To return the dog

[AttheEdges]

DH and I live alone, married for 10 years and have recently been told we can't have children. IVF not an option for us, and for us neither is adoption.

Neither of us have any family, we just have each other. I have a couple of friends I see once in a while, DH is quite a hermit introvert so really only sees me. He doesn't (need to) work as he has income from investment so he's home 24/7. I have been lonely for a while (I do volunteer and have hobbies which helps).

But I always assumed we'd have our own family unit and that would fill the gap.

Someone suggested on here when I posted about the pain of infertility that they found getting a dog helped. So after a few months of research and thinking, we bought home a young dog a month ago.

Not one day has been good. It's made my husband stressed, withdrawn, and distant. The dog is a massive handful, we were misled a little about her energy level and issues. Not just one issue but about a dozen. None are easy, quick fixes and a behaviourist has said it'll take at least 6-12 months for improvement. We are not experienced owners and made this clear to the rescue we got her from, so I'm amazed they said she was suitable for us.

The dog bonded with me more than him, I do the majority of the training, feeding etc. I think he's genuinely stressed at the upheaval and change to our quiet lives, but part of me thinks he might be a bit put out because the dog gets a lot of (all) my attention and everything, the whole day, is geared around her needs being met. He's resenting the time and attention she takes, but it's not like he anything else before we got her!

He's barely said a word to me for three days, he's not in a sulk as he's not like that, but he seems so low and depressed. I hate this atmosphere and I feel overwhelmed with his mood, and with the amount of energy and attention the dog needs.

It's not fair on the dog to live in a house with this atmosphere. AIBU to take the dog back to the rescue to find a happier home?

And then I'm considering leaving DH. :( If he's like this with a wee dog, then thank god we're infertile. I can't go back to our lives how they were but I can't continue how they are.

I wouldn't be rushing to get a cat if you do return it. There are no guarantees with living things. My rescue cat was a huge source of emotional and financial strain for the first YEAR, before she blossomed into the healthy queen she is today.

Personally I wouldn't persevere with the dog. It's not working, you're frustrated with her and it will be showing in your unconscious body language. She deserves a home that adores her - and it's not your fault that you aren't the right fit with her.

I prefer to buy puppies. I research breeds to find what will fit into my lifestyle. It takes time to find the right dog. I got a cocker from work to be a buddy for a pup I was getting. She's not a bad dog but came with baggage. I was her fourth home before she turned three. She obviously didn't have the best start, but she's mine now. After four years with me, some things are fixed and some will be there forever.

PeoniesarePink

Wow. Just Wow.

'bin the husband'

You do realise you are talking about a human being here, who is clearly suffering?

Take the dog back then consider if you want to be with your DH. It sounds miserable.

Do you really need to rule out adopting?

What breed is she?

Poor dog, and your husband sounds like a drip. Hope you're ok, OP

Have I missed what breed the dog is?
Knowing that would help.

Your husband is a whole different issue that having the dog has brought into focus.

You are obviously educated and comfortable financially and no one in that situation should be thinking how did things end up like this.

Change is needed.

I've had rescue dogs all my life, but it doesn't sound to me that you pair are the best match for the dog and in your situation I would speak to the rescue and explain how its not working out but offer to continue to have the dog with you until a new home is found.

If you do that, what's happening (from the dog's point of view - the most important view here) is no different from the 1000s of dogs who are fostered before rehoming across the UK. The whole point of fostering is a) to get the dog out of a kennel environment (tick) b) to assess the dog to determine any issues it may have, so new owners can be pre-armed (tick) c) to determine what type of home would suit it best (tick).

From your point of view, you have 'failed' the dog, as you signed a piece of paper, made a lifelong committment to be its new owner, and thats a lot of baggage for you to carry with you. But that is not the dog's point of view! Dog will be none the wiser, and no worse off than any of the 1000s of other dogs who are fostered before finding their perfect match.

