Mum wants to come on holiday with us :( help!

[Dsdx]

My mum has suddenly decided that she wants to join me, my husband and son on a holiday that we’ve planned with my sister & her husband. We sisters are both pregnant so we decided to have some chill time together. My husband wants a relaxed holiday. Us sisters love our mum but really don’t want her around. She’s made us feel so guilty saying things like she doesn’t want to miss opportunities to be with us and that the three of us will never be in the same city etc etc. She’s never been so loving so not sure why she’s got a bee in her bonnet about this sisters bonding trip. Should I just be honest and say, no this is our trip? If we let her join in, my husband wont be pleased at all :( as it will change the dynamic of the holiday. Advice?

I dont think it's fair of you mum to put that on you. Just say you're both pregnant (so she should be more understanding) you and sis want to both relax together and do pregnant lady stuff and then the husbands and son are off to do boy things. It's not the right sort of holiday for her to come on. Maybe say I would rather wait until babies are here and then we all go together so we can have a proper nice holiday instead of me and sis just relaxing getting ready for babys

She's your mum. Don't be so mean, these are the things that will haunt you when she's no longer around.

Mablethorpe
She's your mum. Don't be so mean, these are the things that will haunt you when she's no longer around.

She’s not your mother, don’t be mean. Just because it would haunt you it doesn’t mean it would haunt normal adults who have broken away from mummy’s clutches or have parents who are mature human beings who don’t want to muscle in on their adult children’s lives because they have no life of their own.

I don't live in my mother's pockets by any means and it wouldn't haunt me as I spend as much time as I am able to with my own mum, even though she drives me crazy.

We lost my father last year and my DB has beaten himself up about that fact he didn't spend enough time with him ever since.

Th tone of the OPs post was a bit mean, and sounded like she'd already made her mind up anyway. She said 'we love her but really dot want her around'. If that's the case then why bother asking on MN?

I love my DM but there is no way she is coming in holiday with me. She is stuck in her ways and hard work and doesn’t move before midday. Will I feel a sense of sadness when she is gone on future holidays .... eh nope . I do a lot of other things with my DM and my memories won’t be tarnished because she didn’t come on a holiday with us. This is a holiday with you and your sister and DH. Your DM does not need to be there and shouldn’t be trying to guilt trip you into it. How would you feel if your MIL suggested she come too? I have no doubt your DH would simply say no

Everyone saying the mum should go and you will regret it... I honestly regret all the holidays I have had without my family as I can't invite my sister and not my mum! Same as you, both DH don't want to go on holiday with their MIL for a week in a house but will happily go as two young families together (we have tried both ways, loved just siblings but parents complained too much, took parents the next time and was so hard).

I don't understand as a lot of people say they had multiple children so their children have friends for life. If this is the case why can't friends go on holiday without their mum and dad!

This thread make a me realise how lucky I am to have a mum who's not annoying

EllenMP
I would let her come if she's happy to stay in a hotel nearby
I think you are very thoughtful to suggest this. I ought to say though that I did a similar thing on a weekend trip - I camped in my little van in a field near where my daughter and her family were camping. My intention was merely to see the little ones in their tent at bedtime but to leave them to it the rest of the time. However, I soon realised that it was still an encroachment for my son-in-law. He is a good man - don't mistake me - but he really values being with his family as he works so hard in a very stressful job. I stick to the times I'm invited to stay with them now.

I really wish I could get across to my friends my age that their children need time with their husbands and children and their holiday time is very important. Not all of us granny age people are the wonderful grannies we like to think we are and even if we are simply marvellous we still aren't part of the nuclear family (is that the right expression?) in which mum, dad, and children need time together.

OP I would try and arrange another shorter time to invite your mum to stay, if possible with your sister too although I appreciate the distance involved. Be firm though, tell her you love her but this is a wives and husbands time - and don't feel guilty, your time with sister and husband is very precious. She should be glad her children get on so well actually. I can honestly say I am, regarding my 3. Good luck with the birth and enjoy your new baby! Same to your sister!! Your mum must be very excited at the prospect of two new grandchildren!!
Good luck!

Vulpine. God bless you! It's so easy to take for granted something that actually isn't a "given".

I realised quite young that people did not understand me because I had a bullying and manipulative mother who was always the centre of attention and greatly favoured my half sister and her sons. It was just misery every time we made our dutiful visit to her.
Every Christmas she came to me she would make at least one of my children cry and would cause trouble somehow. It was so terrible that even as I write this my heart is thumping and my chest is constricted.
People who have lovely, loving, normal mothers have very little idea of what such a mother can dots you. Even when she is not there her influence reaches you - I could never let my hair grow long enough to reach my shoulders until after she died! Her constant hectoring about my hair and what I wore was in my head all the time.

I know not all mothers are this bad. I hope to God I am not!! But I do maintain that families need time together and that husbands need to be with wives and not have MiL around on holiday, it's important for the family.

Dsdx

Just use the broken record technique and repeat - in a pleasant and firm voice:
My husband wants a relaxed holiday.

I keep saying it but still ... I am a Granny - nearer your mum's age than yours - I know she must stay away! I know your husband needs time to unwind with you, his son and your sister and her husband. No MiL. She has to understand this even if she doesn't like it! I understand it!! A good mother and grandmother has to learn when to let her children be together without her! It doesn't mean they don't love her!

A good mother and grandmother has to learn when to let her children be together without her!
should a parent of adult children even be thinking in terms of what she doesn't doesn't 'let' her children do, your wording does still suggest that the adult children need permission from their parents to do things without the parent.
I am sorry to sound so critical but you do come across as somewhat possessive, but perhaps that is because I'm a person who instinctively keeps family members at arm's length, I mean no offence.

Ellyess you sound absolutely lovely and so respectful of your adult children and their family needs.

@whosorrynow
I really don't think that is what Ellyess meant at all.

I think she gets very well that family boundaries are healthy and even in families who share much love, space is a healthy thing and certainly not something you should be made to feel guilty of.

Mil tried the ‘I won’t be around forever ‘ ‘we should have a family holiday’ nonsense on us. She wasn’t that bothered about a ‘family holiday’ before she was widowed and was happy going away without us then. If we had always holidayed together that would be different. She would love to come and ruin our holidays now unlike my mum who understands we are a married couple wanting to be alone.

I personally don't think I could say no. Respect my mum roo much and wouldnt want to hurt her. How would you say no?

Respect my mum roo much and wouldnt want to hurt her.

You “respect” her but can’t bring yourself to be honest with her? Doesn’t sound much like respect to me.

DS(26) is going to Glastonbury soon and I am trying to imagine his face if I said I would join him and it was alright as I would bring my own tent.

It is no different.

It’s very different- OP (with DH) is simply staying with her sister!