Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make him wait.

237 replies

Northernsoulgirl45 · 16/06/2019 01:09

So dh has been ill and has needed quite alot of support from me. We have 3 dc also.
I have been run ragged keeping things going at home and taking dh to his many appointments and work etc. Also helping with dressing and doing all the cooking etc etc.
Thankfully I only work part time. As a result I have missed out on leisure time eg gym etc.
Anyway dh has been in hospital since Friday following a planned op. He believes he will be discharged on Monday.
Today I said that he may need to wait till PM for collection as I had a group to attend and also wanted to go on a planned walk.
He wanted me to attend earlier group but I pointed out that I had also planned a walk as I desperately need some self care/ me time.
His response was so you ard going to leave me at hospital when I can be at home .....
Aibu to think that he was unfair to guilt trip me or aibu to potentially keep him waiting to attend mv group/health walk.

OP posts:
Happinessbegins · 16/06/2019 06:24

Go on your walk next week! Your priority should be to pick him up when he is discharged. Exhausted carer or not (I am myself btw) your priority has to be your husband. You don’t sound concerned about him at all.

swingofthings · 16/06/2019 06:34

Where are your kids tomorrow then? School/nursery? Does it mean that you normally don't work on Mondays and have a day for yourself normally?

As a result I have missed out on leisure time eg gym etc.
Oh no, that's horrible. Then again, some people never get leisure time when they have children, gym time would be a luxury.

If my OH told me that he couldn't pick me up from hospital because he needed a day of leisure he normally gets for himself, it would be my wake up call to not come back at all.

WhoAteMyNuts · 16/06/2019 06:35

My 'D'F had a similar attitude to you when my DM was in hospital awaiting discharge. Turns out he had checked out of the marriage and it was just the start of the beginning of him being horrible to her. Never forgave him and we are now NC. It was a horrible attitude and one that shows exactly where your priorities are for those that you supposedly love.

Have a chat when he gets out about managing some free time for yourself but don't leave him sat in the hospital for the sake of a walk.

Belenus · 16/06/2019 06:52

In terms of beds they tend to transfer to a discharge lounge so no bed blocking.

I get where you're coming from OP, possibly because for decades now I've watched my parents' entirely 1-sided marriage and wish my mum would sometimes stick up for herself. I would be concerned about bed blocking but otherwise I get the need to have some time out and that may not be an issue, as you say. If you can, stay and touch by phone. Do the earlier activity and maybe the walk if there's time.

Vivavivienne · 16/06/2019 07:02

I think YABU. Completely fucking unreasonable. That time period between being told you will be discharged and actually getting to go home is agonizing, I have felt seriously miserable and very tearful during that period, especially after an anesthetic.

Please go and get him and then do your walk. You’ve missed the gym and leisure. He’s been in hospital with sick people whining and crying in the night, noise all night and a bed with a plastic cover. Not to mention the illness itself or the bloody food!

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/06/2019 07:04

I don't think it's necessarily unreasonable of you. Especially if this situation is likely to go on for quite a while.

You must prioritise your own needs in order to be able to care for all the others you are running around after. Not your own wants, but your own needs. So if this walk is essential to you being able to cope with grace and you can't move it to after he's got back then letting him stay in hospital for a couple of extra hours isn't a bad compromise.

Carer burnout is bad for everyone involved. In order to keep your compassion for others you really need to keep yourself feeling human and not let the caring become all consuming and eat away at your self esteem.

TatianaLarina · 16/06/2019 07:05

Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t leave him in one of those awful lounges with plastic chairs. What are you thinking?

Malyshek · 16/06/2019 07:05

OP, I thinl the real issue here isn't the walk or pick up time. I think you're tired and you resent your husband because you've had to take care of everything on your own.

But letting him stew in hospital isn't the right way to handle this, it's passive agressive.

If you need a rest/more down time, and you feel he's not doing as much as he could/should, then you need to sit down with him and have a chat.

floraloctopus · 16/06/2019 07:08

You need to find the me time when he's still in hospital and not supposed to be at home, it's not a respite care service

SimonJT · 16/06/2019 07:10

As someone who has been both the well partner and then the ill partner in this situation, I would be leaving you.

You really don’t leave the person you love in hospital for any longer than necessary, you do everything you can to get them back home, safe and comfortable.

Shoxfordian · 16/06/2019 07:11

If this is reflective of how you feel about your husband then you have more problems than a walk op

Cheby · 16/06/2019 07:15

YANBU OP. Likelihood that he will be available for discharge in the morning is slim to none (I’ve worked in hospitals for 15 years, we aim for ‘home for lunch’ but honestly it’s rarely achieved).

