To return the dog

[AttheEdges]

DH and I live alone, married for 10 years and have recently been told we can't have children. IVF not an option for us, and for us neither is adoption.

Neither of us have any family, we just have each other. I have a couple of friends I see once in a while, DH is quite a hermit introvert so really only sees me. He doesn't (need to) work as he has income from investment so he's home 24/7. I have been lonely for a while (I do volunteer and have hobbies which helps).

But I always assumed we'd have our own family unit and that would fill the gap.

Someone suggested on here when I posted about the pain of infertility that they found getting a dog helped. So after a few months of research and thinking, we bought home a young dog a month ago.

Not one day has been good. It's made my husband stressed, withdrawn, and distant. The dog is a massive handful, we were misled a little about her energy level and issues. Not just one issue but about a dozen. None are easy, quick fixes and a behaviourist has said it'll take at least 6-12 months for improvement. We are not experienced owners and made this clear to the rescue we got her from, so I'm amazed they said she was suitable for us.

The dog bonded with me more than him, I do the majority of the training, feeding etc. I think he's genuinely stressed at the upheaval and change to our quiet lives, but part of me thinks he might be a bit put out because the dog gets a lot of (all) my attention and everything, the whole day, is geared around her needs being met. He's resenting the time and attention she takes, but it's not like he anything else before we got her!

He's barely said a word to me for three days, he's not in a sulk as he's not like that, but he seems so low and depressed. I hate this atmosphere and I feel overwhelmed with his mood, and with the amount of energy and attention the dog needs.

It's not fair on the dog to live in a house with this atmosphere. AIBU to take the dog back to the rescue to find a happier home?

And then I'm considering leaving DH. :( If he's like this with a wee dog, then thank god we're infertile. I can't go back to our lives how they were but I can't continue how they are.

And ignore all the dog people here trying to guilt you, shocking.

@sweetmarmalade - those are exactly the questions I was thinking. 40lbs of dog is one big dog!

Many dogs in rescue centres can have a difficult start in life .This coupled with your problems conceiving, can probably be too much for you ATM.Can you speak to your husband at all?.Most rescue centres will take back a dog who isnt settling.There do seem to be a lot of issues here ,you seem to be a little isolated as well .Dogs are a
huge commitment and many people would struggle to cope TBH. Have a chat to your husband ,I think he feels overwhelmed !.If you have some counselling together and go thorough some of the issues here .You may feel a little better ,and more in position to get a SMALL dog later on. /Maltese terrier /Schoutzner /Small poodle or Cocker spaniel. All should be easier to handle for you .If you decide to break up then at least you will be clear in your mind the way forward!

I think if you can stick with the dog it will be long term very rewarding and fulfilling for both you and her.

Are you able to find a good walker who is experienced with rescues and can take her out for walks? That will give you a good break and will also help with someone else experienced helping her with her trauma. 5 days a week if that helps you.

As for husband - lot of issues there. I imagine not having to work is actually a bit of a curse. The thing is - that he's the one who has to face the issues and work on them. You can't do it for him. A separation might spark him into doing that. Or not. Either way you need to move on with your own life (hopefully with pooch!!)

Age wise - the rescue said she was around 2 years old but honestly she's more like 12 months. Our vet thought she was a pup.

Two separate problems here. Poor dog who probably isn’t suited to inexperienced owners and needs a family with either no kids or teenagers, and owners who are experienced in behavioural issues who have plenty and time, energy and money available to address the issues and give her a happy home.

Poor you - miserable. It’s not the dog, it’s your marriage. See if you can get him into counselling. Couples and individual. Tell him where you are - your marriage could end. If that doesn’t force him to do something then maybe this marriage is over.

Oh no, op. How hard for you. I took on two re-home working cocker spaniels and they are a high intensity breed. Taking on such dogs can often mean rectifying the bad behaviours learnt from previous owners. We found it hard at first, but nothing like as bad as you are describing.

Ours were poor on leads - owner had bottled it and just let them off lead walk/run. Although I found it frustrating, I realised they also need to know what I expected from them as they are intelligent dogs. It took time but they are good now. I cant tell you it was a short term fix because it took around 12 months. They also don't run away off lead and wait for me. But they can be very annoying and needy. One is a bit unreliable with delivery men so I have moved the postbox outside the garden.

This doesn't help you because, particularly the dodgy tummy on top of everything else, is really hard. If you decide to return the dog, you will feel very upset and this on top of you dh's current behaviour is going to have further impact upon you.

No judgement here op. Just do the right thing for you. You may feel an overwhelming sense of release when you return the dog, but you will still feel upset.

Sorry if I have missed anything as I havent read the full thread.

I think you should return the dog, she should have been homed with an experienced owner; it's not fair on either of you.
I'm not sure if you work but if not then you should look at getting a job and also seriously consider leaving your husband, your lives sound lonely, boring and isolated and from what you have said he doesn't want to change.

I find it odd that so many posters on here are basically saying, get rid of your husband (is he to be re-homed ffs?) and keep the dog!!!!

Take her back to the rescue.

I had a similar experience with a rescue dog and got a load of abuse on here about it. We had all the issues you describe, I contacted the rescue for help many times and was not given any help. I ended up getting depressed, the kids were staying in their rooms because the dog was just whining, we were unable to go anywhere as he hated it in the car and hated being left alone. We did manage to work on the separation anxiety and it did improve but he would want constant walks due to his breed (working breed). In the end I returned him in hope he would be rehomed on a farm where he could work. The rescue I got him from has since closed down. They didn’t even do a home check or any follow up checks after giving us the dog.

