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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting pregnant at age 47, chance is so negligible that I don't need to bother with the Map?

246 replies

TooOldForAllThatShit · 15/06/2019 18:12

DH and I had a quickie this AM. Condom was empty but he definitely orgasmed. It was stuck inside me Blush so he thinks the contents tipped out.

My super market chemist has run out of the morning after pill and the nearest one is a 15 minute drive away. I cba to go and spend £35 for nothing really and I'm exhausted after a 6 mile walk. I've also been on quite strong antibiotics for the last two weeks so not sure it will even work?

AIBU to think I don't need to worry too much at my age. DH is 50. We have 4 DC already. My periods are spacing further apart which indicates menopause approaching.

WWYD?

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 15/06/2019 23:36

On the plus side, once it's done, sex is so much easier, enjoyable, spontaneous and worry-free. It's a total no-brainer.

Unless they're one of the 10% who suffer from chronic testicular pain I guess.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 15/06/2019 23:36

The more times you have unprotected sex, and the longer you wait to take MAP, the bigger the risk you are taking.

Delaying is, frankly, stupid.

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2019 23:42

The whole pregnancy, gestation and childbirth argument is ridiculous when it comes to vasectomies.

Men simply cannot do those things and hopefully the woman was never guilt tripped into doing them either.

So the flippant 'send him on his way' attitude is just silly, as is the 'man up' attitude.

If he chooses to have an operation then that's fine but he should never be made to feel guilty or less of a man for choosing not to.

FionasWineShow · 15/06/2019 23:56

It's not ridiculous - it's the entire point.

It's one small thing the man can do, to do his share, given everything the woman has had no choice but to do.

Luckily I didn't need to make DH 'feel guilty' 🙄 because it was his idea.

It is any decent man's idea.

stucknoue · 16/06/2019 00:01

You are correct that many years ago, teenage pregnancies sometimes were covered up by a surprise "late child" but the absence of reliable birth control was also a factor. We also discovered in our family tree a child with a different father to the one the mum was married to (the marriage took place 3 months after the birth)

WorraLiberty · 16/06/2019 00:33

It's one small thing the man can do, to do his share, given everything the woman has had no choice but to do.

It's an operation and as with any operation it carries risks, so I think being dismissive is quite nasty really.

If the woman has had no choice but to get pregnant and go through with childbirth then that's a whole separate and very serious issue.

PregnantSea · 16/06/2019 00:39

If you were TTC then I would say you've a slim to none chance, but since you don't want to be pregnant I would say there is a very high chance. This is how the universe works.

FionasWineShow · 16/06/2019 00:48

It's an operation and as with any operation it carries risks, so I think being dismissive is quite nasty really.

Look, I know. I'm freely and openly judgmental of men who won't do it, in case I haven't made that quite clear enough.

I don't care if I'm 'nasty' about sub-standard men I'm not in a relationship with. Why would I?

SrSteveOskowski · 16/06/2019 00:53

Seriously, what did I just read?

So you finally decided to get the MAP, but you're not going to bother taking it until the next morning just so you can have another condom free shag as some sort of strange bonus?

OP, it's fairly obvious that you really want another child.
Obvious to the rest of us anyway!

hopefulhalf · 16/06/2019 05:03

Why on earth would you risk chronic pain unnecessarily ? It sounds horrible. If you can take one of the safest drugs there is instead ?

FionasWineShow · 16/06/2019 05:44

Who can take one of the safest drugs.....?

As for why would you take the risk, ask one of the many, many, many men who have done so.

tomatostottie · 16/06/2019 06:43

Actually thinking about taking it tomorrow mid morning. Then we don't have to faff with condoms tonight or tomorrow morning blush. We will still be within 24 hours or so of the first session so surely it should be OK and if I'm taking it anyway.........!

Eh?????
This is ridiculous. It is more effective the earlier it is used. Why on earth would you wait now that you have got it? I had to take it once and I can tell you I took it in the car to make sure I didn't lose 20 minutes waiting till I got home.

I think you secretly want a baby, Why would you then decide to have a bit of bonus sex without a condom? Just increasing the risk of a pregnancy.
If you want sex without a condom then you need to change your method of contraception.

hopefulhalf · 16/06/2019 06:55

It may be they were not informed of the risks. I am not sure why our method of contraception (and the reasoning behind it)is bothering you Fiona. It doesn't affect you in anyway. Yes it's easier and safer for me take a tiny pill every day than have DH undergo minor elective surgery which has a 10% chance of unacceptable complications.

FionasWineShow · 16/06/2019 07:05

Of course they're informed of the risks.

