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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that I have been told I'm poor by friend

173 replies

mimp · 15/06/2019 12:51

Was away with my friend for a couple of days and we were catching up, chatting etc. My DH and I like to holiday and do spend a fair amount each year on holidays. Her DH husband said the reason we are poor and live in a small house is because we spend all our money on holidays.
As a bit of history, they live in a 1.6 million house so pretty large 5 bed, but this has been funded mostly by their parents. My DH and I have done everything ourselves (no help from parents) we live in a 4 bed medium size house. We both live in the same town, very good area. My kids are in local outstanding state school. Their child is at a local private school.
I feel stupidly hurt by the remarks. They have clearly had a lot of help and we have done everything ourselves. I am proud of what we have achieved and I can't help but feel because we are not rich more average they do look down on us. Is this real friendship, my DH says let it go, but surely a friend would respect you for who you are?
Has anyone had this happen to them? Did they keep the friendship or ditch?

OP posts:

MarshaBradyo · 15/06/2019 17:20

It’s a really stupid thing to say and says more about him than you so I’d take comfort from that.

Sewrainbow · 15/06/2019 17:22

She shouldn't have passed that on to you. It was his private thought rather than something he'd necessarily say to your face, he might be mortified she said that.

What I think shows is that he is massively insecure about his choices/status and measures success by material things like size of house.

She secretly wants more holidays etc and doesn't agree with him so by voicing his opinion out loud she is trying to justify his choice to herself as she she hasn't put her thoughts robustly enough to him.

Either way you shouldn't justify your lifestyle and choices to them if you are happy with them. Work on your own self esteem your choices work for you, if they're really judging you on house size, income,possessions etc then they aren't real friends or worthy of your angst.

MarshaBradyo · 15/06/2019 17:22

I suppose ditch but it’s a hard one, what are the good things about them?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/06/2019 17:25

I'm really surprised she told you that. Couples often make bitchy comments between themselves but for her to repeat it to you indicates that she is either as thick as mince or equally as rude as her DH.

BurnedToast · 15/06/2019 17:31

We have 'friends' like this. We met them 8 years ago,when our then 4 year old sons started school, and were never able to shake them off. I've put up with so many stupid comments over the years of the ilk you're quoting .

I finally decided to end it when they came over last week and spent the entire evening making snide remarks about the fact their son is in the top set and my son isn't, how all the 'chav' kids are in my sons class , boasting about their holiday, boasting about the man's impending final salary pension whilst not so subtly asking about our pensions (meagre and not final salary) and bitching about a mutual friends because her daughter is doing better at school than their son.

I sat there not saying much all night and then said to DH I never want to see them again. I'm nearly 50 and life really is too short to be sat listening to people keeping up with the bloody Jones's and real friends don't try and make you feel crap about your child, house, holiday, car or whatever else.

Unless they have some redeeming features, just ditch them is my advice.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 15/06/2019 17:32

I would take it as a compliment. I am in a similar situation with local friends. But their children have never even left the country. I would take travel over material possessions any day.

MumHowDoYouSpell · 15/06/2019 17:33

@mimp

Hugs

Some people are just horrible, I don't think I would be able to be friends with them again.

BurnedToast · 15/06/2019 17:34

And I'd love a 4 bed house in a nice area with loads of holidays. I suspect they are just jealous because they're spending all their money on school fees, so they're talking out of their jealous arses.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 15/06/2019 17:34

One of the things we discuss is holidays as she likes to go away as well-her DH thinks they are a waste of money.

Stand well back, OP, this is an issue between your friend and her DH. He's using you to make a point to her.

Ridiculous man.

ShowMeTheKittens · 15/06/2019 17:34

He sounds like someone off the Fast Show. Dickhead. Tell him he's a dickhead. I would.

