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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum wants to come on holiday with us :( help!

317 replies

Dsdx · 14/06/2019 07:18

My mum has suddenly decided that she wants to join me, my husband and son on a holiday that we’ve planned with my sister & her husband. We sisters are both pregnant so we decided to have some chill time together. My husband wants a relaxed holiday. Us sisters love our mum but really don’t want her around. She’s made us feel so guilty saying things like she doesn’t want to miss opportunities to be with us and that the three of us will never be in the same city etc etc. She’s never been so loving so not sure why she’s got a bee in her bonnet about this sisters bonding trip. Should I just be honest and say, no this is our trip? If we let her join in, my husband wont be pleased at all :( as it will change the dynamic of the holiday. Advice?

OP posts:
CherieBabySpliffUp · 15/06/2019 15:42

Your sister lives 6 hours away by plane so when was the last time all 3 of you were together? Could it be that your mum thinks that with you both being pregnant this is the last time you will all be together for a while?

RCN1 · 15/06/2019 17:51

I must admit I haven't read all of the comments but a) might she be trying to make amends and be closer to her daughters as life circumstances are about to change and b) might she like to spend time with your little one while you and your sister chill? It would be hard to hear that your girls were off together and not want to join in, wouldn't it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2019 18:14

I have read all the thread.

YANBU. Say no and keep repeating no too.

Your mother is a manipulative human being who wants to muscle in on your holiday and have her own way here. Your own boundaries re her anyway are shaky/far too low and that too has given her an "in" to behave as she has done here. She I would think has not changed a bit since your own childhood.

DecomposingComposers · 15/06/2019 18:17

RCN1

That would depend on whether you believe your adult children, plus their partners, are allowed lives independent to you I suppose?

Beautga · 15/06/2019 18:17

I cant understand why you wouldnt take your mum
My mum always had a holiday with us and my mother in law.My mumhas died now but my mother in law is still coming on a holiday with us
My mom was my best friend maybe that the problem with these people

cptartapp · 15/06/2019 18:20

My parents are both dead and we never ever holidayed with them. I have no regrets at all. Her wants do not trump yours. She sounds very manipulative. Are you crying and sulking over the pressure she's putting on you, pushing herself in? Of course you're trying to please your DH, he takes priority over her. Doesn't she get that?
I would be wary of setting a precedent here. This will only get worse as DC arrive and she gets older. Stick to your guns. Some older folk have no sense of boundaries or concept at all that younger people might want to spend time without them, family or not my PIL It does change the dynamic massively.

Rp02cap · 15/06/2019 18:21

Could it be that your mum wants a family catch up and wouldn't want to go on her own if not confident on traveling by her self.

Ellyess · 15/06/2019 18:29

Dsdx Forgive me jumping in without time to read all the posts.
I'm probably nearer your mum's age than yours and have learned NEVER to encroach on my daughters' (3) and their families' holidays! I am a widow, husband died when the children still at school, I so imagine they might feel they should invite me.
But they are married. And their husbands all work. Holidays are vital times for them to be a family together and I realised very quickly just how important it was for their husbands to have this time with their family. I get on with them all, don't live near any of them. But please do not feel guilty about telling your mum that the holiday is very important for the family especially dads who don't get much family time and who, with the best will in the world, can't fully relax with mum-in-law in tow.
Maybe she can come to see you all one week-end. But the holiday is special. Your generation only. I am aware that my generation think we are wonderful and won't get in the way - but we are too quick to forget how ghastly it would have been to go away with our husband and our mother/mother-in-law in tow as well! (Frankly, I would never have done that!) You might have to be rather firm with her. Use your husbands' great need to wind-down as an excuse. After all why should the men put up with mother-in-law on holiday? It's not fair to them!!

I promise I am "the older generation" - more gransnet than mumsnet really but love mumsnet so much!
Please be firm and put your family - husband - first! Good luck!

EllenMP · 15/06/2019 18:33

I would let her come if she's happy to stay in a hotel nearby. It's not worth upsetting her over and it's not like it was a special holiday for just you and your husband and child. She might be happy to babysit while the other four grownups go out for a meal, which would surely be nice and change the dynamic in a good way. I would talk to your husband about it, though. It depends if he and the other DP get on with your mum.

TanMateix · 15/06/2019 18:53

My mother is the same, she latches on and changes the hole dynamics of the outing or the holiday... you cannot even talk or have a proper catch up with people because she keeps taking the conversation into everyday stupid things all the time. If you say you have planned x for the day she refuses, actually she refuses so many things and forces you to do so many you don’t want that the whole holiday ends up being a against her.

I finally grew spine last time, when she mentioned she was coming and what we could are couldn’t do dur to her own arrangements. I just said, mum, I have not seen x in x years, this is not a holiday of doing this or that and then go back to the hotel because you are tired, this is about DS having a x days long sleepover with his cousins so they catch up, and same applies to me an x, we will spend Xmas with you when we come back.