My DH was. My DF, who'd be 79 if he was still alive, was. He was the one who told me as a teenager that any man worth his salt would just do it. And then, whaddaya know, my DH offered to do it when we knew we were done.

I'm sorry that you're in a positioning of having to defend someone who won't step up to the plate.

Doesn't he get the easy ride of it - no responsibility whatsoever. Hard to respect, for most people.

I'm not interested in what individual couples choose to do, so knock yourselves out.

But I absolutely will highlight just how sub-standard I think those men are, so as to raise awareness around the issue, and get women questioning things.

Not you, clearly, you're happy with your lot. But many women aren't, and neither should they be.

hopefulhalf · 16/06/2019 07:13

I was just raising it as I had thought they wouldn't prescribe me the combined pill as I was over 35, I was pleasantly surprised to discover they would. Persoanally If you can take it (I know not everyone can) then why wouldn't you ? I do think permanent medical sterilization should be really a last resort (for both men and women btw).
Morbid I know but if I died (it happens) I would want DH to remarry and that might mean him being open to another family. I wouldn't want to shut that off for him.

DecomposingComposers · 16/06/2019 07:21

FionasWineShow

There's a good chance that although they are told the risks, they don't actually realise what it means. The concept of chronic pain is actually quite hard to comprehend. Most of us imagine pain to be something that is relieved by taking pain killers and that passes. Chronic pain is neither of those.

Plus lots of people are able to ignore risk by thinking that it won't happen to them - until it does. How do people smoke? The risks are so well known. If people actually appreciate the risk and know that it will happen to them why do they do it? Because they are able to convince themselves that it won't happen to them.

No one should ever be guilted into having surgery or shamed into doing it - "what sort of a m a man would refuse to do it". Imagine if that same pressure was being applied to a woman to make her have a surgery that she didn't want?

Auramigraine · 16/06/2019 07:21

I would rather jump off a cliff than have an unplanned pregnancy, especially when I’m in my late forties and just getting my life back. It’s a no brainier for me, I would be like a mad woman racing to find a chemist that does have it no matter how long it took.

Auramigraine · 16/06/2019 07:23

@tomatostottie snap, when I took MAP I found a chemist near me open at 7am on a Sunday, drove there and took it there and then in my car. I wasn’t willing to even wait until the normal Tesco chemists were open, I wanted to take it as soon as possible.

FionasWineShow · 16/06/2019 07:24

Hopeful - fair enough - it's your decision to make.

It does seem a very far-fetched reason to make that decision - not least because why would he want to 'replace' the DC he already has to now look after single-handedly?

I think a lot of women are socialised to put their wants, wishes and conveniences last. They think it's unreasonable to expect a man to take on a comparatively small (compared with (multiple) pregnanc/ies and childbirth) risk. They make excuses ^ (see above) as to why he shouldn't be expected to do one (comparatively) small thing.

I am here to say that it's OK to expect men to do their bit.

Yes, there is a risk, but it's dwarfed by the risks the woman has taken on.

And any man who opts out, and leaves it ALL^^ to his partner, should expect to be judged pretty harshly.
^
Decomposing - nothing you say changes my position in the slightest.

NavyBerry · 16/06/2019 07:26

I wouldn't worry. Sometimes condoms are just empty. It was properly on so why to give it a second thought?

FionasWineShow · 16/06/2019 07:27

No one should ever be guilted into having surgery or shamed into doing it

...and decent men don't need to be 'guilted' or 'shamed' into doing it!

They're perfectly willing, and offer to do it.

That's the point.

DecomposingComposers · 16/06/2019 07:27

That's fine. It didn't happen to your husband so it's all good.

But it does happen to 1 in 10 men. Imagine what happens to them and their wives and their marriages? Do you think that they would all think it's worth it?

FionasWineShow · 16/06/2019 07:30

If only women who have lifelong complications and legacies due to pregnancy and childbirth were given the same concern as the poor men....

No, they're just expected to get on with it.

DecomposingComposers · 16/06/2019 07:31

FionasWineShow

Would you be willing to have an operation that had a 1 in 10 chance of leaving you in chronic pain, and all that that means? Especially if it had no health benefit to you?

If I had to have a life saving operation and the risk was 1 in 10 I would accept it. If I was contemplating cosmetic surgery with those risks, I wouldn't do it.

Many people will find those risks of such a life changing complication unacceptable, and that's fine if they do.

DecomposingComposers · 16/06/2019 07:33

If only women who have lifelong complications and legacies due to pregnancy and childbirth were given the same concern as the poor men....

Really? I would never promote any woman being forced into pregnancy. That must always be her choice.