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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To return the dog

183 replies

AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 08:27

DH and I live alone, married for 10 years and have recently been told we can't have children. IVF not an option for us, and for us neither is adoption.

Neither of us have any family, we just have each other. I have a couple of friends I see once in a while, DH is quite a hermit introvert so really only sees me. He doesn't (need to) work as he has income from investment so he's home 24/7. I have been lonely for a while (I do volunteer and have hobbies which helps).

But I always assumed we'd have our own family unit and that would fill the gap.

Someone suggested on here when I posted about the pain of infertility that they found getting a dog helped. So after a few months of research and thinking, we bought home a young dog a month ago.

Not one day has been good. It's made my husband stressed, withdrawn, and distant. The dog is a massive handful, we were misled a little about her energy level and issues. Not just one issue but about a dozen. None are easy, quick fixes and a behaviourist has said it'll take at least 6-12 months for improvement. We are not experienced owners and made this clear to the rescue we got her from, so I'm amazed they said she was suitable for us.

The dog bonded with me more than him, I do the majority of the training, feeding etc. I think he's genuinely stressed at the upheaval and change to our quiet lives, but part of me thinks he might be a bit put out because the dog gets a lot of (all) my attention and everything, the whole day, is geared around her needs being met. He's resenting the time and attention she takes, but it's not like he anything else before we got her!

He's barely said a word to me for three days, he's not in a sulk as he's not like that, but he seems so low and depressed. I hate this atmosphere and I feel overwhelmed with his mood, and with the amount of energy and attention the dog needs.

It's not fair on the dog to live in a house with this atmosphere. AIBU to take the dog back to the rescue to find a happier home?

And then I'm considering leaving DH. :( If he's like this with a wee dog, then thank god we're infertile. I can't go back to our lives how they were but I can't continue how they are.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 16/06/2019 19:29

@AttheEdges
I think you need to see a veterinary behaviourist or speak to your existing behaviourist about medication - your dog sounds like she has generalised anxiety disorder - it’s a nightmare for you but also a welfare issue for her.

How did you meet your DH? I’m struggling to see how someone with no friends/job/hobbies ended up in a relationship

buckeejit · 16/06/2019 20:13

Take the dog back, just because neither of you have the emotional resilience to cope with a rescue dog right now. Totally understandable.

DuchessDarty · 16/06/2019 21:31

I think they don’t have the emotional resilience to cope with this rescue dog. Although personally as one month isn’t very long when it comes to settling a dog, and you’re up for fostering her, I’d consider holding out a bit longer to reassure yourself you gave it the best chance of working out.

saraclara · 16/06/2019 21:44

I'm amazed that there are still (a few) people coming on here and prioritising the dog rather than the OP, who sounds to be in a desperate situation with her DH.

Apart from OP's needs, the dog needs the right home. Spending its_ entire life with the wrong family is far worse then having a temporary home until its forever family come along.

SarcasticFringehead · 16/06/2019 21:45

PLEASE stop feeling guilty - a dog does not care where they live as long as they are fed, walked, warm etc. The dog will be fine. You and your husband are far more important.

HiJuice · 16/06/2019 22:12

The dog sounds like a nightmare. Don't feel guilty, it will need someone with experience and a lot of time and patience, and will probably never make the kind of pet that you want.
The right dog is out there.
Whatever you decide to do about your relationship, don't let this dog affect your decision making

Kaddm · 17/06/2019 09:00

The dog needs to be rescued by someone like a dog trainer who is very experienced. You do see it a lot on MN - “don’t get a puppy, get a rescue” but it’s very very difficult. My dB rescued a dog who ended up with loads of problems and thousands of pounds of vet bills. She has ongoing major problems, despite having an absolutely lovely life with my dB and his dw being devoted to her.

Original poster
AttheEdges · 17/06/2019 09:53

We return her later today. I hardly slept last night, and feel bloody awful now.

