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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To return the dog

183 replies

AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 08:27

DH and I live alone, married for 10 years and have recently been told we can't have children. IVF not an option for us, and for us neither is adoption.

Neither of us have any family, we just have each other. I have a couple of friends I see once in a while, DH is quite a hermit introvert so really only sees me. He doesn't (need to) work as he has income from investment so he's home 24/7. I have been lonely for a while (I do volunteer and have hobbies which helps).

But I always assumed we'd have our own family unit and that would fill the gap.

Someone suggested on here when I posted about the pain of infertility that they found getting a dog helped. So after a few months of research and thinking, we bought home a young dog a month ago.

Not one day has been good. It's made my husband stressed, withdrawn, and distant. The dog is a massive handful, we were misled a little about her energy level and issues. Not just one issue but about a dozen. None are easy, quick fixes and a behaviourist has said it'll take at least 6-12 months for improvement. We are not experienced owners and made this clear to the rescue we got her from, so I'm amazed they said she was suitable for us.

The dog bonded with me more than him, I do the majority of the training, feeding etc. I think he's genuinely stressed at the upheaval and change to our quiet lives, but part of me thinks he might be a bit put out because the dog gets a lot of (all) my attention and everything, the whole day, is geared around her needs being met. He's resenting the time and attention she takes, but it's not like he anything else before we got her!

He's barely said a word to me for three days, he's not in a sulk as he's not like that, but he seems so low and depressed. I hate this atmosphere and I feel overwhelmed with his mood, and with the amount of energy and attention the dog needs.

It's not fair on the dog to live in a house with this atmosphere. AIBU to take the dog back to the rescue to find a happier home?

And then I'm considering leaving DH. :( If he's like this with a wee dog, then thank god we're infertile. I can't go back to our lives how they were but I can't continue how they are.

OP posts:
Kaddm · 16/06/2019 14:36

Christ, I’d consider doing a runner from the pair of them. You sound trapped by the pair of them.

Original poster
AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 14:43

@puppymouse I agree, I think the fantasy of the movie version of it all working out has kept me going for the past month.

The reality is, it isn't.

I asked DH what would he do of we return the dog? DH looked visibly better, replied he'd find a part time job, look to move to a new house as he's not happy here (neither am I) and do some travelling at weekends in-between. That's the first time he's talked about the future in a long time.

We used to be so active, we both worked and travelled - then TTC took over, then the pain of infertility, we were able to not work and the marriage hasn't been the same since.

Not working was all we worked toward, sacrificed for, to start a family, and it's been nothing but a curse.

OP posts:
Mishappening · 16/06/2019 14:45

If my OH imported a dog into our home, I would certainly divorce him - absolutely no question!!

puppymouse · 16/06/2019 14:54

@AttheEdges that makes total sense. It's such a huge goal for so many people but humans are psychologically programmed to hunt and gather and we need purpose, fulfillment and stimulation. Jobs might not provide that for everyone but they're a means to an end to do the things that do provide that. He's just lost his way a bit and wasn't resilient enough or ready for the whirlwind challenge of a dog.

Start again, doing little regular things you both enjoy, get "busier" and it sounds like it might bring you closer 💕

Original poster
AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 15:10

puppymouse you're right, thank you for your posts.

I'm going to phone the rescue tomorrow. At least she's returning as a slightly better dog - house trained, knows a few tricks, and we know her likes/dislikes and know her behaviour issues very well. I'll look on it as a period of fostering. Hopefully she'll be placed with experienced people and another sighthound friend.

...and I can rebuild my life.

OP posts:
puppymouse · 16/06/2019 15:18

You're very welcome. Bless her, I hope she finds herself in a lovely home soon. Thanks

SomewhereInbetween1 · 16/06/2019 15:21

Poor dog ☹️

SarcasticFringehead · 16/06/2019 15:24

I couldn't handle a dog - they are an energy drain. I have two children that I am very capable of doing well by - the two are mutually exclusive. Just because your husband is stressed by the dog, doesn't mean he isn't a good man, or wouldn't have been a fine father.

BedraggledBlitz · 16/06/2019 15:25

I think you are doing the right thing for everyone, including the dog x

Original poster
AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 15:46

Definitely doing the right thing by the dog. She's been much loved and looked after while with us, I'm gutted we are not the right fit.

I was totally honest with the rescue center about my experience and expectations, can't believe now that they thought we were suitable.

I think because one of us is home 24/7 and we have no kids then there was no danger, as such.

They even insisted we give them a collection date ASAP when we came to see her the first time, and were a bit off when I said I wanted to meet her a few times before committing.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 16/06/2019 17:04

I suspect the rescue centre didn't know the full extent of hte issues.

