To make him wait.

[Northernsoulgirl45]

So dh has been ill and has needed quite alot of support from me. We have 3 dc also.
I have been run ragged keeping things going at home and taking dh to his many appointments and work etc. Also helping with dressing and doing all the cooking etc etc.
Thankfully I only work part time. As a result I have missed out on leisure time eg gym etc.
Anyway dh has been in hospital since Friday following a planned op. He believes he will be discharged on Monday.
Today I said that he may need to wait till PM for collection as I had a group to attend and also wanted to go on a planned walk.
He wanted me to attend earlier group but I pointed out that I had also planned a walk as I desperately need some self care/ me time.
His response was so you ard going to leave me at hospital when I can be at home .....
Aibu to think that he was unfair to guilt trip me or aibu to potentially keep him waiting to attend mv group/health walk.

Branleuse - it’s not subservient or slave like to pick your post-op husband from the hospital when he’s been discharged. I’m sure he’d much rather be at home then sat in the discharge lounge (even if they do have comfy chairs). He’s not demanding to be picked up from the pub.

@Branleuse The other stuff being a WALK!!
She’s so run ragged that she is missing out on her leisure time and the gym!!

If it was the other way round and op had said her dh was leaving her in hospital while he went a walk would you be sticking up for him??
NO, you’d be calling him to the dogs!!
Doesn’t matter with the hospital staff being run ragged, trying to get patients into discharge lounge etc., while trying to find beds for other patients either, does it??

Yes there is a discharge lounge, but it doesn’t have unlimited spaces. In case you are unaware, there is often a wait to get in them, so although it does help, if there aren’t spaces then the patient stays in the ward. The beds aren’t available until the patient leaves the ward and cleaning etc. takes place.

Guess what happens if there isn’t a bed available in a surgical ward??? The operation can be cancelled, as happened with my son!!
But I presume you are okay with that? Doesn’t matter about the person who is waiting for that bed, does it??
Same with A&E, their patients can’t go to a ward until there is a bed available!!
Again, that doesn’t matter though, does it. As long as op, and others like that, get their walk!!

Presume you would be quite happy, when you (or family member) have their operation cancelled, or are left on a trolley, in a corridor because there isn’t a bed for them, because people like op are having a walk??

It is selfish and irresponsible to abuse NHS resources, but as long as op gets her walk.........

Id say NHS "looking after" people while they are waiting to be discharged is probably quite a stretch, when usually that means they are just waiting around doing nothing for hours and hours for someone to come and do the paperwork. Often not even in their bed at that point. If hes discharged, he could always wait in the lobby or cafe

My DH was discharged with 30 minute notice after a major op (3 days before they initially said). We live an hour away

When I arrived he had been walked down by the ward staff and sat in the entrance hall of Costa Coffee. No staying in the ward. He was drugged, stapled, bleeding, and still in partially his pjs. He couldn't move as he wasn't allowed to lift anything and he had his bag with him. I was shocked when I saw him.

So, I would put collecting him above other stuff as it wasn't a nice wait and sitting there for hours would be grim.

I work fulltime, have 2 kids and a husband with health problems. We get no help from our families. I get me time every 6 months or so.
I understand you're frazzled but this would be exceptionally harsh to leave him there unless you have to do the school run.

youre all being very dramatic. This is a carer and the walk is a carers event that she has booked and looked forward to and wants to go to. Yes, she has missed out on all her other self care time because of caring responsibilities and holding the fort. It is perfectly normal for people to not have a waiting person ready on the dot, and chances are, if she cancelled all her stuff then they would be waiting around for a doctor to sign it all off for hours anyway.
NHS is perfectly fine with making people wait around forever no matter what. I understand they are stretched and I wouldnt complain, but also with that, you have to expect that sometimes other people have lives too. If this is a specific carers walk, to support carers, then I think its pretty clear that this is a long term thing. It is important that carers look after themselves and get support because its bloody thankless, as you can tell from this thread.

and yes, id say the same if the sexes were reversed in a long term caring situation. Why wouldnt I. Too many relationships where one partner becomes a carer break down because the carer does not put themselves first ever. They then break down. Have a bit of compassion for the carer will you

My DH texted me in the middle of an annual very important work meeting to ask me if I could collect him from good after an operation.

Asked him to wait an hour, and he just decided to persuade the hospital staff it was fine for him to get the bus home.

I felt terrible but thought that asking him to wait an hour was reasonable given the circs.

He wasn't grumpy about it though. Just wanted to go home. I get that. But I think I would have probably just waited if it were me 🤷🏻‍♀️

(Hosp not good!)

Of course im not ok with the NHS cuts and what is happening to it. Its awful. That should not all be put on one carer who might be an hour late because she wants to go to her support group

@Branleuse Of course im not ok with the NHS cuts and what is happening to it. Its awful. That should not all be put on one carer who might be an hour late because she wants to go to her support group

It’s not just putting it all on one carer! What if everyone was selfish and thought the same as op, that they can do their own thing, while their relative is looked after in hospital?

