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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum wants to come on holiday with us :( help!

317 replies

Dsdx · 14/06/2019 07:18

My mum has suddenly decided that she wants to join me, my husband and son on a holiday that we’ve planned with my sister & her husband. We sisters are both pregnant so we decided to have some chill time together. My husband wants a relaxed holiday. Us sisters love our mum but really don’t want her around. She’s made us feel so guilty saying things like she doesn’t want to miss opportunities to be with us and that the three of us will never be in the same city etc etc. She’s never been so loving so not sure why she’s got a bee in her bonnet about this sisters bonding trip. Should I just be honest and say, no this is our trip? If we let her join in, my husband wont be pleased at all :( as it will change the dynamic of the holiday. Advice?

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 14/06/2019 09:18

It is an exciting time for both sister but surely for the DM too about to be a grandmother.

And the fathers to be? Don't they get a say? Can their parents come too?

diddl · 14/06/2019 09:19

I think if it were just Op & her sister it might be different.

Even then if they wanted time just the two of them then that's OK isn't it?

How much does she see you both, OP?

Likethebattle · 14/06/2019 09:20

Say no but be gentle about it.

kateandme · 14/06/2019 09:21

your going to have to be a bad daughter for a little hile.but if she puts more meaning to that then its on her not you and something you can live with if you just let he guilt go.youll only feel bad if you put that on yourself.becasue actually your not doing anything wrong at all.
your just wanting to spend some bonding time ith you sister and some close time with your hubby as its been a long time since you did that together.its nothing on her but you need this time before the babies come.
and yes you are trying to please your hsuband.its what we do isnt it.surely thats a good thing to be thinking of their wishes.
and it totally changes the dynamics when their is a ilaw or parent there.
be kind but be firm.

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 14/06/2019 09:22

My aunt lives by the sea when I stay with her it's defo a holiday even though she's family!

roundligament · 14/06/2019 09:22

You sound a bit mean :(
I know parents are annoying
But honestly
She never left you out did she
Poor thing

Vulpine · 14/06/2019 09:23

But it's not a married couple going away on their own. Thats a different scenario. This is two families going away together.

Pinkmouse6 · 14/06/2019 09:24

This thread makes me feel a little sad. I have two DD’s and the thought of them growing up and not wanting to spend time with me is upsetting...

Is she otherwise lonely? I can understand you thinking it would change the dynamics completely. Maybe both arrange to do something else with her.

goingonabearhunt1 · 14/06/2019 09:29

How much time do you both spend with her normally? Have you been on holiday before? Just trying to understand the context.

Original poster
Dsdx · 14/06/2019 09:30

Yes we were so excited and now it’s like a cloud hanging over. We are flying to get to my sister (v expensive flights!) and now potentially half my holiday will be with an extra person

OP posts:
worriedwinfred · 14/06/2019 09:30

Aww OP I can see why this is frustrating but I do think yabu. Not to sound morbid but there may come a day when you wish you'd have spent all the time you could have with your DM.

kateandme · 14/06/2019 09:32

Pinkmouse6 i get that.and i thought the same.but then had to think.but im sure there has been moment our parents have been away from us and just needed that time.or vice versa.i dont think it means they dont want to be with you/them it just means at different points we need different poeple around us.
especially i think as your always different around your parents to a point.

IHateUncleJamie · 14/06/2019 09:33

You sound a bit mean sad
I know parents are annoying
But honestly
She never left you out did she
Poor thing

How on earth do you know the DM never left the OP out? Why is she automatically “poor thing”? The OP has said her Mum has never been loving or Motherly. Just because someone chooses to give birth to you doesn’t mean they can emotionally blackmail you.

OP the “nearly crying” and guilt-tripping is unacceptable. When I go and stay with my dsil and db by the sea it is our holiday. If you give in to your Mum’s demands this time you will be miserable and you’ll feel guilty about spoiling your DH’s holiday. Time to put your immediate family first before your Mum.

I agree with pps that a good compromise would be to suggest a weekend away with you, DM and DSis.