Oh, and my cat is much more high maintenance than my dog. My dog is a complete walk in the park by comparison to the whiny, annoying little feline fucker Nothing is guaranteed where animals are concerned!

A month is no time at all for a dog to settle. We have a Romanian rescue who was really hard work at first. He gradually got better and better and now spends all day asleep!

I don't see how having adopting a child would be any easier?

origamiwarrior

Did you honestly just say:

from the dog's point of view - the most important view here

What about OP and her terribly depressed DH? Do they not come into it?

Give back the dog. You aren’t the right owner for her and it’s unfair for her. Get an easier one next time, tell the rescue you need something ready trained. There are plenty of dogs out there which need homes because their owner can no longer do walks etc or has died, but they’re perfectly trained already.

Any way I look at it it's pretty hopeless. I'll never have the family I need. Life is pretty unfair for lots of us.

Thank you so much for the kind replies, it means a lot to me. Actually this whole site has been a great source of support and encouragement, I wish I could be as strong and emotionally resillient as a great deal of you. There's so many amazing people here.

I think I know what to do.

Don't be afraid to put what you want and need first, OP. Your feelings count just as much as your DH's, it sounds like you've forgotten that in all of this

Ah, now I know who you are OP and I remember your previous threads.

You have huge issues in your relationship that are NOTHING to do with the dog. You have had brilliant advice on your other threads and it sounded like you had made progress at making a life for yourself.

You are so so young. You sound lovely and caring and interesting and intelligent. You deserve much more from life than this.

If you can't cope with the dog then yanbu. But your dh sounds like a right barrel of laughs not. I couldn't live like that to be honest with you.

Mitzicoc if you read that statement in context you would see that I am saying that the dog's point of view of the rehoming situation, is more important that the OP's point of view of the rehoming situation (where she feels rehoming the dog means she has 'failed' the dog, that she's not tried hard enough for the dog etc). That's the human baggage. Dogs don't think like that. Dog will not feel let down/abandoned/unworthy if it is rehomed. If dogs did, then no reputable rescues would foster.

Dog is not a good match for the OP and her situation. OP must not let her anthropomorphism baggage prevent her from doing what is right for the dog.

right

@AttheEdges Whatever you decide, please do tell yourself that you’ve clearly put a lot of work into looking after the dog. If you return him? It’s a case of the rescue being wrong about his needs and the suitability of the fit rather than neglect on your part.

I am 5 weeks into having a new puppy and the disruption/change a dog brings to a household is dramatic. I don’t agree with a few posters that your DH’s response to the dog are an indication he couldn’t cope with a baby - there are some big emotional, physical and physiological differences.

I haven’t read your previous threads so aren’t sure what previous issues you have had with your marriage, but what struck me from your post was you’re the one who’s getting stuck into life, who’s doing things like looking after the dog and wanting to make your husband happy, and he’s not able to mirror an interest in your happiness for whatever reason.

@BackwardsGoing thanks so much, backwards. I feel like I've tried my best and really took on board all the advice from other threads. I keep hoping/trying by making changes, but things keep getting worse.

I don't want to give up on the dog, and I know my DH is a good person. He's been through a lot, too.

I just want a normal, happy enough life. I don't care about money, or fancy holidays, or clothes etc - I just want to live a life I feel I have a place in.

What is the breed of dog?

She's a sighthound, not sure on the mix at all though. She's very gorgeous.

And she just pulled all the washing off the line while I was in the bathroom for 5 minutes. Had to give her chicken to stop eating the pegs she had; that'll mean her tummy is bad again today. Another half dozen runny poos to clean.

Now she's pulling the branches off the hedge.

This is after an hour's walk, breakfast in a kong and a 20 minute training session for sit and stay. It's not even midday.

At least she's enjoying herself.

I'm actually ugly crying. Urg.

I think it's early day with the dog, a month is nothing especially if she's come from a difficult back ground.

Seriously, ask yourself the question: who is most important. Your DH or the dog.....?