It’s everyone’s responsibility to do their bit when they can. There is limited funding and NHS resources need to be utilised as efficiently as possible! Leaving your dh in hospital, while you go to groups or on walks, is not okay!!

I’m NHS and am fully aware of the stresses it is under. I’m still appalled by the attitudes shown to carers on this thread.

I agree with a PP a few pages back - there is a hell of a lot of projection from some posters on this thread.

Based on the information given by the OP, it's obvious to most reasonable people that picking up DH from hospital should be the priority. But no, apparently anyone who thinks OP is BU is a horrible monster with no empathy and wants to shit all over carers. Ignoring the fact that many carers have posted here to say OP is BU.

Also it is important to mention that OP will get her group walk, she's annoyed that she might not also get to do a meeting afterwards.

youre all being very dramatic. This is a carer and the walk is a carers event that she has booked and looked forward to and wants to go to. Yes, she has missed out on all her other self care time because of caring responsibilities and holding the fort.

Yes. I'm wondering how people on here feel about anyone who, like my dad, doesn't drive and wouldn't be picking anyone up anyway. It's all a bit holier than thou with dropping everything to get patients out of hospitals with added guilt tripping about the fate of the NHS.

I'm wondering how people on here feel about anyone who, like my dad, doesn't drive and wouldn't be picking anyone up anyway.

When I had surgery, my DP wasn't driving at the time. He took time off work, got a bus in and brought me home in a taxi. I was on some very strong medication and wasn't allowed home on my own. I'd do the same for him. It's normal to do these things for the people you love.

This thread gets worse and worse. The NHS and social care are absolutely dependent on unpaid carers, both short and, even more so, long term. They need to be supported and valued and entitled to respite, not beaten with a stick.

You deff need some time to relax and do what you need to do. He can wait- he's in a safe place. You really need some time. I've looked after my FIL- there were about 8 of us plus nurses and It was still so emotionally and physically draining. Look after yourself xx

OP you really can't pour from an empty cup. Your DH will need to realise this too.

If you can, and he's not waiting around for hours and hours do both your events.

Do you have a friend that doesn't work that day? I would be happy to help if you were my friend. I think all too often we take it upon ourselves when we need to ask our support system.

They need to be supported and valued and entitled to respite, not beaten with a stick.

Absolutely agree with that. Still think it would be really unreasonable not to pick him up.

Absolutely agree with that. Still think it would be really unreasonable not to pick him up.

Indeed. Nobody is saying carers don't deserve more support in general, of course they do. People are commenting on the OP's issue tomorrow.

I also don’t necessarily think the OP is unreasonable then, to comment specifically on that. There is not enough information to decide.

Threads are read by lots of people though and if there are carers reading this thread then it has the potential to make them upset. To me it is part of a wider issue of how undervalued caring is.

YANBU OP. If it’s that the many appointments and OP is run ragged and up all night with a distressed child, then a taxi should be considered.

So I am home from 2nd lot of visiting and feeling stronger I decided to look at thread.
Someone asked earlier how long has the illness bern going on.
Wel he hasl probably been ill for the last 6 years. Initially it didn't really impact much on family life. Although at that stage he was working further away so I suppose I have always been solo during the week.
Probably for the 3 or so years I have continued to take over in the evenings as there was a decline. Dh would arrive home from work eat his meal and spend the evening resting on the bed.
A steeper decline occurred from about the beginning of October. Slowly but surely I have had to take on more caring duties such as helping this dressing, medication, etc etc. I have also taken over driving.
The last week has been hell for the ehoke famiky really due to a flare. Dd3 is not a good sleeper and dh has needed help in the middle of the night lots so I guess I was at a point of exhaustion.
In terms of eecovery I thibk it will bs at least a year before we get some normality back.
Anyway I suppose the whole thing was a communication fail. I never would have left him for hours so I could do walk and group. Instead I would have done the walk and popped into group only staying fof the full hour and a half if I wasn't required.
I guess i reacted to dh immediately saying well go to earlier group when it clashed with the bi monthly walk i really needed to do.
I explained all this today and I think the air has been cleared.

Glad you are feeling a bit better OP. Please know that lots of people, some NHS staff included , do try (I realise we never really can unless we are there too) to understand .

Thank you to those who have shown support also. It means alot.

I never would have left him for hours so I could do walk and group. Instead I would have done the walk and popped into group only staying fof the full hour and a half if I wasn't required.
I guess i reacted to dh immediately saying well go to earlier group when it clashed with the bi monthly walk i really needed to do.

That's absolutely fair enough and apologies for criticising you earlier. I didn't see it that way until you posted that.