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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum wants to come on holiday with us :( help!

317 replies

Dsdx · 14/06/2019 07:18

My mum has suddenly decided that she wants to join me, my husband and son on a holiday that we’ve planned with my sister & her husband. We sisters are both pregnant so we decided to have some chill time together. My husband wants a relaxed holiday. Us sisters love our mum but really don’t want her around. She’s made us feel so guilty saying things like she doesn’t want to miss opportunities to be with us and that the three of us will never be in the same city etc etc. She’s never been so loving so not sure why she’s got a bee in her bonnet about this sisters bonding trip. Should I just be honest and say, no this is our trip? If we let her join in, my husband wont be pleased at all :( as it will change the dynamic of the holiday. Advice?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/06/2019 07:56

It’s not a holiday. You’re going to stay with your sister. I’d try to reach a compromise whereby she comes and stays in a hotel for a shorter time. Explain the bonding thing.

OrangeJellySpread · 14/06/2019 07:57

I'd never do that to my mum.different culture possibly and I almost lost one parent.

ineedaholidaynow · 14/06/2019 07:58

Does she get to go on other holidays (not necessarily with you)? Would this be her only chance of a holiday?

Can you say that you and your sister will try and arrange something at a later date for just the 3 of you (although that may be tricky if you have newborns too)?

Original poster
Dsdx · 14/06/2019 07:58

She’s now made the huge deal about it so it’s going to be weird if she does come. She’s fun and nice to be with but just that this meant to be a holiday that we planned not a family affair.

OP posts:
EscapeTheCastle · 14/06/2019 07:59

Plan something else with her! Something she would really like.

Mascarponeandwine · 14/06/2019 07:59

If funds permit, book a long weekend for the three of you another time. It’ll take the edge off being firmer about her not gate crashing this break. Though if this holiday is at your sisters house I can see the lines might be more blurry than if it was elsewhere.

Original poster
Dsdx · 14/06/2019 08:01

Yep, very pushy very defensive. Trying to blame my husband saying I’m trying to please him. In a way I am as he’s not been on a nice holiday in over a year so we want to do what we want to do. She’s making me feel guilty and I don’t think that right. But if I tell her no I fear she’ll just get all emotional and then I’ll have to deal with that at some later stage

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 14/06/2019 08:02

I would firmly say

‘Mum, we won’t hear of it, you would end up looking after DS the whole time which isn’t fair.’ I’m going to book x place in x month for the three of us before the babies arrive. Shall we go the weekend of the 8th or the 15th?’

RingtheBells · 14/06/2019 08:02

DS(26) is going to Glastonbury soon and I am trying to imagine his face if I said I would join him and it was alright as I would bring my own tent.

It is no different.

CalmdownJanet · 14/06/2019 08:05

So she's crying and trying to manipulate you? It's hard i know but call her on it "Mum you are being unfair, there are other holidays, other times but we booked this holiday and anyone else, anyone, another friend, my mil, sisters mil, anyone would change the dynamic. It's not personal, not you but we have booked the holiday and should be able to without tears and guilt from anyone, it's not fair"

It'd a shitty situation but if your dh wanted his mil to come people would be telling you to tell her no way. Unless you all agree then it's unfair. How does your sister and her husband feel about it?

RingtheBells · 14/06/2019 08:07

Is this neediness quite recent, has she recently retired or something like that

BlueMerchant · 14/06/2019 08:08

Could/would you maybe book a weekend away at a spa or a city break (1 overnight hotel stay before babies are born)with your dm and dsis? You could sell it to her as mum/daughter bonding time and it may placate her into leaving you alone re this holiday?

katewhinesalot · 14/06/2019 08:10

If you aren't assertive with this one then she'll know it's worked and she'll pull the same behaviour more often in the future.

averythinline · 14/06/2019 08:11

Just say no not this time... so what if she blames your DH ....he doesnt want her to come....
so what if she gets emotional/now later.... she is bullying you ..would you bully your own children?

QueenArnica · 14/06/2019 08:11

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to say no OP, however guilty you may feel it will change the dynamic of your holiday.

My DM does this (a lot) too Hmm but I always stand my ground. The compromise is we do a smaller holiday with her once a year. Good luck and enjoy your holiday!

Goosethemoose · 14/06/2019 08:12

Mum you are being unfair, there are other holidays, other times but we booked this holiday and anyone else, anyone, another friend, my mil, sisters mil, anyone would change the dynamic. It's not personal, not you but we have booked the holiday and should be able to without tears and guilt from anyone, it's not fair

This!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/06/2019 08:12

Your updates make it REALLY clear that she is maniupulating you!

Talk to her, phone or in person, and say that you don't appreciate her demeaning you in that manner and that she is NOT to come as she will not be welcome, she would be ruining your holiday AND your rletaionshio with her.

You knw she already has but this way you can put the blame on her before she gets a chance to manipulate you into apologising!

Basically now is the time you get to decide if you will spend the rest of your life appeasing her or will take control, put some distance between you and live your life as you want to!

Your choice! Good luck, whatever yyou decide

Justmuddlingalong · 14/06/2019 08:13

Someone's going to be unhappy. Either your DM or everyone else. Big girl pants on time.

zippey · 14/06/2019 08:13

Can you say that everything is booked so can’t do this, but tentatively arrange something sometime soon?

HennyPennyHorror · 14/06/2019 08:14

It’s not a holiday. You’re going to stay with your sister

This.

It's not a holiday...your sister will be in her own home and you're going to stay.

Maybe your mum is feeling low/depressed and feels left out of what she sees as a family get-together with her pregnant daughters excluding her!

Giraffeinabox · 14/06/2019 08:16

Considering youre going to stay at your sisters, i would say "sorry mum, sister invited us there so you'll have to speak to her im affraid" job done!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/06/2019 08:16

FFS! I love the idea that staying with her sister is not a holiday!

Maybe that's all they can afford.... mybe it's the 'chill time' they value... whatever, it their time off work, it is their holiday!

But fucking hell! Only on MN would you hear that staying with family does not constitute a holiday!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 14/06/2019 08:18

I wouldn't call it a holiday either, tbh. I don't think it was unreasonable for your DM to suggest joining you for a bit, but no means no, and she should accept that gracefully.

The histrionics would make me less inclined to give in, I must say.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 14/06/2019 08:18

But you are doing it to please your husband, you've did she's fun and nice to be around but your husband won't like it if she comes. She's also willing to stay in a hotel that she pays for and isn't expecting your sister to accomodate her. This isn't a holiday, you're visiting your sister at her house, I think you're being quite mean actually. If you'd said she was a nightmare and you were all off to a holiday abroad etc, I could see your point a little bit, but this seems cruel. Both of her daughter's are pregnant and she'd love to spend time with you together. Gosh what an awful person....

GPatz · 14/06/2019 08:18

'How much post baby help with you guys expect from her?'

If a GP bases their post baby help on whether they could gate crash a holiday or not, then it's not about the GC.