Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make him wait.

237 replies

Northernsoulgirl45 · 16/06/2019 01:09

So dh has been ill and has needed quite alot of support from me. We have 3 dc also.
I have been run ragged keeping things going at home and taking dh to his many appointments and work etc. Also helping with dressing and doing all the cooking etc etc.
Thankfully I only work part time. As a result I have missed out on leisure time eg gym etc.
Anyway dh has been in hospital since Friday following a planned op. He believes he will be discharged on Monday.
Today I said that he may need to wait till PM for collection as I had a group to attend and also wanted to go on a planned walk.
He wanted me to attend earlier group but I pointed out that I had also planned a walk as I desperately need some self care/ me time.
His response was so you ard going to leave me at hospital when I can be at home .....
Aibu to think that he was unfair to guilt trip me or aibu to potentially keep him waiting to attend mv group/health walk.

OP posts:
Roussette · 16/06/2019 09:07

Anyway just been woken up by a message from dh asking me to bring more stuff in and moaning about how little sleep he had

You are really sounding a bit unkind TBH. Hospital can be quite unpleasant at times, my DH has just come out after 2 weeks in there and I was very symathetic when he had a bad night.

Do you begrudge helping him dress?

When DH was due to come out on Friday, I literally sat there with the phone waiting for him to tell me to leave. I couldn't wait to get him home. I don't think that applies in your case...

Sakura7 · 16/06/2019 09:07

I was in a hell of a lot of pain, but knew that other things needed to happen before I could be collected

A walk doesn't "need to happen" before he's collected, that's ridiculous.

By the way I went through a period of two years where my dad's dementia was getting serious and my mentally ill mother was unable to care for him while also refusing treatment for herself or him. I was working full time while trying to make sure they were safe and cared for, all the while fighting for something to be done by social workers, medical teams, etc. So I know what it's like to feel that burden and have very little me time. But in this specific instance the OP is being unreasonable.

Lweji · 16/06/2019 09:08

Carers do need to recharge batteries.

Unless the walk is several km and you'll be very tired, I'd encourage you to do it so that you are recharged for the carer role at home.

Otoh, I also understand the urge to go home from hospital as soon as possible, but a few hours won't make that much difference to him, I'm sure.

Let him know how much sleep you've had too.
It's not necessarily point scoring, but if you never explain your own struggles he simply won't gess it.

thedancingbear · 16/06/2019 09:08

You do know that the discharge ‘lounge’ isn’t like the business class lounge in an airport? It’s more like the waiting room in a 1980’s dole office. If you want him to get ill again, leaving him languish in one of those places for half a day would be ideal.

differentnameforthis · 16/06/2019 09:09

@Sakura7 Sun A walk doesn't "need to happen" before he's collected, that's ridiculous.

Op's self care NEEDS to happen. If that is a walk with people she knows, then yes, it does need to happen. You have no right to say it doesn't.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 16/06/2019 09:15

The walk is actualky 1st thing and is a thing recommended by a local carers charity.
The plan was to do the walk first and attend my usual group.
H wanted me to go to earlier group which would clash with walk so I will be ready when or if he is ready to go home.
Probably should have explained it better but I was tired when I posted.

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 16/06/2019 09:16

Op's self care NEEDS to happen. If that is a walk with people she knows, then yes, it does need to happen. You have no right to say it doesn't.

Yes, self care is important and OP should try to get a walk in at some point during the day. But her ill DH who is being discharged after an OP should take priority.

I'm not "piling on", I'm just giving my opinion, which echoes the majority of poster on this thread. If you'd be happy to be left sitting around in pain in a hospital lounge while your DH prioritises a walk over your wellbeing at a time when you're vulnerable, that's fine. Don't expect everyone else to feel the same.

Paddy1234 · 16/06/2019 09:16

OP - good luck reading these replies 😂

Sakura7 · 16/06/2019 09:21

The walk is actualky 1st thing and is a thing recommended by a local carers charity.

Ok, that sounds like a good plan.

The plan was to do the walk first and attend my usual group.

What time would the group finish at? If it's earlier than DH is likely to be discharged, then go for it. If not, leave after the walk or just keep your phone on you so you can leave early if necessary.

If your feelings here are based on a history of your DH being selfish, then that's a wider issue that you need to think about once this has passed.

Lillygolightly · 16/06/2019 09:23

@Northernsoulgirl45

You are not being unreasonable, you are not asking him to wait an extended period of time and you have said you will play it by ear and will be there if needs be. That’s plenty good enough especially since I assume you will be running around caring for him and making him comfortable once he is home. All of this on top of looking after your children, holding down your job and seeing to all the usual domestic chores. If your doing all of this you are a superwoman and your DH is very lucky to have you.

