To return the dog

[AttheEdges]

DH and I live alone, married for 10 years and have recently been told we can't have children. IVF not an option for us, and for us neither is adoption.

Neither of us have any family, we just have each other. I have a couple of friends I see once in a while, DH is quite a hermit introvert so really only sees me. He doesn't (need to) work as he has income from investment so he's home 24/7. I have been lonely for a while (I do volunteer and have hobbies which helps).

But I always assumed we'd have our own family unit and that would fill the gap.

Someone suggested on here when I posted about the pain of infertility that they found getting a dog helped. So after a few months of research and thinking, we bought home a young dog a month ago.

Not one day has been good. It's made my husband stressed, withdrawn, and distant. The dog is a massive handful, we were misled a little about her energy level and issues. Not just one issue but about a dozen. None are easy, quick fixes and a behaviourist has said it'll take at least 6-12 months for improvement. We are not experienced owners and made this clear to the rescue we got her from, so I'm amazed they said she was suitable for us.

The dog bonded with me more than him, I do the majority of the training, feeding etc. I think he's genuinely stressed at the upheaval and change to our quiet lives, but part of me thinks he might be a bit put out because the dog gets a lot of (all) my attention and everything, the whole day, is geared around her needs being met. He's resenting the time and attention she takes, but it's not like he anything else before we got her!

He's barely said a word to me for three days, he's not in a sulk as he's not like that, but he seems so low and depressed. I hate this atmosphere and I feel overwhelmed with his mood, and with the amount of energy and attention the dog needs.

It's not fair on the dog to live in a house with this atmosphere. AIBU to take the dog back to the rescue to find a happier home?

And then I'm considering leaving DH. :( If he's like this with a wee dog, then thank god we're infertile. I can't go back to our lives how they were but I can't continue how they are.

I think it is important for rescues to know about things that have gone wrong when they think they have placed a dog successfully. So yes, I think it is reasonable to look at taking the dog back if it is definitely not working.

Not sure how to help you with the rest, but you are in my thoughts.

She sounds like my dog as a pup. She was sooooooo much hard work and I frequently ended up in tears. You may not have a puppy but you can still have puppy regret. Search new pup threads on here.
She can now be left, walks well on the lead, isn’t destructive and is a bloody joy.
Avoid no. Try a short training session with treats. Get her to do something rather than interrupting her behaviour but without redirection. Have you crate trained? Got a play pen to avoid her getting at stuff she can’t have?
Practice lead walking at home and hire a safe space for a good run?
Change of food? Pro biotic? Mine is better on raw.
Give attention before she demands? Easier said than done I know. Reward for settling? Throw a treat on bed when she settles quietly near you on her bed.
It all depends whether you have the time and energy to put into training and whether you want the dog enough to presevere. Good luck.

A month isn't long really with those issues but I think you know that.

Be honest with each other and decide together whether the dog is too much and will break you or whether you can both find a way to help the dog together.

Btw my DH thought wtf had I done getting a puppy and was upset that it had caused so much upheaval in our life. Several months later he now adores him.

Same here Bitey.

Return the dog. We had a high energy rescue dog with some problems, much more manageable than yours, we kept her and she caused us problems and stress for the first 3-5 years but she was loveable. It was borderline whether we should have returned her. Also DH was on board with the dog. In your case, definitely return the dog now and hopefully the rescue can find a more suitable home, or preferably do more work on the dog's problems before they rehome it.
Then work out your relationship. Good luck.

Take the dog back
Then think about next steps. Sounds like a good counsellor could help you put your thoughts in order then you could develop a plan.
It's not clear (and your business) whether the No adoption/ivf thing is a firm no from you or you as part of the marriage but counselling might help you.

If this is how he is with a new dog how would he be with a baby?! Babies are more noisy and hard work. He sounds more like a cat person to me! I love all animals but prefer cats because they're quiet and non destructive. My FIL came around one evening with a young dog, after an hour I asked him to please take him home. As he constantly barked and jumped at us all and the sofa for the whole time. This was an expensive breed of dog. When they left, my daughters and I had banging headaches. They said that they, "don't want a puppy now! " If the dog is being destructive and noisy, I would think about returning him/her.

I have a rescue sighthound. He took about a year to actually settle properly. It takes a lot of work - totally worth it IMHO, but not for everyone

Unfortunately, this is often the baggage you get with a rescue dog and it takes love and consistency to get over it.

They often have iffy stomachs because of irregular and poor quality food when they were puppies, but that can be sorted fairly easily with smaller meals and raw food.

Oddly, keeping her with you is the answer to separation anxiety not keeping her away. She is frightened you may never come back, as irrational as that sounds when you know you have only gone to the loo. She needs to learn to trust her new life, and needs to learn to trust you.

We had all of this with one of ours and it did take about 18 months to fully get over it (and 18 throw cushions, shoes, boxes of tissues, 8 hairbrushes..) but he is now the light of the household. If you understand her behaviour as coming from a place of fear not naughtiness then it's easier to manage.

She will improve with time but it sounds like your DH needs a similar amount of help for him to improve.

His problem sounds like that of an introvert who has stopped forcing himself to interact with the world, and I think he may need help with that.

I think you have a project you could both get involved with and it could make at least 2 lives better if you do.

I'd get rid of the dog and the DH, he sounds draining.

I'd get yourself some counselling OP, to help sort your thoughts and feelings out.

Maybe in a couple of months most of the dogs issues will settle down now that's shes got a home and family. Not much advice sorry.

@Beautiful3 If this is how he is with a new dog how would he be with a baby?! Babies are more noisy and hard work.

As I said, we're infertile. But thanks.

