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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that I have been told I'm poor by friend

173 replies

mimp · 15/06/2019 12:51

Was away with my friend for a couple of days and we were catching up, chatting etc. My DH and I like to holiday and do spend a fair amount each year on holidays. Her DH husband said the reason we are poor and live in a small house is because we spend all our money on holidays.
As a bit of history, they live in a 1.6 million house so pretty large 5 bed, but this has been funded mostly by their parents. My DH and I have done everything ourselves (no help from parents) we live in a 4 bed medium size house. We both live in the same town, very good area. My kids are in local outstanding state school. Their child is at a local private school.
I feel stupidly hurt by the remarks. They have clearly had a lot of help and we have done everything ourselves. I am proud of what we have achieved and I can't help but feel because we are not rich more average they do look down on us. Is this real friendship, my DH says let it go, but surely a friend would respect you for who you are?
Has anyone had this happen to them? Did they keep the friendship or ditch?

OP posts:
wildcherries · 15/06/2019 15:17

Oh I thought he had said it to your face. But it was his wife/your friend who passed the nugget on?

Oh. I missed that. He's an idiot for saying it. She isn't better for passing it on. What was she hoping to achieve doing that? Weird.

BlitzenandMikey · 15/06/2019 15:17

God what a twat! And I’d tell him so! My son (11) has a classmate like this. Always judging and making comments about money. We are not rich and gave to watch the pennies. His parents clearly have more money than sense. The little shit just told my boy that I was tight because I didn’t offer him lunch ( weeks ago now hadn’t been shopping, didn’t know he was coming etc) that we had no stair carpet ( just bought a new carport) that I our house was small etc etc . What’s my point? Some people, even kids are just sad and have no clue. I told my boy I will show him poor, where I work!

BlitzenandMikey · 15/06/2019 15:19

P.s what kind of ‘friend ’ is she, disclosing that kind of comment??

ittakes2 · 15/06/2019 15:20

You should have said you would be rich if you had parents that gave you money towards a big house. ignore he is being a knob. you sound to me like you are living a dream alot of people would be envious of.

ShittensAndKittens · 15/06/2019 15:26

Exactly what BarbarianMum said.

Clearly, with your living in a four bedroom house in a nice area, and spending a fair amount on holidays, you are not even remotely poor. You must know this.

I've been poor. Poor is not turning on the heating all winter, but instead wearing layers of clothes and jumpers to bed. Waking up to a coating of ice on the inside of your bedroom window, because the house is so cold.

Living on 13p noodles and cheap bread. Sitting in the dark waiting for the wages to come in because the electricity has run out and you can't afford to top it up until you're paid. I could go on.

Of course your friend's DH is an absolute arse. But you are not poor by any stretch of the imagination.

Also, perhaps you should look in to why you find it such an insult to be called poor? You say that you feel hurt by the remarks. Yes, it stings a bit to be looked down upon, doesn't it? Rather the same way you no doubt made other people feel by suggesting that being called 'poor' was so very insulting.

Original poster
mimp · 15/06/2019 15:28

crunchymum sorry you feel that I am stealth boasting. That is not the point of this thread I am trying to work out if I move away from the friendship or if that would be an over reaction. I am grateful that so many people have responded and I think I am not over reacting by letting the friendship slip away. I want real friends not pretend ones. My value of a friendship is clearly different to them. Well you live and you learn I guess-Thank you to all that took the time to comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
mimp · 15/06/2019 15:29

For the record I have been so poor I could not feed myself and the doctor said I was malnourished. So I do understand the value of money and I do know what poor is.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 15/06/2019 15:33

I guess when your parents have funded your lifestyle it’s hard to grasp the true value of money

Perfect response!

Sagradafamiliar · 15/06/2019 15:37

They are both arseholes. Some people really are obsessed with money and their idea of mortification is to be shown that you have less than people might think. Pathetic people, it is so sad.
I would say that the reason they live in cloud cuckoo land is because they have been legged up and financed all their lives.

LuckyLou7 · 15/06/2019 15:54

You know you aren't poor, and living in a nice house in a nice area, and having lots of nice holidays, confirms that. So you should have totally ignored the comment or laughed in her face.

There are people on here who are just about getting by, or not even managing from payday to payday, let alone indulging in holidays and living in nice houses. Tesco value noodles for dinner every night is poor. Having to get a voucher for the food bank is poor. Relying on charity shops and hand-me-downs to clothe yourself and your children is poor.

