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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at step children on father’s day

358 replies

Herewegoagain123 · 16/06/2019 08:54

My darling step children really are something else. My husband is a great dad, does so much for them (as he should).

It’s their weekend with their mother but nevertheless they don’t live far away and we did see them the end of last week.

Eldest one is working and I gave him a little reminder - nothing, not even a text for his dad.

Youngest asked me to get her a gift and card (Following my reminder), I gave them to her and they are still sitting unwritten in her bedroom!

They are both prolific users of social media and not a single text or call.

I’m sad for DH. They’re old enough to know better.

OP posts:
Hotterthanahotthing · 16/06/2019 16:49

We do mother's Day and father's day when my DD was little.My Ex drove 150miles to his mum on mother's Day,often going on a Friday when I was at work and taking my DD with him!
Father's Day was a card from dd.
Our family don't do either day,father's day because it is just a card industry thing and mothersday because my mum said she was special everyday.
You can't make adults celebrate if they didn't want to and I have long ago stoppedfilling the gaps.My DD has gone to her dad's today,I don't think either of them know itsfathers day.

Ragwort · 16/06/2019 16:58

You asked me if I had any experience of step parenting, I am a step child myself if that counts Hmm? I am glad my step parent treated me kindly, respectfully and didn’t get hung up over non issue which are nothing to do with being a step child, more likely being a lazy, self absorbed teenager (which I was myself and now have one of my own Grin).

So often on step parent threads the issue has got nothing to do with whether a child is step child or not.

exWifebeginsat40 · 16/06/2019 17:00

i somehow ended up paying for ingredients yesterday so DD could bake brownies for her dad for today.

i’ve been divorced from him for 15 years, but because i’m not a spiteful witch, i just got on with it.

it’s a funny old world, innit.

anyway. OP, you’re not using your words very nicely. go and have a long think about it. it’s just the internet.

Bayleaf25 · 16/06/2019 17:05

Our teen (end of GCSES) has been with friends all weekend and asked DH if he could postpone Father’s Day until Monday as he didn’t have time to get a gift etc). We all had a bit of a joke about it but of course DH doesn’t mind. Father’s Day is basically a commercialised day and we all love each other regardless.

It really doesn’t matter and at 8.54 I’m afraid you are definitely BU. Family love isn’t defined by one day (I’d say the same on mother’s day too!)

Original poster
Herewegoagain123 · 16/06/2019 17:10

I agree it’s nothing to do with whether they are a step child or not. They can have manners or not, they’re grateful for what they have and receive or are not. They are thoughtful and aware of others feelings
Or are not.

There’s rarely a situation where you can make a person something they’re not.

OP posts:
PCohle · 16/06/2019 17:14

"My child is ungrateful and has no manners, but oh well you can't change people" isn't really an acceptable approach to parenting though.

If they are as bad as you claim why hasn't your DH, y'know, parented them? They weren't raised in a vacuum.

Original poster
Herewegoagain123 · 16/06/2019 17:19

There’s plenty of good parents with horrible teenage kids. I know there are some very nice teenagers, but plenty of horrible ones. I’m not a parent, I can’t confess to knowing the answers. He tries but short of having battles every time they visit sometimes you choose the easy route.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 16/06/2019 17:20

We have 2 great kids who we love and they love us, but Fathers Day has never meant jot in this house.

Birthdays and Christmas yes, but valentines and other meaningless crap to encourage us to buy shit... no.

Honestly there's more important stuff to get into a flap about.

MzHz · 16/06/2019 17:25

It doesn’t matter what others do for Father’s Day or not, the only thing that matters is if it’s important to the father in the scenario

As step parents are told time and time again not to overstep their boundaries (usually while doing most of the parenting grunt work) it’s down to the parents of the kids are ungrateful and rude.

MzHz · 16/06/2019 17:25

If not of.

1CantPickAName · 16/06/2019 17:41

I’ve not rtft but, my dh and I have been separated for nearly 3 years after 16 years of marriage. I’ve always made sure that he has had cards and gifts from my step kids but now they are in theirs 20’s I don’t buy on their behalf but I do prompt them (either because they were too young or not working), I haven’t this year because all 3 are working and are adults so I didn’t think I needed to. And guess what has happened? Not even a text? He is really upset, yes I know that it’s all a massive marketing gimmick but it’s the one day of the year, apart from his birthday, when he gets recognised for excisting.
He did get some lovely gifts from our 2 dds (including what he asked for, a dressing gown in June ffs!)

Hithere12 · 16/06/2019 17:45

There’s plenty of good parents with horrible teenage kids. I know there are some very nice teenagers, but plenty of horrible ones

You’re calling children horrible Hmm how nice OP.

