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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum wants to come on holiday with us :( help!

317 replies

Dsdx · 14/06/2019 07:18

My mum has suddenly decided that she wants to join me, my husband and son on a holiday that we’ve planned with my sister & her husband. We sisters are both pregnant so we decided to have some chill time together. My husband wants a relaxed holiday. Us sisters love our mum but really don’t want her around. She’s made us feel so guilty saying things like she doesn’t want to miss opportunities to be with us and that the three of us will never be in the same city etc etc. She’s never been so loving so not sure why she’s got a bee in her bonnet about this sisters bonding trip. Should I just be honest and say, no this is our trip? If we let her join in, my husband wont be pleased at all :( as it will change the dynamic of the holiday. Advice?

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 14/06/2019 09:52

This isn’t really your problem!

It’s dsis’s house, not a villa or a hotel. So she should be the one to say mum’s not invited to stay! The way you’ve phrased it is a bit weird, tbh.

Either way, your sister has invited you to stay at her home. It’s not for you to decide or not decide who else can come. Sister needs to deal with it.

Why does your dh have such a problem with your mum??

fonxey · 14/06/2019 09:53

Your mother's obviously feeling quite emotional with both daughters pregnant and maybe if she hasn't been motherly or partly loving she wants to fix that now or ask this maternal feelings are coming back and perhaps it's confusing for her too.

However, it is totally unreasonable for her to ask this of you. She has to know it would change the dynamic, the are some things you'd talk about with your sister/husband's/friend you wouldn't to your mother. She'd be a goosberry.

But i think you're just going to have to be "bad daughter" although it shouldn't just be you who says something, if your sister is also unhappy she ought say something too.

When your kid is born you'll have to be the"bad person" too when you have to tell them no!

I don't know why some parents revert to behaving like babies once their kids grow up. Mine has.

You could compromise and arrange another holiday all together (after babies are born), or invite her over for one day only at the end.

But with people who behave like that you need to be firm. Otherwise they will do it over and over. Mother or not.

QueenKubauOfKish · 14/06/2019 09:54

Oh and if my DC want to go on a trip together when they're adults I wouldn't DREAM if inviting myself, or being put out if they didn't want me there. Way to massively piss your kids off by being appallingly needy. If they do want me to do stuff with them that's lovely, but adults should be able to choose the holidays they want.

Vulpine · 14/06/2019 09:55

My mum is not your classic 'loving and motherly' type, whatever 'motherly' means - but the fact that she gave birth to me, bf me and raised me is enough for me in that area -now I'm all grown-up I enjoy her company as 2 adults hanging out together. And if my dh asked for his mum to come in the same circumstances I would have no hesitation in agreeing. She's not even staying in the same building ffs!

ohtheholidays · 14/06/2019 10:02

Do not let yourself be bullied by your Mum OP,what she is doing is not fair and she knows it and if you give in now she will just keep pushing and pushing for whatever she wants that you don't want in the future because she'll think your weaker than her and all she has to do is moan,winge and cry and you'll do what she wants!

Take it from someone who gave in and let her Mum come on a holiday she was really looking forward to with her 4DC(I was a single Mum)and her Mum ended up ruining it,so now whenever I look at the lovely pictures I took they're all tainted and my Mum has passed away since and I really loved her and I still miss her but do I think I'd feel guilty if I'd stuck to my guns NO!

I feel guilty towards my 4DC because she tainted they're holiday!

My Mum also wasn't very loving!

Proseccoinamug · 14/06/2019 10:04

Why wouldn’t you want your daughters to have a relationship that doesn’t involve you, Appollo? That sounds fairly controlling to me.

LittleRedMushroom · 14/06/2019 10:04

But with people who behave like that you need to be firm. Otherwise they will do it over and over. Mother or not.

Ain't this the truth!
It's upset her now or in the future, the next time she invites herself. When she realises that guilting you works, she'll do it again and again. My mum did. Still tries to even though it never works any more. I became immune to her guilt trips the umpty millionth time she did it.

Save yourself a lot of pain - it's OK that she has invited herself, but it's OK to say no to her too. You are going to have to learn to say no at some point.

jackstini · 14/06/2019 10:06

Just seen you are flying and it's expensive

How often do you and dsis see each other? How often does your mum see you both & does she live nearer you or sis?

Still think you should say no as it's a couples holiday, but answers to the above may make her reason more understandable

FriarTuck · 14/06/2019 10:06

I think it's obvious from this thread that there are future Mumsnetters who are going to have problems with their DMs & DMils inviting themselves along and chucking in a lot of emotional blackmail
OP - just tell her straight that you've planned this with your DSis as a time for the 2 of you to talk pregnancy and for the 2 men to talk imminent fatherhood and while you'd (possibly) be happy to have her along another time, this time is already organised. Bite the bullet. You either piss 1 person off (her) or 4. It doesn't haven't to be said nastily, just keep it matter of fact. If she can't or won't accept that then it's her problem to deal with but emotional blackmail is not on and has no part in an adult relationship. It doesn't matter that she gave birth to you - that does not make you beholden to her for the rest of eternity.