Please don’t let the dog take over your life or ruin your relationship, take it back so the rescue can find a more suitable home, the dog maybe better if kept with another dog.

That is quite a list of issues and I don't think anyone would judge you if you chose to rehome the dog.

But as others have said a month is an incredibly short time in that dog's life. If you can stick it out and get the right advice and support you will have a best friend for the rest of your life.

If you do decide to rehome maybe see if you can keep the dog until the rescue finds a new family. Going back to the centre will undo all the good things you have done for her so far.

Your DH does not sound nice at all. His physical and mental health issues are not an excuse to treat you badly or isolate you from friends, family and outside interests. He needs to seek help for himself.

Good luck

Difficult one. If dh was on board with the dog, would you still want to return her?

Lovemusic33 put it far more eloquently.

So age wise anywhere between 12-24 months?

What’s the breed, OP?

I remember your previous posts

I'm really not sure you can survive this marriage long term tbh...
Regards the dog, blimey that seems too much for you to fix on your own and perhaps you need to tell the rescue you can't do it anymore

Longer term you may be better suited to a house cat (not kitten) most breeds have their own welfare & rescue and often they will have ex breeding queens that need a new home. Research the breeds - some are much more human owner focused rather than aloof!

Really you need to resolve your marriage issues though. There is nothing wrong telling your H that either gets help and compromises or it's over.

Oh yes, agree that cats are lovely pets, and can really help with anxiety. I got my kitten during a difficult time and she really helped me.

I think at the end of the day this is your life, the only one you'll have and you need to put yourself first in this instance.

Return the dog to rescue (although perhaps a better one!) with a full list of her issues

Talk openly and honestly to your DH and seek professional help, but don't be afraid to walk away if you need to.

Oh op you sound like your having a very hard time of it.
I know how hard a rescue dog with the issues you talked about is, I've got a rescue huskie the same. But it can work if you really want it to.
1st if you choose to keep her get a ruffware harness that will prevent her from escaping (there Houdini proof)
2nd when walking the dog use both hands on the lead as gives you more control over the dog and allows you to brace yourself better so you don't get dragged over.
3rd a pocket of her dog biscuits works just as well as any treats.
4th let her come everywhere with you (even the toilet) for a month or so until she realises that your not leaving too. Then start shutting her out of the bathroom ect and build up time apart.
5th the chewing if she's a puppy she will grow out of it ( though really annoying)
6th DO NOT hold the dog when she sleeps sit beside her and pet her till she falls asleep. It will be hard.
7th puppy training is a great way to socialise a dog of any age.

All of this does work and you will have a wonderful loving dog at the end of it but it's a long hard slog if you can't/don't have the energy then please do give her back so she can find the right home. My huskie hard 3 previous owners (not including her breeders) before me and she wasn't even 6 months old. Shes now almost 5 and is a completly different animal from the scared 1 we got all those years ago and completely worth it good luck

So your husband has no job, no family, no friends and no hobbies? No wonder the poor bloke is depressed!

I think you need the dog. Yes - it will be hard and exhausting and will change your lives. Of course your husband is in shock that he no longer has 24 hours a day to read or watch telly or whatever it was he did. But “suck it up, buttercup”. You need this. Human beings are evolutionarily designed to desire to challenge and strive and work. The ones that didn’t got eaten by lions.

This is your chance to build a worthwhile life where you achieve something and get to build a routine. Who else is going to adopt this dog? A couple with at least one worker? Will they have more time than you? A retired couple? Will they have more energy than you?

Are you walking the dog enough? Try and walk the dog together - the exercise and fresh air will help your husband a little. Also try and walk the dog at the same time a day. For an introvert a routined dog walking is a brilliant way of interacting with people. You get to see the same people over and over again but all you have to do is smile and nod - no need to actually make conversation. (I like lane swimming for the same reason.)

I just don't know what to do.

This is an untenable situation. The dog clearly needs a lot of work and attention for a very long time. Your DH isn't on board here and you're both clearly desperately unhappy. I would give the rescue a call and tell them you're really not coping. See what they say.

I think you need some space from your DH. His lifestyle is very unhealthy mentally. No hobbies, no friends, staying at home all day, no energy. You can't fix him without him wanting to fix himself. Will he go out with you for a coffee this afternoon? The dog is compounding the problem by making going out so hard.

The dog isnt the problem.

Return the dog to the rescue. You dont have the energy or capacity to look after it properly.

Then deal with your marriage.

I ask about breeds because some breeds are much, much harder work than others. It really does pay to take time to do your research, especially as you are first time owners.

Although it does seem like there is far more going on in your relationship and throwing a lively, all consuming dog into the mix has exacerbated some underlying issues?

Your DH sounds like he's sucking the life out of you, in honesty. I get that people suffer from depression but that doesn't give him a free pass to drag you down with him. And given the lack of medical evidence, he sounds like he's enjoying his misery..........

As for the dog, a month is nothing and bear in mind your dog has probably had a rotten start in life. You're building a trust with her at the moment, and I'd seek advice from a good local trainer. We've got 2 nervy spaniels with separation anxiety and it can and does get better the more you work at it.

I'd bin the DH and put my energy into the dog, being honest.

Are you sure you are dog people? Cats are much easier and your husband sounds like more of a cat person.