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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that I have been told I'm poor by friend

173 replies

mimp · 15/06/2019 12:51

Was away with my friend for a couple of days and we were catching up, chatting etc. My DH and I like to holiday and do spend a fair amount each year on holidays. Her DH husband said the reason we are poor and live in a small house is because we spend all our money on holidays.
As a bit of history, they live in a 1.6 million house so pretty large 5 bed, but this has been funded mostly by their parents. My DH and I have done everything ourselves (no help from parents) we live in a 4 bed medium size house. We both live in the same town, very good area. My kids are in local outstanding state school. Their child is at a local private school.
I feel stupidly hurt by the remarks. They have clearly had a lot of help and we have done everything ourselves. I am proud of what we have achieved and I can't help but feel because we are not rich more average they do look down on us. Is this real friendship, my DH says let it go, but surely a friend would respect you for who you are?
Has anyone had this happen to them? Did they keep the friendship or ditch?

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 15/06/2019 13:21

I used to get a lot of this when I earned less. Friends and cousins would have expensive houses paid for by the bank of mum and dad or inheritances from extended family, while everything I paid for was earned by me. The comments only stopped when I called that out. A quick ‘at least I’m self made / independant’ usually shut people up. And now of course my being self-made has helped as I am more resilient and earn more than them with more savings while most of my friends still have the same spending habits as they did as students.

CurlsandCurves · 15/06/2019 13:21

‘I love my house and I love my holidays. So if that makes me poor in your eyes, then yes I’m poor!’

Said with a big smile on your face.

He’s an idiot.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 15/06/2019 13:25

Insanely rude. Don't know many people that would consider a 4 bed house in a good area and multiple holidays a year as 'poor'

SolitudeAtAltitude · 15/06/2019 13:26

The advice of a head tilt and throwing in a tinkly laugh always puzzles me

It is seen by some MNers as the ultimate put-down

But if someone head tilted and did a weird tinkly laugh I'd just worry they were losing the plot and were maybe thinking they were in a 1960's British sitcom.

OP, just tell them kindly to fuck off, with or without tinkly laugh

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 15/06/2019 13:27

After that update they definitely sound awful. Just distance yourself

bobstersmum · 15/06/2019 13:27

Why didn't / don't you say to him exactly what you've told us, they are idiots.

Cmagic7 · 15/06/2019 13:29

OK, I'll play devil's advocate. Did this comment come off the back of you complaining about your own house or you bemoaning that you couldn't afford something that they could? The reason I say this is that all of my friends have different money priorities. I know someone that will complain that they can't afford to buy a certain food that we do but always finds 30 - 40 quid a week to spend on booze. I also know someone who is always going on about how broke they are but goes on several holidays a year, whereas our family has a high shopping bill but we don't really go on any holidays. Of course, I think that it's a subject best avoided with friends anyway as it's a pretty delicate area as we're only human and will always compare ourselves to others to a certain degree.

CrazyToast · 15/06/2019 13:33

You clearly aren't poor, not that being poor is anything to be ashamed of.I'd be more annoyed that he thought it was his place to comment on your finances at all. But he was BU to comment on what you spend and how you spend and even to bring up the topic at all.

carla1983 · 15/06/2019 13:35

I don't like being friends with someone who is so desperate to keep up with the Joneses.

fedup21 · 15/06/2019 13:37

No it wasn't a joke. Turns out he has been goggling and asking about other families we both know.

Is that a typo (apologies if goggling is a thing I haven’t heard of!) and he’s actually been googling what his friends earn?! Nice!

I’d have said-‘and the reason you are rich is because your parents have both helped you financially!’

slt2b · 15/06/2019 13:38

You're not poor but I'd rather be poor and spend it on holidays than not! Think of all the experiences your children are getting :)

Peregrina · 15/06/2019 13:41

Turns out he has been goggling and asking about other families we both know. Trying to work out what jobs/wage bracket they are in.

He sounds like an insecure tosser. Deep down he is probably the one who is envious - you have made a good life for yourselves by your own efforts, whereas he has only done so with a leg up from Mummy and Daddy.

INeedAFlerken · 15/06/2019 13:43

He sounds like a conceited knob who is indeed trying to pick 'friends' based on their wealth/importance, all while conveniently forgetting he's not 'self made' himself ...parents had to seriously prop him up.

I'd distance yourself. And feel sorry for his wife. He thinks holidays are a waste of money, but she likes holidays! Meaning he thinks the big building and expensive cars to impress the neighbours are more important than lifetime experiences with your loved ones and your loved ones feelings. He's an arse.

