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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make him wait.

237 replies

Northernsoulgirl45 · 16/06/2019 01:09

So dh has been ill and has needed quite alot of support from me. We have 3 dc also.
I have been run ragged keeping things going at home and taking dh to his many appointments and work etc. Also helping with dressing and doing all the cooking etc etc.
Thankfully I only work part time. As a result I have missed out on leisure time eg gym etc.
Anyway dh has been in hospital since Friday following a planned op. He believes he will be discharged on Monday.
Today I said that he may need to wait till PM for collection as I had a group to attend and also wanted to go on a planned walk.
He wanted me to attend earlier group but I pointed out that I had also planned a walk as I desperately need some self care/ me time.
His response was so you ard going to leave me at hospital when I can be at home .....
Aibu to think that he was unfair to guilt trip me or aibu to potentially keep him waiting to attend mv group/health walk.

OP posts:
TheInvisibleMrsCrane · 16/06/2019 12:06

It shocks me Betty that you can’t see that sometimes you have to prioritise someone else over yourself.

Nobody is saying that the OP can never go again, just that on this occasion she may have to give it miss depending on time of discharge.

TheInvisibleMrsCrane · 16/06/2019 12:09

Betty I have no desire to debate this with you - the reality is if there is nobody else to help, you have to just get on and do it.

BettysLeftTentacle · 16/06/2019 12:21

she may have to give it miss depending on time of discharge.

She knows this. She was just voicing her thoughts and you and others jump on to tell her how selfish, unreasonable and what a horrible woman she is. The lack of compassion and empathy, which every single poster on this thread will need at some point in their lives, is astounding. A completely OTT reaction to make others feel better about themselves. Grim.

Shequakes · 16/06/2019 12:25

It doesnt require the OP to cancel anything.

Just be amenable to being available if it's at that time.

Caring for someone is hard. But really saying 'yes I have plans but if I need to leave a bit early' wouldnt have killed her.

Runmoreorless · 16/06/2019 12:25

I do understand your need for me time but I'd be devastated if DH left me languishing (yes, but I that's how I'd see it too) in hospital to go out for a walk.

If possible get out afterwards but you have to collect him as soon as he's ready to leave imo

TanMateix · 16/06/2019 12:31

Boost hell, there is selfish and there is selfish.... YABVU!

TanMateix · 16/06/2019 12:32

This phone of mine... so prude... autocorrecting “bloody” to “boost”... WTF?

Grumpyyetgorgeous · 16/06/2019 12:34

OP in case you are still reading I have reported this thread and really would advise for you to ask for it to be deleted (unless of course you are happy for it to remain). The lack of compassion for carers on here is not surprising. It is sadly typical of how they are treated in real life. It’s entirely possible he won’t be ready to go anyway.

This is a very sad thread, the sheer nastiness and lack of empathy for somebody struggling with a heavy load is just shocking.

Hadjab · 16/06/2019 12:43

@differentnameforthis

Sometimes you have to understand that you cannot always be first in life

Precisely what the majority of posters in this thread have been saying to OP....

Branleuse · 16/06/2019 13:06

I think youre already doing a lot, and you should pick him up when youre ready to. Youre not his servant, and you are already doing a lot of his caring. Youre offering to collect him, but youve got a couple of prior arrangements which are important to you, and if he doesnt like it to the extent he would actually be arsey with you maybe he can find another mug. Youre doing a lot already, and self care is not optional. Its necessary

Playmytune · 16/06/2019 13:18

YABVVU. Can’t believe you would leave your husband in hospital so that you can go for a walk!
Our local hospital normally discharges before lunchtime and notices are put up requesting that patients are collected before then. However you think it is fine that you leave him there, not for any emergency, but to go for a walk!!
The NHS is hard pushed as it is, without you deciding to leave him in there for longer than necessary!

Yes, I get it that you are tired, after all you have missed out on gym and leisure time! Poor you!!
Your husband hasn’t been well, it’s not his fault that you have had to do more!! I’m sure it will help his recovery knowing just how little he means to you, in comparison to your “leisure time!”

And, yes I’ve been in your position, but with 4 children of pre and primary school age! However, I did everything I could for him, including picking him up from hospital when he was ready to be discharged!