ShowMeTheKittens · 15/06/2019 17:35

PS. also be aware he may never have said it... she did

MaybeitsMaybelline · 15/06/2019 17:35

Not real friends, we have friends that are massively richer than us, and we also have friends that probably think we are massively richer than them. We socialise in places that we can all afford and all share our homes with each other. We all enjoy each other’s company and would do so if we were all on the bones of our arses.

She is not a friend. Don’t let it go, let her go.

paddington34 · 15/06/2019 17:37

your friend sounds jealous of your lifestyle and was likely moaning to her DH that you have lots of holidays and they dont. Keep enjoying your life.

redspider1 · 15/06/2019 17:50

He is a twat with a massive chip on his shoulder. He feels the need to measure his 'success' against others. Hate people like that. I wouldn't holiday with him again.

Littlemisslists · 15/06/2019 17:54

He sounds like a dick but I think your reaction says a lot about you. If someone I barely knew or like said a dickish comment about me I wouldn’t give it a second thought .

redspider1 · 15/06/2019 17:56

I have a sort of family member a bit like that. We have lived in our 3 bed semi in a nice area for 18 years. We've repaid the mortgage and could afford to move on someone bigger but have chosen to stay put as we love it here and would only be moving on because other have. We don't need to, teens are set for uni etc, we don't need extra space or extra debt. He thinks we must be hard-up and pokes and prods and bring the conversation round to finance and houses every time. We only see him if we have to. He is a twat too.

LuckyLou7 · 15/06/2019 19:03

My BIL is the type of man who can't talk about anything without mentioning the price of it.

Me: Nice shirt!

Him: £125 from Boss, smart huh?
DH: New garden furniture? Looks good
Him: Yeah, absolute steal at 5K and check out the decking - 2K all in.
DD: Hot tub looks fantastic
Him: Only cost £5995, got it shipped from Sweden

And on and on and on and on...
He's so dull even the fact he's minted doesn't make him interesting.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/06/2019 19:25

“ A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing” - Oscar Wilde

TotorosNeighbour · 15/06/2019 19:59

This doesn't sound quite right. I am sure They must be the poor ones, that's why they had to take charity from their parents

Tigerlilly17 · 16/06/2019 17:35

I think they are secretly jealous of your fabulous holidays. They may have had a big hand in getting where they are but obviously can’t match your lovely holiday style. Stuff em. Friendship is about valuing others for who they are, not what they have. At the end of the day, our graves are all the same size .

Icepinkeskimo · 16/06/2019 17:40

OP, ditch these so called 'friends' it's pretty pathetic when someone starts googling stuff about you and then sees fit to make comments like that.

I'd take beautiful holidays over a big house any day of the week, you have great memories, while you are going to be looking back on beautiful travels, they will be looking back on the memories of Farrow and Ball Elephants breath! 😂

They are judgemental and self serving, they sound vile.

Don't you change for anyone you sound lovely.

1forAll74 · 16/06/2019 17:44

Oh they sound like such awful people, but sadly,there are people all over with this idiot way of thinking. The guy sounds odd and insecure,which is strange,as they have what is a good lifestyle it seems.

PolarBearkshire · 16/06/2019 17:54

They also could say you are ugly or dumb . It actually really does not matter what they say - you only can be hurt if you feel poor and if yiu are trying hard “to fit in with the joneses”. Maybe evaluate your self integrity and self worth?
They can blab whatever they like. You can also go and stir and say “well well thats cheap “. To be hurt to be called poor honestly! I wish i had these problems!
If you are in a running race with the riches be aware they will always be on the top! Stop running. Love and appreciate your life or it can be gone in one moment! And best not to spend so much on holidays - its some lower class wannabe behaviour. Working class even puts on credit cards just to show off their sad 2 weeks in Mexico...
Riches visit friends villas and spend little - observe!

teraculum29 · 16/06/2019 18:00

sorry to say, but your friend is rude snob, who likes look down on people.

Shezow · 16/06/2019 18:03

Wow they are the poor ones...spending all their money on materialistic stuff, whilst you spend it on life experiences and holidays, tell them thank you for noticing

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