To be mad at step children on father’s day

[Herewegoagain123]

My darling step children really are something else. My husband is a great dad, does so much for them (as he should).

It’s their weekend with their mother but nevertheless they don’t live far away and we did see them the end of last week.

Eldest one is working and I gave him a little reminder - nothing, not even a text for his dad.

Youngest asked me to get her a gift and card (Following my reminder), I gave them to her and they are still sitting unwritten in her bedroom!

They are both prolific users of social media and not a single text or call.

I’m sad for DH. They’re old enough to know better.

Did you really need 2 threads about this?

She made two threads? OP you need some kind of hobby to stop you sitting around frothing at the mouth over these two kids.

Hithere12

Yes, the first one was just about her stepdaughter though

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3608939-Father-s-Day-gift-for-DSD

Op, the reality is that for any number of reasons they may not think of him as a ‘great dad’. You are basing that from a very biased point of view obviously. The breaking up of families is never an easy process and DCs are mostly traumatised in some way. Maybe, rightly or wrongly, they feel he abandoned them when he and their dm separated and they feel he didn’t always act in their best interest so they feel they owe him little in return? There’s always fallout in these situations and as you don’t seem close to them, or even like them, you clearly have no idea of their thoughts or feelings in respect of their DF. Your post is goady as you clearly want a fight so you can whine about how SMs are so mis understood. A lot of SMs on this thread are clearly doing a great job, read and you may learn something.

There's more to this, it's ridiculous otherwise

A step father is about 12x more likely to murder a step child than a biological one. It’s not a coincidence. We’re not wired to love other people’s kids. But if you CHOOSE to take on someone with a family then you need to make sure you are at least not resentful to these kids who’ve done nothing but exist.

@Herewegoagain123

@ghanagirl and that opinion is based on your vast knowledge of me is it?*
No it’s based on the fact you seem determined to make your SD out to be horrible.

@homemademadness

He still hasn't sent his own dad a text and if I don't nag him to he probably won't.

This is my DH. After reading the thread this morning, I called my DF. I reminded DH to call his DF... he said oh yes...later...give him a chance to get back from church.

It's nearly 2pm and he's still not called his dad.

I have sent his dad a text. Next thing, I'll be getting a call from StepMIL about DH not having called.

Some ppl aren't cut out to be step parents. The hatred or intense dislike for your SC is evident.

These comments that I’m clearly the worst step mother to ever walk the earth are based on very little

Do you actually think of yourself as a stepmother? There’s no obligation to (especially to older kids), they already have a mum so why put that pressure on yourself? What’s wrong with simply being your husbands wife and treating them how you’d treat any other member of his family?

If one of his parents required support (as elderly people often do) you wouldn’t start Worrying about being a daughter rather than a daughter in law. It’s similar boundaries and expectations really isn’t it?

FWIW I don’t think you’re getting roasted on here because you’re a SM, I think it’s because (as a previous poster pointed out) you clearly resent their very existence. If your honest with yourself there isn’t really anything they could do to please you is there?

I read the other thread and you sounded decided on not getting involved then changed your mind - why do it when you know the DC won’t behave the way you deem acceptable? You’re setting them up for failure and creating your own misery and resentment.

Given your dislike for them comes across very clearly, maybe they aren't that bothered for many reasons.

My step parent clearly resented the existing children, as an adult I can see the parents needs and wants were always first over the children's ones. I wouldn't have been making an effort at 9am either.

@Herewegoagain123

I feel bad for him. He’s not all that bothered it seems. It’s all over social media how people love their dads and his children couldn’t even be bothered to send a text! I wish we could just forget their birthdays!
Maybe step away from social media and focus on DH also maybe when you’ve calmed down you reflect on your attitude towards a 15 year old girl who your DH loves.

Maybe OP tried to like her step-kids, and is just ground down with getting nothing but hostility back?

Op, the reality is that for any number of reasons they may not think of him as a ‘great dad’.

Good point.

I've noticed a lot of stepmums and DPs say this. The DC and his Ex are better placed to say if he's a great dad.

He might be an okay dad from their perspective, who could have done a lot more.

I think some women have a low expectation of men, so him doing meeting his responsibilities suddenly becomes great.