What are they meant to be greatful for? Basic parenting from their Dad? He chose to have them he doesn’t deserve a medal for being a parent!

fishonabicycle · 16/06/2019 17:52

Teenagers are forgetful, engrossed in their own lives, and money pits. Even the nice ones. I did always remind my step kids to get father's day/birthday cards and they always have. My own son (18, just did his last A level Friday), forgot and had to go into town to get a card and chocolate today. It doesn't mean he doesn't love and value his dad. All the cards etc were handed over in a cafe over lunch.

bringincrazyback · 16/06/2019 17:57

There isn’t such a thing as “site opinion”.

There certainly seems to be such a thing as general opinion towards SMs tending to be slanted a particular way across MN, we've all witnessed it plenty of times.

Has it occurred to anyone that if OP doesn't like her SD, maybe it's because her SD is displaying unlikeable behaviour atm? People frequently complain if their own kids aren't behaving very likeably at a given time, I don't see why SMs should be vilified for expression similar opinions about their s'kids.

OP I personally agree your s'kids should have made more effort.

popsuey · 16/06/2019 18:06

fishonabicycle Sun 16-Jun-19 17:52:42
Teenagers are forgetful, engrossed in their own lives, and money pits. Even the nice ones.

This ^^ is so true . My SD got a present for her dad, but then had left it at her mums. She mentioned she was feeling bad for forgetting and did I have anything, so I gave her something small and a card to give him. She then forgot again during the day as she was doing other things. It's not because she doesn't love or care about her dad. Teens and pre-teens can just be a bit self-absorbed and easily distracted. My own older DD is the same - she forgot my birthday this year and so gave me a plant supplied by my DP (her stepdad) and a hastily scribbled card. It's all good though and none of these things really matter I don't think.

LuaDipa · 16/06/2019 18:23

Op no-one is bashing step parents, but your post screams resentment and anger towards your dsc. To be brutally honest, if my df had ever decided to bring someone who so obviously disliked and resented me into my life, I doubt I’d have been particularly keen to buy him presents or tell him what a great dad he was either. Even less so if I had been instructed to by said person.

They are not your kids, your relationship to dp is separate to the one he has with dc. Leave them to relate to each other in their own way. And while I am sure you don’t tell dsc that you dislike them, I think it is surely obvious to them. I think you need to try and work on your own attitude before you complain about theirs.

swingofthings · 16/06/2019 19:07

There’s rarely a situation where you can make a person something they’re not
A number of posters, now mum have posted how they forgot father's Day themselves when teenagers yet learnt to appreciate their father when becoming an adult. I genuinely cannot remember wishing my dad a happy father's Day and I would guess I most likely did. Yet my dad would say I am and have been a great daughter.

It's ok to be annoyed but don't judge them as a person. In all likelihood they'll turn out lovely and caring adults.

DishingOutDone · 16/06/2019 19:33

7.30pm and gifts etc still not come downstairs, DD2 is unwell and DD1 been at work. No dinner ready either (tardiness runs in the family).

PCohle · 16/06/2019 19:38

I really don't think writing off your step children as horrible is particularly kind or constructive. You seem wildly resentful and irritated by them.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 16/06/2019 19:46

You seem wildly resentful and irritated by them

I'm not a stepchild or step parent, but I have to say that it's harrowing to watch someone you love be neglected by those who should (and apparently do) know better, even if they are young. It makes you upset for the neglectee and cross at the neglecter(s) - like watching your mum's hurt when your sister completely ignores Mother's Day again, for instance.

I don't think OP is out of order to feel the way she does; behaviour in RL is another matter of course.

cuppycakey · 16/06/2019 20:00

You'd be well within your rights to feed them poisoned apples and send them with a woodcutter into the forest.

This did make me laugh Grin

I am a SM. I still think that you sound unhinged and like very hard work.

melj1213 · 16/06/2019 20:29

Christ, I have barely even thought about Father's Day today and I'm 30!

Both of my grandfathers have passed away, my dad is away and DD has been with her dad this week (50/50 custody and this week was her week at her dad's) so I have done nothing special today, it has just been a normal Sunday. For my dad I have a card and gift that I will take round when he gets home next week and I made sure DD had a card/gift sorted last weekend (she bought them out of her allowance but she has been doing extra chores around my house to earn a bit of extra money to buy him a CD she knew he wanted) which has meant I've had a relaxed Sunday.

I could have text my dad or made a social media post to acknowledge the day but he wont see it, and I'd rather just have a nice day when I do see him than a FB post today just because its Father's Day today.

HettySunshine · 16/06/2019 20:30

You can't argue with crazy.

Ghanagirl · 16/06/2019 20:50

@Herewegoagain123
Okay maybe MN has given you a hard time but I can’t help feeling sorry for a 15 year old who is scuttling between 2 homes.
I’m interested to know if you’re much younger than her parents...

Original poster
Herewegoagain123 · 16/06/2019 20:59

No I'm not younger than her parents.

She's not scuttling between two homes, she has a very comfortable home in both places, which are really not very far from each other. Her mother's house is what she calls home, but she knows she is welcome at ours. This has been the case for many years, they know no different, as do many of their friends with blended families. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour.

OP posts: