AIBU to be upset that I have been told I'm poor by friend

[mimp]

Was away with my friend for a couple of days and we were catching up, chatting etc. My DH and I like to holiday and do spend a fair amount each year on holidays. Her DH husband said the reason we are poor and live in a small house is because we spend all our money on holidays.
As a bit of history, they live in a 1.6 million house so pretty large 5 bed, but this has been funded mostly by their parents. My DH and I have done everything ourselves (no help from parents) we live in a 4 bed medium size house. We both live in the same town, very good area. My kids are in local outstanding state school. Their child is at a local private school.
I feel stupidly hurt by the remarks. They have clearly had a lot of help and we have done everything ourselves. I am proud of what we have achieved and I can't help but feel because we are not rich more average they do look down on us. Is this real friendship, my DH says let it go, but surely a friend would respect you for who you are?
Has anyone had this happen to them? Did they keep the friendship or ditch?

Had you been complaining about money and it was more of a "you're poor because you spend all your money of holidays" kind of remark rather than meaning that you are actually poor when you obviously aren't. If not, then he's a fool who has taken what help he has for granted.

Wait until she divorces him and he has to move in with his Mum......

I can't help but feel because we are not rich more average they do look down on us

They sound grim. I’d distance myself from that because it’s a bore and he sounds insecure and a bit stupid. Who wants to spend time with people who select friends by such externalities? I can’t help looking down on people who rely on the bank of mum and dad (certainly when they judge others who have relied on their own mettle and cut their cloth accordingly).

@mimp Is it true? Do you spend most of your money on holidays?

No wonder you were hurt.
He sounds so nasty, almost like a politician.
As long as you have a home and are not wanting then you are not poor.
I would prefer to be poor than be devoid of manners and so materialistic.
Your child will benefit much more from holidays than living in a house worth £££
Just imagine the cleaning ?

Give me a holiday any day.

1. He sounds insecure. That's his problem.

2. He is a different person to your friend so don't let your friend's dick of a DH damage your relationship with your friend if you want to.

3. If you are willing to kick up an argument, why don't you ask your friend to put her dick of a DH back in his box. As he seems comfortable venting his opinion, why not say it when he's in the room.

Who the fuck is he to judge how you spend your money?

And why is she passing this information on to you anyway?

You could have completely got this wrong.

Your DF was complaining to her DH that you’ve booked yet another holiday and yet they hardly ever get away.

He said ‘Well that’s why they’ve never got any money because they go away so much’. In other words it was his defence to say to her which would you rather have, their life or ours?

Your lack of self esteem means you immediately took it personally. If you have so many good friends that you can avoid to let a few go, then drop them. Otherwise see it for what it is - a passing remark that meant nothing. Get over it.

Your friend really didn't have to mention her dickhead husband views on your finances did she? That leads me to believe that actually she probably agrees. Maybe because she's jealous you have holidays she doesn't get because her husband is a knob???
Whatever her motives she too is a dickhead. Sorry OP, find some new, nicer friends

• not ‘avoid’ - afford!

It wasn’t a great comment but I’d say it only hurts because you feel guilty that you do spend money on holidays. But you don’t need to! It’s your life and it’s what you do and it’s what you’ll remember in the future so why not do that? As for them, it’s his opinion. And as for judging, they mightn’t look down on you, you told us how much their house is worth and that they got help so you painted a picture of them as rich. It could have been a throwaway comment and since you didn’t hear it, perhaps he didn’t even use the word poor, but as you said you’ve low self esteem so you heard it.

Don't measure yourself or what you have against other people. That way lies unhappiness.

Be proud of what you have achieved and what you have.

And if you choose to spend your money on holidays - experiences rather than materialistic things - then that's your choice and nobody else's business.

He sounds like a knob to be avoided. People are so much more than the sum of their possessions, job, holidays, houses etc and those who can't understand that are, most assuredly, never going to be satisfied with what they themselves have. If you're constantly marking yourself up against others, and measure yourself in this way, you're losing at life, in my view.

If you're happy with the way you live your life, I really wouldn't let this sad little man change your perception of yourself.

Next time they bring it up I would casually say "well we can't all have help to get on the property ladder can we. Imagine if we had the same amount of help you did our nicely sized 4 bed would probably of had 7"

I would have replied 'well, life's always easier when someone else has funded it, but hey ho, stick the kettle on, there's a love' and carried on my conversation with my friend.

What idiots, both of them. If mentioned again, i would comment about how i was at soon going to be several hundred pounds worse off as I had decided ditch them to focus on better quality friendships.

Speaking as someone who doesn't own a big house and children went to a state school, I've got to say that although DH and I have struggled to make ends meet we've found that taking our children on a good holiday is very beneficial to their education. There are many things in life that can make us rich. Health, family and happiness are the things that matter. Money will make life easier but not necessarily happier just ask any of the recently divorced lottery winners. He's an idiot ignore him. You'll have many happy memories but so many people like him grow old and grumpy because they may have money but they've not really experienced life, and realise when its too late that they can't take it with them.

Weird for your friend to pass it on. Slightly bitchy thing for her DH to say in private but it was probably in the context of your friend agitating for more holidays like you have!

Very rude of your friend. You don’t tell someone you think they are poor.

Also I can’t imagine wanting to be friends with someone who cared about how well off we were. How does that matter to any kind of worthwhile friendship?

If you care about her and don’t want to ditch, maybe say something (‘I found your comment the other day hurtful- I don’t see us as poor and it felt a bit judgmental‘)

If you’re not that bothered, ditch.

You could have completely got this wrong.

Your DF was complaining to her DH that you’ve booked yet another holiday and yet they hardly ever get away.

He said ‘Well that’s why they’ve never got any money because they go away so much’. In other words it was his defence to say to her which would you rather have, their life or ours?

Even if that was the case, why would she then repeat that conversation to her friend? It would clearly cause offence and isn’t necessary.

If my OH made a remark like that about my friend (defensive or not), I wouldn’t go running to her to tell her the conversation we’d had because it’s between me and him and I know it would upset my mate and she’d stop liking him for judging her in that way and it would cause friction. It’s common sense that you wouldn’t repeat that.

I can see why you're upset by it, but it might just be a stupid throw away remark that the guy is beating himself up about nightly.

Not sure what else you can do - it seems a bit much to confront him about it. I guess just be ready to press him on it or to say you're very comfortable and your priorities are travel, not 5 bedrooms, should you decide to maintain the friendship and should it come up again.

Twaty comment from the husband.

Deeply unpleasant for your friend to repeat it.
I would be cringing for them both.

Distance yourself.
Work on your own self esteem too.

I wish I was as "poor "as you, lol!
Tell him to eff off next time x

So many comments and thoughts, the response has surprised me and some of the comments have given me a chuckle!

Like a lot of posters I believe that travel broadens the horizons and it was one of the things that drew DH and I together. Our plan was always to have a family and travel as much as possible.

I thought I knew my friend and her DH that's what caught me out. She made some other digs at me about other things-like what I eat my weight-I'm about a stone over weight...the wine does it!! I think she does have an issue with me and I have just never seen it before.

It's been great to read all the comments though x