AIBU to expect school to be sensitive to my child who has just lost her father

[itsallabouttheponies]

I am fuming, my beautiful sweet 8 year old lost her dad last week to suicide which has left the whole fallibly devastated. She has been back at school since Monday and is being so brave about it, yesterday she came out and told me they had made fathers days cards in class. Her teacher told her to choose somebody else to write the card to while all of the other children wrote to their dads. AIBU is suggesting the teacher was fucking insensitive to my daughters lose and it should of been discussed with me, I could have picked her up from school or even taken her to read a book but at barely a week after losing her dad who in their right mind would do this???

YANBU. How thoughtless. to you both at this very tough time.

That is hugely insensitive and I would be really upset. It's only been a week.

If they wanted to do something for all the other kids, which is understandable, they could have invented a reason to get her out of the class, or just been honest and taken her to the library for a chat with a classroom assistant or something while the others did their thing.
They told her to choose a replacement dad figure to send her card to a week after her dad died? That's awful.

Oh OP, that is so sad. YANBU, I think it would be worth a chat with the teacher.

Wow yanbu. They should have pre warned you so you could take her home.

That is spectacularly insensitive. To the point where one wonders if the teacher actually has enough sense to be teaching.

Wow, I think in this situation it would have been right for the teacher not to do a Father’s Day thing at all (I’m a teacher!).

I know - I'm so shocked at the insensitivity of it I haven't said anything to school yet, I will go in on Monday but it won't change anything, she still had to sit there for a whole lesson doing an activity based on fathers. She chose her cousins who she doesn't see very much but adores and wrote a lovely message about how she's sorry they are sad about their uncle. I'm so upset by how a teacher could have so little empathy for a child in their class.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from the teacher especially since it's so recent and so raw. I hate school making them in general anyway because not all kids have fathers that are around. My DS school didn't do anything for and I think it's a good thing.

I would be having word with the head, she should have warned I so that u could have taken her home or she should have been sent to another class.

Teacher here, definitely not okay. We discussed what to do with children who don't have fathers present when the class made cards (not my idea, I wouldn't do it normally for these very kind of situations). And these were children who had not suffered a recent bereavement. If your daughter had been in my class there's no way we'd have gone down even mentioning father's day. It's not a religious day, so no significance to it that I can see. We'd have made something else or done a different activity.

YANBU and I hope your daughter manages to get through this weekend okay

It was insensitive but I suspect the activity was planned and the teacher wasn't thinking at the time, often there's multiple kids in non standard family situations but the fact it was so recent makes it a bit wrong, they could have asked her to do a "special job" in the school office for instance

I'm truly appalled by that op

I can remember helping in DS's class when they were doing this and thinking how unfair on those who never saw their dads. I don't really think they should do this at all - for Mother's Day either.

Teacher here too. That's absolutely awful OP that teach is insensitive at best. Definitely complain to school. They should be bending over backwards for her not making life harder.

We stopped making cards for parents years ago at my school and that was mainly because of split families. This was incredibly insensitive.

Absolutely awful.

That is fucking awful. Just for this year at least, the teacher could have completely avoided father's day activities. This would not be pandering to your child, but an entirely reasonable response to such a monumental bereavement. The other children could have coped I think! Teacher could have got everyone making a collage or some other art activity. Written complaint to the headteacher.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost a son to suicide so I empathise deeply with you and your child.

That's so heartless OP. I'm so sorry for you and your little girl. Very insensitive.

Yes, this was awful if the schol.

Both Mothers and Fathers Day can present challenges to schools because of the mismatch with pupils' family circumstances (and it is often the most vulnerable who are in situations where the loss/absence is felt most keenly). With tactful management, it can be achieved (so it becomes a celebration of important women or men in their lives, or one parent being both)

But in the days immediately after one classmate is bereaved of a father? No, the activity should have been changed.

I am very sorry for your loss.

The teacher behaved appallingly - inhumanely even. It’s shocking that she would lack even a basic shred of empathy. I am not sure I could trust her with my child anymore.

At my DCs school they have a policy of not celebrating or referring to the celebration in any way if a child in the class has lost a father or mother.

Just for this year at least, the teacher could have completely avoided father's day activities

Totally agree. They’re year 3 not toddlers. They could cope without making cards.

Very very insensitive given the recent timing of her bereavement. I would speak to the head.
My children lived all their primary school lives in a similar position. The teachers were more sensitive and would take them to one side to ask if they wanted to make a card, and if they wanted to make one for someone else. They sometimes made a card for their brother- or even a card for their late dad- because they wanted to do what the other kids were doing, they wanted to be included in the class activity and not be singled out. Thank gif they're both at secondary now and there is none of this none sense. It was painful for them and I could never display their cards. I just said something like "That's lovely" and put them quietly away. Even years later, it's painful for them ... but to be THAT insensitive immediately after such a traumatic loss is unforgiveable.
Speak to the head- not to get the teacher "into trouble" but because the school as a whole needs to rethink its approach and make sure there is a system in place to avoid children being hurt on occasions like this.

This is beyond belief! Your poor poor DD. So sorry for your loss OP

After such a recent loss, of course it's insensitive.

I don't agree that the whole thing should be cancelled.
In some school, it's planned for weeks and it involves the whole school - each in their class. You don't just cancel something like that.

It's still not difficult to have a word with the parent, and take the child away to do something else!

My mum was teaching a similar age group 20+ years ago and would definitely NOT have done this activity with a recent bereaved child in the class.

I'm so sorry, OP. I'm usually the first to defend teachers on these threads, but that is utterly insensitive and misjudged. They should not have put your poor dd in that situation so soon after a bereavement. I'm shocked that they did.

I think I would have a word with the headteacher about this. The teacher should have known better.

I hate this in general but wow that is awful. My son made a fathers day card yesterday for his father who he hasn’t seen in 2 years. I really wish they would stop the whole Mother’s Day/Father’s Day thing at school.