To reassure you - to fix separation anxiety, you cannot leave the dog any longer than the dog can cope without distress.. which in your case sounds like 'not at all'.

If you cannot ensure someone is with the dog at all times whilst you work on behaviour modification (with the support of a professional, which is what I mainly do) then you will not fix either the sep. anxiety issue or the related stress based destruction stuff, or the inability to relax without physically touching you, or the reactivity.

This is a long term and highly demanding both emotionally and financially, issue to fix and honestly, I would not blame ANYONE for not wanting to or not being able to, take that on.

This is very much not the right dog for you, so I hope that the rescue will take her back and not mess you about!

Ariela · 16/06/2019 17:07

Please do not be too upset about returning the dog. Every dog has a home and I suspect the dog rescue have been a bit hasty in matching you, but there will be the perfect family somewhere, probably a work at home or stay at home mum with teenage kids & previous dog experience happy to take her on. My friend & her husband both work from home, and have the time to look after an additional needs dog. The one they got was in Dogs Trust kennels for 5 years, having been rehomed at least half a dozen times and always being returned for being destructive, difficult with visitors etc. It's taken a long time for said dog to accept me visiting but she's fine now. So please return your dog as not suitable for first time dog owners, and do not feel guilty about it.

Densol999 · 16/06/2019 17:32

Dont feel bad. Sometimes a dog doesnt work. Take him back, its the kindest thing to do. I have a little cockerpoo I trained from a puppy. As he has poodle in him he is so clever and obedient. Maybe a little poodle mix dog later on if you decide you want to try again. Dont be guilt tripped into keeping him. If you are not an experienced dog owner then keeping him will make things even worse.

Your DH is depressed. He is showing classic symptoms but only he can be the one to seek treatment. Once the dog is out of your hair, then you can concentrate on yourselves and decide if you can be happy, or let go of each other

Original poster
AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 18:27

I just phoned the rescue center now to say we'll be returning her and to ask the process - turns out she's already been returned once :( poor thing has had so much upheaval in her life already. I bloody hope they put her with the right family now 💔😢

OP posts:
Condamine · 16/06/2019 18:34

That's really not your fault and more a reflection on the rescue centre. If they were honest to begin with they would have explained the needs of the dog and I suspect should have placed it with an experienced dog owner.

I have rescue dogs and the rescue centres have been very particular about their needs putting the dogs well being first as it should be.
You are definitely doing the right thing, emotional as it will be but it's better to do this sooner rather than later.

puppymouse · 16/06/2019 18:35

That poor dog Sad

Some just need specialist care and finding it is like a needle in a hay stack. I feel it with horses a lot. Most of the ones at the yard mine is at would be PTS or unmanageable elsewhere.

OliviaBenson · 16/06/2019 18:39

The rescue centre have really let both you and the dog down here.

Hugs for you.

Original poster
AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 18:42

I just feel so much worse now knowing she's already been returned. She doesn't deserve that. She's so loving. A massive handful, sure, but very sweet.

I asked about the possibility of fostering her while we all search for and find the perfect home (thinking I'll post on sighthound rescue groups maybe) but they flat out refused and said legally she must be returned straight back to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
AttheEdges · 16/06/2019 18:45

@OliviaBenson looking back, they were very pushy for us to just take her ASAP and gave very little information that they really, really should have told us. It's this poor dog my heart is breaking for. :(

OP posts:
SkintAsASkintThing · 16/06/2019 18:56

Oh I feel so sad for your DH. He sounds extremely depressed :(

And what the hell were the rescue playing at ?? Working dogs aren't family pets. And they certainly aren't a first time owner dog. No wonder you're struggling 😲😲😲

Bookworm4 · 16/06/2019 19:08

Personally I wouldn’t return the dog after a month, please give her a better chance as going back to kennels will undo any good you’ve done. Your DH could get involved in training instead of hanging about the house. A dog with SA is hard to place and home with someone at home is like gold dust, you are in the position to help her.

Coulddowithanap · 16/06/2019 19:12

Wow that rescue centre sounds shocking. That poor dog. They really should have told you about any issues before you adopting her.
Our lurcher is an absolute handful and needs a good run round the dog run with other dogs (it's just not the same when its just us as I can't tire her out). If she doesn't get her run then she's like having a couple of toddlers in the house.

Somertime · 16/06/2019 19:16

Could you try another rescue centre rather than the one you got her from? They sound pretty irresponsible.

OliviaBenson · 16/06/2019 19:21

Could you try a breed specific rescue? You could tell the other one you have changed your mind.

This is not your fault though. I know someone else this happened to and the rescue lied to them. Awful for all involved.

Cath2907 · 16/06/2019 19:21

I left my version of your husband. I took the dog (puppy). Am a lot happier. Puppy is asleep!