Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

@CharDee

Hope you are holding up ok, sounds like a really challenging time for you, fingers crossed there are brighter days ahead for you

In the interest of balance, clearly Jack was incredibly insensitive and I am glad this was made clear to him however his reaction doesn’t seem so far removed from that of your DH who chose to continue watching TV rather than coming to check on you at a time you really needed it. I think the insensitivity of your DH previously perhaps contributed to his reaction here.

I think the take home message is that people can be both cruel and insensitive at times, be it Jack or your DH. Clearly both Jack and your DH misjudged their respective situations terribly however they are both equally culpable and one should not be lauded over the other. The only difference being that only one of these men has promised you life long love, care and compassion (spoiler - this man wasn’t Jack)

First thought: Jack’s a cunt.
26 pages later: Jack and Anna are not worthy of being called cunts, pond scum is more fitting.

Though I’d have left them unblocked just to see the essay explaining how wrong you are, for comedy factor alone.

"however his reaction doesn’t seem so far removed from that of your DH who chose to continue watching TV rather than coming to check on you at a time you really needed it. I think the insensitivity of your DH previously perhaps contributed to his reaction here."

What in holy fuck are you on about??
OP's DH wasn't watching TV - I'd ask if you were on the right thread, except that you're namechecking Jack - so you're obviously one of those posters who has just made stuff up to suit your own narrative.

OP left straight away and drove home which took FIVE MINUTES. then she texted her DH, who IMMEDIATELY got up and left with their son (and everyone else). DURING that 5 minutes, he'd assumed she'd gone to the loo and asked someone to go and check on her - hardly the "insensitive" actions you're wittering about.

HOnestly, I do wonder about some posters!

@HirooOnoda wtf are you on about??? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Chardee was thought to be in the loo. Should he have tried to barge into the ladies immediately? Not like, ask someone else to check and wait all of five minutes which was the perfect sensitive response.

HirooOnoda Is talking about DH’s behaviour during the miscarriage, not the meal on Fathers Day.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad, I think they were referring to the OP’s other big thread previously where her husband was behaving in a manner that paints him in a less pleasant light.

Wow my jaw dropped reading that. Christ OP I'm sorry you had to listen to that awful, awful man. Horrendous things to say to you

Ah well I don't do AS's on previous threads in general.
OK.
Not the best form to drag it over but ok.

Okay, I have now read the other one. The OPs DH didn't behave very well at all. But there are mitigating factors 1) he was grieving when he fucked up and 2) he apologised.

He also didn't compound previous behaviour and behave like a dick this time. He acted well.

I don’t think the previous thread is that relevant. A sensitive time, he fucked up, he admitted that, he apologised. A pretty standard decent marriage really. Not at all comparable to this ex friend and his wife, who have doubled down and seem to be frantically digging their way through to the Southern Hemisphere.

Your DH might not be perfect, not many people are, but he at least seems to be learning from his mistakes.

I think it's a pretty poor show of PP to search for old threads and bring them up.

Clearly that was an awful time, the OP said several times this was totally out of character, and within one update her DH had made amends.

Having been through MC, I've also acted out and been a total twat to my DH. Move on, it's not relevant to this.

What is relevant is both Jack and Anna have proved themselves more than once to be utter knobs and her DH has acted in the way I think most of us would hope ours would given this situation. End of

It's very bad form to AS and bring the contents of other threads to a current thread. Badly done.

Yeah DH was an absolute dick for about 20 minutes during my last miscarriage but the 5 before that he was amazing. He realised he'd said the wrong and most stupid thing but then apologised and had tried his hardest to make it up to me.

I was more hurt by what DH said than jack but I know that DH was truly sorry and that he was trying to deal with a loss and didn't know how to.

Jack went out of his way to try and make our shit situation something to be laughed at. When pulled up on it he didn't even try to apologise or back track. He then made more comments that were meant to make fun of the fact that dh and I have come to the very difficult decision to not have any more children. He then decided to try and tell me that it was my fault for not finding it funny and asked me to speak to the other adults who had backed me up.

Jack and Anna's actions after what was said has been more hurtful. They haven't taken my feelings seriously or tried to make a sincere apology.

@CharDee

I understand that your Dh struggled with the loss of your baby - I know mine did and he admits now, many years later, that he felt selfish for grieving when I was the one who'dgobe through the physical trauma. And because of that, he sometimes did or said the wrong g the g, but, like your Dh, he always realised and tried so hard to make it up to me. You and your Dh have shown yourselves to have a high emotional intelligence. Unlike Jack and Anna who have merely shown themselves to be unfeeling, uncaring and generally unpleasant.
Well done for the dignified way you've dealt with this.

@CharDee did jack acknowledge DH's fire text? 🔥

@CharDee I think you and DH have handled this brilliant, and what wonderful friends you have!

Also, ignore other PP bring up history. Sadly we have had multiple losses too, and sometimes my lovely DH was insensitive. It's hard for them too and not worth dwelling on when the relationship is mostly very strong.

Have some unmumsnetty hugs and a Friday gin

I've just read OP's previous thread (sorry OP) and I truly cannot see or understand the relevance of it being bought up. If anything it shows her DH in a good light and shows a good relationship with two people trying their best to get through an extremely difficult time. It wasn't fair to rake that up. It really wasn't!!

The worst part for me though was learning just what the OP has been through and also just how recently. It makes Jack and Anna even worse than I could possibly imagine! Anyway OP, you've got rid of two non-friends, whilst strengthening other friendships and having struck up lots of support here.

I hope you're all okay OP