I know it's the right thing for her, but the idea of her lonely and confused back in kennels has me sobbing. I know it's not about me, I feel for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
AttheEdges · 17/06/2019 09:55

And thank you so much for the kind words - i don't deserve it :(

OP posts:
Branleuse · 17/06/2019 10:19

You have done a lot for that dog. You were led on by a rescue centre who were frankly negligent in their eagerness to offload the dog that they lied to you.
Not all rescues are like this, and certainly not all rescue dogs

juneau · 17/06/2019 10:39

You are doing the right thing and you know it. She's a lovely dog, you're a lovely person, but you're not the right fit for one another. It's a shame that she's been returned to the rescue once before, but I do feel that it's their fault. You don't pair a challenging dog with complex needs with an inexperienced owner who has clearly stated that they don't want that kind of dog.

If I'm being brutally honest, I think a lot of rescues are overwhelmed with greyhound-type dogs and anyone who shows any interest is hustled through the adoption process in the hope that they'll take a challenging dog on and love it so much that they won't be able to take it back. We're looking into adopting a cat and I've been amazed at how desperate these shelters are to place animals - particularly ones that are older, disabled or challenging. I looked at one cat who'd had his tail removed and I'd been there no more than 5 mins when I was asked 'So do you want him?'. FFS, I'd barely got in the door! So don't feel bad OP. The rescue centre really wasn't thinking about you in all this - they just wanted that dog homed and hoped you and your DH, home alone all day, would take on this challenging dog for them.

puppymouse · 17/06/2019 11:53

@AttheEdges have a massive hug from me. I'd be beside myself in your shoes too but sometimes these things are for the best.

GraceSlicksRabbit · 17/06/2019 12:53

Well done. Now take a breath and hopefully you’ll be able to get your marriage back on track. Best of luck.

Coulddowithanap · 17/06/2019 13:28

Please don't feel bad for the dog. You gave her a lovely home for a month.

Original poster
AttheEdges · 17/06/2019 13:48

Thank you so, so much for the support. I expected to be flamed.

She's now returned; she was ridiculously happy to be back at the kennels and was put with another high energy dog - she didn't so much as look or glance back at us! Never seen her look so happy.

We spoke with the kennels for an hour, and told them everything we'd tried. They apologised profusely for placing her with us, said they'd be happy to find another dog for us (no thanks) and offered a refund of her adoption fee. I said no, and gave a larger donation toward her care. Along with toys and blankets for her and other dogs there.

I'm back home now and although I'm massively missing her and the house feels empty, I'm really relieved too.

It's the right thing for her. She can get the expert care she needs now.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 17/06/2019 13:51

Oh bless you OP. That must’ve been so hard but you’re trying to do the very best for her. I hope you can find a way forward and make things better at home.

TheInebriati · 17/06/2019 13:53

Well done, you did the right thing for both of you. Now she stands a better chance of finding the right home.

Fairylea · 17/06/2019 13:54

Well done op. Flowers

Teacakeandalatte · 17/06/2019 14:03

Glad this worked out for you OP and your dog is happy. I think like others only a very experienced owner with some other suitable dogs for company and the right facilities where her destructive behaviour can be safely contained, would manage such a difficult dog.

Pursefirst · 17/06/2019 14:16

Poor dog.

I bloody hope your DH gets off his arse now and sticks to the plans he was so keen to make for when the poor dog got returned. He sounds like a complete drip, I would have kept the dog and left the husband.

tomatosalt · 17/06/2019 14:32

If you do feel that a dog could still improve your quality of life, it’s not unreasonable to consider what sort of breed you would like. I know there’s a push for ‘adopt don’t shop’ but that doesn’t work for everyone.
I have a purebred dog and she adds so much to my life. We chose her breed because they have a lovely temperament and are smart and easy to train. I also knew I wouldn’t mind grooming her (she has long hair) and going for long walks (she is big and moderate/high energy). I have so much respect for people who invest the time in correcting problem behaviours but I don’t have the resources to do it.

Wolfiefan · 17/06/2019 14:37

Also a sneaky plug for The Cinnamon Trust it dog walking for another rescue. None of the responsibility but a lot of the enjoyment.

Usingmyindoorvoice · 17/06/2019 14:47

I just want to give you both some Flowers and a hug.
You and your husband have had so much to deal with, I hope you can make new plans together and work it out.

iloveeverykindofcat1 · 17/06/2019 14:57

So what is your DP going to do to address his depression and the burden on you?

eddielizzard · 17/06/2019 15:03

It was clearly the right thing to do. None of you were happy with the situation. Now you can focus on your relationship. Onwards and upwards!

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