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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To return the dog

183 replies

AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 08:27

DH and I live alone, married for 10 years and have recently been told we can't have children. IVF not an option for us, and for us neither is adoption.

Neither of us have any family, we just have each other. I have a couple of friends I see once in a while, DH is quite a hermit introvert so really only sees me. He doesn't (need to) work as he has income from investment so he's home 24/7. I have been lonely for a while (I do volunteer and have hobbies which helps).

But I always assumed we'd have our own family unit and that would fill the gap.

Someone suggested on here when I posted about the pain of infertility that they found getting a dog helped. So after a few months of research and thinking, we bought home a young dog a month ago.

Not one day has been good. It's made my husband stressed, withdrawn, and distant. The dog is a massive handful, we were misled a little about her energy level and issues. Not just one issue but about a dozen. None are easy, quick fixes and a behaviourist has said it'll take at least 6-12 months for improvement. We are not experienced owners and made this clear to the rescue we got her from, so I'm amazed they said she was suitable for us.

The dog bonded with me more than him, I do the majority of the training, feeding etc. I think he's genuinely stressed at the upheaval and change to our quiet lives, but part of me thinks he might be a bit put out because the dog gets a lot of (all) my attention and everything, the whole day, is geared around her needs being met. He's resenting the time and attention she takes, but it's not like he anything else before we got her!

He's barely said a word to me for three days, he's not in a sulk as he's not like that, but he seems so low and depressed. I hate this atmosphere and I feel overwhelmed with his mood, and with the amount of energy and attention the dog needs.

It's not fair on the dog to live in a house with this atmosphere. AIBU to take the dog back to the rescue to find a happier home?

And then I'm considering leaving DH. :( If he's like this with a wee dog, then thank god we're infertile. I can't go back to our lives how they were but I can't continue how they are.

OP posts:
Yougotdis · 16/06/2019 08:29

If you asked your dh to leave could you manage the dog alone?

sleepwhenidie · 16/06/2019 08:31

You said in your last paragraph what I was thinking about what he would be like with a baby if that’s his reaction to a dog ‘stealing’ your affection Sad. Before your return her, what are your thoughts on living just with the dog?

theWarOnPeace · 16/06/2019 08:31

Would you see your friends more and enjoy your life more without your husband? I couldn’t live like this - but it’s unclear really if you are happy with the setup of being together all the time and not having much going on, or if it’s just his recent behaviour that’s getting you down.

Original poster
AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 08:32

@Yougotdis I'd love to say yes but if I'm honest, no. I couldn't handle her alone :(

OP posts:
Pearlfish · 16/06/2019 08:33

If the dog is a 'tricky' dog and you're finding her too much to cope with, I think YANBU to return her to the rescue and explain why.

Obviously, the husband is a whole separate issue. He does sound like a miserable person to live with. So he has no friends, family or colleagues and literally only sees you? That is not a healthy situation at all!

BethMaddison · 16/06/2019 08:33

I would take the dog back and explain your reasons to the shelter you get her from

Then I would go for couples and individual counselling. It sounds like you’ve both had a terribly stressful time and if it was me I’d be trying to repair the relationship because sometimes these things creep up on you -you think it’s ok and you’ve coped but actually it can all fall apart so easily. Maybe the dog has just brought it all to the surface.

Doesn’t help you were misled about the dogs needs as well so they should take a lot of the blame for things not going smoothly.

I wouldn’t ask dh to leave or separate sometimes you need to draw closer together rather than take the quick easy knee jerk reaction in frustration and/or anger
Wish you the best of luck

thewinkingprawn · 16/06/2019 08:34

I know it’s awful and many will say you need to persevere with the dog, not fair to give it back etc etc but honestly, a dog where you need to hear all day every day to its needs being met sounds horrendous. I’m not surprised your husband is feeling down about it especially with no short term light at the end of the tunnel nor guarantee after 6 months it would be fine (my in laws were told this about their German shepherd and her behaviour has never markedly changed). I’m on the fence really here (helpful!) but I wouldn’t judge if you took it back. I understand where your husband is coming from.

Cornishmum00 · 16/06/2019 08:35

Do you work/have some sort of income? Could you afford to live alone with your dog? You sound fed up of dh more than the dog

icecreamsundae32 · 16/06/2019 08:35

This sounds so sad for you to feel like this. It def sounds like he's depressed. Can he see a dr? Would he agree to any therapy or trying medication? Does he have any hobbies he likes doing to get him out of the house? Golf? Cycling? You said he doesn't need to work, but would he be happier if he was working and just getting out of the house with other people? It does sound very isolating and lonely having no family or friends either. Is the infertility a recent thing you've found out? Could that be depressing him? It sounds like you are being dragged down by his low mood too which is inevitable really but very hard x

Fallofrain · 16/06/2019 08:36

How long have you had the dog? Is it a rescue from abroad?

Whilst i believe that we should afford every opportunity to try and make a rescue work out, sometimes the kindest thing to do is to return them

If you genuinely believe that you have explored every avenue, had a decent time for things to work and you still arent compatible and that her needs would be better met by another family then please discuss it with the rescue

I work with a rescue, and sometimes people return dogs and we feel its unfair (we once had a 12 week old pup returned because it wasnt toilet trained!) However sometimes people realise they cant meet the needs of a dog (eg people think they can manage a collie then realise that they definately cant meet the energy requirements).

Please get in contact with the rescue who might offer follow up support to help you manage the dog or support you to bring it back in. Check what would happen if she is bought back in

I will say though that your post is a lot to do with your dh and i wonder if the problems woth him are far bigger than problems with the dog?

Honeyroar · 16/06/2019 08:36

Seriously? Leave and take the dog with you. There’s nothing like a dog in a break up!

