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AIBU?

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Original poster

About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

374 replies

Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 18:53

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/06/2019 23:27

The brain cells are indeed lacking because the point is that the ex’s concern is that his daughter not be moved from her home.

Ahh but you said “She has one child, she does NOT need a 4 bed house. Their child is only 5, she can be moved to a 2 bed property or his Ed can fund the 4 bed house.”

You said the child can be moved. Meaning you think she should be moved. Meaning the mother should be moved too. Because, obviously, the child can’t be moved alone. Wink

How many rooms does OPs house have? Do we know?

chamenanged · 13/06/2019 23:30

The brain cells are indeed lacking because the point is that the ex’s concern is that his daughter not be moved from her home. So OP needs to make the point to her partner that a 5yo can be just as happy in a 2 bed home if that’s all her parents can reasonably afford.

I think there's a bit missing here - why does OP need to do that and what makes you think her boyfriend will say anything but "you knew the deal, you benefit from my high earnings too, wind your neck in"? OP might well need to have a conversation with her partner about the lack of time and attention he gives their own child. She probably ought to speak to him about getting married too, for her own sake. What she definitely doesn't need to tell him is anything about where his five year old with someone else should be happy living Confused

Pipandmum · 13/06/2019 23:33

Gifts for Father’s Day (or Mothers Day)? A home made card and breakfast in bed and a meal out (or favourite meal in) is about as far as we’ve ever gone. And forget about the ex. We never got a present on behalf of his kids with his ex and she never did for him on Father’s Day - that would be weird. Fathers and mothers are grown ups and I think they shouldn’t be expecting gifts ‘from’ small children.
However I think the alarm clock gift is a funny and jokey present. How precious is he to be hurt by that?

Antigon · 13/06/2019 23:34

You said the child can be moved. Meaning you think she should be moved. Meaning the mother should be moved too. Because, obviously, the child can’t be moved alone

No ‘can be moved’ is not the same as ‘should be moved’.

If the ex can afford to maintain the current house with reduced maintenance or if OP’s DP decides that he wants to continue to pay current level of maintenance enabling his dd to stay in current house then dd should not be moved. The point of the thread is to help OP, because she is the one posting, and she is the one left with the baby most of the time her DP is working crazy hours.

Antigon · 13/06/2019 23:43

I think there's a bit missing here - why does OP need to do that and what makes you think her boyfriend will say anything but "you knew the deal, you benefit from my high earnings too, wind your neck in"? OP might well need to have a conversation with her partner about the lack of time and attention he gives their own child. She probably ought to speak to him about getting married too, for her own sake. What she definitely doesn't need to tell him is anything about where his five year old with someone else should be happy living confused

The ‘missing bit’ has been addressed numerous times. OP says her DP is working silly hours to pay the ‘huge maintenance’ so his dd can live in the family home.

If she wants her DP at home more then she needs to tell him he needs to reduce his hours, which may mean reducing maintenance to ex, which in turn may mean ex not being able to continue to afford current home.

Who knows what his response will be? She says he’s a good guy so he may want to do right by both his dd and OP and their dc.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/06/2019 23:44

No ‘can be moved’ is not the same as ‘should be moved’.

Your meaning was clear Wink

Rachie1973 · 13/06/2019 23:47

Well it kinda depends on what he earns. 60 hours a week as management... should imagine it is a large chunk.

Rightly so.

Antigon · 13/06/2019 23:49

Your meaning was clear

Clearly not as you have not understood it Wink

chamenanged · 13/06/2019 23:59

*If she wants her DP at home more then she needs to tell him he needs to reduce his hours, which may mean reducing maintenance to ex, which in turn may mean ex not being able to continue to afford current home.

Who knows what his response will be?*

Well, the OP does know what his response will be because he's already given it - he's specifically said he wants to keep his daughter in the house. She could try and force his hand, but given his current demonstration of where she and their son come in his priorities compared to his ex and daughter, I suspect she wisely doesn't want to ask the question for fear she won't like the answer.