MrsZola · 15/06/2019 13:46

I know I'm poor compared to most of my friends- absolutely no disposable income, always overdrawn half way through the month, no holidays etc - but I don't give a shit and neither do they. Real friends don't judge or patronise. I'd be telling them to fuck off out of my life - judgy bastards.

ComeAndDance · 15/06/2019 13:48

I wouod be upset for the friend for reacting that comment unless it was with a ‘what a stupid comment’ to go with it.
Someone relating a moment like this but not making it clear they dont agree with it is someone who tries to tell you something wo having to take responsibility. They will think just as much.

Hecateh · 15/06/2019 13:49

I very rarely talk to him, mainly just to say hello. Anything he knows my friend would of told him. One of the things we discuss is holidays as she likes to go away as well-her DH thinks they are a waste of money.

Possible scenario
Her - Mimp's on holiday (going on holiday) again, I wish we went on holiday a bit more.

Him - What do you want that for holiday's are a waste of money, that's why they're so poor. They can't afford what really matters which is a house like ours.

Her to herself - 'I'm jealous of Mimp they're always on holiday and having fun'
Her to you - 'Husband thinks you're poor'

Teateaandmoretea · 15/06/2019 13:56

He sounds like a dick. He has no idea how much money you have anyway. As long as your house is adequate for what you need why are people obsessed with bigger and bigger?

Teateaandmoretea · 15/06/2019 13:57

I can't help but feel because we are not rich more average they do look down on us.

You sound better off than average to me....

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/06/2019 13:57

People are funny about money. My friend looks up on the internet how much money her friends have paid for their houses. I don't know why she cares. I guess your friend's DH is the competitive type and if he's also someone who doesn't see the point of holidays, then your choices are incomprehensible to him. I doubt he meant to offend you and I think his wife has probably given him a bollocking over it in private. I wouldn't condemn her for the fact that her husband is a bit rude though.
I'd let this one go provided he isn't generally an arse to you.

tuxedocatsintophats · 15/06/2019 13:58

I'd ditch. People like this fundamentally see themselves as superior to others, and this gives them pleasure. Looking down on you makes them feel good about themselves, like they're doing you a favour by hanging out with you.

Life is a narrow-minded place for them, challenging them is like farting in the wind and life is way, way too short to waste on judgy cunts like this. No need for histrionics, just start letting them drift. 'Hey, you free on X date?' 'Oh, no, sorry, have plans.' And on and on until they just stop asking. Just gradually get them out of your life. They won't ask why and it's pointless to bring it up because They're Always Right and You are Always Wrong.

It's nothing personal, I can assure you they do this to everyone.

slt2b · 15/06/2019 14:03

You are not poor nor average. You have a 4 bedroom house in a good area with good schooling.
I live in a good area but I'm a single mum who can barely afford her rent to 3 children in a 2 bed terrace.
I still don't see myself as poor.

Fairylea · 15/06/2019 14:06

Wow he sounds deeply insecure about himself on some weird level.

No one can look at anyone and tell what someone’s situation is anyway- doesn’t he realise this? I never tell anyone this in real life but we live in a 3 bed semi in a fairly rough ish part of our town (which is quite rural) and dh works full time in a low paid job (only just over min wage). People we mix with through work etc are top earners, the type to work overseas in oil, huge mansions in the country etc, I know they probably reckon we’re very poor by comparison. But - I have a large inheritance, from my Gran and my Mum (only child) and as a result we have no mortgage and a lot of savings. Dh doesn’t actually need to work, he just enjoys it. I don’t work. We spend money going out, on holidays, if we fancy something we buy it. We’re not at all interested in moving to a larger or fancier house, we could it just doesn’t interest us. We will however be going one two luxury overseas holidays next year and flying business class. That’s what we enjoy.

I think it’s really interesting how people live, none of us are the same. As long as people are happy that’s all that matters! No need to judge others.

wildcherries · 15/06/2019 14:07

Turns out he has been goggling and asking about other families we both know. Trying to work out what jobs/wage bracket they are in

For real? He sounds nuts and is definitely rude. I'd need to know if your friend feels the same way, and what she's been telling him and then make my decision about further contact from that.

BarbarianMum · 15/06/2019 14:08

a) you are not poor b) being poor is not an insult

wildcherries · 15/06/2019 14:12

BarbarianMum Agreed.

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