Mum wants to come on holiday with us :( help!

[Dsdx]

My mum has suddenly decided that she wants to join me, my husband and son on a holiday that we’ve planned with my sister & her husband. We sisters are both pregnant so we decided to have some chill time together. My husband wants a relaxed holiday. Us sisters love our mum but really don’t want her around. She’s made us feel so guilty saying things like she doesn’t want to miss opportunities to be with us and that the three of us will never be in the same city etc etc. She’s never been so loving so not sure why she’s got a bee in her bonnet about this sisters bonding trip. Should I just be honest and say, no this is our trip? If we let her join in, my husband wont be pleased at all :( as it will change the dynamic of the holiday. Advice?

i don't want my adult dc hanging on my coat tails, i encourage them to lead their own lives and if that involves visiting or phoning once in a while that's nice but not expected.

Some people on this thread are going to have difficult relationships with their children as adults, if they can't accept that they will want to do things on their own.

If my two arranged a special trip for themselves I wouldn't dream of spoiling it for them by insisting on coming too. In fact they are off to the pictures tomorrow. It doesn't mean they don't like me, I know that they love me very much, and still want to come on holiday with DH and me because they enjoy our company. It's all so needy and suffocating.

You should, kindly say 'no, not this time', OP

Walkamile

Am laughing soo much.

Don't give in to the pressure OP as apart from anything else you are reinforcing that childish petulance means she gets her own way.

She's obviously not very self aware if she doesn't realise her presence changes the dynamic, especially for the husbands, not many people choose to holiday with their MIL.

Just say no, it's a holiday that works for you as you and sis are in the same place right now with pregnancies and the husbands want male get away time playing golf or whatever.

Next time you might have to just not tell her it's happening.

Just say no. This is a family holiday, this is a pregnant sisters holiday. Tell her to plan a family holiday and invite people if she wants one.

You'll look back at this post and feel sad.
You'll think oh why didn't we just let her come?

Only on MN have I come across the phenomenon of people inviting themselves on to another person's holiday. Honestly I've never heard of it.

It’s a class thing. Someone booked a caravan or holiday park room and the people that couldn’t afford to go on holiday all piled on! Half the street used to go to some Butlins/Pontins place when our neighbours booked it (in the 70s when there were fewer checks). It’s partly what’s yours is ours and partly old fashioned working class sticking together.

My sister in law still does it now. She’s a single mum with thee children. If anyone goes on holiday she invites herself. She’s had three holidays in 18 months! People just pay for her or let her kids sleep on sofas and floors.

secondaccount
You'll look back at this post and feel sad.
You'll think oh why didn't we just let her come?

Answer... Because she’s a pain in that arse.

Don’t let her manipulate you, she’s being unfair and blaming your DH is bang out of order. I would be saying no to her. She can go anytime, you’re limited due to pregnancy and work.

Classic case of stop sharing so much info with her. She’ll find you very secretive if she insists on asking.

we could all drop dead tomorrow it doesn't give us a right to force ourselves into other people's holidays

God I know. I expect a fair proportion of my deathbed regrets to be about times I said yes when I should have said no to CFs.

Just say "Sorry mum, not this time. We'll fix something once the babies are born - we'll need a babysitter by then - LOL!"

Don't get into a discussion with her, just keep saying no. You don't have to give her any reasons.

You'll look back at this post and feel sad.
You'll think oh why didn't we just let her come?

Emotional blackmail. Nice.

For all you know she could invite and look back in regret, and find when she's posting she's being told her dh has a dw problem.

My sister in law still does it now. She’s a single mum with thee children. If anyone goes on holiday she invites herself. She’s had three holidays in 18 months! People just pay for her or let her kids sleep on sofas and floors
Crikey 😮 presume she also accommodates freeloaders in return?

You'll look back at this post and feel sad.
You'll think oh why didn't we just let her come?

@secondaccount are you the OP’s Mum? 🙄

saying I’m trying to please him.” Yes Mum, I am trying to please him, or at least respect his expectation that we have a small family holiday together. We would love to spend time with you, but this isn’t the occasion. Let’s make another plan”

Perfect.

Whosorrynow Absolutely not. She doesn’t have the money to do so even if she wanted to which she wouldn’t because she’s selfish. She has never bought a present for any of my children. She had children a decade or so before me and we have remembered hers every birthday and Christmas. She didn’t even send a message when my children were born. When my son was two months old we heard from her... she rang to ask if she could have my old computer when we bought a new one. We weren’t even considering changing it, it was only 18 months old.

Because it is a 6 hour flight , is there a potential that DM is reluctant to do that journey on her own, hence the want/ need to tag along with you on this opportunity?

Scousetea she sounds dreadful 😕 a freeloader, a brass necked freeloader ....why do you even bother with her?

Just say no.

It takes a special kind of selfishness to invite yourself onto someone else's holiday, and then push and push and turn on the emotional blackmail when they clearly DON'T WANT you to join them. She doesn't care about how anyone else feels as long as she gets her way.

Was she a shit mum or something?

OP's mother is desperate because she knows that once the babies come along they will be the focus of attention and she can't tolerate that
that's why she is crowbarring herself into the holiday, she has to do everything in her power to keep herself in the limelight

If you aren't assertive with this one then she'll know it's worked and she'll pull the same behaviour more often in the future

This ^^

The manipulative tears and trying to blame your husband are especially unpleasant and surely not something you want to encourage? If she's going to try these tactics, you seem to have two choices: deal with it kindly now, or face much more of the same (or worse) in future

Your choice

It also sounds like a control thing. "It's not OK for you two to go on holiday without me, because I am the centre of the family and the universe"

We've been on holiday with my parents before (at their insistence and after not inconsiderable emotional blackmail on their part) and it was awful. What they want to do and what we wanted to do were entirely incompatible yet we had to comply or face yet more emotional blackmail and manipulation.

It isn't fair. We should have been able to go on our own holiday (as they do several times a year) and do what we pleased, not do as we were told.

Don't give in OP.

You'll look back at this post and feel sad
You'll think oh why didn't we just let her come?

Utter nonsense. I've never had a holiday with my parents since I was 18 - not that they've ever asked. At no point, even after my father's death, have I regretted that.