To return the dog

[AttheEdges]

DH and I live alone, married for 10 years and have recently been told we can't have children. IVF not an option for us, and for us neither is adoption.

Neither of us have any family, we just have each other. I have a couple of friends I see once in a while, DH is quite a hermit introvert so really only sees me. He doesn't (need to) work as he has income from investment so he's home 24/7. I have been lonely for a while (I do volunteer and have hobbies which helps).

But I always assumed we'd have our own family unit and that would fill the gap.

Someone suggested on here when I posted about the pain of infertility that they found getting a dog helped. So after a few months of research and thinking, we bought home a young dog a month ago.

Not one day has been good. It's made my husband stressed, withdrawn, and distant. The dog is a massive handful, we were misled a little about her energy level and issues. Not just one issue but about a dozen. None are easy, quick fixes and a behaviourist has said it'll take at least 6-12 months for improvement. We are not experienced owners and made this clear to the rescue we got her from, so I'm amazed they said she was suitable for us.

The dog bonded with me more than him, I do the majority of the training, feeding etc. I think he's genuinely stressed at the upheaval and change to our quiet lives, but part of me thinks he might be a bit put out because the dog gets a lot of (all) my attention and everything, the whole day, is geared around her needs being met. He's resenting the time and attention she takes, but it's not like he anything else before we got her!

He's barely said a word to me for three days, he's not in a sulk as he's not like that, but he seems so low and depressed. I hate this atmosphere and I feel overwhelmed with his mood, and with the amount of energy and attention the dog needs.

It's not fair on the dog to live in a house with this atmosphere. AIBU to take the dog back to the rescue to find a happier home?

And then I'm considering leaving DH. :( If he's like this with a wee dog, then thank god we're infertile. I can't go back to our lives how they were but I can't continue how they are.

Honestly the dog sounds like a nightmare! I'd be stressed and withdrawn sharing my house with a dog who was reactive, bit ankles, impossible to walk, had to be cuddled to sleep and kept having stomach upsets indoors! How can you and your DH enjoy a dog with so many behavioural/emotional issues?

Dogs are nothing like kids so I think it's unfair to assume he'd react to a child the same way he's reacting to the dog. Dogs are pets, they are meant to enrich your life not cause a rift in your marriage.

In your shoes I think I'd get rid of the dog and find a hobby or job to fill my time and make friends.

The issue is you have two problems.

The dog one I can totally understand. My puppy made me cry so many times.

The DH one sounds like there is a back story so I won't comment as I haven't read any previous posts.

I remember who you are, OP. I think getting a dog was possibly a good idea for a couple in your situation - but not this dog. This is the WRONG DOG! Return the poor thing to the rescue. Get a low-energy small breed if you really must get a dog. Have you thought about getting a job? Even something for a few mornings a week would get you out of the house and interacting with other humans. A job would do your DH good as well - i know he doesn't need to work from a financial POV, but it would give him a focus for his life.

So possibly a lurcher? which could be a mixture of breeds.

I don’t know much about sighthounds. There are a few different breeds though. Yours is still only young and will have bags of energy. I remember our lab, she was hard work, very hard and that was with both of us putting in the graft to train her well. You’ve taken on a rescue, of unknown mix, with a depressed DH, who doesn’t want to know the dog. Sounds like an impossible situation, only if you can’t cope by yourself in tending to not only your dh depression but the dogs needs too.

Your house in theory sounds like an ideal place for a dog. You both have ample time to commit but it is hard work. Especially with a young dog. They need your full attention.

In hindsight I think you would have been more suited to a much older rescue dog.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Do you have RL friends you can confide in?

You are welcome OP. Don't be discouraged from keeping on and trying new things. You're bound to come across things that don't work but keep the end goal in mind.

Return the dog. Its not fair that the rescue were not clear about how big a project this dog was.

Sounds like the rescue people either wanted to get this dog out of there, or did not realise what hard work it would be. I would take it back, giving them the list you have typed here. Not fair to both of your. As for your DH, that's another matter altogether, and sounds like you both need professional help or counselling at least.

I think you are 'over dogged' she does not sound a like a good fit for you sadly as a first time owner, I think you should return her to the rescue with an honest list of her issues, and would also agree with another poster that maybe a cat or two would be a better fit.

Send the dog back, it's too high maintenance for you.

Decide what you want to do re do.

DH

Op return the dog, you are not coping and it is clearly unhappy. Then take a long deep breath and think about your marriage. Perhaps i missed it by have you mentioned your age? Perhaps your husband is depressed, perhaps he is just a selfish, unmotivated rather dull individual, but if you are young, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this? You have been through so much as a couple, but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a situation that is making you so unhappy.

Please don't feel bad about returning the dog. If you did lots of research and got her through a rescue, who try to match people with dogs and they got it very wrong, then you've done your best. It sounds like actually you're still grieving your infertility and maybe getting a dog is right for some people in your circumstances, but it's clearly not what you and your DH need.

As for your relationship - it sounds like maybe it's run its course. Can you see yourself living with your DH for the rest of your life? Living like this, with someone who has no one else in his life and who is so antisocial and miserable? I know I couldn't. Living with someone like that would compound any grief I was feeling.

So number one, return the dog. Number two, take the advice in your other threads. You can have a lovely full life with or without kids, but you need to be with someone with whom you can have those things, not a hermit.

The dog is not the most important thing and neither is DH. YOU are the most important - put your own oxygen mask on first, always look after the first aider. What can you do for anybody when you are frayed to pieces? Who says you matter less than the dog or the DH?

Sack them for an afternoon and get a nice peaceful quiet break. Then ask yourself what you need to do for you. Other people don't know and can't tell you. I can't help thinking it's a false kindness to hold on to the dog; he would be better off with a more experienced dog person. The Rescue people should be more responsible; this is not a "starter dog". But you alone can know.

Look after yourself first.

Return the dog and don’t feel bad about it. In this situation it’s the kindest thing to do.

Are you sure you are dog people? Cats are much easier and your husband sounds like more of a cat person.

What a stupid callous response. OP has a dog and a husband to deal with right now, she does NOT need another animal in the equation ffs. OP it sounds like DH has slowly sunk into depression without even realising it, and no wonder if he is just vegetating in the house all day. He needs something to motivate him and it's just a shame that your poor dog wasn't the thing to do that for him. My heart is breaking for that dog who is yet again going to be ripped away from the person he has attached itself too and I'm so angry at the rescue centre who matched it with unexperienced people like you. But then I guess they didn't know that your DH was going to be worse than useless and thought that with TWO people at home all day you'd have the time to put in. If you truly believe you've done your best (I'm sure you have) I think you should return the dog and then give your husband a good kick up the arse before he ends up dragging you down with him. Good luck.

A sighthound! Makes sense now.
They need to run and to chase, ideally other sighthounds.
I have two sighthounds, big dog was a nightmare till he was 6 unless run with friends; he's been perfect from 7-14. Little dog is only 3 and an angel after running; both then just sleep all day.
Walks, toys and games just don't wear mine out, if fact despite having 30 secure acres to run in they rarely do unless they have a friend, I can then literally sit in the middle of a field with a book whilst they do zoomeis round me.

I would go on Facebook and join some groups, Lurcher appreciation society is good and we have Dog walks in Cheshire, I'm sure there is something similar near you with others looking (desperate) to meet up.

You can even club together and hire secure fields as sighthounds can be unreliable with recall.

Give it a few more weeks and see if that changes anything.

I've talked with DH and he says he's overwhelmed with everything, getting his head around the infertility still and he went along with the rescue dog because he thought it'd be good for me to have another focus. But he feels she's wrong for us.

I'm so upset and now angry the rescue told us she was suitable (after I told them what was suitable) because not only am I exhausted and drained but this poor dog has now got to be re-homed again.

It's not her fault I'm not experienced enough. I feel such a failure. This poor dog deserves a good, happy home.