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 14/06/2019 10:07

Agree with QueenKubauOfKish wholeheartedly. If my AC wanted to go away together (pigs might fly before that happened) and they didn't specifically invite me, I'd never dream of asking to come... I visit them, they visit me - but when they go on holiday it's family time for them, and MIL tagging along like a whiny toddler is the last thing they want..!

Jaxhog · 14/06/2019 10:10

I occasionally go on hols with my mum, as does my sister and brothers. But she would never dream of asking to come on our family hols if not invited. Sometimes it's appropriate, sometimes it isn't. Being a close family doesn't mean doing everything together all the time.

It's one thing to ask, but quite another to have a meltdown if the answer is no.

Oohgossip · 14/06/2019 10:11

This all depends on your relationship with her I think.

Blondebakingmumma · 14/06/2019 10:12

Your hubby hasn’t had a holiday in a year and now his MIL want to muscle in. It’s really not fair. Did her mum and MIL join her holidays?

Whosorrynow · 14/06/2019 10:13

She sounds manipulative in the extreme, this is about power and control, proving that she is a 'super adult' and you are all her subordinates

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/06/2019 10:13

I'd actively encourage my adult children to spend time together without me, I want them to have a strong relationship because it will sustain them when I am dead. The oldest is only 17 at the moment but I really enjoy seeing how close they all are.
If they invited me on holiday then I'd go if I could, but otherwise I'd just be happy for them. If I am lonely then that isn't something I'd try to offload onto my children and surely even a small child knows that not everything has to be about them! YANBU, OP and I think you will need to be quite firm here. I'd accept being the baddie as the price of a peaceful holiday to be honest.

Whosorrynow · 14/06/2019 10:15

If you give into her this time she will be in a stronger position to use the same tactics in the future, the more you let her take control and have her own way the more she feels entitled to take control, you have to take the power away from her

PutyourtoponTrevor · 14/06/2019 10:16

It matters not one jot how often everyone sees each other, the OP wants a holiday with her sister and their partners. Her mother can't be a very nice person to emotionally blackmail them into inviting her along, nice loving mothers don't do this

PutyourtoponTrevor · 14/06/2019 10:18

And it doesn't matter what their relationship is like, I love my mum to bits and she me, but I'd never invite her on holiday if my partner want happy about it, nor would she expect to be invited

ApplePPPie · 14/06/2019 10:20

Hold firm OP. It’s sounds like she will ruin the dynamic of the holiday when you and your DSis could otherwise be relaxing and enjoying yourselves.

My MIL gatecrashed one of my holidays with DH. We had separate rooms thankfully, but ended up having to wait around for her to get ready every morning before breakfast and every evening before dinner (never rushes herself), go to the restaurants she wanted to go to and worst of all, our very small balcony had room for 2 loungers, guess who parked herself on one of them for the entire time! So either me or DH had to be inside our room. Never again!!

NauseousMum · 14/06/2019 10:21

Yanbu.

She's not motherly towards you both, yet she expects time from you when she wants it.
She's guilting you all.
She's crying manipulatively.

Tell her no. It's your husband and BIL holiday too. You need to set boundaries. You can meet up and spend time with her another time. She's not being excluded unless bil/dhs parents are being 'excluded' too. It's not a dd holiday together, it's two families who haven't invited any of their parents

So weird upset at dds on holiday. Dsis and i meet up without mum. Mum meets with her sisters without her mum. If you have a good relationship with your kids, why would you be upset and not happy at their closeness?

Justmuddlingalong · 14/06/2019 10:21

If you give in, nobody will have a great time. She'll have leverage for the "next" time. If everyone's in agreement that they'd rather she not come, you're going to have to bite the bullet. If you do it now you can go back to looking forward to your holiday. If not, it'll hang over you until you bottle out and say nothing.

Freefrops · 14/06/2019 10:21

Has your mother got the FOMO (fear of missing out)?

Good luck for when the babies are born

Fairenuff · 14/06/2019 10:25

OP could you clarify

Does your mum have a partner
Do you have any other siblings?
How far apart do you all live
How often do you and your dsis see your mum

The answer to these might shed some light on the way she is feeling and would definitely influence my decision.

PeachesAndMayo · 14/06/2019 10:30

Just say no. You don't need to get upset.

fonxey · 14/06/2019 10:31

@Vulpine The DH didn't ask her or invite or even wants her there. She invited herself, which is an entirely different scenario.

Would you invite yourself to someone else's holiday and expect them to welcome you in despite the fact you would be kinda the is odd one out?

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