AIBU to be upset that I have been told I'm poor by friend

[mimp]

Was away with my friend for a couple of days and we were catching up, chatting etc. My DH and I like to holiday and do spend a fair amount each year on holidays. Her DH husband said the reason we are poor and live in a small house is because we spend all our money on holidays.
As a bit of history, they live in a 1.6 million house so pretty large 5 bed, but this has been funded mostly by their parents. My DH and I have done everything ourselves (no help from parents) we live in a 4 bed medium size house. We both live in the same town, very good area. My kids are in local outstanding state school. Their child is at a local private school.
I feel stupidly hurt by the remarks. They have clearly had a lot of help and we have done everything ourselves. I am proud of what we have achieved and I can't help but feel because we are not rich more average they do look down on us. Is this real friendship, my DH says let it go, but surely a friend would respect you for who you are?
Has anyone had this happen to them? Did they keep the friendship or ditch?

I think I’d have laughed that comment off to be honest (& secretly filed him away under T for twat) and replied something like “I hardly think we fall in the ‘poor’ category!

Do you know what poor is?

We live a very comfortable life & distribute our money in the places that bring us joy & that we are happy with. Your choice is bricks & mortar and things, our choice is travel which brings happiness, memories, valuable time together enjoying our lives. Each to their own. We are very happy with the balance we’ve earned, achieved & created. Different to you, doesn’t equal ‘poor’ my love”.
(I’d have added ‘my love’ on the end just to patronise him back!)

Move on OP. He’s not worth your brain power.

Why can you possibly care if people think you are poor?

I'd rather play poor than rich frankly, it makes life so much easier. You are not expected to do anything, to make huge donations to the friends various charities and charity events, you can get away from doing anything because you can play the "I am broke" card.

People get jealous and bitter easily, it's much easier and healthier to keep a low profile. Who cares?

Good. I'd rather be "poor" (and you obviously are not) and spend lots of money on holidays and broaden the mind than the the kind of judgemental, status seeking entitled tosser that the DH obviously is. One wonders what he thinks of people who (gasp) RENT a house or even live in a Council flat.

Well it’s really difficult to say without context. Do you ever winge about not having enough money/do that horrid thing where you disapprove of wealth/dig at them for not having enough holidays etc? I usually try to think of what I could have done to provoke the statement first and if can’t think of anything I conclude that the stator is the one who is in the wrong. From what you describe I would hazard a guess and think the husband had a complex about money but it’s impossible to say without knowing more.

to them you appear poor as you live in a smaller house than they do.

It is they that are lacking though, they are poor in people skills, poor in compassion, poor in gratitude.

That sort of attitude would be a dealbreaker for me. What you do is up to you, but your friends sound like wankers!

I’m wondering why no one has told you to get over yourself. Have you seen the state of inequality in this country? Food banks? Not knowing where their next rent payment is coming from? This seems pathetic compared to actual poor people’s genuine worries.

Ask them how much they've been helped by parents and what they'd be doing otherwise.

It's proven by studies that most parents with parental help don't seem to acknowledge the impact it has on their lives.

And you're living standards sound pretty good to me.

As an aside....never judge books by covers.....I've come across plenty of loaded people who live in low cost housing/drive cheap cars, etc. whilst plenty of people look loaded but couldn't last two months without a pay cheque to keep the pack of cards going

There are many posts about giving up the friendship. If you value the friendship, have a discussion about the comment, but first be clear and strong about what your values are. What is important to you and your DH. We are similar. We love to travel and make life decisions that include family, travel and living our life authentically. Many of our friends are miles ahead of us, but we are happy. Our children are thriving and we travel. Be strong in yourself. You can't control how speak about you, but you can control how you are.

Well the DH clearly needs a better hobby and someone to remind him that he's had a lot of help from the bank of mum and dad and she either didn't engage her brain before she said anything or she's as bad as he is. You're quite right to be annoyed, but try to only let it bother you for a little bit and then move forward but maybe file it under "Keep an eye on these people".

Take vacations, go as many places as you can, you can always make money, you can’t awakes make memories.

