To make him wait.

[Northernsoulgirl45]

So dh has been ill and has needed quite alot of support from me. We have 3 dc also.
I have been run ragged keeping things going at home and taking dh to his many appointments and work etc. Also helping with dressing and doing all the cooking etc etc.
Thankfully I only work part time. As a result I have missed out on leisure time eg gym etc.
Anyway dh has been in hospital since Friday following a planned op. He believes he will be discharged on Monday.
Today I said that he may need to wait till PM for collection as I had a group to attend and also wanted to go on a planned walk.
He wanted me to attend earlier group but I pointed out that I had also planned a walk as I desperately need some self care/ me time.
His response was so you ard going to leave me at hospital when I can be at home .....
Aibu to think that he was unfair to guilt trip me or aibu to potentially keep him waiting to attend mv group/health walk.

I get that you're feeling exhausted with working , the kids and looking after everything but you should pick him up.
If I was unwell and dh had to do things for me for a while but then got fucked off with me and left me at the hospital I'd probably leave him..after I got better

How long has he been ill for? Is he expected to recover from this?

I feel for you, OP, you've been carrying the load for the whole family and you need a break.

But, you can't just leave him waiting in the hospital. I think a PP's idea of calling him to see when he's ready to be discharged is the best one. That way, you can make the best use of the available time and also get him home as soon as possible.

I hope things get easier for your family very soon.

It sounds like you're burnt out and for some reason picked this walk as a way of expressing your own needs and frustration which you probably feel have been overlooked for a long time.

Of course YABU to leave your DH in hospital so you can have a walk. Don't do that, that's callous, selfish and honestly the kind of thing people remember their spouse doing for decades.

But do something else to look after yourself soon. Have you spoken to other carers or your own health provider about how you are going? You might benefit from a support group or general tips and ideas for self care that fit in with your family.

So when would it be ok to make him wait. If you had work for example? Go on your walk. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Go and get the poor bastard. Don't make him wait after he has just had an operation. He,ll be in pain and he needs you.
Reminds me of my husband who dumped me and pissed off for a new life while I was in hospital. I don't think I ever got over it.

Well at least he now knows how low down he is on your list of priorities. Hope he does the same to you if you're ever ill enough to be admitted to hospital.

Alternatively perhaps he could find someone else who cares enough to prioritise him over going for a walk

You can't look after everyone else if you don't look after yourself. Make plans for the day, but don't mention it to him as it might stress him out. Don't ever feel bad for taking care of health and mental health. Enjoy your day!

How would you feel if he prioritised a walk over you getting out of hospital ? Geeze Louise, this question really takes the cake.

Op,. you know once he is home that the work will start again, with helping him with his recovery and chasing around after the kids.

Self care is important. Do what YOU need to do to be ready to throw yourself back into the deep end.

There is nothing wrong with him having to wait a couple more hours while you refill your cup, as it were.

Remember - you can't give if you have nothing to give.

from one carer to another.

@PregnantSea - I know it's unfair, I know you're tired

@ineedtostopbeingsolazy I get that you're feeling exhausted with working , the kids and looking after everything

Neither of you know any such thing. Carer burnout is a real thing, and if op doesn't time for herself, where will her family be then? It's a few hours, not a fucking lifetime.

I can't believe the amount of women on here giving op a hard time. IT'S A FEW HOURS. Not a life time and her dh will not suffer anymore by having to hang around a little longer while she takes what sounds like some much needed me time.

@AquaPris Sun Tbh you're a total arsehole. Like you're actually horrible. No like YOU'RE actually horrible! Calling someone who needs and wants to take a break an arsehole? Beyond nasty!

You can't pour from an empty cup.

Exactly. You won't be able to care for anyone if you're burnt out, and presumably you've got several weeks ahead where he will need care after this op?

On top of however long you have already been his 24/7 carer. Plus everything you had to keep doing alongside that.

As I read it, you were just trying to manage his expectations about where you may be when/if he finally gets the OK to leave and that you may therefore not be instantly there.

You weren't saying after he gets the OK to leave you're going to go off and do X, y, and z. Although frankly, going for a walk first before you resume being his carer is not a big deal (unless it's some kind of epic trek...). You need respite.

Being discharged is not an emergency, you shouldn't have to drop everything to rush to him, and nor should you have to cancel your whole day just in case he's discharged. He may not be!

Other people have to take transport home alone and manage alone. He's incredibly lucky to have had you there to do so much for him, and is being selfish and ungrateful to expect you to be there at the click of his fingers for a non-emergency, not even urgent situation.

Don't martyr yourself. You're a human not a robot, and you need taking care of too.

Oh op some nasty answers here!! You sound like you're exhausted and just trying to claw back something for yourself. This sounds so difficult. Is there any way you can recruit a bit of help? Care package through the hospital? Friends or relatives that can babysit or stay with your dh for a bit whilst you get a breather. You absolutely need this and I can't believe how many people are being downright nasty on here. In answer to the question, if leaving him a bit longer in hospital is the only way you can get a break then do it.... but personally I would try and find some other way, maybe something that gives you regular breaks?
Good luck

Being in hospital is vile. You need to go and collect him. Also, does your expectation of planning leisure activities in work hours arise from full-time work by him when not sick? Because if so you should stop taking it fir granted.

You are been very unreasonable. I've just got out of hospital after 11 days and would be fuming if DH didn't come as soon as I could be discharged because he was having him time

Can you leave him home alone or is there some reason not? I would go to the group then if he is ready for collection pick him up and drop him home then join the walk.

If you truly need some self care right now (I am not judging for that, truly) then is there someone else you know who can pick him up? If all he needs is a ride home then surely a friend or family member could take the pressure off you? This is something I'd easily do for my friends but I know they'd never ask. Ask someone, the worst that can happen is they say no.

Well I wouldn't actually. I would stay home and make sure he was ok but if I really needed the walk I would do it when he was home.

If your DH left you waiting at hospital because he wanted to finish a round of golf with friends I think people would be horrified.

Same walking, same friends time but he'd be seen as selfish.

I'm so glad page 2 is more supportive than page one!

You're looking after three children by yourself, holding down your job (and presumably being the only breadwinner at the moment), looking after a medium to long term sick partner, and this sounds like it's by no means his first hospital stay of this illness. You haven't had time for any you time and you've finally got a chance for an hour or two. You're actively burnt out, he's got a safe place to wait and won't be blocking a bed.

I can understand that he wants to get home, but I want to strongly encourage you to take the walk. In fact I want to do more than that and encourage you to seek help holding the fort so you can carve out extra time for a weekly walk or some regular gym time. You are too important in this family equation to break down.

You wouldn't drive a car that's been running for a long time on the warning light low on fuel past a petrol station on your way to collect him without stopping to refuel. Same thing, but the adult human body is more exhausted and you're already on borrowed fuel. Take the break. He'll be fine. Xxx

Just re read your post. Your DH, who presumably supports you so that you only have to work PT, has been so ill that he has been incapable and has needed hospital but you're pissed of because you've not been able to go to the gym??? FFS give your head a wobble. That's a luxury many on here never have enough spare time for.

It looks like you've started seeing your DH as a chore rather than as the man who you presumably once loved. The children seem to be rather in your way as well. You may need a total break to regain some perspective because your response of wanting to just leave DH in hospital isn't that of someone in a loving relationship. Whether you're depressed, you've fallen out of love with your family or you're just tired and confused is impossible to tell. It's not fair on any of you though. Does your DH have any family or friends who might be able to look after him? Any grandparents who might take the children?