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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at step children on father’s day

358 replies

Herewegoagain123 · 16/06/2019 08:54

My darling step children really are something else. My husband is a great dad, does so much for them (as he should).

It’s their weekend with their mother but nevertheless they don’t live far away and we did see them the end of last week.

Eldest one is working and I gave him a little reminder - nothing, not even a text for his dad.

Youngest asked me to get her a gift and card (Following my reminder), I gave them to her and they are still sitting unwritten in her bedroom!

They are both prolific users of social media and not a single text or call.

I’m sad for DH. They’re old enough to know better.

OP posts:
Amanduh · 16/06/2019 21:10

Well Op, back in the real world, I don’t know anyone who would ‘forget’ fathers day, and yes they are being horrible.

Hithere12 · 16/06/2019 21:18

It's not an excuse for bad behaviour

Bad behaviour 😫 oh my god. If I don’t see someone on my birthday for example I get the present AFTER my birthday not before. It makes no sense to give it to him when she’s not there. She’d want to be there when he opens it!!

OP this girl could be an absolute saint and you’d find reasons to seethe over the poor girl. Remember she is the child here, you are the adult. Grow up. Even if you are “nice” to her she’ll be feeling your resentment in every interaction you have and that’s probably why she doesn't like you.

Hithere12 · 16/06/2019 21:19

Well Op, back in the real world, I don’t know anyone who would ‘forget’ fathers day, and yes they are being horrible

Are you another wicked step mother? I’m sure she text her Dad and wants to be there when he gets his gift!

Original poster
Herewegoagain123 · 16/06/2019 21:25

The bad behaviour is not just isolated on one example today!

Another wicked step mum? Is that what we all are, all those who don’t think their step children are saints who can do no wrong!

OP posts:
CorBlimeyGovenor · 16/06/2019 21:28

*I’m not a parent, I can’t confess to knowing the answers. He tries but short of having battles every time they visit sometimes you choose the easy route.

But you are a 'parent' or should at least start seeing yourself as one if you want to make a success of your relationship. Yes they are selfish by the sounds of it. They are teenagers and inherently selfish. But your expectations that they should have texted before 9am are ott. It's as though you wanted them to fail.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 16/06/2019 21:35

I think that, had you gone about this thread differently, you would have received a much different response. For example, had you waited until late aft/early evening and then not become riled so easily, then there probably would be a lot more posters supporting the notion that they or teenagers can be inherently selfish. You've just not come across particularly well on this thread. In some respects you've painted yourself in a bad light if that makes sense.

Hithere12 · 16/06/2019 21:37

The bad behaviour is not just isolated on one example today!

🙄 AGAIN she’s a hormonal teenager. I get not “all” teenagers are stroppy nightmares but a fare few are. I was one. Luckily I had two biological parents who loved me unconditionally, I didn’t have a resentful step parent on the side.

Quartz2208 · 16/06/2019 21:38

What is the other bad behaviour as I dont think you have said

janetforpresident · 16/06/2019 21:50

Unfortunately teenagers are selfish. The vast majority of us will have examples of behaviour we look back on with shame from our teenage years. I am sure my parents were hurt by me many times over the years.

Be reassured that they will most likely grow out of it. Personally I would have a quiet word with them and tell them DH was a bit hurt but don't make a big thing of it.

PCohle · 16/06/2019 21:51

it's harrowing to watch someone you love be neglected by those who should (and apparently do) know better, even if they are young

A teenager forgetting Father's Day is not neglect and it's not harrowing to watch. I think you may be overreacting just slightly Grin.

OP has said her DH isn't even bothered.

Hithere12 · 16/06/2019 21:54

it's harrowing to watch someone you love be neglected by those who should (and apparently do) know better, even if they are young

Oh my god 😂 that is PATHETIC. Waaaa I’m getting a card late 🤧 who are the kids in this situation again?

Original poster
Herewegoagain123 · 16/06/2019 22:11

I wouldn’t say today has been harrowing, but I do understand what the PP was saying. The circumstances of today are pretty minor but in the past it’s hard watching someone you love (DH) being taken for granted and not appreciated.

@Hithere12 is being deliberately awkward making it out as just a missing card. We all know a step family situation can be a difficult place when it’s not working too well.

