To make him wait.

[Northernsoulgirl45]

So dh has been ill and has needed quite alot of support from me. We have 3 dc also.
I have been run ragged keeping things going at home and taking dh to his many appointments and work etc. Also helping with dressing and doing all the cooking etc etc.
Thankfully I only work part time. As a result I have missed out on leisure time eg gym etc.
Anyway dh has been in hospital since Friday following a planned op. He believes he will be discharged on Monday.
Today I said that he may need to wait till PM for collection as I had a group to attend and also wanted to go on a planned walk.
He wanted me to attend earlier group but I pointed out that I had also planned a walk as I desperately need some self care/ me time.
His response was so you ard going to leave me at hospital when I can be at home .....
Aibu to think that he was unfair to guilt trip me or aibu to potentially keep him waiting to attend mv group/health walk.

On the one hand, I can understand how you feel. My DM cared for my DF at home when he was dying and it was exhausting for her. But on the other hand, I can't imagine leaving my husband in hospital just so I could go on a walk and if the tables were turned I would be hurt if he did this to me.

Take him home, make him comfy then go on your walk.

If an op posted that she was in hospital and her dh had said this, everyone would be calling him a selfish bastard.

Even if he worked full time and was doing everything for the kids. Even if he chose not to take the day off work. Or told her to get a taxi.

Presumably, he does alot of supporting of the OP since she can afford to work part time and go to the gym etc.

So much for in sickness and in health. That's only for men apparantly.

Discharge lounges are on wards. They have recliner or arm chairs in. They’re like a day room on a ward, they’re not like an outpatient waiting area.

Not all of them. I know - I had six hours to study one.
Not OH's fault. I'd been discharged a day early and, for various valid reasons, he couldn't be contacted for a while.
It was a room filled with those uncomfortable plastic chairs as a PP said (exactly like in an outpatients' waiting room). There was crap on a wall-mounted television being blared at you continuously (tbf, I felt it was crap; purely subjective). Nothing to read (a big thing for me) except two well-thumbed copies of Take a Break and a Closer. I read them cover to cover though (still think it was unreasonable of that chap to sleep with his mother in law).
I was offered a cup of tea or coffee twice. Which at least gave me something to do.

Maybe discharge lounges are different on post-natal wards.

If I was your husband I would be so hurt! He hasn't chosen to be ill. YABVU

Crispysausagerolls, sure, I've had operations, and I've been perfectly happy to be picked up when my DH was available. It's not as if OP's DH is being picked up on the day of his operation.

Yabu. Go and collect him as soon as he’s able to go home!

YABU. Very. Imagine the cries or horror if this was the other way around. He'd be the biggest selfish bastard on the planet.

Regardless of whether they have space in a discharge lounge, DH will want to be in his own space, lounging about or in bed. And I can't blame him.

You might well need some self care time but this is selfish. Or a reverse. My money is on reverse.

You get very stressed when a loved one is ill and you need a bit of 'me time' to recharge your batteries so that you are in a fit state to carry on - or you will make yourself ill.

IME you are often kept hanging around to be discharged - it's not necessarily a five minute job. When you get there after your planned activities he may well still be waiting for discharge.

Say that you are happy to help but remind him that you need a bit more consideration too.

• cries OF horror

Just wanted to add, my mum had Crohn’s disease and lots of surgeries. She had a particularly nasty one when I was about 10 and my Dad made her get a taxi home as he had a business meeting to go to. She never forgave him for that and that was really the final nail in the coffin and they divorced a year later.

Speak to the nurses on the ward....realistically he will probably be told he is getting discharged during morning doctors rounds but by the time docs get discharge letter done and meds up from pharmacy it will most likely be afternoon anyway so wont be an issue.

If it's a case of him being discharged and waiting for you..yes YABU. There will be someone stuck in a and E waiting for that bed. And even when he is in the discharge lounge we would have to keep an eye on him, make sure he is ok, gets a meal at lunch time while he is waiting for you.

I think this is one of these circumstances where you have to be there. I would be rearranging work to pick up my husband or finding someone else who could get him for me. I think it takes priority.

Gosh, I'm in a minority here, clearly, but I don't particularly think YABU.