She then filled my diary with people she arranged for me to visit while I was away. I told her to cancel, she didn’t want to, so I stood them up.

She was very nasty afterwards so I stopped ringing her for 4 months. She has started ringing me and is like a completely different person, more respectful and restrained. I guess she knows now I can also stay my ground and send her to hell as I please.

Queequeg07 · 15/06/2019 18:58

Mateix. Brilliant. If only more people could do the same.

INeedAFlerken · 15/06/2019 19:09

Ellyess is spot on. Especially Maybe she can come to see you all one week-end. But the holiday is special. Your generation only. I am aware that my generation think we are wonderful and won't get in the way - but we are too quick to forget how ghastly it would have been to go away with our husband and our mother/mother-in-law in tow as well!

Just keep telling her no not this time. This holiday is for you and your husband to spend times with your sister and husband before you become parents. Repeat as necessary. YOu're not doing anything wrong.

ny20005 · 15/06/2019 19:13

My dm hijacked our family holiday being manipulative & damaged our relationship

Don't let her bully you !

Bluerussian · 15/06/2019 19:18

You and your sister have a short break somewhere later.

LadyBumclock · 15/06/2019 19:20

It would be hard to hear that your girls were off together and not want to join in, wouldn't it?

Only if you have no respect for other people's feelings and can't get your head round they might want to do something without you.

You'll look back at this post and feel sad
You'll think oh why didn't we just let her come?

Except actually multiple posters have talked about letting their mums/MILs blackmail their way into joining them, and regretting that they let her ruin their holiday.

RedPink · 15/06/2019 19:30

Can you say you already have some things booked that she wouldn’t like? Maybe hiking or a water park or whatever. I don’t usually like lying but maybe it would be easier.

Bluerussian · 15/06/2019 19:31

Left this out of my last post: 'with your mum'

DecomposingComposers · 15/06/2019 19:32

Except actually multiple posters have talked about letting their mums/MILs blackmail their way into joining them, and regretting that they let her ruin their holiday.

This. I look back on the first 5 holidays that we had as a family and have no good memories from them because of how my parents behaved on them. My husband and I very nearly split up because he resented it so much. I also resented it but also felt that I needed to defend them against him (even though I didn't agree with or like what they were doing). Their behaviour was beyond selfish and it took us years to recover from it and have a semblance of a normal parent/daughter relationship again.

TanMateix · 15/06/2019 19:47

It seems to me that this was going to be more like a couple of couples with their children getting together to spend some time in equality of circumstances, I don’t see why the OP have to bring her and then have a short holiday with her sister... Why not organising a mother and daughters holiday for another time instead of having every child and adult having a holiday that suits granny.

It is not selfishness really, I have been pandering to my mum’s whims 90% of the time so it comes a time when you have to say enough, it’s our turn now.

Hope you manage to, this should be an expensive holiday considering you have to fly the whole family 6 hrs away, it is not even in the same continent, is it?

sonjadog · 15/06/2019 20:04

Growing up my grandparents were never allowed to come on a holiday with my family and none of us regretted it ever. Not for one single minute. They would have ruined the holiday completely and we saw plenty of them at other times. They really didn't have to be involved in everything we did.

happymum12345 · 15/06/2019 20:17

Only you know if you should invite her. It’s easy for me to say yes you should, especially if she’s in a hotel & not actually staying with you.

ToftyAC · 15/06/2019 20:25

I had to endure my former MIL on long, well deserved holidays. Bloody nightmare. Ended up not being my holiday at all. Never went anywhere I wanted to. It was all about her. So I’d say no on this occasion OP. I certainly wouldn’t pull this bollocks on my children when they’re all grown up. I do understand why she wants to come, but to behave like a toddler is not the way to go about it. Good luck x

TanMateix · 15/06/2019 20:28

Sonjadog... my grandmother came with us for a couple of holidays with my parents and aunts... After 4 days there was always a husband or a wife storming out of the room exasperated with Grandma’s comments or behaviour, or people complaining about how rude or selfish grandma had been to this person. The holiday always ended with a couple continuing the holiday on their own or some people not talking to each other.

Some people have wonderful mothers who are nice to have around, I guess some others don’t.

Petlover9 · 15/06/2019 20:34

Good answer - why should she not come? In the next year you will want all the help you can get and taking her with you then will be helpful. Obviously I don’t know her but she can’t be that bad, what do you think she will do ruin your holiday?

DecomposingComposers · 15/06/2019 20:37

Good answer - why should she not come? In the next year you will want all the help you can get and taking her with you then will be helpful. Obviously I don’t know her but she can’t be that bad, what do you think she will do ruin your holiday?

Maybe for the same reasons that many of us have had our holidays ruined by parents - because our requirements aren't the same and we want to do different things yet end up giving in to maintain the peace.