Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

To make him wait.

237 replies

Northernsoulgirl45 · 16/06/2019 01:09

So dh has been ill and has needed quite alot of support from me. We have 3 dc also.
I have been run ragged keeping things going at home and taking dh to his many appointments and work etc. Also helping with dressing and doing all the cooking etc etc.
Thankfully I only work part time. As a result I have missed out on leisure time eg gym etc.
Anyway dh has been in hospital since Friday following a planned op. He believes he will be discharged on Monday.
Today I said that he may need to wait till PM for collection as I had a group to attend and also wanted to go on a planned walk.
He wanted me to attend earlier group but I pointed out that I had also planned a walk as I desperately need some self care/ me time.
His response was so you ard going to leave me at hospital when I can be at home .....
Aibu to think that he was unfair to guilt trip me or aibu to potentially keep him waiting to attend mv group/health walk.

OP posts:

diddl · 16/06/2019 08:28

If he was discharged after the group that you go to & you waited until after the walk, how much longer would you be there?

What about what you have done & not what you're thinking of not doing?

diddl · 16/06/2019 08:29

Sorry, that should be how much longer would he be there?

CountFosco · 16/06/2019 08:31

What an awful pile on on this thread.

I have spent too many days of my life in hospital waiting for DS to be discharged. You could cancel all your plans then end up sitting in hospital with him waiting and waiting and waiting for discharge. Do your day as planned, get him to contact you when he's been discharged, then pick him up. Or, as a PP said, is there anyone who could pick him up for you?

Bringbackthestripes · 16/06/2019 08:34

they tend to transfer to a discharge lounge so no bed blocking

So you expect him, post op, to sit around knackered and in pain in an uncomfortable chair for hours just so you can go for a walk?

I get you are run ragged, my DH was in hospital for seven weeks at one point after an op and I was doing it all for months before he got his op BUT you need to pick him up ASAP once he is discharged, very unfair to make him wait. Having had an op myself recently I was grateful I only had to sit in the lounge for 30 mins waiting for meds. I had had hardly any sleep for the 2 nights I was in, I was in pain and I just wanted to lie down in a quiet room on a comfortable bed. If DH had said I would have to wait because he needed some “me time” I would be furious.

Fairylea · 16/06/2019 08:36

I assumed that op was saying that she would make dh wait till the afternoon even if he was literally ready to go in the morning. That’s different to everyone suggesting he doesn’t know if he’s actually going home / discharged or not, isn’t it?

Plenty of people on the thread who are saying op is being unreasonable will have had experience of how hospitals work. Just because they think she’s being unreasonable doesn’t mean they don’t!

I’ve just spent 6 months being a carer for my mum through terminal bowel cancer, she died in March, going through days of waiting for hospital discharge etc etc and ambulance transfers to hospice etc. I’ve also got chronic health issues myself and a disabled child. In some ways I think knowing how miserable hospital is makes me feel op is being even more unreasonable than other people. It’s a lonely place to be.

Thequaffle · 16/06/2019 08:36

YABVU and selfish. Your walk / exercise is not more important than him getting picked up after surgery. I’m actually horrified.

swingofthings · 16/06/2019 08:37

All we have to by is that OP feels a desperate need for relaxation time, and that she normally gets it. It can be assumed that as childcare is not an issue tomorrow, her kids are in school in nursery.

If indeed OP has time for herself every Mondays and maybe missed the last one, then it is utterly shocking. If OP has 5 children, 3 of them under 5, and this walk is a one off special occasion planned months ago, it would be a bit more understanding but goimg on the information in the OP, it the situation seems more likely to be the former than the latter.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 16/06/2019 08:38

'Go to your group and your walk OP. And remember that it’s ok to put yourself first occasionally.'

Yes it is. Perhaps when your husband is being discharged from hospital after surgery is not that occasion though.

Original poster

Northernsoulgirl45 · 16/06/2019 08:38

Wow that moved on. Will have a full read when fully awake.
I accept iabu based on this one conversation.
However maybe this is a reaction to months of stress. and thiniking back years of selfishness on dhs part.Yes this will be seen as a drip feed but didn't want op to be an essay.
Anyway just been woken up by a message from dh asking me to bring more stuff in and moaning about how little sleep he had so I think the sooner he is home the better.
Of course he had no idea I was up late dealing with a distressed child.

OP posts:

EleanorReally · 16/06/2019 08:40

you are being very unkind to you dh and very self centred.

jollyohh · 16/06/2019 08:43

I would go and get him to call you when ready.

Having discharged hundreds of patients over the years it takes forever. Get him to call once he is literally ready to go, medication and all.

PanteneProV · 16/06/2019 08:43

I feel terribly sorry for you but I think you are being unreasonable. Hospital is so awful, and if it were me I would feel terribly let down if I were left there for hours longer than necessary to accommodate a walk.

You definitely do need me time and you and your DH need to find ways of building it in to your lives, but for this I think you need to get him home as soon aa you can.

