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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum wants to come on holiday with us :( help!

317 replies

Dsdx · 14/06/2019 07:18

My mum has suddenly decided that she wants to join me, my husband and son on a holiday that we’ve planned with my sister & her husband. We sisters are both pregnant so we decided to have some chill time together. My husband wants a relaxed holiday. Us sisters love our mum but really don’t want her around. She’s made us feel so guilty saying things like she doesn’t want to miss opportunities to be with us and that the three of us will never be in the same city etc etc. She’s never been so loving so not sure why she’s got a bee in her bonnet about this sisters bonding trip. Should I just be honest and say, no this is our trip? If we let her join in, my husband wont be pleased at all :( as it will change the dynamic of the holiday. Advice?

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 14/06/2019 08:19

Curious by "not a holiday" people mean, they've not booked a villa or hotel.

It's simplified.

Most people would say "I'm going to stay with my sister..." rather than "My holiday"

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 14/06/2019 08:22

Ultimately you do have to put your dh first. You are married to him.
Tell dm you can arrange a day out just for you her +dsis when you get back.
Don't let her emotionally blackmail you. Even if she has promised help pp. You aren't beholding to her

NettleTea · 14/06/2019 08:22

have you ever done anything, just the 2 of you sisters, together that excludes her - are you close? you refer to this as a bonding time, so do you feel that you are not as close as you would like to be? is it usually her and one of you, or she controls all the family contact? Just wondering if, given the emotional manipulation here, she doesnt want you getting close in a way that she doesnt control.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/06/2019 08:23

'People' have not said that, though, Henny they have simply dismissed OPs description.

It's simplified is the problem.

Whenever my DSis stay here it is her holiday... if I go to her, it is my holiday. We holiday out of each others homes. We do all the usual holiday stuff, stuff we wouldn't do if not on holiday - beach, touristy places etc etc

Just because others want to call it 'staying with family' doesn't mean that it cannot be a holiday for others. Being so dismissive is, quite frankly, rude and not to naice at al!

Beautiful3 · 14/06/2019 08:23

Book a separate trip another time just you sisters and your mum for one weekend. Don't think it's fair to encroach on your families trip. It will completely change the dynamics.

Beautiful3 · 14/06/2019 08:25

Tell your mum this trip isn't a holiday. You just need to spend some time with your sister. If she doesn't understand that, then she's being a little selfish.

dottiedodah · 14/06/2019 08:28

If you get on well with her and might like some babysitting duties post birth ,may be best not to exclude her too readily/!.Can she not spend a few hours with you ,and say you go out together in the evenings and she back to her hotel maybe?.I can see that you both want to bond with your DS and DSH together. but she probably feels a bit left out TBH.Is she on her own or is Dad in the picture ?.Try to reach a compromise if you can .

HiJuice · 14/06/2019 08:29

Feel a bit sorry for lonely old mum being left out...on the other hand people should know that if they need to persuade you to invite them it will end up awkward.
Difficult without knowing more of the dynamic such as why husband dislikes her.
I think though, I'd say no but arrange something else for her to look forward to even if just a day out with the 3 of you.
If I was going to be expecting a lot of help post baby it might be better to include her though.
When saying no just be vague and say it won't work out this time - then don't be drawn into discussion - don't make up lies or tell her the harsh truth.

diddl · 14/06/2019 08:29

Even if your close & get on well, it doesn't mean that you want her at everything you do though.

How often does she see you both?

Would this be a rare chance to see you both together?

crustycrab · 14/06/2019 08:31

Does your mum see it as a holiday? Because it's definitely not. Your sister isn't even going anywhere. It's more like your mum visiting while you are there, a chance to see all her family together.

And she's even booking into a hotel so won't be around for all of it. Sorry but I think YABU in a way. However, just tell her you'd rather see her on your own with your sister for better quality time and suggest a weekend away?

Vulpine · 14/06/2019 08:32

It's a bit mean to say no. She's your mum. She won't live forever.

TheWernethWife · 14/06/2019 08:32

Why are posters suggesting alternatives. OP doesn't want her there, it will change the dynamics of the holiday. We can't all get what we want in life and mum is throwing a tantrum to get her own way, blaming OPs DH is not on.

MorningRichie · 14/06/2019 08:35

So everything anyone ever does should involve their parents as they won't live forever? What a load of horseshit.

With comments like that, I'd recommend you stand for leader of the Conservative Party. Youxl'd have a good chance of winning.

Apolloanddaphne · 14/06/2019 08:37

I will be honest here. As the mother of 2 adult DDs I would probably be upset if they were visiting each other and didn't want me to see them while they were together. I don't actually think they would ever do that tbh. And I am not at all the needy sort.

It's not really a holiday for your sister. She is just at home and you are visiting. I can see why your DM wants to come too.

Nanny0gg · 14/06/2019 08:37

It's a bit mean to say no. She's your mum. She won't live forever

Nor will the OP. Why can't she have the holiday she wants?

eggsandwich · 14/06/2019 08:40

How does your sister and Bil feel about her wanting to come?

CraftyYankee · 14/06/2019 08:41

On its face your mother seems very manipulative and selfish. Does she have a history of making things about her? And does your DH not like her, or just not want to go on vacation with her? Plenty of people I'm fine with for a few hours but don't want more than that.

Unless there is massive backstory you should support your DHs wishes, he is the one you live with after all. But it is hard to deal with the emotional blackmail. Make sure you and your sister are in agreement and then respond.

MorningRichie · 14/06/2019 08:41

I am starting to despair at the state of this world. Apollo has just effectively said she doesn't want her daughters to spend time together without her.

Theres been a thread about child free people being selfish...

getback · 14/06/2019 08:44

I agree with Apollo. Unless there is a backstory this is quite sad. If it was just immediate family I could understand but your sister and DH are there and your mum will be in a hotel so not under your feet. Did I miss a post or don't you get on?

MorningRichie · 14/06/2019 08:45

Actually, Yankee has it right.

The husband should just make it so its easier to piss off the mother than him. That's what we would tell a woman if it was her MIL interfering.

Antigon · 14/06/2019 08:46

She’s never been so loving

^ This is key for me. Are you saying she wasn’t loving through your childhood / young adult hood?

If she wasn’t, then she can’t expect to reap the rewards of work she never did when you were growing up.

But if I tell her no I fear she’ll just get all emotional and then I’ll have to deal with that at some later stage

I would ignore her, it’s like a child having a tantrum.

Antigon · 14/06/2019 08:48

@Apolloanddaphne

I will be honest here. As the mother of 2 adult DDs I would probably be upset if they were visiting each other and didn't want me to see them while they were together. I don't actually think they would ever do that tbh. And I am not at all the needy sort.

If you can’t understand that your DDs may want to holiday without their mum around then you are the needy sort.

Hollowvictory · 14/06/2019 08:49

Choose not to feel guilty. Don't give in to FOG. Enjoy your holiday but don't speak about it in front of your mum.

Hopeygoflightly · 14/06/2019 08:55

I feel for your mum, it's not really a sisters 'bonding' thing if the rest of the family are going. You just don't want her there and I can sympathise as I've been in a similar position with DF but we brought him with us in the end. Of course it changed the dynamic a bit but he's our DF.

PenelopeFlintstone · 14/06/2019 08:55

YABU. Let her go. You said she's nice. Don't be mean.