If you can manage to carve out a small amount of time to do something nice for yourself that allows your some respite and the strength to go back to your caring responsibilities than good for you, you go for it.

Due to unfortunate circumstances I am currently caring for my MIL she has Alzheimer’s, I also have 3 children the youngest of which is still a baby/toddler, and I have my own business with staff I need to run. Being a carer for someone is very mentally taxing, and at the end of the day/week/month or whatever by the time you’ve done everything for everyone else it’s very hard to then muster up the energy to do something for yourself. Doing things for yourself is important, it’s so easy to neglect your own needs because everything and everyone else’s seem more important but you are what’s holding everything up which is massive stress and huge pressure. You have to remember to prioritise yourself every once in a while so that you can avoid burning yourself out under the stress and strain and so that you can continue to do the amazing job that you are doing.

I hope you go on your walk Flowers

Strictly1 · 16/06/2019 09:26

I'm sorry if my husband did that to me as soon as I was well I'd be off. How selfish.

differentnameforthis · 16/06/2019 09:28

You explained perfectly fine, op!

MRex · 16/06/2019 09:41

People are projecting massively and assuming OP has all manner of tasks when the facts she's actually given are: 3 kids in school, DH in hospital, working part-time so not actually at work. But OP now wants sympathy because her DH asked to have something dropped off at the hospital. Have you always been entirely self-centred @Northernsoulgirl45?

Isatis · 16/06/2019 09:43

@Sakura7 I don't see why her DH wouldn't be ok for an hour on his own. Hardly needs intensive round the clock care

And you know that, how?? You have no idea what he he needs

I'm guessing she knows it from the fact that he's being discharged. That doesn't tend to happen to people who need intensive round the clock care.

MyOtherProfile · 16/06/2019 09:52

Bering discharged doesn't mean they don't need anything.

I'd go for the walk then OP and then see about the group. See if there's any sign of him being discharged and if not go to the group.

Shequakes · 16/06/2019 09:56

Ah now it starts 'well his selfish in general so its fine'.

Such a usual tactic when stuff isnt going the ops way.

Funny cause op is complaining about how all her free time is being taking up by temporarily caring for her husband. Seems he is just fine when its benefitting her and she had lots of free time to enjoy

I don't know why some people get married, they hate the vows when it becomes and inconvenience for them.

Sakura7 · 16/06/2019 10:12

Bering discharged doesn't mean they don't need anything.

Nobody said it did.

Beheuehyu · 16/06/2019 10:13

I’m a bit interested in the unmissable meeting which you have paid upfront - I have a feeling it’s slimming world or similar

luckylavender · 16/06/2019 10:23

I think that getting DH out of hospital should take priority, whatever else you have you have on your plate.

mrswilson2 · 16/06/2019 10:28

What about the person waiting to occupy his bed ?
Get him home ASAP , the NHS is not there to cover your walking time Hmm

SleepingStandingUp · 16/06/2019 10:28

Op regardless of the idea Inn here that yiu are unimportant and husband must be your no priority, the reality is that you need to be mentally well enough to care for all 4, work and look after the house. You feel like you're being run ragged so go on your walk, clear your head so you're in the best position to care for your DH when youhe gets home.

You are not the least important person in your home

MyOtherProfile · 16/06/2019 10:31

But OP getting support from her outings and still picking up dh when he is discharged are not mutually exclusive. In fact this thread is probably all a big mountain out of a molehill since she doesn't know when he will be discharged and may well be able to do both.

Shequakes · 16/06/2019 10:32

You are not the least important person in your home

I disagree. In a family sometimes (and I stress sometimes) you need to be. The kids will always be up there because they have to be.

But sometimes i am the priority. Sometimes dp is. In this situation the one in hospital, is. It's not forever, she can go on the walk and skip the meeting if needed.

TheInvisibleMrsCrane · 16/06/2019 10:35

SleepingStandingUp - where does it say she is the least important person in her home? Sometimes other people’s needs are greater than your own - most reasonable people can see that and temporarily put their own needs to the bottom of the pile.

PoppadomPeach · 16/06/2019 10:36

You know you need to pick him up when he's ready for discharge. There's no ifs or buts about that.

You can go for a walk whenever.
Someone else will be waiting for your husbands bed, so think of them too. He might get put in a discharge lounge which aren't the most comfortable of places at the best of time, especially after surgery.

I understand that you feel suffocated by all the responsibility but your husband needs you at the moment - for you to put a walk above that isn't right.

Swipe left for the next trending thread