Sakura7 · 16/06/2019 08:47

To the people defending the OP by talking about how important self care is and how carers are under a lot of stress, yes that's true. However, to prioritise a walk on the day your husband is discharged is extremely selfish, and if the tables were turned everyone would be up in arms at the idea of a woman being left waiting in the hospital for her husband.

It's one day where you have a be a bit flexible about when you have your walk. Either do it in the morning before he would be discharged, or after he's home and settled.

A loving, caring partner doesn't behave like this.

BitchPeas · 16/06/2019 08:47

I don’t think you are wrong here. It would be an extra hour or 2 not an extra 3-4 weeks. You need to put your own oxygen mask on first!

I think some posters are enjoying giving you a good kicking so they can feel morally superior. Ignore them.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/06/2019 08:48

I get it OP.

This is about the one time your DH needs you, you going off to sit in the park for a bit of fun. It sounds likely its a rare moment of you time amongst months of having to care for every one, balance the kids and dh's needs, have every one reliant on you and pulling you in different directions. You aren't sharing this with DH because he's also on your to-do list and this won't magoy change cos he's home, it'll just be different expectations on your to run around after him.

If the group walk isn't something youre integral to, I'd tell him to CL you when you're ready. Go to the earlier group, go for a coffee between group and walk and go in walk. If he's actually discharged (not sat around waiting 6 hours for medication) then go and get him.

Do you have any support from family? Is he well enough to be home alone?

Original poster

Northernsoulgirl45 · 16/06/2019 08:48

I have missed the last couple of groups due to appointments for dh or dd which I still pay for whether I go or not.
The walk was a new thing that I agreed to do before thd surgery date was moved.
Yes youngest is in reception so. I don't have a childcare issue but had wanted to squeeze it in before I have to squeeze work in around everything else.
Will play it my ear on the day.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 16/06/2019 08:49

It's one day where you have a be a bit flexible about when you have your walk I suspect op knows once he's home she won't get any flexibility or time out, and thst she'll be expected to be home

differentnameforthis · 16/06/2019 08:59

@ Rex Sun It isn't oxygen, it's relaxation When you are a carer it is very much oxygen, believe me.

@ notsohippychick I get so frustrated by people like you who as you don’t know how lucky you are. Your situation is temporary Temporary or not, while you are in it it can be all consuming and very difficult. I get frustrated with people who think they know everyone's situation, and those - like you - who think they somehow have the monopoly on "hardship" by citing crap like you just did.

@Sakura7 and if the tables were turned everyone would be up in arms at the idea of a woman being left waiting in the hospital for her husband Nope, not everyone! You don't speak for me.

When I was sterilized I had to wait to be picked up due to discharge time. Then I had to go and stand in the pharmacy (not the hospital one as it was closed by this time) for my pain meds. I was in a hell of a lot of pain, but knew that other things needed to happen before I could be collected. One of the reasons being was the my baby was in bed, and a friend needed to actually pick me up as dh couldn't leave the house.

Sometimes you have to understand that you cannot always be first in life.

Some of the replies on here have been nothing but nasty and judgemental.

smallereveryday · 16/06/2019 08:59

You remind me of a dreadful couple I used to know, whose relationship was defined by ensuring neither one got 'more down time than the other' ...literally this would be the conversation ;

Her : baby's done a poo, nappy needs changing. It's your turn.
Him : No, I did the last one and I made the tea this morning.
Her ; I fed baby breakfast. It's your turn. I also put the bins out. 'You also owe me 45 minutes as you were late back from work.' ....

The ENTIRE time they were together was a ready reckoner of 'how much ME time' each had been done out of. It was absolutely hideous. Marriage is meant to be team work not a bloody score sheet of 'who owes who'. ! If he has been a selfish twat then tell me at the time and do something about it. Don't wait until he is unwell to get your own back. That's just shitty behaviour.

Sakura7 · 16/06/2019 09:00

I suspect op knows once he's home she won't get any flexibility or time out, and thst she'll be expected to be home

I don't see why her DH wouldn't be ok for an hour on his own. Hardly needs intensive round the clock care.

Also, as a PP pointed out, this situation is temporary.

Original poster

Northernsoulgirl45 · 16/06/2019 09:01

He is assuming he will be home on Monday but no it hasn't been agreed yet. It depends on how things go.Aagain it could be morning or it could be evening.
I will tell him today to ring me just before he is ready. Although based on last two admission he wasn't ready when I came as I still had to help him dress so maybe discharge lounge won't be an option.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 16/06/2019 09:03

@smallereveryday You made that comparison going by one post about one moment in the op's life? That's laughbale, you have NO idea what op's life is like save this one tiny snapshot.

Stop judging.

differentnameforthis · 16/06/2019 09:03

laughable*

differentnameforthis · 16/06/2019 09:05

@Sakura7 I don't see why her DH wouldn't be ok for an hour on his own. Hardly needs intensive round the clock care

And you know that, how?? You have no idea what he he needs. You are just trying to justify making the op feel like shit for putting herself first for a hour or two.

thedancingbear · 16/06/2019 09:05

My god. If I were your husband, i’d LTB. The relationship is clearly fucked if you care this little about his wellbeing.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread