Mum wants to come on holiday with us :( help!

[Dsdx]

My mum has suddenly decided that she wants to join me, my husband and son on a holiday that we’ve planned with my sister & her husband. We sisters are both pregnant so we decided to have some chill time together. My husband wants a relaxed holiday. Us sisters love our mum but really don’t want her around. She’s made us feel so guilty saying things like she doesn’t want to miss opportunities to be with us and that the three of us will never be in the same city etc etc. She’s never been so loving so not sure why she’s got a bee in her bonnet about this sisters bonding trip. Should I just be honest and say, no this is our trip? If we let her join in, my husband wont be pleased at all :( as it will change the dynamic of the holiday. Advice?

You should have said it was your MIL in your post and everyone would have been on your side!

Her insisting on coming along after being told no would annnoy me so much. She's going to expect you to entertain her all week while your sister and BIL works. Because no one would leave granny behind when you go out to do fun stuff with the kids right?

It sounds like she wont be stopped. Do you think she could compromise by only coming for the weekend?

I understand what you're saying about the time zone difference but If I were you, I wouldn't need to wait to discuss it further with DSis.
As you've mentioned before your DM hasn't expressed any interest in coming on other holidays you've had so this is out of character for her.

I'd say to DM - "Mum, as me and DH and the kids have had a busy time of it lately, we just wanted this trip to see DSis to be just for us. We can all go and visit DSis together another time but this time is for us only. Perhaps we can plan a different holiday when we all meet up and do things together for later in the year or early next year but this holiday is for me, DH and the kids."
Keep emphasizing that it is this holiday you're talking about.
You could also spin it that if DSis sees you all on the same holiday, she wouldn't have anything to look forward to at a different time during the year, you're all arriving at the same time. Whereas if your DM decides to visit in October (for example) your DSis will have you in June/July and your Mother in October. Space out the visits perhaps???
Have a think and try and find a way that you can spin the negative into a positive for her or serve it as a shit-sandwich so Positive thing - Negative thing - Positive thing
like this "We are so looking forward to seeing Dsis just DH, Me and the kids (Positive). We had a look to see about availability on the flight and there isn't any (negative). However DSis has said that she would really love to see you and spend more one to one time with you if you booked to visit her in October and there are plenty of flights and loads of availability then (positive).

I’m just slightly peeved because it’s kike she’s picking and choosing the times she wants to play mother and other times she’s her independent self

I really don't get this. Isn't she allowed to have her own life and dip in and out of family life as she pleases? Do you expect her to be in Grandma mode permanently?

You have to shut down the conversation.

Say look no, we have it all planned and it just doesn't work to add an extra person. End. Of Discussion.

Stop talking to her about it.

Everytime she brings it up, say it's not up for discussion.

Ignore/walk away if you have to.

Don't feel guilty, she's manipulating you in to inviting her, so she gets what you want - and everyone else is miserable / on edge? Fuck that

You do know this is just the thin end of the wedge don't you, the thick end of this wedge is her living with you and you catering for her every need

"She was already nearly crying when she said she wants to join us. Just feel like I’m either a bad daughter or a bad wife".

You are neither but she isn't an adequate mother. Her behaviour is very manipulative. You need to resist feeling guilty and capitulating or this will be the pattern for the future.

I suspect that impending motherhood for you and your sister has reminded her that your focus will be on your babies and your husbands not on her and she'll have to wait in the wings for when you're ready.

Please don't change your plans. If you wanted her to come with you, you would have asked her already. "That doesn't work for us, maybe another time"

My mother (now dead) was somewhat like this OP; she didn't like anyone else meeting up without her and HAD to be included. My sister and I hated that behaviour and resisted it all that we could. I don't regret it at all.

Also (in response to the 'One day she'll be dead and YOU'LL BE SORRY posters), I'd like to point out that I miss her good behaviour, not her shit behaviours designed to control. I was glad to see the back of those.

I am a bit confused. Are you in US or Oz? Or you are in UK and DSIS lives in another country?

So DSIS has invited you and your DH and DS to visit her and stay in her house. Your mother would also like to come.

Whether or not she comes is down to DSIS - I don't understand why she is having this conversation with you really.

I have adult DC and as PP have said, I love it when they do stuff together and have even paid for them to have lovely holidays just the two of them.

However, this struck me So it’s very confusing when she seats from independent woman to weak needy mother

Are you sure there is nothing wrong? A friends DM suddenly started behaving in a far more needy and loving way and then revealed that she had been diagnosed with a terminal illness......

Can you not talk to your mum? If she is getting tearful then maybe there is something wrong?

Yuu poor thing, that sounds some heafty emotional blackmail.

No, of course your mother shouldn't be included on this holiday - it totally changes the trip from the weekdays being a lovely relaxing time for you, DH and your child to "Entertaining Mum".

I know it's hard being the bad guy, but saying "We've thought about it Mum and no, it's not going to work. The type of holiday we'd planned is just what we need right now before the new babies come. We should plan something together for later in the year."
End of discussion.
Shut down any further stuff with "I understand you're disappointed, but we've made the decision and don't have anything more to say on that."

I agree that she is concerned that when babies come along you will focus on your children and she will lose her ability to control and manipulate you, she's doing everything in her power to get her feet under the table and bring you under control before you are distracted by babies

I think the "control and manipulation" thing is not necessarily true. My (widowed) mother would do this, but in her case it's because it reminds her that she has no one to go on holiday with anymore. She would be really upset. Unfortunately I think we will have to cross this bridge soon enough in our family, as she really changes the dynamic of holidays we go on with her, and now that a couple of us have DC, we would probably quite like to do a holiday with just us siblings' families. It's difficult. Is your mother widowed OP?

She's only human. Crying is not an automatic sign of manipulation. She's just an older woman who wants to go on hols with her daughters. Talk about reaping what you sow, one day you could be in the same position. This scenario has happened to me and I said yes.

As a DM I would never dream of muscling in on a DC reunion with their DPs along. It surely changes the dynamic. At the moment OP is looking forward to having some time with her partner during the day, DSis and BIL in the evenings, and doing things together at the weekends. With OP's DM along, even staying in a hotel, it means the downtime OP and her DP have - including staying in bed late, going to places they want to see - now has to be negotiated to include DM. If they want to go out for a meal, it'll be difficult not to include DM. Clearly offering a similar weekend as compensation ain't gonna fly since OP and DM are in one country and DSis is a 6 hour flight away (UK/US?) but if DSis is on board, she could invite DM over for a separate stay and OP have a weekend with her?

As for all this catastrophising "you won't have her forever" "she could be dying" - give over. OP does see her mother, is happy to phone (but it's only when DM wants).

She can go and visit OPs sister on her own.

Not everything has to involve everyone.

Stand your ground OP

“saying I’m trying to please him.”

Yes Mum, I am trying to please him, or at least respect his expectation that we have a small family holiday together.

We would love to spend time with you, but this isn’t the occasion. Let’s make another plan”

we could all drop dead tomorrow it doesn't give us a right to force ourselves into other people's holidays

OP, I think the issue has become over complicated.

Only on MN have I come across the phenomenon of people inviting themselves on to another person's holiday. Honestly I've never heard of it.

I feel very strongly that your husband in this instance should come ahead of your Mum.

He has had a hard long year and is looking forward to a specific type of holiday.

I would not entertain your mother at all.

Mum, this is our family holiday. Dh has been looking forward to it and we are not changing it. We can do something else with you at another time. End of.

OP, I also wouldn't tolerate her blaming your DH.
He has ever right to have the annual family holiday that ye have already agree.

I do not agree with the concept of a holiday being radically changed by any party. The idea that a party has to suck up the change is not on.

You need to be firm and brook no discussion. Tears need to be ignored. Very manipulative.

It is not selfish for you and your family to have the holiday you planned.

Good luck.

I love that my daughters like to have little away breaks with me. But the idea comes from them, and that makes it all the lovelier.
I wouldn't dream of inviting myself on their trips though! And I don't understand why OPs mother is pushing it when it's clear that for this trip, it's not what they want. I'd hate to be in the way on someone else's holiday! And they'll be even less likely to invite her in the future. Surely she can see that?

Can't believe some of the responses on this thread! She has muscled in and is putting pressure on you using emotional blackmail - that's just not on. Not wanting your mum with you on holiday doesn't mean you never want to see her, but spending time with your sister who you are close to, and your partners, is a VERY different thing when your mum is around, and it's not what you planned for yourselves and your families. SHE IBU, and bloody rude.

This exactly!
I’m amazed posters are so willing to say mum should go along. Even if she was lovely and there was no back story, adding a different person/generation can change the dynamic.
I had two lovely holidays away with my mum in adulthood, just the two of us. Had a good friend of mine or hers tried to muscle in, it wouldn’t have been the same. Equally, had my mum insisted in tagging along with certain family holidays or weekend away meet-ups with old school friends, many of whom she knew and liked, I would have resisted.
My mum is very insecure and needy, she can’t cope if she’s not involved in every conversation etc. I don’t always want to be bothered with that. She has come away with us as a family, and it is different and less relaxed than when we go without her. We feel, rightly or wrongly, that we have to “look after her” and we can’t and don’t just suit ourselves. I can cope with that from time to time, as I love her, but it’s not as simple as “unless she’s a bitch why can’t she come along?” .

Would Mom babysit? If so you 4 other adults could go out together which might be nice.

Otherwise I'd say no, it's all arranged, can't change it now, would have asked you right away if we'd known you wanted to come, we three can have a girly break later on, etc.

the fact that she gave birth to me, bf me and raised me is enough for me in that area

You’re easily pleased. You didn’t ask to be born or breastfed any more than my dd asked me. I chose to give birth and she doesn’t owe me anything.

@Vulpine “you reap what you sow” works both ways. The OP is under no obligation to us to go into the details of her relationship with her mother and we don’t know what kind of parent the DM has been.

@Dsdx has EVERY right to have a holiday with whomever she pleases without anyone trying to manipulate her into inviting them. Maybe the DM has been a shit parent and is reaping what SHE has sown? We don’t know.

Well she hasn't explicitly said she's a shit parent. A little tolerance goes a long way.

She’s not obliged to. She might just want a nice holiday as a foursome. I really don’t understand why this is so hard for people to understand.

We used to take my parents on holiday but we also had holidays on our own or with just my SIL and DB. The OP wants this holiday to be as it was planned without her DM changing the dynamic. There is nothing wrong with that.

Just to be clear, I don't think OP's sister should necessarily invite her DM along, even if she were dying!!!!!!

I meant that if someone I loved suddenly started displaying very unusual behaviour and getting tearful, and it was out of character, as OP appears to be saying this is, I would be worried and want to dig around and find out what was going on.

If OP had said her DM had a history of being manipulative and boundary busting then my response would have been very different. As it is, she says this behaviour is new and unexpected.

YANBU. Stick to your guns and ignore the manipulation.

My daughters are planning a holiday, just the two of them later this year. I am thrilled for them.
In the past we have been on holidays together, but I recognise that as young women, there is a different dynamic when I am there and we want to do different things. It makes me happy that they are close.
I will wave them off happily and look forward to hearing about their adventure when they get back.

Can't believe how many people on this thread would muscle in. It's pure selfishness.