AIBU to expect school to be sensitive to my child who has just lost her father

[itsallabouttheponies]

I am fuming, my beautiful sweet 8 year old lost her dad last week to suicide which has left the whole fallibly devastated. She has been back at school since Monday and is being so brave about it, yesterday she came out and told me they had made fathers days cards in class. Her teacher told her to choose somebody else to write the card to while all of the other children wrote to their dads. AIBU is suggesting the teacher was fucking insensitive to my daughters lose and it should of been discussed with me, I could have picked her up from school or even taken her to read a book but at barely a week after losing her dad who in their right mind would do this???

Going back to school so soon can’t have helped either.

What are you saying?

I just wish they had talked to me about it so I could have made a decision about what was best for her. The teacher knows what has happened and I spoke to her every morning to ask how my daughter was coping, she reassured me she was fine and they would contact me if there were any concerns. I understand they maybe couldn't have cancelled the card making but I would have come into school to take her out to read a book or keep her at home, anything to protect her from having to deal with her loss in front of the class. I am a governor at the school so will be making a formal complaint and raising this at the next meeting - the point about safeguarding is a good one, thank you for the supportive messages

Definitely speak to the head about this OP, it was totally unacceptable. Your DD's teacher should have been more aware of your DD than ever this week. The idea that a teacher could 'forget' or this could 'slip through' simply because there are 29 or so other children is the clad is ridiculous.

I'm so sorry this has happened. I do hope your DD is coping ok

Good luck OP, you’re absolutely in the right to raise it. It seems to have been very badly handled. 💐

She loves school and wanted to go back to be with her friends - I was there to pick her up at any time if needed, she also spent time with the ELSA who has been really supportive

Going back to school so soon can’t have helped either
I'm sure op let her dd decide when she felt she wanted to go back which i did with mine too and was the right thing to do

Yabbers, that's disgusting think to say, routine is good for children and if she wanted to go back, she goes back. My ds had 2 days off in total and that was fine for him

@itsallabouttheponies I'm a nursery teacher...I had this yesterday.

One of the children lost her dad last year so I knew this was going to be a sensitive time
I asked her what she would like to make. I said we could do a nice picture or a card to take home or we could go and play somewhere else.

She is only 4 and insisted we make a card for her daddy in the clouds. So we started making her card then she said “but how will I know when he opens it?”

So she said “no let’s put some glitter inside and when he opens it the glitter will fall onto the ground then I will know”

So I put blue glitter in because that’s his favourite colour and put it in an envelope then she said “but it’s rained a lot lately so if it gets wet it will get ruined” so we laminated it and put it in a plastic wallet.

I sent it home with a note to mum explaining that this is what she had asked and mum was so happy and we all nearly had tears.

It's really tricky and I think the school should have been more sensitive

So insensitive. Please speak to the headteacher.

@Waterlemon Were you advised to do this even if the child had lost their dad the week before and would still be in shock but had chosen to return to school? If so i don't agree with the advice you were given. It would be a good thing to do a bit later but would have been totally wrong and very distressing that soon after for my children.

I'm so so sorry for your family's loss

My DHs dear friend committed suicide last week, it has shocked us and we are devastated, I can only imagine how you and your DD are feeling.

In this circumstance, with is being so so recent, yes you should have had the opportunity to discuss what your DD should do at the time the rest of her class were making Father's Day cards.

The poster who said a child in a similar situation made a card 1:1 with a teacher, with the lovely phrase about they will always love them and to keep on watching over them sounds lovely.... maybe it would be too soon this year... perhaps not, you know your DD best and this is something you definitely should have had the opportunity to speak with her teacher about. It seems incredibly insensitive that you have spoken with the teacher most morning yet they failed to even mention this to you.

I hate all the talk of getting the child to make a card for someone else or suggesting they do another activity. That still seems so insensitive to me and such a mean way to make them feel different and singled out.

I hate the whole emphasis schools put on Mothers Day and Fathers Day cards. There is likely to be at least one child in each class who has lost one or the other. Or in foster care, and not all fostered children are in contact with their parents. Singling these children out from the rest of the class just draws attention to their situation and can cause a lot of distress. Sometimes children don't want everyone to know and that's their right.

The teacher was insenitive and should be reported to the head teacher. And all schools need to review their approach to Mothers and Fathers days.

I'm so sorry to read this! This is just awful!
I lost my dad to suicide when I was about the same age, and my stepdad had a heart attack a couple of years later, I think I would have cried if I was made to do Father's Day cards... that's something that sticks with you for a long time.
I hope you give those teachers what for 💐 I'm sorry for your loss op

it's extremely insensitive and also horrible for those children who don't have a dad for whatever reason.

Very insensitive of the school. In my dc2's class this year one of the dc has recently lost her dad as well, although they normally do make Father's Day cards this year they didn't do anything which I thought was absolutely the appropriate thing to do.

I’m so sorry your family is going through this.

My daughter’s class didn’t ‘do’ Father’s Day this year. Her class includes a child who lost their father to suicide in the last year, and a child who no longer has contact with her father after abuse and is still very fragile. Other classes in the school did cards. The decision was taken not to include that class. We did a card at home.

@loutyre I hope you gave mum a little extra glitter so she can scatter it for her DD to find :-) Many condolences OP. Raising it as a governor is the best course, I think. It’s a whole school issue with many possible solutions.

I cannot see any need for schools to be making these cards at all - so many children have split families or do not see one parent. There are plenty of other things the teachers could be doing.

Your poor lass - how very insensitive, and wholly unnecessary.

@Megs4x3 yes I put some in a little pouch for Mum she said I will scatter it on the ground on Sunday.

This is horrific. Our school doesn’t do Father’s Day cards at all. They do Mother’s Day, which seems odd. But with a child so recently bereaved, I would absolutely expect them not to do the activity.

It’s unforgivable that the teacher didn’t mention her plans to you when you’ve spoken to her every morning.

I don't think schools need to ban mothers/father's day stuff completely. They just need to do it with a lot more sensitivity. As I said in PP, my kids lost their dad when they were v young and father's day was painful.... but when mother's day came around, when they were still little, I wouldn't have got anything at all on mother's day if they hadn't have made a card at school. And I know that would have been painful too...
Just thinking of the consequences for some families if schools decided to do nothing at all. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, there is a middle way.

It’s extremely insensitive of the teacher.

If she felt that she couldn’t change the planned activity for whatever reason (and I agree with pp who said the class shouldn’t have done Fathers Day cards at all under the circumstances), then at the very least she should have spoken to OP about the planned activity in advance.

OP. Truly awful of the teacher. So sorry for your family's loss.

It's good that you a governor as you can ensure it is raised, hopefully you can ensure that more thought is given in future not just for your daughter but many others who no doubt may be dealing with similar losses.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes the school are at fault here. Ours don't do Mother's/Father's Day cards, too complex. Surely it's a preschool activity anyway, and if the child doesn't have the relevant carer to make a card for they just do some cutting and sticking and are oblivious of the subtext.