AIBU to expect school to be sensitive to my child who has just lost her father

[itsallabouttheponies]

I am fuming, my beautiful sweet 8 year old lost her dad last week to suicide which has left the whole fallibly devastated. She has been back at school since Monday and is being so brave about it, yesterday she came out and told me they had made fathers days cards in class. Her teacher told her to choose somebody else to write the card to while all of the other children wrote to their dads. AIBU is suggesting the teacher was fucking insensitive to my daughters lose and it should of been discussed with me, I could have picked her up from school or even taken her to read a book but at barely a week after losing her dad who in their right mind would do this???

transformandriseup

I get your point, but if I follow your example, it would mean banning the collection for the traditional baby gift, not asking the bereaved mother. You wouldn't ask a very heavily pregnant colleague to stop coming to work to avoid upsetting the mother who has suffered a loss.

It's better, and more practical, to learn to be considerate to others and work around things, than trying to cancel and pretend events do not happen.

So sorry for your loss.

I work at a school and was in a very similar situation on mother’s day.

We had support from trauma councillors and social services who all recommended that we went ahead and made cards as usual.

It was recommended that we made a memory box with the child and they could place their card in there.

www.winstonswish.org/how-to-use-a-memory-box-with-bereaved-children-and-young-people/

We were told to absolutely go ahead with mother’s day - the child still had a parent to celebrate, it was just that they were no longer here to celebrate with. The bereaved child needs opportunities to discuss their parent, by avoiding difficult situations like mothers/Father’s Day and other opportunities to discuss them, it makes the child feel like it is a taboo subject so they internalise their grief.

The activity still needs to be dealt with sensitively. Our child made theirs 1:1 with an adult before the other children made theirs. The child was also given the choice of making a card or not.

This is horrific. Im a teacher, this needs escalating to the head teacher. The teacher has been completely insensitive and out of order. Im so sorry for your loss.

That is incredibly insensitive OP. Poor child. There is no need to celebrate ‘hallmark’ celebrations in school and they can be very divisive for the children involved.
Even if it had been planned for weeks, so what? Plan something else that is inclusive. That’s just part of teaching and the teachers I’ve worked with would have never have gone ahead with an activity that singled a pupil out like that. Just lazy and cruel to do so.

clayfray, I'm sorry but slipping through the cracks and being one of 30 in a class. is no excuse. This child lost her father to suicide one week ago. This is not a usual event its very unusul. I can't imagine any teacher forgetting or not realising how making a fathers day card in those circumstances would affect her. If so I'm really not sure she should be teaching young children.
And normally I am a defender of teachers because I know what a very difficult job they have.

Chooses someone else to write it to????

Dear God!

As an adult who lost her mum 20yrs ago that would have had me in tears.

If it was cancelled it would obviously have been a blow to those who were relying on it, but no where near as bad as what happened to Op's daughter.

Christ this is awful. Our school always do fathers and Mother's Day cards but this year a family just lost their dad (also a week ago) and of course no Father's Day cards have come home this year. It wasn't even mentioned. Because our teachers aren't nasty insensitive bastards. Please please do complain.

If your DD was off school last week then if they really HAD to do the card making, they should have got on with it then, when the bereaved child wasn't there.

20 years ago we didn't do this in school as its too emotive for many children.

1 week later is horrific.

My kids first fathers day since their dad died too. 6yo came home from school with a card for daddy. One of the teachers sat with him and help him to write "I love you, never stop watching over me" Made me cry but was really glad he got the same opportunity to write to his dad the same as all of his friends.

I have a tear in my eye from this. It's lovely, but even this would have been insensitive just one week afterwards. There should have been no focus on fathers whatsoever, given the circumstances.

Chooses someone else to write it to????

Dear God!

As an adult who lost her mum 20yrs ago that would have had me in tears.

And as an adult who lost their only sibling in childhood and their mother very suddenly much more recently, it wouldn’t have had me in tears. But even if it did, doesn’t automatically mean it would be the wrong decision.

It’s a hard call. These mother/father’s day card writing activities are problematic for a number of reasons. The teacher doesn’t appear to have handled the situation at all well. I’m just not convinced that no activity whatsoever would have been the way forward.