Palaver1 · 15/06/2019 15:54

This is the reason I can’t see why people discuss how much they earn how much their cars cost etc
Why did you not ask what do you mean and remind his thick head that his only where he is due to the help his had and not by merit.
He really is poor in spirit and soul as well

Palaver1 · 15/06/2019 15:57

I think it’s time to ask yourselves if you want to continue a friendship on these terms He thinks his better than you and will continue to rub your noses in it
How utterly mindless,sorry I am very cross

mondaysaturday · 15/06/2019 16:17

*The advice of a head tilt and throwing in a tinkly laugh always puzzles me

It is seen by some MNers as the ultimate put-down

But if someone head tilted and did a weird tinkly laugh I'd just worry they were losing the plot and were maybe thinking they were in a 1960's British sitcom.*

Wholeheartedly agree.

Even the phrase "tinkly laugh" makes me cringe.

Pharlapwasthebest · 15/06/2019 16:20

Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 15/06/2019 16:24

If he's been assessing people based on income bracket and house size in terms of their suitability for friendship, he's an arsehole. If she's married to someone who openly acts that way (and she's open about the fact he thinks you're poor) she's also an arsehole.

You can be as rich as God and still live a shitty life. They seem destined to do that. Cut off contact and find friends based on them not being total wankers. It makes barbecues so much more enjoyable when nobody's a cunt. If they ever ask why you've cut off contact, be brutally honest and tell them exactly which part of their arsehole behaviour made you draw the line. For me it would be the "thinks we're poor because..." but honestly, there's so much shitty behaviour to choose from, you take your pick.

Butchyrestingface · 15/06/2019 16:25

Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business.

Neither they are - one’s “friends” decide to pass onto you what their husbands think of your financial situation. Hmm

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 15/06/2019 16:47

Sounds like he has weird priorities (googling partner’s friends is not normal) coupled with little awareness of his own privilage and an inflated sense of his own achievement. Is your friend’s partner Boris J? If so, no useful advice to give (other than block). If not, then try to work out why she would tell you this.

Did she seem to follow his views or was it in an ‘eye-roll’ way? Either way it’s odd information to impart. I’d work on standing up for yourself in an assertive rather than confrontational way (‘well, I guess we’ve worked hard to get these things and no one has helped us out financially along the way. Because it’s all down to our own efforts we get to choose exactly how we spend our money and we tend to make sound financial choices but also make sure we have fun and holidays. BTW most people would find it a bit intrusive googling private info like that. Don’t you think that’s a bit strange? How would your other friends feel if they knew?)

If she really does think this is ok behaviour then seriously edit what you share if you want to continue the friendship.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/06/2019 16:53

What a shame all that money couldn’t buy them any manners.

moonpiggle · 15/06/2019 17:00

Yes exactly 👆

Tooner · 15/06/2019 17:06

Ditch her OP. She's no true friend. There was no need for her to tell you that. She only said it to try to make you feel crap and make them feel more superior to you. They are both nasty people.

AnthonyCrowley · 15/06/2019 17:09

If my dh said such a thing I'd tell him to stop being such a twat and no way would I repeat it to the person.

The fact she said it makes me think that either she agrees but hasn't the balls to take the "credit" for the opinion so shifts the blame to dh. Or she is just a nasty cow who wanted to upset you. Or possibly she's as thick as shit.

EL8888 · 15/06/2019 17:14

Wow they are crass and poorly mannered! Plus clearly clinging onto their parents coat tails / purses. I would be quite blunt, saying "we think it’s important to be independent and do things for yourselves without endless family support. We are all adults after all!. I get an under current of jealousy or resentment from them, otherwise why comment? Unless they are just rude and judgemental people? In all honesty l would hardly describe someone with a 4 bedroom house in a good area, that regularly travels as poor 😂. I probably wouldn't continue to be friends with these people

Lucifer666 · 15/06/2019 17:15

OP whilst that was very rude of your friend and her husband I wouldn't get too worked up they sound like insecure aholes at least you can be proud that everything you have is a result from your hard work whereas they have relied on mummy and daddy.

ginghamtablecloths · 15/06/2019 17:16

Ditch. Compared to anyone who has a house worth £1.6m the vast majority of us are poor. Be proud of your achievements. It's a 'richer' experience to be independent and a better preparation for life to do things for yourself. Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say.

iklboo · 15/06/2019 17:17

'Oi am considerably richer than yow'

(Harry Enfield)