AIBU to be upset that I have been told I'm poor by friend

[mimp]

Was away with my friend for a couple of days and we were catching up, chatting etc. My DH and I like to holiday and do spend a fair amount each year on holidays. Her DH husband said the reason we are poor and live in a small house is because we spend all our money on holidays.
As a bit of history, they live in a 1.6 million house so pretty large 5 bed, but this has been funded mostly by their parents. My DH and I have done everything ourselves (no help from parents) we live in a 4 bed medium size house. We both live in the same town, very good area. My kids are in local outstanding state school. Their child is at a local private school.
I feel stupidly hurt by the remarks. They have clearly had a lot of help and we have done everything ourselves. I am proud of what we have achieved and I can't help but feel because we are not rich more average they do look down on us. Is this real friendship, my DH says let it go, but surely a friend would respect you for who you are?
Has anyone had this happen to them? Did they keep the friendship or ditch?

Is he your friend? If not, then meh.

Shrug shoulders, move on.

He obviously has too much time on his hands googling other people!
What a tosser .he is the one with issues, not you.
Don’t give it any more space in your mind, don’t let it spoil your holiday you have what you have due to hard work, not a leg up from parents, and if he says anything like that again I would point that fact out to him, or rise above it and ignore.

Why didn't you reply with "and the reason you are rich and live in a big house os because your parents paid for it".

I saw your update, fuck them both off. I had an ex-friend with a partner like this, he was a nightmare and very hard work. Passive aggressive toward anyone he perceived to have more than him, snide and patronising toward anyone he thought had less. I swear he cared more about my purchases when I went shopping than my DH! He was a nasty, bitter little man who was incapable of being a friend to anyone because he was so paranoid and jealous and unfortunately some of his attitude rubbed off on his partner. You don't need people like that in your life.

I think they have been trying to work out who is acceptable as friends?!

FFS, - what utter dickheads snobs.

Make the decision for them and ditch them. They aren't worthy of your friendship. You don't need people who judge you on your material worth in your social circle.

I'd have told him I rich I was in comparison to him. You can be rich in many ways, not just financial.
I'd also point out how easy it is to be rich on somebody else's money.
What a wanker, no, he's no friend.

He sounds like a moron. Maybe what he meant but didn't say was that you would have more money if you didn't spend it on holidays. Doesn't mean you would be able to afford a house the same size as theirs though!

You don't sound like you are struggling for money by any means and it all just comes down to priorities. Seems you would rather live in a good sized house, have nice holidays whereas he would rather just spend on having a big home and sending kids to private school.

I would also mention to your friend or him if you see him that you found his comments to be rude. In fairness I have said the same to my sister when she moaned she couldn't move from her 3 bed semi to a 4 bed detached because she just doesn't have the money. Truth is they go on shed loads of holidays abroad and are kitted out in designer gear. All totally fine, if you can afford it but silly if you can't. Saving often requires sacrifices that not everyone is willing to do. Have you complained to friend about a lack of money to do things/ buy things?

Maybe they don't have much money left after private school fees and other trappings of keeping up appearances. Maybe the wife is badgering him to take them holiday and they can't afford. Affluent people would need to go to certain places on holiday that fit with their image, they can't just take a cheap holiday to butlins!

My view is don’t be so touchy OP and defend your decision with pride. My parents like you funded everything themselves and chose to stay in what nowadays would be classed as a starter home - we always had lovely holidays, never abroad but staying in top class hotels and self catering places. We had fashionable clothes and had things like driving lessons paid for when we were 17. My sister and I sometimes complained about sharing a bed room but were simply told that if we wanted a room of our own in a bigger house it would be at the expense of other things.
Nowadays my parents are comfortable in their small house - they have never been on a cheapie package holiday and neither would they want one. They live life as they want to buying nice food, having nice holidays and with no debt. You do the same and ignore your friend with her huge house

if The google story is real the what s1n says - I’d say in a very comforting voice, “you shouldn’t feel that you have to justify having to rely on your parents to get where you are, by trying to put down other people. Not everyone is capable of living independent lives and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about that.
But not to the wife, she might be really struggling with his knobbishness. Of course if she thinks the same way about who is acceptable as a friend then it’s over to the ex friends basket!

You’ve just decided to spend your money on holidays instead of a bigger house. Are they so hard of thinking??

And who the hell goes around telling other people they are poor? Total lack of manners.

It works the other way round you know, we have a relative who is always going on about how "rich" we are, because we live in a 4 bedroomed detached house in a nice area in the South East and they live in local authority housing.
DH is a buider and we bought a very small (2 bedroomed) house on a large plot and over the years extended it.
They have far more disposable income than us and could have easily afforded to buy the house they live in but chose to spend their income as they wished. But they make very disparaging remarks about several family members who have worked hard to own their own properties calling them "rich" and "posh", and flatly refuse to socialise or come to family events.

I would stop worrying about what a jumped up little knob who sponges off his parents thinks or says. You have achieved far more than him. If he says anything again, just say, "Everything we have we have achieved by ourselves, without any handouts from anyone."

And like PP said they don't know what other assets you may have.

Several people have mentioned this so I wanted to answer. I would never discuss money in RL.
Her mentioning her DH's comment about me and DH was said when we were talking about a holiday I have booked for next year (got a good price as booking early) She did ask me how much and I told her, felt OK telling her, as friend for several years and didn't think telling the cost of a holiday was to personal?

I think it's best judging how much money talk happens between friends and family.

Some people are bad at seeing things differently. E.g. I have friends who tell me and DH that we're so lucky to have bought out own home in a nice area and how they'd love to afford it. The difference is we do one affordable holiday a year, don't eat out, rarely drink, don't have a new car every 2 years. They choose to have holidays, go travelling, wanted the few years in London, eat out regulalry. We spend our money differently and that's ok, but some people can't see the link between how they spend money vs how others afford things.

Drop. Like a hot potato.

Friends don't judge you - they aren't friends.

Crikey, if you are poor then I should be in the workhouse !!!

I'd have called him a cheeky bastard tbh

"I can't believe that you actually said that. How rude!" would've been the correct reply. I know someone like them. I used to be friends with them, did a lot for them. We were once discussing a local derelict property that had just sold and I mentioned that a neighbour was rumoured to have bought it. She replied "Him!! He can't possibly afford a house like that." Then later they had a party and didn't invite us, despite us having invited them to all our parties and them being our only neighbour (they even asked for our help putting lights in their gazebo!). It was all rich, posey friends, and we finally realised that they clearly looked down on us. We let the "friendship" go. We might not have their money but we're nicer people! We still say hello and chat if we see them, but it's superficial nowadays.

Ps, I'd probably think someone was ill if they did a tinkly laugh and head tilt too. I've never seen anyone do it apart from in American teen movies!

He sounds like a patronising, sneery git.

Ignore him and minimise contact.

I’d be making passive aggressive remarks about not getting help from mummy and daddy to fund your lifestyle

He's mad. When you ask him for money he can comment. He's poor in spirit, and mean.

Oh I thought he had said it to your face. But it was his wife/your friend who passed the nugget on? I'd be pissed off with him but more pissed off with her.

Only on MN does a 4bed house and numerous holidays a year, make you poor.

You are either stealth boasting or have a view as skewed as your friends husband when it comes to money / poverty.