To make him wait.

[Northernsoulgirl45]

So dh has been ill and has needed quite alot of support from me. We have 3 dc also.
I have been run ragged keeping things going at home and taking dh to his many appointments and work etc. Also helping with dressing and doing all the cooking etc etc.
Thankfully I only work part time. As a result I have missed out on leisure time eg gym etc.
Anyway dh has been in hospital since Friday following a planned op. He believes he will be discharged on Monday.
Today I said that he may need to wait till PM for collection as I had a group to attend and also wanted to go on a planned walk.
He wanted me to attend earlier group but I pointed out that I had also planned a walk as I desperately need some self care/ me time.
His response was so you ard going to leave me at hospital when I can be at home .....
Aibu to think that he was unfair to guilt trip me or aibu to potentially keep him waiting to attend mv group/health walk.

SleepingStandingUp

Who said the OP is unimportant?

What people are saying is that a spouse who needs to be picked up from hospital post surgery takes priority over a walk. Would have thought that's blindingly obvious.

I think you are right to play it by ear on the day.

I am sorry so many people on here have been nasty to you. Your feeling of being on the floor is palpable. I hope you can fit your walk and meeting into the day and that you have been able to recharge a bit this weekend.

It is highly likely that it will take a while for his discharge to be completed and his meds to be ready so you have a chance.

Best of luck for the near future .

op is clearly saying she's run ragged and sounds overwhelmed. She's had no time for herself and feels this is something she needs. The idea that he should leave her, that their marriage is fucked etc if she DARES prioritise her mental needs over his wish to be home quicker isnt about who is a priority, it's about op not nattering. Who cares if your exhausted and struggling to cope. Who cares if you feel you need these few hours to yourself in order to keep on caring for your DH and the kids. She isn't leaving DH out in the cold or telling him to cal her on Wednesday when she gets back from her girlie holiday. She's asking him to wait POSSIBLY a few hours, possibly less, so she can make sure she's in the best position to continue caring for him.

Her post doesn't suggest he's gone in for a one off op and is all fine and well now, it sounds like it been and will be ongoing. Otherwise he could jump in a taxi home.

I think you’re getting a hard time here very unfairly OP.

I’ve been there, a DH in hospital texting and calling, worrying about him, missing him, having to be there for ward rounds, being there for visiting, kids to look after and manage, work to go to, managing family and friends wanting updates. I was run ragged, stressed, tired and it was definitely one of the worst times of my life.

I don’t know what to suggest. He was BU for the way piled on the guilt, that was unfair. I suspect you know that when he gets home then the real hard work starts because you’ll have to care for him and need time to get yourself together before then. In many respects it’s easier when they’re in hospital because they’re safe and being looked after. If discharge happens tomorrow, I probably wouldn’t expect it to be until the afternoon either, especially on a Monday.

Have you got arrangements in place so that you can get some time out once he’s discharged? For now, I think I’d probably keep plans open ended and work things round the hospital but I think I’d be sorely tempted to have a word once home and explain how hard it’s been for you too and that you’re just about keeping your head above water and running the risk of getting unwell yourself. It doesn’t have to be an argument, I’m sure it’s hard for him to see the bigger picture from his hospital bed.

Your husband is in hospital. Your self-care can wait until he leaves the hospital, or find someone else to pick him up. I just spent three days and nights with someone in hospital - I don't think you realise how horrible it is for someone to be stuck in there as a patient, you are absolutely desperate to get home.

You are being extremely unreasonable.

For christ sake he's your husband, go and pick him up!

priority over a walk because it so clearly isn't about op going for a wander round the local park on her own looking at daisies. It's an organised walk recommended by the carers charity, suggesting it's an opportunity as well for her to talk and connect with other carers. She can't just reschedule it to suit her.

he is highly unlikely to be released am - he has to see Dr and then any meds need to be sorted - you will be lucky to get out before 4pm. I would say I will collect you when you phone as soon as you are released and have meds etc. I will be busy looking after you once home so let me have this hour or whatever for a walk. Yes Hospital is miserable but fgs things sometimes have to fit round having some sort of life

If the walk is first thing then you'll definitely be able to go on it regardless.

And probably the group thing.

I think your mistake was even having a conversation with him about it. Only opens a can of worms which is completely unnecessary.

I'm a nurse and agree chances are he won't be discharged till afternoon in which case all this drama is for nothing.

Next time tell him to ring you with a discharge time when he gets it. (Or ring the ward and ask for his nurse if you think he'll lie) Keep your mouth shut and just do your own thing until then!

YABU
Who wants to be in hospital when they don't have to be?

It's an organised walk recommended by the carers charity.

It still comes second to a spouse being discharged post-surgery.

Anyway from the OP's update it's clear that she will be able to do the walk if she wishes, as it's first thing in the morning. It's the meeting afterwards that would make OP unavailable until the afternoon. So it's not like she's not getting any self care, she's just potentially not getting to do both things.

Ok final update. Walk is 9.30 to 10.30 and should be done and dusted before ward rounds and hypothetical discharge. At the moment this is more important for my physical and mental health than the regular group. So I guess that us why my immediate response was that I didn't want to go to earlier group. HoweverI fully accept that I can leave 11am meeting early if I get a call. So this is what I will do.
I have apologised to dh and will try and make sure he has a good Fathers Day.
Probably going to hide this thread now.

Thank you and goodbye.

to be honest if my H was in hospital and waiting to come home HAVING NOT YET BEEN OFFICIALLY DISCHARGED and I told him what was planned he would say oh yes do that then pop in after with xyz if you can and then if I am not coming home today its no matter, but if I am you can bring me home then.

He also cares for me and would understand that I needed that bit of time. I have both parents unwell - one with 4 to 6 mths liver and heart failure the other with dementia and having had a major op around 3 weeks ago and still recovering its demanding to say the least so I do know what it is like and you have to grab your me moments - we are talking a matter of a couple of hrs.

In the scheme of things it won't make alot of difference to people wanting beds - as its not just bed resource thats the issue in their treatment and anyway they would go to a med obs ward likely first anyway before moving on - even in smaller hospitals then moving on happens after Dr rounds, when if ops DH is for out they have paperwork to fill, meds to sort and once pwk done off to waiting lounge for meds. Its warm, cosy and drinks and care available for an hour or so which it seems is what we are talking about - he will be waiting meds longer than that

I’m sorry you’ve had such judgemental responses OP. Context and experience is everything and this escapes a large percentage of posters on AIBU a lot of the time. What these people seem to have completely missed is that this isn’t a one off, which is hard enough but you are his carer. It’s sad to see that despite the numerous awareness drives about carers and how important it is that they are supported, people still have no clue.

I hope there’s easier times to come for you all

OP in case you are still reading I have reported this thread and really would advise for you to ask for it to be deleted (unless of course you are happy for it to remain). The lack of compassion for carers on here is not surprising. It is sadly typical of how they are treated in real life. It’s entirely possible he won’t be ready to go anyway.

Has everyone missed that the op wants to go on an organised, group health-walk, not “just” a stroll in the park or even a solo hike. Often prescribed by the family gp. Recommended for mental and physical health, not just for the pleasure of walking.
She can’t just go when her husband is settled, it’s only available when the leader provides it and the group informed.

It’s nothing to do with context Betty - we’ve had an horrific year. Husband well one day and diagnosed with leukaemia the next. I’ve had to balance the children, working and doing everything at home over my own needs for the last 6 months - it’s tough and I’m knackered and stressed, but it’s not about me. My DH is responding well now and doing a lot more. It would never have even crossed my mind to prioritise a group or walk over picking him up from the hospital.

I think YABU, being in hospital is horrible and it's far better to come home as soon as he's able to. I cannot think of a reason I wouldn't want to pick up my DP and bring him home immediately!

Oops sorry, for some reason my phone hid the last few pages. ( hate to admit I didn’t rtft so ashamed)

That’s you @TheInvisibleMrsCrane. Your experience has nothing to do with the OPs. There’s no medals in martyrdom, just a hiding to nothing. You understand how difficult it is, are you so devoid of empathy that you can’t possibly see that someone else might need to deal with it in a different way to you? Imagine putting your horrific time on here and getting a shit ton of judgemental feedback on how you are coping. If anything, you should know better.

If this thread made you realise how unkind you were and led you to apologise to your OH, then at least that's one good thing that comes out of mn today.

It’s not being a martyr Betty - it’s just getting on with what needs to be done - there is no other option. Sometime things you want to do just need to give - the walk and group will still be there next week.

Again, that’s all about you and your experience @TheInvisibleMrsCrane. It’s different for the OP, her experience is different, she is a different person, how she is able to cope is entirely to do with her. You don’t know her full circumstances, you ‘know’ a tiny snapshot of her life. It’s not really a hard concept hard to grasp. It shocks me that your first response would be to shout down another person that’s experiencing similar hardship to you and clearly struggling.

And frankly this:

it’s just getting on with what needs to be done - there is no other option. Sometime things you want to do just need to give - the walk and group will still be there next week.

Is all about being a martyr. Well done you, you’re coping brilliantly by what you’ve said, others aren’t and you can’t expect them to be exactly like your perfect self. Attitudes like yours makes it really very very hard to seek help because people like you expect you to ‘just get on with it’ and if you find that hard, you get called selfish.