Some teachers are insensitive my ds lost his dad this year and I spoke to his cub leader about doing a birthday card for his grandad ( birthday next week), I told my BF who is a teacher and she went on about how it's the same for children who call their father's, something else such as bubba! I just ignored her but wondered how that is in anyway comparable.
Hope your dd is doing well, 5 months later my ds is doing great. Have to say my ds's teachers have been great and the head and principal came to the funeral, which really touched me

As a teacher I'd be horrified if one of my colleagues did that activity without any provision for your daughter. Personally I think it was inappropriate for it to be done at all.

I don’t think Father’s Day card making should be cancelled just because some kids in the class come from split families.
But in this instance I don’t see why your dd couldn’t have done something else.

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. My dh/children's dad died suddenly last year and i know youngest's primary school would never have done that. It displays a spectacular lack of sensitivity.

How horrible for your daughter! Why couldn't the Teacher or LA sit with her and do a card and let her have the opportunity to talk about her dad. Or they should of done something else.

" These mother/father’s day card writing activities are problematic for a number of reasons."

I agree-and that's in general.

But when there's specific knowledge that a child's father has just died...

But in this instance I don’t see why your dd couldn’t have done something else.

The problem is, I think, if it was explicitly a father’s day card making activity the rest of the class were involved in, what is the other activity OP’s daughter could do instead? Where would she do it? In the same classroom? In that case she wouldn’t really be ‘escaping’ the activity.

I agree with pp that your DD should have been taken out of class for this activity, although there's a possibility that this would have made her feel worse. You can't stop it for everyone, there may be other fathers at death's door for all you know.

My children were bereaved pre-primary and instructed to make a card for 'whoever dies the Dad things for you' - I got it and displayed it.

There was a strong expressed view in their assemblies that two parents are necessary for a loved and happy upbringing and this I did object to, vociferously. (Not a church school, state primary with keenly Christian head)

@floraloctopus, I’d also worry about the ethos of the school. The best places I’ve worked at had a culture where as a teacher or ta you were comfortable discussing issues like that before the event. ‘Poor Mollie, why are you doing with the class now for fathers day?’

It beggars belief that some posters are trying to excuse this, saying it should have still gone ahead or the ops dd could have done something else. I remember after my mum died when I was a child often feeling very confused as to why adults in my life weren't being kinder to me. I can see why now. Many people are total cunts.

As a teacher I’ve had similar situations.
With such a recent loss I would have either not done it at all or get another member of staff to take the child out to do something else.

Every year group will have a child who doesn’t have a dad for whatever reason. You have to be sensitive to this.

In some school, it's planned for weeks and it involves the whole school - each in their class. You don't just cancel something like that
I was a teacher and it is perfectly possible to change plans, at a moment's notice if need be.

My children were bereaved pre-primary and instructed to make a card for 'whoever dies the Dad things for you' - I got it and displayed it.

That might help address the issue for kids who come from a single parent home or non-conventional set up. Not appropriate in this case however, since OP’s child’s father only died the week previously.

What are “dad things”, btw?

Since the class teacher must have had this activity planned, I think it was really poor foresight not to have at least spoken to OP in advance and asked what the school could do to support her daughter whilst such activities were taking place (perhaps OP would have kept her daughter off school that day).

Mouth open and eyes filled with tears reading your post, OP. Terribly poor judgement from the teacher, how awful for your DD. I'm sorry for your loss. My mum died when I was the same age as your DD and I still remember the kindness and sensitivity of my teachers. I never felt singled out but looking back I can see that I got sent on "special jobs" like a PP suggested and even the headteacher would check on me. Teachers are amazing.

Awful! I’m a teacher and we don’t do anything for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. There are too many children in our school who don’t have a mother or father for all sorts of reasons.

My friend is a teacher in a different school and had to do an assembly on Father’s Day (each class does a different theme). She has a boy whose dad has just passed away and she wanted to do a different theme. She was told no. She asked if the boy could be given the option to not join in. She was told all children must join in.

My point is to maybe check that it wasn’t SLT telling her she had to do it with all children before accusing her of being insensitive. Whoever thought it was an appropriate activity needs to know how awful it would have been for your poor DD.

Sounds very insensitive.

Going back to school so soon can’t have helped either.