If this were me and my DH I think either one of us would actually be encouraging the other to have the little break you'd planned before coming to pick the other one up.

I probably would drop my plan if DH was actually upset about it (and think DH would the other way around, too) but that's because I know that generally speaking he is very selfless so if not waiting meant a lot to him, I would want to accommodate that. It's not the case that I'm constantly at his beck and call, which I get the sense is how you feel?

I wonder if your DH needs to take a step back and look at your needs more generally too, not just his own?

Play it by ear. He may not get discharged until arvo.

I don't know how far your activities are from hospital but go to your activity and have him ring you when he know he is being discharged and you can get him on time. You might have to leave early but he can still be picked up in timely manner and you get a bit of destress time.

Once he's home and settled in, you can get a walk in or maybe a nice yoga youtube.

Being a carer in addition to mum working, and holding down the house is very hard work.

So I don't think it has to be either or.

I think it's a bit selfish but you are obviously at the end of your tether. Can a friend wait with him and bring him home?

I've been a carer for two elderly grandparents and my first husband. There are times when you have to look after yourself and times when there are other priorities.

You don't leave your husband in the hospital to go for a walk, it's not right on so many levels.

Discharge lounges are on wards. They have recliner or arm chairs in. They’re like a day room on a ward, they’re not like an outpatient waiting area

No. Not necessarily.

I collected my DH from hospital on Friday after two weeks poorly. In the time he was told he could let me know to collect him, and I did the hours drive, he was already waiting for me in the discharge lounge which was next to the carpark.

It was OK in that lounge, but he was desperate to come home and so pleased to see me. .

I put everything aside and put my life on hold whilst he was in hospital so OP.... YABU.

There will be plenty more walks you can go on.

Listen I have two disabled children. I am run ragged. Get no time for myself. This isn’t an illness, it’s for life. There needs are permanent and I get so frustrated by people like you who as you don’t know how lucky you are. Your situation is temporary. Whilst I appreciate your predicament, I think your walk can wait.

YABU imo

Is it a walk run by a MH group? There’s one near me that runs group walks that aren’t just a group of people walking, but they also aim to help MH as well.

Seriously?? I'm speechless tbh. YABU.

My DH had a year of hospitals etc last year with an illness, and I literally dropped everything to be there for him as much as possible. Hobbies and "me" time don't exist in this situation. Didn't you get married"for better for worse"? ..... or was it just "for better or until the worse bit interferes with my social schedule"?

I think a lot of you are being unfair to the OP. You obviously have no idea how depressed having no time for yourself can make you feel and you can’t pour from an empty cup! If OP had been looking forward to this bit of respite they must be gutted. I’d say have him call you when he’s ready and work your day around it. When he is better, make sure you have as much time as you like to do things for you!

You could be hanging about for hours waiting for him to be discharged. Any walks around where the hospital is? He will be able to phone you so just head back then.

I’d be desperate to get my dh home if he were in hospital and would do anything he needed but I do understand what you’re saying about the extra work, it’s understandably tough on you too but he’s unwell and vulnerable right now and needs you to help him so I don’t think you can leave him there any longer than necessary. Definitely fit your walk in if you can especially if discharge is delayed but I wouldn’t mention it to him again, it’s probably made him feel really shit.

@Cheby

The discharge lounge I was sent to was hard plastic chairs, no water dispenser and no toilet (you had to walk to A&E and use theirs). I only have to wait for half an hour for my partner to collect me (he struggled to find parking).

My surgery wound had been infected, so I had an open packed wound with one of those almost hard coverings to keep it clean. I couldn’t physically sit upright as it was in my lower abdomen, I also struggled to stand. I hadn’t been given my insulin at breakfast, I was in a lot of pain and I was worried about my son (he has never been left alone with my partner at this point).

I couldn’t lay down in discharge, I couldn’t even get to the toilet without assistance.

That half an hour seemed like a lifetime. He could have stayed at work and collected me at nursery pick up time four hours later, but somethings are more valuable than convenience.

Getting home four hours earlier meant being able to lay down, take my insulin, being able to hobble to the toilet. But the most important thing was being able to have a proper cuddle after being stuck in that hell hole for two weeks.