OP has carried everything for the family for a long time. Have none of you heard of putting your own oxygen mask on first? It sounds to me like she is at breaking point and needs a bit of headspace (the walk) before she begins caring for her DH again, as well as their young family. If OP falls over or hits her limit because she has had zero support for her and zero self care time, what will happen to the family then?

This is a matter of asking her DH to wait, once he’s fit for discharge, in a lounge, for a couple of hours. And it may not even be necessary as they probably won’t have sorted his papers and TTAs until mid afternoon.

Go to your group and your walk OP. And remember that it’s ok to put yourself first occasionally.

SurfingGiantess · 16/06/2019 07:16

I must say I love my OH and I'd collect him whenever he's ready. I also have 3 dcs and wouldn't dream of going to some group or silly group walk if he needs picking up after SURGERY! You either don't love him or you're heartless. I get you're busy but while he's getting discharged is not the time to get your leisure time in. Once he's better he can look after the kids one day while you can have the day to yourself.
It's not the time now.

Cheby · 16/06/2019 07:18

Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t leave him in one of those awful lounges with plastic chairs. What are you thinking?

Discharge lounges are on wards. They have recliner or arm chairs in. They’re like a day room on a ward, they’re not like an outpatient waiting area.

I was sent to one at 8am when I was being discharged after having my first baby. They didn’t have our drugs ready at 1pm so I took myself off home and sent DH back for them later. So the hospital were very happy to have me (and 3 other women and all of our babies) in a lounge for 5+ hours. It was daytime. We were awake. It was fine, I was just bored.

Nousernameforme · 16/06/2019 07:19

Christ it's maybe a couple of extra hours in hospital she isnt leaving him bleeding and broken by the roadside.
Op go to the meeting but put a pin in the walk. Try and get out on your own once he is settled

Widowodiw · 16/06/2019 07:21

I cared for my husband whilst he was dying and he was in and out of hospitals. The one and only time
He had to wait was when I was picking up the children from school in another city and he’d got the green light to go home
After I had left.

I think it’s terrible you would
Even consider going on a walk and making him wait. If you are that run down the you need to seek additional support.

WhoAteMyNuts · 16/06/2019 07:29

I was recently discharged from hospital in the morning. I did tell DH to get me whenever he could as he was at work. He was there the moment I could leave because getting me home and comfortable was his number one goal.

If I had had to wait because he couldn't get out of work I would have totally understood because that was something out of his control but if he had said I had to wait because he wanted a walk I would be questioning my marriage.

chamenanged · 16/06/2019 07:29

I would feel so sad if my partner wanted to do this to me especially after several days in hospital. And I don't buy all the "it's not a want, it's a need, you don't run a car with no petrol" etc in this instance.

MRex · 16/06/2019 07:31

Have none of you heard of putting your own oxygen mask on first?
It isn't oxygen, it's relaxation. She can walk AFTER she picks him up and settles him on the sofa or in bed, or the day after. Take a day off work sick and walk. But don't leave the poor man uncomfy in hospital, that's just nasty.

RhiWrites · 16/06/2019 07:36

I don’t see anything wrong with him waiting in the discharge lounge while you complete a planned walk for some important self care.

It’s not like leaving him bleeding on the floor while you do a workout. He’s better, ready to be discharged, what’s the difference between being on the sofa in hospital or at home?

This isn’t a need. It’s a want. Why should his wants trump yours when you’re tired and burnt out?

And nil points to the martyr above who said parents don’t get time to themselves.

Groovee · 16/06/2019 07:38

I'd go to the class then decide about the walk. There's still a chance that they will say no to him getting home on Monday.

crispysausagerolls · 16/06/2019 07:39

If my husband did this to me, I would never forgive him. And I could never imagine doing it to my husband.

MajesticWhine · 16/06/2019 07:42

Just play it by ear and wait to hear when he will be discharged. Personally I think I would cancel plans at the last minute if DH needed collecting. I get that you are obviously fed up though. I think there's more to this story.

Isatis · 16/06/2019 07:50

All this talk about the dreadful horrors of sitting in a comfortable armchair for a couple of hours is absolutely ridiculous. Make sure he has a fully charged phone, a good book and/or magazine or newspaper, he'll be absolutely fine. It's not as if he would be doing anything very different at home.

Crispysausagerolls · 16/06/2019 07:53

All this talk about the dreadful horrors of sitting in a comfortable armchair for a couple of hours is absolutely ridiculous

It’s got nothing to do with the chair and everything to do with how vulnerable you feel after an op, how tired and how abandoned frankly if you had no one to pick you up, especially when you have a wife and you know you are sitting around because she would rather go on a walk. Not nice. Have you never had an operation?

Swipe left for the next trending thread