AIBU to expect school to be sensitive to my child who has just lost her father

[itsallabouttheponies]

I am fuming, my beautiful sweet 8 year old lost her dad last week to suicide which has left the whole fallibly devastated. She has been back at school since Monday and is being so brave about it, yesterday she came out and told me they had made fathers days cards in class. Her teacher told her to choose somebody else to write the card to while all of the other children wrote to their dads. AIBU is suggesting the teacher was fucking insensitive to my daughters lose and it should of been discussed with me, I could have picked her up from school or even taken her to read a book but at barely a week after losing her dad who in their right mind would do this???

Normally on school threads I think "Do people really go straight to the Head when they could just resolve it direct with the teacher concerned" but in this case I think speaking to the Head is justified.

I'm 46.

I was NEVER in a class where I had to do anything relating to Fathers' Day. I was nearly in one at age 9, but a blunt 'He's dead' to the cover teacher resulted in a quick trip to help the school secretary and work the Banda printer (and I got a chocolate biscuit from the Headmaster's Secret Stash).

If a school could manage that in the 70s, there's no fucking excuse for this four decades later.

I am so sorry to hear this OP, that is so insensitive of the teacher. Personally believe that all “ Parent appreciation days” should be banned in school. It’s 2019, where there is so many different family setups. Sending to you and your daughter at this difficult time

YANBU I would be wild with rage. I would complain to the head about this. What’s next? A homework essay on what you did on Father’s Day? I wouldn’t put it past this stupid stupid teacher.
Sending you a hug and my sincere condolences

So sorry for the loss to both of you

Of course the activity can be changed. Part of the curriculum was changed when my son was in year 2 and triggered by part of planed activity .

At minimum they should of spoken to you op about options.

Like other posters said no one would expect their child to come home with a card in this situation.

My Ds doesn’t see his dad so cubs activities I have always given him the option to go or have the night off.

Children will see father's Day cards in the outside world and perhaps a class room is a good place for a child to be helped to cope with this with a teacher they know well. In DGS class there is a child who had lost her mother and near mother's Day the teacher did a special lesson with the class as she was aware of the outside pressures

I'm a teacher (albeit secondary) and I think it was massively insensitive of the teacher to go ahead with Fathers day cards in your daughter's presence. The poor child lost her father a week ago and is dealing with the huge grief that causes. She really doesn't need it highlighting.

I think the teacher should have spoken to you discreetly so that you could have the option of collecting her early. Even if they couldn't do that, why couldn't she do something with a TA out of the class? Or, if she's that way inclined, help another adult with an 'important' job?

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through

In DGS class there is a child who had lost her mother and near mother's Day the teacher did a special lesson with the class as she was aware of the outside pressures

That would be fine if the school had spoken to the child's parent or carer beforehand AND if the loss of her parent hadn't happened in exceptionally traumatic circumstances a week before the day in question. I'm all for letting children, bereaved and otherwise, understand and feel able to talk about loss, but there's no excuse for a horrible misstep like this so soon after the event and with no discussion beforehand.

I'm so sorry OP. You and your little girl deserve better and you're 100% right to complain.

Im a TA and personally I'd like to scrap Fathers Day AND Mothers Day card for just this reason. At the school I work in we made Fathers Day card this week. I cringed when they were told because in our class alone we have a couple of children who don't have any kind of relationship with their father, another who has gay parents (two women) and another who's father is in prison for assaulting their mother and isn't allowed accesss. I cringed when they were told to just make it for another significant male in their lives, because it really isn't the same. In the class next door one of the children was in a similar situation to the OPs DD and was told to make it for Grandad instead. Just breathtakingly insensitive!

Oh my God this is appalling. I can't believe there are people in this world who are so lacking in sensitivity, especially a bloody teacher who should be attuned to the feelings of the young people they have in their care for such a long part of the day. Your daughter was so brave to go back to school so soon after such a tragic event and I am actually crying for her. I'm so sorry for your loss OP and if you can find the strength I really think you should make a formal complaint about this

Oh my goodness OP, this is appallingly insensitive.

YANBU. I'm a primary school teacher and this is absolutely appalling. So sorry OP. Xx

Op I'm so sorry for your loss. Our circumstances are different in that my dc don't have contact with their father as he was abusive, his actions put them in hospital and as a result he was convicted of child neglect and they do not have any contact. School are very much aware of this and yet they thought it was OK to do Father's Day cards. My dd was told she could do her card for someone else. She's been so upset, she said she doesn't want to think of him and what he did to her whilst she's at school, how it's so unfair that her friends will be talking about all the fun stuff they do with their Dad's and how she was so worried about what to say if one of her friends asked why she was writing her card for someone else. This has brought the traumatic experience back to the front of her mind and she's now not wanting to go to school. The insensitivity from school is just shocking. I honestly don't see why schools have to take part in either mother's or father's day celebrations.

Yes that was very insensitive
I teach and don't do cards if children have lost a parent or if there is a messy separation

A child in my class list her dad 3 years ago
She's 7 so I did not do them this year

Another teacher! Please complain to the head teacher. That is shockingly insensitive!!! That should never have happened!!!

Ex teacher here. I have never got my class to make Father's Day cards because so many of the children did not see their father. For Mothering Sunday I think I only ever had 1 girl without a mum and she was looked after by her gran from birth. She was quite happy to make one for . But I am amazed at the lack of thought and compassion of this teacher.

@itsallabouttheponies I have this battle every year with school. My DD is 8 and we lost DH 4 years ago.

I'm sorry for your loss, feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Oh crikey, that's awful. I imagine it's just part of the standard "do a craft for the holidays" curriculum but that's totally insensitive - especially the teacher's justification!

Your poor daughter. Big hugs to her. What a star she has been.

As a teacher, I never do Mother's Day or Father's Day cards with my class due to such a vast array of family setups. However if I did do them I would absolutely hold off if someone in my class had recently lost a parent. Your child's teacher is very insensitive!

Those saying "but it would have been planned" and "what if the teacher didn't have time to plan anything else?" It literally matters not one jot in the context of what this child is going through. It would have been better for the whole class to spend a couple of hours watching a vaguely film if it meant that this little girl didn't have to be put in such an uncomfortable situation just days after the loss of her Father. They don't exactly need card making skills to get them through life, do they?

Just awful. Complain to the Head OP...and I never say that.

Completely unacceptable behaviour from the teacher. I am heart broken for your daughter that they put her through this on top of everything

Shocking. I know in the school I work in, when there was a similar situation the child was taken out to bake/ go on jobs/ help with nursery when anything sensitive was discussed with the class. Personally, we’ve not made any Father’s Day related things at all.

I understand this teacher may not have had a TA available to accommodate something like this, so why not just scrap the Father’s Day cards?!

OP as an adult who lost her Mum more than 25 years ago I am sitting here in tears for your DD.

No way should the teacher have done this.

should say vaguely educational film, although honestly I couldn't give a shit if it was something not educational. Anything has to be better than what actually happened.

the standard "do a craft for the holidays" curriculum
This isn't part of the curriculum. Christmas cards and all the rest are something extra to be fitted in and could easily be missed out.