It sounds as if your DH needs to have treatment for the depression. He needs to either get a job just doing something that interests him, irrespective of the level of pay, or do voluntary work or create his own hobby-type business in order to become motivated and have something to get up for.

If he has no family and has now learnt he is unable to have children, this may be such a severe blow (just as it is to you) and have caused him to spiral into a deep depression.

I can understand him perhaps resenting the dog a little if it has bonded more with you than him when his hopes of having a child have gone out the window. He probably feels very unloved.

You do not sound as if you have bonded with the dog if you are even contemplating returning it so I would agree you should return it.

I am truly shocked that you realise your introvert DH is "so low and depressed" and your answer is to leave him.

You don't sound as if you love the dog or your husband. I wonder if you both need counselling (perhaps separately and together) to come to terms with the loss of the life you wanted to have with children.

If you really plan on leaving your depressed DH then please get him some help first because there is no knowing what may happen if you just leave and he has absolutely no-one and nothing in his life. You owe him that as just a compassionate way to treat any fellow human being.

She's now settling on her bed after 'killing' two cardboard boxes, a squeaky tennis ball and eating a kong with her breakfast kibble, while I clean the floors.

DH has finally forced himself into the shower to have a shave and clean up.

I think he's depressed. No matter how much he says 'I'm not depressed'.

I can't fix him. But maybe I can fix the dog.

One thing jumped out me to me - why is IVF/adoption off the cards? Is it because of true feelings (religious or otherwise) or just inertia from a DH who can't be bothered?

Counselling may be useful for you both to come to terms with your dreams of a family.

^^ I meant the end of your dreams of a family.

I'm a bit shocked they gave you this dog when you've never had one before.

It sounds like you're totally incompatible and should hand her back (sad as it is). It's not fair on the dog when she has so many issues. She needs someone who can handle her and have lots of patience with her.

We had a rescue dog and I loved him to pieces. It took a long time to sort his issues out though. He had extreme separation anxiety (which never went away). He wouldn't walk near busy roads, I had to carry him in my arms back home when we first got him. He wasnt toilet trained either. Pulled on the lead. Lunged at tall men. Hated other dogs.

But we got there in the end. Mostly.

The sleeping thing though is quite extreme. Only in your arms? Can't s/he fall asleep on the bed with you? Or does it really have to be in your arms? If so, that's quite extreme.

The awful thing about returning a rescue because it has problems is that it makes them worse. The dog already has SA: returning it from the home it loves will make that a million times worse.

My first dog had SA. I did a lot of work with him, making him stay downstairs while I went upstairs, coming back down quickly and then rewarding him with a huge fuss, and gradually increasing the time I spent upstairs. Then I moved on to going out the front door, and gradually building up the time I was away. He was a smart dog, and it took about 3-6 months before he felt really secure.

You've only had her a month, that's very early days to get her to settle, especially when she may have had a tough time

My dog was very high energy too, but luckily he was mad for playing fetch, so I could stand in the park with a ball for an hour twice a day and get him knackered. "A tired dog is a happy dog", as the saying goes: you may find that if you can get her good and tired, she'll be a lot calmer.

And mental stimulation is good for them: get one of those toys that you can put dried food in and they have to work out how to get it out may well keep her brain occupied and that will help her calm down.

You haven't said how old she is. Imo (based on a very unscientific samle of the 3 dogs I've brought up from puppies lol), young dogs go through the equivalent of "terrible twos" at around 4-6 months and then teenage rebellion at around a year old. Both of these are phases that soon pass.

She's obviously besotted with you and I think it would be really unkind to give up on her so soon. A month is no time at all to get a rescue dog settled. Lots of love, play, exercise and a good diet will go a long way to helping.

You can't fix your DH but you can help. Please get him to see his GP again as often depressed people can lose insight and not realise they are depressed. If the GP has thought of ME/CFS too then I would say he is definitely depressed as mental and physical exhaustion is a symptom of depression. The good news is he is still showering and shaving.

I have a close relative who is being treated for depression who sleeps for 20 hours per day and doesn't shower, shave etc for months on end. Don't let it get that bad before your DH gets help for depression.

I think you made a mistake in getting a rescue dog as an inexperienced owner. Rescue dogs need experienced owners. Respect to you though if you do want to persevere. Please persevere in getting your DH help too though.

Def take the dog back.Nobody (including) dog is happy like this. Then deal with DH problem when you have some calm and quiet.

Your DH def sounds depressed - does he come out with you on walks ?

What's he interested in ? Can you encourage him to join in with anything ?

I’ve had a quick scan through the thread but can’t find anything about what breed your dog is? Apologies if you’ve mentioned this. Also age of dog?

You’re getting a lot of replies here from people who clearly have a lot of interest in dogs, so they are a bit biased. If I understand rightly, you weren’t a huge dog enthusiast before but got one to see if it would make your life with your husband fuller. It clearly has done the opposite so don’t feel a moment’s shame in re-homing it. Even if your husband had been on board it sounds like a nightmare.

Get things back to square one and try to get to the root of your marriage difficulties without this extra headache to cloud the issue.

Any reason why you don’t do paid work?
And is the fertility issue with him, i.e. could you have a family if you had a different partner?

Your dog sounds like one of mine and it can be hard work!
You are aware of your relationship issues and they need dealing with or you'll end up as insular as your h which would be awful. Re the dog, I hate when people take them back like unwanted toys due to normal dog beh such as toilet training etc - this dog is far more than that and the rescue shouldn't have palmed her off on you as novice dog owners! Equally she's prob not that different to a demanding baby so you're right that a baby with your h might not have worked out well either 😐
Don't feel guilty about returning her - although perhaps look into a different rescue (that might be more scrupulous about where they home her..)
Good luck