You’d think he’d be able to help more with the dog if he doesn’t work. He sounds a bit hopeless. Is he ill or something?

Re the dog, do you really hate her? Could you not put in the time until she’s a happy, secure dog? She sounds like she’s bonded with you. Being rejected again would set her back even further, poor thing. What issues does she have that means you have to gear all your time around her? I’ve had dogs with all sorts of issues and haven’t had to do that.

Original poster
AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 08:38

Would you see your friends more and enjoy your life more without your husband?

Honestly I don't know. Thing is, DH and I are such good friends, but I feel that's all we've been for ages. I wouldn't want him not in my life. He's funny, kind, supportive, but also has no motivation, is quite 'middle aged' and it does get to me that he doesn't see any friends or have any hobbies anymore. I'm not sure if the problem is my mindset, or him, or maybe we've naturally come to the end.

I look at my life now and think 'what the fuck? How did this happen?'

OP posts:
Original poster
AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 08:40

Is he ill or something?

He's had a huge host of tests, including scans, as he is so low on energy and has daily headaches.

The doctor said there's nothing physically wrong and has said it could be ME/CFS but DH said the list of symptoms don't fit.

I feel hopeless.

OP posts:
BethMaddison · 16/06/2019 08:40

I think your dh sounds like he is depressed. You’ve both clearly been through a lot and I really think to leave him and have to look after a high needs dog won’t be good for your mental health (or physical if it’s a high energy breed?).
It’s so easy to just type out a post for someone to leave their partner but you may just have both lost who you really are. You’re in a good position, if you want to, to really throw everything at trying to repair your relationship especially as you dont have work/money constraints (from what you’ve said I apologise if I’ve made the wrong assumption)
Even if you felt the same after at least you hadn’t given up. The dog issue is complicated as the shelter weren’t honest and you probably had expectations that are totally different to the reality

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/06/2019 08:47

I couldn’t live like this. Your dh is totally dependent on you to make all of his needs met. As people age, they tend to see their world shrink and this can lead to becoming more narrow minded. By the sound of it you aren’t middle aged yet. Can you imagine what if will be like when you’re both 60??

Take a step back. You may find you’d cope better with the dog if you were alone if you didn’t have the suffocating / oppressive home environment.

I’m not saying keep the dog and ditch the husband. I am wondering if you can think straight considering you’ve been dropped a bombshell. I’m assuming the fertility issue is in part or all due to you not being able to carry a child. So you’re going through a lot right now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/06/2019 08:48

Cross post. I didn’t see about possible ME / CFS. I have that. It’s bloody awful.

BethMaddison · 16/06/2019 08:50

My daughter has ME she can be very difficult to live with so I can understand your frustration if that is the cause

Original poster
AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 08:51

What issues does she have that means you have to gear all your time around her?

Even with all the right amount of exercise and mental stimulation (behaviourist said we've been spot on) she has -

Severe separation anxiety, can't even go to the toilet upstairs without her crying and barking.

Destruction, even when given toys/rawhides/kongs/sniff mats, she'll seek something she can't have to chew up, I can be right next to her. If you say 'no' then she barks and lunges.

Severe lead reactivity, to everything and anything. She weighs 18kg and has pulled me into the road, and escaped two different harnesses.

She's very attention seeking, if you go to make a cup of tea she'll bark and bark and bite at your ankles.

Sensitive tummy - vets has said no treats whatsoever while she's treated for tummy upset. Anything sets it off, she'll have a bad tummy for days.

She will not sleep or settle unless she's in your arms. Literally. And she's friggin huge.

Inside the house, exhausting. Outside the house, exhausting.

OP posts:
Thehop · 16/06/2019 08:54

I’d personally return the dog, and let her find a home that suits her better, leave DH and adopt a baby.

But, being sensible and respectful, maybe some counselling to help talk through your feelings? This is a miserable way to live and YANBU to want to change it!

motherheroic · 16/06/2019 08:55

I think you should return her and print out that exact list of reasons and give it to the shelter. That way they have an updated list of her behaviours and who she will be suitable for. It's so hard to get it right because how a dog acts in the shelter is completely different to how they act in a home.

user1497997754 · 16/06/2019 08:56

Poor dog.....you both should be enjoying getting out and about for nice walks and pub lunches. A dog should enhance your life and they do if you let them. I think he is jealous to be honest and you are to engrained dealing with him to have the capacity to give that dog the love and commitment it needs. Your hubby sounds like a spoilt child.....imagine what he would be like if you had a child you can gauge how people will be as parents in the way they treat thier pets....

BiteyShark · 16/06/2019 08:57

I think you both need to sit down and be honest with each other.

Maybe it's a combination of lots of things and the dog is just another one of them. I do think getting a dog can be very upsetting emotionally (if you look on the Doghouse topics not only do people get the puppy blues but they also get the rescue blues).

I do think that rescuing dogs is not an easy option and have seen people struggle with behavioural issues which only surface later. Only you and your DH can decide whether they are manageable and any decent rescue Center should provide backup to helt you. But before returning the dog you do need to know whether that is the right thing to do as it sounds like it won't actually fix the underlying issues.

Fallofrain · 16/06/2019 08:58

Sorry just to double check how long has she been with you? Is she from a british rescue? What has the rescue been like in supporting you?

user1497997754 · 16/06/2019 09:00

Take her back to rescue centre you are ill equipped to deal with her.you need to sort your marriage out....dogs are very sensitive this is not a happy home to bring her up in. There will be a family out there who will love her and give her a settled home full of love

Original poster
AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 09:00

Just a month, feels like years so no time at all, really.

Yes, British rescue, they've been good actually, it's just that none of their advice is helping.

OP posts: