AIBU to expect school to be sensitive to my child who has just lost her father

[itsallabouttheponies]

I am fuming, my beautiful sweet 8 year old lost her dad last week to suicide which has left the whole fallibly devastated. She has been back at school since Monday and is being so brave about it, yesterday she came out and told me they had made fathers days cards in class. Her teacher told her to choose somebody else to write the card to while all of the other children wrote to their dads. AIBU is suggesting the teacher was fucking insensitive to my daughters lose and it should of been discussed with me, I could have picked her up from school or even taken her to read a book but at barely a week after losing her dad who in their right mind would do this???

I think this was totally insensitive. I am sure the parents of the other children in the class would have understood why cards weren't being made this year, and could have made them at home if wanted.

I'm a cm so also make cards for various occasions with my mindees . I currently have one child who's father is alive, but has no contact with her (his choice) and 2 children whose fathers live abroad with very limited contact, and 1 child who's father is dead.

So, over the last couple of weeks, I've provided cards, pens, stickers, glitter etc and the children have made generic cards with no mention of father's day.

Some of my pre schoolers do have father's around, so I simply wrote " happy father's day" on those and popped them into an envelope to take home.

The older children took their cards home to give to whoever they wished.

I felt this was a sensitive compromise without making a big deal about it.

Hope your daughter is okay OP x x

Appallingly insensitive. I would echo pps comments to speak to th3 head. So sorry for your and your daughter’s loss.

this is not ok.im so sorry for your loss.big hugs to you and your dd.keep her talking about it if she needs to.i imagine this brought up lots of confusing feelings.
maybe talk about tomorrow also?would she like to do something special to rememebr dad or just do somethign compltely different together so she doesnt think about it.

I agree with you completely. As I teacher I do not do Mother's Day or Father's Day for this very reason.

I am so sorry for your loss. 35 years ago our dm's death came just days before Mother's Day. My dsis was in Primary then and her teacher did the same and went ahead with making Mother's Day cards. I don't think I had ever seen df so angry. He complained and to the Governors and got a written apology. You need to complain too, it won't make what has happened right but it will make them reassess for future occasions.

Incredibly insensitive and a lack of duty of care. This is a young child in the school's care. You're even a governor in the school. How, just how, could the teacher just merrily do this?

Please say something to the Head. There was such a disconnect in the classroom, I do think the Head needs to be aware and the staff needs sensitivity training.

I don't expect it was deliberate. It was probably forgotten about. I understand that to you it's unthatamable that it could be forgotten, but you've a class with 30 child all with needs and things. It slipped through the cracks.

Ouch. If that were the case, that would make it even worse.

Bloody hell. I love getting the fathers day/mothers day cards my kids make at school but I would much much rather they didn't make them if there was a child at school in the horrible situation of just having lost their parent. How insensitive.

I'd also be horrified if they managed to forget such an important event in a child's life after only a week. A child in a different year at DC's school lost a parent and the class teacher went on a course in her own time to learn how to support bereaved children.

That's appalling OP - I'm so sorry your DD had to go through that. I don't care if it was an activity that had been planned - either it should've been scrapped as a result of your DD's loss just one week ago, or you should have been warned and allowed to collect her early. Shockingly insensitive of the teacher

I love the mothers day and fathers dat tat gifts and cards our DCs bring home but would gladly go without forever if it was upsetting any of the children in his class. The insensitivity of telling the child to just do a card for someone else is astonishing.

And @StCharlotte

If a teacher with a class of 30 doesn't have the capacity to remember that one of their pupil's fathers died the previous week, I would question their ability to remember other important stuff. Like medical conditions or how many children they have in the class

Apologies @stCharlotte.

Just realised you were quoting someone else

This stuff becomes so important to DC. My nephew lost his dad just before christmas (he was 7 at the time) and he was already stressing about what he was going to do at school when it was father's day :(

I know the damage is done for your poor DD now, but I would still tell the school about it if only to prevent another child suffering the same.

There was another thread about this a few months ago and the consensus was that really schools shouldn't be doing at all. SOme parents felt that as they were a single parent the only way they'd ge a card was if the school got DC to make one - most people were happy to forgo getting a card to prevent young children being upset about not having a mum or dad for whatever reason.

maybe the time has come to just have one day a year when we can honor those people who contribute positively to our lives, be that a parent, grandparent, other relative, teacher, caregiver or friend etc.

Sorry for your loss OP. Having lost my DB to the same, understand how bloody hard it is. Sounds as though your DD was very brave I’m going back to school (it was hard enough to go to work and face insensitive comments ) and there’s no way your DD should have been subjected to that. Complaint needed to the school (which you’re doing).

I hate all the talk of getting the child to make a card for someone else or suggesting they do another activity. That still seems so insensitive to me and such a mean way to make them feel different and singled out.

Not only is your mum/dad gone but you have to make the card you wish you could give to them for somebody else entirely, just in case it didn't already hurt enough that you can't give your parent a card or tell them you love them... Whilst surrounded by children who still have the person you've lost and are merrily making cards for them.

Horrific.

YANBU at all. The teacher was utterly disgraceful and I say this as a teacher myself.

This should not have happened, they should have informed you in advance and either given you the option to take her out of school or removed her from the classroom to do something else. I would complain to the head. She is eight and heartbroken, it goes beyond thoughtless really.

Been in this situation, but with the Mexican Day of the Dead "celebration " Won't go into details as it will out me, but needless to say I went ballistic at the school. People can be so insensitive. for you and am so sorry for your loss

This is bad. Sorry for your loss, OP. The teacher needs some feedback on this but it's done now so try to focus on helping your daughter come to terms with her loss. Sending love

This was very badly handled. Particularly with OP's update that the teacher is well aware of the situation. Prior to that, I might have thought the teacher either didn't know or had forgotten (I know that sounds awful but in a big class, especially in a high-pressure sort of school, things like that can slip a teacher's mind. They shouldn't, but they do.) Though my DS' class teacher was very good and understanding when my father died and I let the school know that DS had lost his grandad and might be unsettled and upset for a while.
I agree with OP that raising it with the school is necessary - speak to the Head and if the head's no good then go to the governors.

And I'm sorry for your loss.

Disgusting! I'm appalled on your behalf OP.
I'm so sorry for your loss

Waterlemon Were you advised to do this even if the child had lost their dad the week before and would still be in shock but had chosen to return to school? If so i don't agree with the advice you were given. It would be a good thing to do a bit later but would have been totally wrong and very distressing that soon after for my children.

It was a couple of weeks - maybe 2/3.
Quite difficult circumstances. (Hence outside agency involvement)

But we still spoke to the family/carers and child beforehand. Importantly, The child was given a choice.
They got to make their cards with a familiar adult 1:1. In an area outside the classroom that is used for small groups to do art/creative activities. The other children also made theirs there at different times. So a bit more discrete than everyone in the classroom making cards at the same time.

This is dreadful. I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Definitely complain.

Totally unacceptable. I was a young widow, with primary aged children, and the thought of mine having to sit through that class has made me cry - and my daughters are a lot older now. Perhaps anyone who thinks the activity was acceptable in the circumstances you've described could just try to put themselves in your 8 year old's shoes for just one minute and see if they could just begin to imagine what they must have been feeling. 💐for you @itsallabouttheponies, and I send you strength to get through the days ahead. Xxx

I'm not one for being over sensitive and complaining but you really need to kick up a stink about this, I've a very vivid memory of a classroom assistant coming in and asking for the girl with the dead mum to be taken out when Mother's Day cards were made one year. Schools need to just check themselves and really think about how those actions affect bereaved children and it's not about avoiding doing it for the year afterwards. Children who have lost a parent feel so very different forever.

@loutyre - how lovely and thank you for responding. Your pupils are lucky to have you as their teacher; their parents too.