DownToTheSeaAgain · 14/06/2019 09:35

At this point you're going to feel guilty either way so stick with the original plan. Tell your DM that it is not a family holiday and it would be uncomfortable for your DH's if she invites herself. She may be upset but maybe that is better than you having a miserable holiday.

Geminijes · 14/06/2019 09:35

This thread makes me feel a little sad. I have two DD’s and the thought of them growing up and not wanting to spend time with me is upsetting...

The Op hasn't said she doesn't want to spend time with her Mum, she just doesn't want her to join them this time.

Surely, one sister can visit/stay with her sister without their Mum being there?

Why should the Mum be there? Sisters want time together, most probably while their husbands keep one another company. Just because they are all related doesn't mean they all have to meet up together.

The sisters can spend time with their mother, either together or individually, another time.

As for 'the mother won't be around forever'......that still doesn't mean that she needs to join her daughters on any occasion she so wishes.

Strawberrypancakes · 14/06/2019 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HiJenny35 · 14/06/2019 09:41

No no no, this is ridiculous, you want to spend time with your sister and your husband, having your mother there will spoil that. All this "she won't be around forever" and "I'd hate my daughters to treat me like this" really!!!! Well then you are needy, if my girls want to have a holiday together I would be ashamed of myself if I tried to guilt them into having me along.
It's your holiday for you and your husband to enjoy. Tell her no don't take on her hysterics and don't feel guilty.

HiJenny35 · 14/06/2019 09:42

She can't come because they don't want her there. That's the end of it, she wasn't invited.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/06/2019 09:42

I don't get why she can't come. She isn't a random. She isn't "trying to be maternal". She just fancies joining in with what her two dds are doing.

AyBeeCee10 · 14/06/2019 09:44

Yanbu op. Dont put her before your dh. If nobody wants her there then her feelings shouldnt trump anyone elses.
Its telling that everyone feels this way- maybe if she was nicer then you would all want her around

Ragwort · 14/06/2019 09:45

Personally I can’t imagine anything worse than tagging along on your childrens’ holiday, I am probably the same age as the mother in this situation and she sounds incredibly selfish and needy.

The OP has said she (mum) does get holidays to herself so she is not some ‘little old lady’ who needs looking after.

My own mother (now 86) is always massively conscious about not ‘intruding’ on her adult children’s time - of course we do things together, but we are also separate individuals with own likes and dislikes.

Can you be brutally honest and say something like ‘it really changes the dynamics for Bob and Dave (the BILs) but we will arrange a weekend away for the three of us some other time.’ It is massively unfair for the BILs to have their MIL drag along, how would you feel if your DH wanted his mother to come on holiday with you?

Kanga83 · 14/06/2019 09:47

Is your dad around or is your mum on her own? If she's on her own and you are staying at your sisters I can completely get her view. I was going to take my daughter on a girly break however with various family things that have happened we are taking my mum along to cheer up and feel included. If your dads with her though my answer would be different.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 14/06/2019 09:48

YANBU.

And all those saying...they feel sorry for your mum/ just let her come Hmm

You both have not had a holiday in a year, your mother goes on many and l assume you have not seen your sister in a while.

Yes, she may want to come but she really shouldn’t of asked or even worse made you to feel guilty about saying next time perhaps.

Arrange another weekend and be firm.

DecomposingComposers · 14/06/2019 09:50

She just fancies joining in with what her two dds are doing.

Her 2 daughters - and their husbands! It's their holiday too. Why should they have to spend it with their mother in law?

QueenKubauOfKish · 14/06/2019 09:50

Can't believe some of the responses on this thread! She has muscled in and is putting pressure on you using emotional blackmail - that's just not on. Not wanting your mum with you on holiday doesn't mean you never want to see her, but spending time with your sister who you are close to, and your partners, is a VERY different thing when your mum is around, and it's not what you planned for yourselves and your families. SHE IBU, and bloody rude.

I'd say no, that is not what we arranged, but maybe suggest you could plan a weekend together later in the year or something. And if she keeps pushing, repeat that. (But then I have spent decades developing the assertiveness skills needed to deal with my mum - I know how hard it is Flowers)

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