That possible @SpongeBobJudgeyPants but if that's the case then why bother micromanaging the SC's Father's Day contribution and then getting the hump when things (predictably) didn't go to plan, instead of disengaging, saying to her DH 'I love you, but you're aware of the tension between me a your DD. I've tried but this year I think it's wise that I take a step back and let them manage their relationship with you now that they're older. If you're not seeing your DD, how about we go out for a nice lunch somewhere?"

Life is full of shades of grey and it's rare that one person is 'good' and the other 'bad'. People are a mixture, including teens who are not renowned for being generally thoughtful or altruistic.

As the adult here, hard though it might feel, the OP should really handle the reality of the situation rather than forcing her own expectations on to her SC, when it's clear there is animosity on both sides.

Otherwise it's just a stupid power struggle that no one benefits from.

And we also don't know WHY the animosity is there. There could be a very valid reason from either side.

Not a single original comment in many of these anti step mum posts, just the same old bitter ex wives spilling out the usual MN sentences applicable to step mums. Yawn
To be fair, one could say that criticising kids for not contacting their dad by 9am on fathers day is typical attitude from a bitter stepmum wishing her step kids didn't exist.

Maybe you've jumped the gun and they will show their care for their dad later todsy or next weekend. Maybe they are spoilt brats but if that's the case, your OH might have contributed to them being so. Or maybe they are not so grateful to have him as a dad because he isn't the wonderful dad you think he is.

Maybe they are selfish teenagers who will make it up later in life, maybe when he is old and needs their support. Maybe they'll break all contact when they are older.

I wish we could just forget their birthdays!

You seriously want to play tit for tat with teenagers? Good luck with that.

Yeah so you really don’t like your step-children and it’s another stick to beat them with?

Stepparents can't win on this site. If they don't get involved in what their stepkids do, they're chastised for it because 'you took on his children as well'. If they do get involved and dare to actually have opinions on things their s/kids do, as OP has done, they're criticised for that as well.

Good grief. You really hate her don't you.

You're not her mum or her dad so just butt out. You said he wasn't fussed about FD, so neither should you.

She's there EOW. Let her Dad be the parent.
Find a hobby or something other than bullying and micromanaging his DC.

Stepparents can't win on this site. If they don't get involved in what their stepkids do, they're chastised for it because 'you took on his children as well'. If they do get involved and dare to actually have opinions on things their s/kids do, as OP has done, they're criticised for that as well

There isn’t such a thing as “site opinion”.

@bringincrazyback op can have an opinion. It was the nasty spiteful comments that people were and have been taking issue with.

She's made no bones about not liking her SD and wishes she could forget her birthday as some kind of payback. That's not an opinion. That's just someone being spiteful.

Hi, my 2 x older SC don’t do cards or texts. It doesn’t bother DH. He knows they love him. Please don’t stress about it.

Op, you can be as distasteful you like about your sdc, and with good reason.

Their bad manners however is down to their parents. If I were you I’d stop reminding them to do anything
I’d also stop cleaning up after them to. Let their dad do it so he too can see how ungrateful they are.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

Mothers apparently can do no wrong, step mothers can do no right.

My sd mother is bloody awful. Poor kid. But I’ll get fuck all thanks for trying to help, and actually my own family gets put at risk, so consider my hands washed.

You can’t make people be nice and thoughtful if they aren’t nice and thoughtful.

Don’t let any of this shit get to you.

Distasteful?

I meant disappointed!

Doctor. I agree, step back is probably best. That's what I've done pretty much. I haven't suggested SDs send a card though I think it's pretty ungrateful they don't. It seems they expect a lot without observing social niceties in return.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants it sounds tough for you. Parenting is hard. Step parenting is hard. Kids are hard. Makes you wonder how we all make it to adulthood!!!

Thanks SpongeBob you seem to have hit the nail on the head. I posted on AIBU and not the step parent forum as I am interested in opinion of the many. I’m not a bad step mum despite what others may think on here, I’ve spent years and years running around after them and getting ground down, this isn’t a new thing. I guess I’ve built up FD this year as we’ve been having a bit of a bad run recently. Thanks all.