You are being VERY selfish!

Playmytune · 16/06/2019 13:29

Branleuse you think the Op should just leave her husband in hospital till she is ready to collect him!
Do you think the NHS has nothing else to do, apart from looking after people who are fit for discharge, so that their partners can carry on with their social life?
Hopefully they will have bed space and not be too busy if you, or your family, need hospital care!!!

Isatis · 16/06/2019 13:33

Playmytune, how about reading the thread? People waiting for discharge from hospitals don't take up bedspace, they have a discharge area where people can wait for letters/medication etc and to be collected.

Isatis · 16/06/2019 13:36

What about the person waiting to occupy his bed ?

What about them? Nothing to stop them getting in it if he's packed up and sitting in the discharge lounge waiting for his meds etc.

Roussette · 16/06/2019 13:36

Not strictly true Isatis. I have just collected my DH from hospital. They didn't send him down to discharge until they knew I was on the way so he would've been taking up bed space if I hadn't come to get him.

I think it is relevant as to whether the OP's DH is long term ill or whether it is something he can and will be recovering from. i.e. is she a long term carer?

Roussette · 16/06/2019 13:39

Again Isatis it doesn't work like that. The area has to be cleaned, disinfected and the bed and area prepared for the new arrival. My DH had to wait a week to get on to the neurological ward. Any delay by someone not being sent to discharge because there is no one to collect them really matters.

Runmoreorless · 16/06/2019 13:45

I've only been in hospital when I had DSs but I had to wait while DH got home from work after being discharged. They didn't kick me out of the bed until we were ready to leave.

Playmytune · 16/06/2019 15:37

@Isatis...... “Playmytune, how about reading the thread? People waiting for discharge from hospitals don't take up bedspace, they have a discharge area where people can wait for letters/medication etc and to be collected.”

I have read it! I have worked in a discharge lounge!
You obviously don’t think a discharge lounge has any staff and can take any number of patients??? Oh, yes and the patients there don’t get fed or have drinks provided!! This all works like magic, does it??*

How about you look at the actual way they work? They are provided for patients to wait in whilst their medication and discharge paperwork is sorted out, NOT to look after patients whilst the person who is coming to collect them goes for a walk!!

Do you really think that using it so someone can have leisure time and go for walks, instead of collecting their relative, is an appropriate use of NHS funds? Apart from that, don’t you think that the patient is much more comfortable at home, rather than being left there, because their relative thinks that her leisure experience time is so much more important than NHS resources?

Branleuse · 16/06/2019 16:23

@playmytune yes I bloody well do. Sounds to me like shes already run ragged. You be a martyr all you like but you dont need to guilt trip someone else into it. She hasnt said she wont pick him up, just that shes got some other stuff she wants to do first.
What would he do if she wasnt around? If she had burn out and left him?
Hes not a child and he will be safe, and it probably wouldnt be that long anyway.
My god, carers really do get a shit time

Branleuse · 16/06/2019 16:31

Has he got any family who can get him?

Branleuse · 16/06/2019 16:33

Id say NHS "looking after" people while they are waiting to be discharged is probably quite a stretch, when usually that means they are just waiting around doing nothing for hours and hours for someone to come and do the paperwork. Often not even in their bed at that point.
If hes discharged, he could always wait in the lobby or cafe

floraloctopus · 16/06/2019 17:04

Has he got any family who can get him?

Yes. He's got a wife.

Branleuse · 16/06/2019 17:05

well she said she would get him already once shes done her things she needs to do. Thankfully wife doesnt equal slave anymore.
If thats not quite quick or subservient enough for everyone else, hopefully maybe some of his other family could step in, or maybe theyre all fed up with the demands too

floraloctopus · 16/06/2019 17:08

Caring about somebody enough to get them from hospital isn't being subservient. If a woman came on here and posted that she had been in hospital for an operation and her husband was going to the pub with some friends instead of collecting her then there would be a chorus of LTBs.

Singlenotsingle · 16/06/2019 17:09

He believes they will let him go home on Monday. He doesn't know it. They might not. And tbh, the patient is usually kept hanging around anyway. Waiting for the consultant, waiting for prescriptions, and then waiting for the pharmacy to dispense the meds.