Don't feel like a failure, its not your fault she isn't a suitable fit. A much calmer dog might have been more rewarding for both of you - but generally, dogs don't fix problems but mask them, and can cause new ones.

Please don’t feel like a failure OP. Sometimes you and a dog just aren’t the right fit and it does sound like the rescue have let you down here and not rehomed a suitable dog for you.

Thank you for being kind.

I honestly think she'd thrive in a busy family home, with another dog to play with.

Most of her problems come down to frustration, my gut says if she had more going on - a busier house, she LOVES kids, is very cuddly, and a bigger family 'pack' she'd be far more settled in herself. It's like she's missing something.

Hi OP, it sounds like maybe you and the dog just aren't right for each other and maybe rehoming is the way to go. I have lots of experience of sight hounds and they can be incredibly willful. It sounds like the mistake is on the part of the rescue for saying she was suitable for first time dog owners.

I did notice that in one of your posts you said "I had to give her chicken to stop her eating the pegs." Was the chicken in effect a bribe? Dogs learn very quickly that doing something they shouldn't gets rewarded with something tasty, which can spur a them into making as much mischief as they possibly can.

Was the chicken in effect a bribe?

Aren't all treats bribes? While I totally agree in theory, practically how else could I have possibly stopped her chewing and eating pegs she'd stolen off the line? She's far too fast to catch, and that would turn it into a game.

I repeated 'drop' with the chicken in my hand before she let the peg drop.

I didn't fancy a 30 minute catch me if you can game, or finding an emergency vet on a Sunday to remove an eaten peg from her stomach.

I admire you for admitting that you are struggling with your dog and realising that she needs a more experienced owner. Return her to the rescue and at a later date in the future you can consider whether you want to try again with a dog, cat or remain pet free. Please don’t feel guilty about taking her back, you are doing the best thing for her as well as yourself.

For now your most pressing issue is your marriage. Please forgive me as I don’t know the back story. Either your DH is very unwell or a miserable arse. I think counselling would be useful and may help you decide whether to stay or leave. And please remember even if your DH does have a health issue, you are not obliged to stay with him. If you are incompatible and unhappy, and you do seem to be very different to your husband and the way he wants to live his life, then you can and should leave.

Oh OP, sort the dog situation out first and then the marriage. That dog sounds too much for you.

I thought the poster who said upthread that you could think of this like a foster period for the dog had something there. I have a friend who fosters rescue dogs from abroad and it is very very hard work, but it does allow all of their issues to be exposed so they can be worked on. She has had one recently that the rescue swore never barked and was very quiet, she now has a very anxious, aggressive dog who never rests on her hands= it's difficult to know if the rescue knew or whether the dog was very different in the rescue, either way she is highly experienced and still finding it tiring, for you it must feel impossible. I would return the dog, with a written out list of behaviours and apologise you can't keep the dog long-term, and hope that this period of time will be of benefit to them. All those saying the dog has attached- well, that's the case with all foster placements, but you are working to move them on to the right suitable forever home. You have been part of that process but it looks like you can't be the forever home and don't beat yourself up about it.

I dno't know about the husband/marriage, it sounds like there is a lot more going on than in this thread (other threads?) but it does sound untenable in the long-term, but I do agree with everyone that has said that counselling and a period of thinking through the realization about children is a good starting point, and will help you make the decision about how you want to live your life.

My instant reaction was to think that whilst it's everyone's dream not to have to work, the reality is it provides purpose, motivation and discipline; the absence of which may be what's dragging your husband into a bit of a negative spiral.

A dog was a great idea in theory but it clearly needs a level of training and focus you don't have the experience for and which is further impacting on your husband's limited existence. I think in the movie version of this you would leave your husband, with the dog, or leave the dog with him even and the work and commitment put into the dog would put you both right.

But this is real life. I'd be looking at giving the dog back (I never say that on these threads) and then working on finding things for your husband to bring him back to life again and give him a purpose to get out of bed in the morning - perhaps a dog wasn't the answer.