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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum wants to come on holiday with us :( help!

317 replies

Dsdx · 14/06/2019 07:18

My mum has suddenly decided that she wants to join me, my husband and son on a holiday that we’ve planned with my sister & her husband. We sisters are both pregnant so we decided to have some chill time together. My husband wants a relaxed holiday. Us sisters love our mum but really don’t want her around. She’s made us feel so guilty saying things like she doesn’t want to miss opportunities to be with us and that the three of us will never be in the same city etc etc. She’s never been so loving so not sure why she’s got a bee in her bonnet about this sisters bonding trip. Should I just be honest and say, no this is our trip? If we let her join in, my husband wont be pleased at all :( as it will change the dynamic of the holiday. Advice?

OP posts:

BrilliantYou · 14/06/2019 14:40

She sounds like a spoilt brat that doesn't want to be left out!!

Tell her no!!

Nanny0gg · 14/06/2019 14:41

I'd love for all my DC to go away together. And I'd wave them all off quite happily

SandyY2K · 14/06/2019 15:08

Sisters spending time together doesn't mean they're excluding their mum.

If my DM spent time with her sister I wouldn't feel excluded.

I could imagine my DM wanting to join me on this kind of trip though. We all love her and she's a fantastic mum, but sometimes we like sister time.

Mum being there is lovely, but it changes the dynamics.

We anticipated she was going to do this recently...except it was her and my dad, so we sorted it so that they would be there for part of the trip and go back home before us.

The alternative for me would be us not mentioning the holiday until the last minute.

I wouldn't want my MIL joining in on my holiday like this, so I do think it's important to consider your spouse in these situations.

AguerosAngel · 14/06/2019 15:30

I’m so glad I have none of this, I love my siblings and DP’s to death, but have never been in holiday with them from being 16. They all go away with each other, all good, their choice.

I’m quite clear and have been for years that our holidays are for me, DH & DS.

To me there is too much room for manipulation, falling out, ill feeling and I’ve neither the time or energy for it.

You do you, and I’ll do me (or however it goes!)

BenWillbondsPants · 14/06/2019 15:34

God I would never put my DCs in a situation like this.

thecatsthecats · 14/06/2019 15:47

Not including someone is not the same as excluding someone. Trying to paint it as that is just as manipulative as OP's mum.

Even the best and most loving of parents won't have been included in all the bonds of young children have between each other.

Spouses that like each other see the trip as me plus 3 people I like/love. With a parent, it becomes 'me, plus X's husband, plus my wife and her sister and their mum, but they always tone down their behaviour/jokes/drinking when their mum is here and I feel like I have to as well'.

I enjoy spending time with my sister, with my sister and our spouses, with my parents and my sister, with all together, just my husband and parents, just me and my parents... all the combinations are enjoyable, all the more so for the variety!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 14/06/2019 16:04

What ever you do OP she has done a right job on you...you can't go away and enjoy yourself either way....Well done mother....you just can;t beat them at pulling stunts to suit themselves....

pelirocco123 · 14/06/2019 16:08

OP its good practice for when your children wont want to spend any time with you

thecatsthecats · 14/06/2019 16:17

OP its good practice for when your children wont want to spend any time with you

I love it when people trot this out as some kind of threat.

Not everyone is desperate to have all of their loved ones with them all of the time. Posting that just reveals that you are the kind of person who can't appreciate or respect other people's preferences, hardly something to boast about.

Notonthestairs · 14/06/2019 16:20

What a way to twist a situation Pelirocco123.**

Go on the holiday you've already planned and arrange another trip/treat with your mum for another time.

Isatis · 14/06/2019 16:33

Trying to blame my husband saying I’m trying to please him.

Ask her exactly what is wrong with wanting to please the man you love and are married to, particularly when he's had a tough year and has been working bloody hard. And say that you're trying to please yourself, too.

I'm not clear why you and your sister pity your mother? It doesn't sound as if it's merited anyway if she has plenty of holidays and plenty of opportunities that she doesn't take to interact with your family.

Chamomileteaplease · 14/06/2019 16:34

Please dont' give in to emotional blackmail.

You need a holiday. A relaxing, nice holiday.

And so does your husband. Please don't cock up his holiday. Can you imagine if a woman had written in saying her husband had let his mum come and bugger up their holiday.

Be strong. Tell her you will do something another time. Keep it vague though!

I just feel so sorry for your husband more than anything. It is important to have things to look forward to.

Isatis · 14/06/2019 16:36

OP its good practice for when your children wont want to spend any time with you

OP isn't saying she doesn't want to spend any time with her mother. She just doesn't want to spend one specific short holiday period with her, which is perfectly reasonable. To be honest, I'd be seriously worried about grown-up children who want to live their lives in their parents' pockets.

Charley50 · 14/06/2019 16:53

Blimey! Can't believe how many people think mums have a right to muscle in on their adult children's holidays just because.
And the "one day she'll be dead" argument.... lol lol lol!
You can say that about anything; it's meaningless.

OP, stick to your guns. Say you're not 'excluding' her, you are going on holiday with your husband and kids, which is absolutely fair enough.

Ringdonna · 14/06/2019 16:54

Just say no.

Ringdonna · 14/06/2019 16:56

Never in a million years is my mum or MIL coming on holiday with us. We live 500 miles away from both and seeing them every year or two is enough!

Burpsandrustles · 14/06/2019 16:58

Only read page one
Unless there's a major problem with her,eg critised you or your DH ... I'd let her go.

redspider1 · 14/06/2019 17:04

How rude to invite yourself. Stick with your plan and say you'll maybe do a spa day with her and your sister before the babies are born.

Alsohuman · 14/06/2019 17:15

Oh the famous MN spa day. Such a treat. Not.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/06/2019 17:17

I'd just tell my mum that DH and I wanted to spend time together just us. She has no right to be offended by that. I wouldn't forgive my DH if he let his someone gate crash a personal trip like this. You have to put him first in this instance.

comingintomyown · 14/06/2019 17:18

Another one who wouldn’t have any trouble saying no and I wouldn’t be using the word sorry either

vapourtrail · 14/06/2019 17:45

It is a 6 hour flight to visit the sister, enough I would have thought, to put off the most dedicated spa day lover.

Vulpine · 14/06/2019 17:48

Spending a few days on holiday with someone isn't ' Living in their pocket' - nor is it 'wanting to spend all your time with all your loved ones' - bit of an exaggeration

redspider1 · 14/06/2019 18:06

Spa day is interchangeable for whatever the OP and her fam like.

CraftyYankee · 14/06/2019 18:06

Some of it depends on how the holiday is structured, is everyone together for all meals or do people do their own thing?

Usually best if that is planned in advance.

In this case it was planned...without the mother. Why should she get to change the plan because she's decided she would like to come? Don't we spend our time as parents ideally teaching small people that if they don't like a situation and pitch a fit, tough, the world doesn't change to suit you? Why is it different in this case because the mother is the one pitching the fit?

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