You are rich in love, life and family.
They are poor as they are arrogant and ill-educated.
Carry on, go on holiday & enjoy your 4 bed

Anyone who makes you feel like you are unworthy, less of a person for superficial reasons like those stated don’t need to be in your life. I would absolutely never make my friends feel like that and I wouldn’t tolerate it in return either.
Just do what makes you happy and don’t judge your successes by someone else’s.

I would just laugh it off and feel sorry for them and their shallow lives. What twats!

It's a sad reflection of the times we live in that a person's relative wealth can be used to judge them in such a way. Money is just a thing. The most important concern is happiness.

And the DH who came out with the remarks probably isn't happy (but probably IS a bit of a bellend!)

You are not poor, they are ....in manners!
They may consider themselves to be wealthy when, in fact, their parents are!
It would seem that the things you have you have worked for, not been given. They have not.
I would count my blessings and put the remark firmly out of my mind.

I’m wondering why no one has told you to get over yourself. Have you seen the state of inequality in this country?

oh, go away.

At least half (and I am being generous) of issues on this forum are First World problems. They are still valid.

The OP is perfectly entitled to feel hurt because of a friend. The state of the world and this country is completely irrelevant.

Tell the husband that you are not materialistic and value having experiences and good friendships over acquiring stuff.

Ignore it. Sounds to me like he's manipulating his wife to think the same way as him... What's important etc
You were collateral he was making a point to His wife

I wonder if it's a bit of a self esteem thing on his part? I'm imagining he hasn't got an amazing prestigious career.

E.g. I know doctors and military officers who don't have time to get an ok looking house or flat or lifestyle because they are just too busy working (but they do have the whole "feeling they've gained acceptance to a fairly well qualified , respected prestigious , elite group ")

Whereas acquaintances who have made lots of money from property or got it off parents or through weird methods might feel their social status is only connected to a fluke.

So they take out on others the negative feeling they get from that internal "imposter syndrome" ? he's sitting in a house he hasn't got through passing X entrance exam or winning Y position so feels a bit weird about it.

Personally I'd just ghost\drop them and enjoy your nice life and your own financial goals rather than worry about "witty comebacks " or "making a point" to them . With people like that you'll just go round and round in circles.

I had a friend who used to tell me I would always be poor and once she said it in front of other people at a cafe.

I lived alone at that stage. It was cheaper to buy toast (breakfast) only when I was hungry at the coffee shop downstairs. It was also delicious. I didn’t do it every day. Only when I was really hungry.

It didn’t make sense to buy bread for just one person as it would go stale or worse - I would night eat.

Anyway, she had received a very large inheritance when she was quite young and used this to buy properly. While everyone else was struggling to pay their student loans and working in grad positions she bought her first apartment, rented it out and went travelling for 18 months to “find herself”.

She also had money given to her by her parents - new car, engagement party etc.

Another person I knew earned significantly less than me yet had a house in one of the most expensive suburbs in our city. Bought with her parents money.

She used to go on about how I should buy property and even tried to get me to buy a holiday house for her to use (when her family holiday house was about to be sold). She made a big deal of the “estate”. I went there. It was damp, dirty, tiny and becoming dilapidated. But the way she lorded that property over me as this amazing estate was something else.

Both of these friends were and are massive assholes - much like your friend. Just fuck them off.

Golly, your friend sounds very insecure!

I am a working class gal who married a lower middle class boy and the pair of us worked our *rses off to do afford our nice house. We sent our children to the local prep school being types who value education above all else and found the parents of the other kids ridiculously well off.

While we were living off baked beans to pay the fees other parents were living the billionaire high life. We took plenty of no notice and found they were perfectly pleasant to us though bemused at our comparative ‘poverty’. The children did extremely well academically and have become thinkers, readers and hard workers. This is what we wanted and the education was worth every penny.

I should do what we did with the snobby friend and ‘take plenty of no notice’. Money is as money does. Not important in itself. It’s what you do yourself that counts.

They’re twats.

Did he offer to remedy your poverty by giving you some cash? If not tell him he is a pretentious dick head or even better tell him I said it! 😝

Definitely say something as it's a rude comment.