Mum wants to come on holiday with us :( help!

[Dsdx]

My mum has suddenly decided that she wants to join me, my husband and son on a holiday that we’ve planned with my sister & her husband. We sisters are both pregnant so we decided to have some chill time together. My husband wants a relaxed holiday. Us sisters love our mum but really don’t want her around. She’s made us feel so guilty saying things like she doesn’t want to miss opportunities to be with us and that the three of us will never be in the same city etc etc. She’s never been so loving so not sure why she’s got a bee in her bonnet about this sisters bonding trip. Should I just be honest and say, no this is our trip? If we let her join in, my husband wont be pleased at all :( as it will change the dynamic of the holiday. Advice?

Yes I agree, why? It is not like you are teenagers.

She will probably just get on with what she wants to do, She might not be in the way, unless she is really awkward I think you should take her. Is she just a normal person, not the sort to get drunk or rowdy - is she on her own?

She will probably just get on with what she wants to do

If she's going off to do her own thing why does she want to go with them? What if she wants to be with them all day, every day?

I wish my mum was alive to come on holiday - you won’t have her forever.

I hate that type of comment. My DD played for the local orchestra and halfway through a concert my DM cried “I wish my DF was here to listen to this.” No you wouldn’t. If he was still alive he would have been 97, deaf as a post and desperate for the loo all the time.

My Mum's dead (and my Dad too). Do I wish we had ever taken her on holiday with us? Absolutely not. Not because we didnt get on (ish), we did.

Stick to your guns OP.

Petlover9

But you aren't everyone. Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents, or parents who respect boundaries or respect that adult children are allowed lives independent of their parents.

It isn't fair of parents to emotionally manipulate their children, and their partners, into doing what they want.

I agree with Apollo, unless this mum is really horrid, it is family and she wants to be with you, people don’t appreciate their family until they want help

I agree with Apollo, unless this mum is really horrid, it is family and she wants to be with you, people don’t appreciate their family until they want help

Why does she have to be really horrid? Why can't her dd's and their families, just want to not go on holiday with her?

OP says her mum goes on holiday several times a year - do you think the mum would find it acceptable if OP and her family demanded to attend these holidays?

To those who've lost parents and are criticising the OP - I'm sorry for your grief, but you know, if your parent was still alive, you'd probably be posting on MN about the way they irritate or annoy you, too. Because that's what families do.

you won’t have her forever
thank Christ the old dragon is now dead, I cannot imagine anything worse than being cursed with the presence of my mother until my dying day

Seconded, Whosorrynow!

Thirded.

Regarding my own mother of course. Not yours. That would be weird.

I wouldn't inflict my mother on my worst enemy!
Seriously we all know that some parents are lovely whilst others are evil and abusive imagine if your evil and abusive parents continue to fuck up your life until you're 60 or 70 or so 😮

I love my PIL and we holiday with them every year. I’m happy to do this. They’re easy to be around and they help us with childcare whenever they can. However, I’m looking forward to a holiday this year without them. However lovely parents are, it does change the dynamic. Stick to your guns OP!! Like others have said arrange something with your DM and DSis soon but no way succumb to emotional blackmail. I find it odd that parents try to force themselves onto their adult offspring. My DF does this to me and I hate it!

Just let her join you!

I have two DD’s and the thought of them growing up and not wanting to spend time with me is upsetting

Are you for real?

You are already one of those mothers, and I'd put money on your DDs posting a similar thread about you when they are adults.

Get a grip, please. I have an adult DD already, and guess what, sometimes she would rather spend time with her friends/boyfriend/boyfriend's family than with me and that is absolutely fine. Furthermore, it's healthy, and I would never make her feel guilty about that, or insist that I tag along.

Sometimes she spends time with her siblings without me - equally fine and healthy.

My mum on the other had is the pity-partying type, guilt trips me and make me feels bad for not spending enough time with her. If she was less needy and negative, and eased up on the guilt trips maybe I would choose to do that.

And by the way, assuming that both sisters and their DHs work, their time off work is precious and should be spent however they choose, nobody should infringe on that time.

My grown up daughters like to spend time with me and take me on weekend breaks etc. But if I invited myself on their trips with their partners, that would soon change, I'm sure!

There's all the difference between being invited, and inviting one's self (with added guilt tripping tears). If you want your kids to enjoy time with you, enjoy and appreciate their company but don't inflict yours.

I adored my Mum and she adored me. But she understood that there were times when I wanted to holiday without her. Stick to your guns, OP.

Freefrops that is not true my mum was 88 when she died had all her faculties a brilliant sense of humour could answer more question on Mastermind than me and came on holiday with us because we enjoyed each other company

@TanMateix
Great post, well done you.

As usual, the issues are confused.

It is completely possible to love your mother dearly but understand your husband, after a busy, hard year, wants an easy holiday that doesn't involve his Mil. No drama. End of.

I would not change the holiday. It has been arranged and that is it.

Reasonable people/family do not pull this shit on each other. End of.

It is that simple.

In the real world they don't!

Apologies, but people have busy lives, are under huge pressure.
Holidays can be a huge focus of stress relief.
I just don't get this whole imposing on someone's holiday and inviting yourself along.

Completely and utterly ridiculous.

OP, do not entertain it under any circumstances.

This would be my worst nightmare. I love my mother but she’s my worst nightmare of a travel/relaxation time companion. Better to nip it in the bud early. Something like, ‘this is a pregnancy bonding trip so why don’t we plan a spa day/day out/skydive altogether for another time?’

I think you could ask her what her plans would be when DSis and her DH are at work and point out that you’d like those times to be a time for you and DH. that way, perhaps you could prepare her that this might not be the best time to join.

I wish my mum was alive to come on holiday - you won’t have her forever.

I wish my dad was alive. I absolutely don't wish him to be alive to come on holiday with us: both he and I would be horrified at the thought. And I don't regret for a minute that he never came on holiday with us since we were adults when he was alive.