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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that I have been told I'm poor by friend

173 replies

mimp · 15/06/2019 12:51

Was away with my friend for a couple of days and we were catching up, chatting etc. My DH and I like to holiday and do spend a fair amount each year on holidays. Her DH husband said the reason we are poor and live in a small house is because we spend all our money on holidays.
As a bit of history, they live in a 1.6 million house so pretty large 5 bed, but this has been funded mostly by their parents. My DH and I have done everything ourselves (no help from parents) we live in a 4 bed medium size house. We both live in the same town, very good area. My kids are in local outstanding state school. Their child is at a local private school.
I feel stupidly hurt by the remarks. They have clearly had a lot of help and we have done everything ourselves. I am proud of what we have achieved and I can't help but feel because we are not rich more average they do look down on us. Is this real friendship, my DH says let it go, but surely a friend would respect you for who you are?
Has anyone had this happen to them? Did they keep the friendship or ditch?

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 15/06/2019 12:52

The husband is a dick. Ignore the comment.

nothingtowearever · 15/06/2019 12:52

Wow that's insanely rude and I would of had to of said something to her. What happened after she said that?

nothingtowearever · 15/06/2019 12:53

Him sorry

Loopytiles · 15/06/2019 12:54

Very rude, and would change the way I thought about him as a friend. If it happened again I’d say something to him, and / or avoid him.

IdentifyasTired · 15/06/2019 12:55

Ditch. He sounds a complete moron. A 4 bed house in a nice area with plenty of money for holidays is not even close to being poor.

But you need to work on your self esteem. One person's opinion does not determine your worth. So he thinks you're poor. Who cares? It doesn't change anything about your life.

DonnaDarko · 15/06/2019 12:55

It sounds like you have a good life, and you actually have more than DP and I. We must be destitute!

I would kindly tell her DH to fuck off but that's because I'm not very diplomatic.

Chamomileteaplease · 15/06/2019 12:56

You could open up the conversation. I would find it fascinating to talk about it with him. You said it was your friend's husband, does your friend agree.

You could say, do you really think we are poor - we live in a four bedroomed house and go on several holidays per year? Is that how you class poor?

And then ask how they think they would have compared to you had they not had any help from their families. And wait quietly and patiently for the answer Smile.

Sounds like a fun afternoon.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/06/2019 12:56

Challenge behaviour like that “so you consider us poor” “do you know what the average income in the UK is” and then end the convo “I guess when your parents have funded your lifestyle it’s hard to grasp the true value of money”

Sparklesocks · 15/06/2019 12:57

Really rude. It says a lot about him and how he assesses people and categorises them.

Personally I wouldn’t want friends in my life who look down on me for my financial choices and I’d most likely cut them out. If your only priority in life is money, we have very different values and not much in common.

S1naidSucks · 15/06/2019 12:58

I’d ditch. Mind you, if you decide to stay friends with them and they bring it up again, I’d say in a very comforting voice, “you shouldn’t feel that you have to justify having to rely on your parents to get where you are, by trying to put down other people. Not everyone is capable of living independent lives and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about that.”

Original poster
mimp · 15/06/2019 12:58

But you need to work on your self esteem. One person's opinion does not determine your worth. So he thinks you're poor. Who cares? It doesn't change anything about your life.

This is true I do need to work on my self esteem- I have issues going back to childhood. My parents were not great had a bad childhood they asked me to leave at 17, also asked my DS to leave at 16. Self esteem issues stem from that.

OP posts:
Shockers · 15/06/2019 12:59

Too late, but I’d have told him that you aren’t poor- you’re comfortable and enjoy your chosen lifestyle.

I have a relative (by marriage) who says things like this- she simply can’t understand that not everyone would make the same life choices as she has.

Purpletigers · 15/06/2019 13:00

I’d ask for reasons why he thought that . Do you complain about not having money while spending lots on holidays? I know someone who does this but I just bite my tongue tbh . Perhaps he’s tired of biting his .

Snog · 15/06/2019 13:02

If she is a friend then tell her how this comment made you feel.

Purpletigers · 15/06/2019 13:02

If you’ve both achieved everything you have by yourselves you have nothing to be embarrassed about .

Original poster
mimp · 15/06/2019 13:02

I'm not sure if my friend shares her DH view. I avoided asking that question-I wimped out didn't I?
It's strange when you think you know someone and then..Wham!

OP posts:
nooddsocksforme · 15/06/2019 13:03

So you have worked hard and have a good standard of living. You have also been able to afford great holidays so must have some amazing memories. That’s not poor! How many people live in a £1.6 million house. Not sure that a big house makes you happy and you can be rich in other ways than just in material assets.
I would have laughed at this comment - it’s ridiculous

Original poster
mimp · 15/06/2019 13:04

I very rarely talk to him, mainly just to say hello. Anything he knows my friend would of told him. One of the things we discuss is holidays as she likes to go away as well-her DH thinks they are a waste of money.

OP posts:
ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 15/06/2019 13:05

For a comment like that I would have replied with pretty much what you say in your OP.

"Yeah we're not exactly rolling in it but then we haven't had so much paid for us by our parents like you have"
Then throw in a Tinkly laugh and head tilt too.

7yo7yo · 15/06/2019 13:09

I’d keep in touch just to drop “we aren’t all funded by our parents” into the convo then cut contact.
But I’m a assume aggressive vindictive bitch.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 15/06/2019 13:13

Wasn't it just an ill judged joke? DM data the resin she and DF are poor is because of the number of holidays they take (around half a dozen a year, some just city breaks etc), she's joking they're not actually poor, that's why it's ok to make a joke about it. Maybe he thought it was ok to joke about as you clearly are not badly off

AnthonyCrowley · 15/06/2019 13:16

I would struggle to remain friends with someone that shallow, ignorant and judgemental.

The size of your house does not equal your wealth. I live in a 3 bed semi, I could afford to buy a 4 bed detached house but I don't. I love my home and also can't be arsed with the upheaval.

For all he knows you could have 200k in the bank!

Bluerussian · 15/06/2019 13:16

What a stupid thing to say. You don't sound poor to me. I've no time for people who bother about other people's money and possessions and to actually mention it is beyond the pale.

Honestly, I think your friend needs to be told that it is downright rude to say such things.

Original poster
mimp · 15/06/2019 13:19

No it wasn't a joke. Turns out he has been goggling and asking about other families we both know. Trying to work out what jobs/wage bracket they are in. How much there houses cost etc... I had no idea they had been going to these lengths to find out about people. I was told info I really didn't need to know. I think they have been trying to work out who is acceptable as friends?!

OP posts:
MarchionessOfCholmondeley · 15/06/2019 13:20

It sounds like you have a good balance between spending money on home and being able to relax and go on holiday.

I'd hate to have a huge expensive house but then not go on any holidays. I'd much rather live in my reasonably large house and be able to take the kids on holiday.

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