OP posts:
DitheringBlidiot · 16/06/2019 22:11

t's harrowing to watch someone you love be neglected by those who should (and apparently do) know better, even if they are young

This is probably one of the best things I’ve ever read 😂😂😂

CorBlimeyGovenor · 16/06/2019 22:15

Also, and sorry to bring this up if it's upsetting, but you mentioned on another post that you had a failed IVF round and were unable to have children. Do you think that this has, in any way, affected the way that you view your OH's children? You don't need to answer if you don't wish to, but am just raising it as a possibility. I'm my view, it would be understandable if you felt slightly jaded by living with children by another woman when you had wanted your own.

Hithere12 · 16/06/2019 22:17

is being deliberately awkward making it out as just a missing card. We all know a step family situation can be a difficult place when it’s not working too well

You’ve been asked numerous times what those behaviours are and haven’t provided them?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 16/06/2019 22:21

I agree it's shit but..

You can't change them
You can't force them to acknowledge it(as you found out today).
You can't hold on to anger and resentment on behalf of your DH, well you can but it's not good or healthy for you. If he's upset,he needs to take it up with them.

There are several issues that might be at play here either it was never a big thing(previous behaviour can establish that) so they don't see the importance of it, your DH isn't as great a dad as you think he is, they are entitled selfish brats, for which he shoulders half half the blame, or it's a mix.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 16/06/2019 22:30

Maybe harrowing was a bit strong! However I have spent the past 30 years watching one member of my family or other be confused, then hurt, then resigned to being ignored on days when they were meant to receive at least a minimim level of acknowledgement (a single text from DSis would have delighted my mum on many occasions). I may be a bit trigger-happy on this one....

I do still think they've been somewhat shit OP, and I'd be inwardly cross with them.

Ghanagirl · 16/06/2019 22:33

it's harrowing to watch someone you love be neglected by those who should (and apparently do) know better, even if they are young
It’s not harrowing to watch a grown man in grumpy because his 15 year old daughter hasn’t given him a fathers fay card!
It’s harrowing being a teenage girl spending time with her dads new wife who doesn’t seem to like her.
I’m not a stepmother nor do I have stepkids
I’m just trying to be a grownup

Lozz22 · 16/06/2019 22:45

At least your DH has his children here with him. My poor DP first Father's Day for him today was spent remembering our Baby who died on Christmas Day last year. I was unable to be with him today due to him working but I have a card and a present for him still. Although It wouldn't matter to him if he got the present today or if he gets it in 2-3 weeks time. Quite frankly he'd much rather have his Baby back!! I never wished my Dad a happy Father's Day till around 4.45pm. Which must mean I'm a shit daughter! My Dad's been dead 5 years btw so I don't think he really gives a damn if I sent it at 8am this morning or 11:30pm this evening!!

DoctorDread · 16/06/2019 22:50

The circumstances of today are pretty minor but in the past it’s hard watching someone you love (DH) being taken for granted and not appreciated.

Yeah. Sadly that's mostly what parenting is like until, if you've worked hard in the interim, your kids come out the other side and turn into reasonable human beings OP

I'm a single parent. I feel taken for granted and unappreciated every day. But raising kids is a learning process, and the adults around them have to reinforce the message over and over and over.

It sucks. But that's the reality of raising kids.

Ghanagirl · 16/06/2019 22:50

@Herewegoagain123
I’ve just read @CorBlimeyGovenor post.
I’m really sorry that you’re struggling but I still wouldn’t worry that a 15 year old girl has forgotten about Father’s Day.

tomboytown · 16/06/2019 23:00

8pm I finally saw my Dad.
Completely ott to worry about this at 9am

Ragwort · 16/06/2019 23:13

I think it is pretty normal teenage behaviour to take parents for granted & not show any appreciation’ Hmm. Were you a perfect teenager yourself OP, my favourite thought used to be ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ which I would imagine is what a lot of teenagers tend to think.

Lizzie48 · 16/06/2019 23:21

I think it is pretty normal teenage behaviour to take parents for granted & not show any appreciation’

^This. I think this is much more about normal teenage self-absorbed behaviour than anything else. You're making far too much of this; your DH isn't bothered so you shouldn't be either.

I do have to say that you didn't do yourself any favours by starting your rant against your SCs so early in the day, that was never going to end well on AIBU, you must have known that. It felt like you were spoiling for a fight on here.

Mrskeats · 16/06/2019 23:29

My dh got nothing from his kids; not even a message. My kids got him a little card that they both put a lovely message in as they get on well and he does loads for them.
He also has had nothing for the last 4 Christmases or birthday.
He gets them lots of stuff and supports them. Lots of people on here think step mothers are always to blame. Maybe the mothers should be teaching their kids not to be so bloody selfish and have some manners.

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