Alfiesmom15 · 14/06/2019 00:11

Wow theres alot of bitter women on here tonight ain't there.... they're not gift exchanging between themselves it's on behalf of the little one..... why are people concerned about how old the little one was when they separated that's none of anyone's concern.... hes there for the child pays his maintenance that's all there is to it, being late... its called a mistake. (Although from reading alot of posts on here people arent allowed to make them)

OP you were being unreasonable looking but I think you know that, I do think the gift was a sly dig though which is a bit petty but dont get yourselves worked up about it treat it as a joke when he opens it, you dont need to make it a negative moment....

People going on about how its parenting to have them over the weekend and how a single parent should get time off.... I disagree with this... I have a son, I work full time, we then have my partners daughter at the weekend, my partner works fri, sat and sun night (dj) but she has every right to have time off but apparently it's not my right because my partner happens to live in the same house? I think some of you should probably stop being so bitter and trying to make other people feel bad over something trivial really for your own validation...

(Sorry op it is a bit trivial but I suppose baby is less then 3 months old while partner works all these hours your probably just stressed and worked it into something big)

Antigon · 14/06/2019 00:11

Well, the OP does know what his response will be because he's already given it - he's specifically said he wants to keep his daughter in the house. She could try and force his hand, but given his current demonstration of where she and their son come in his priorities compared to his ex and daughter, I suspect she wisely doesn't want to ask the question for fear she won't like the answer.

OP seems keen not to see him be sad so she may not have communicated her frustration at being left alone all the time with baby and may have just asked why he works such long hours.

Definitely worth having another chat if she wants to see any changes.

JockTamsonsBairns · 14/06/2019 00:13

By my quick calculations, I'm guessing that your DsD would have been around 2yo when her father left due to being "not happy". Was there an OW? I get that it can be a challenging time for a couple, parenting a toddler, but to up and leave?

steff13 · 14/06/2019 00:17

Father's Day in the US has been and gone.

No, it's this coming Sunday.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/06/2019 00:27

but she has every right to have time off but apparently it's not my right because my partner happens to live in the same house?

You do have a right. You also have a choice not to live with someone who has children, but you didn’t make that choice, you made the choice to live with someone who has children that visit at the weekend. You don’t really get to complain that the mother of that child has time off when you made the choice to live with the other parent of the child!

Duck90 · 14/06/2019 00:30

alfiesmom15. they're not gift exchanging between themselves it's on behalf of the little one.....

But the gift was disproportionate, the gifts given were not chosen by the little one. The op did not say the 5 year old picked the pandora gift.

Supporting the child to make a card is what it should be.

mmmhazelnutchocolate · 14/06/2019 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/06/2019 00:49

Ilovemaxibondi loves an argument that goes round in circles and thread derailing.

Confused huh? ^thats derailing. For what purpose, I don’t know.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 14/06/2019 00:53

they're not gift exchanging between themselves it's on behalf of the little one

Didn't OP say her OP was opening the present without DD as he was working?

mmmhazelnutchocolate · 14/06/2019 01:07

Yeah you do it a lot. You pick on one thing a poster says and then you're like a dog with a bone.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/06/2019 01:10

Clearly I’ve picked you up on something on a previous thread Grin get over it. Stop derailing this one with your personal gripes.

RiversDisguise · 14/06/2019 01:17

Next Mother's Day he should send her a horse's head in a giftbag.

That should test how amazing her sense of humour is!

I'm 100% serious.

mmmhazelnutchocolate · 14/06/2019 01:25

Ah yes the Grinemoji you're so fond of!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/06/2019 01:29

^more derailing.

You clearly have a problem with me and are following me around the boards to have a go. I have no idea who you are or how I’ve offended you so greatly. However, I’m respectfully asking you to leave me alone now. Don’t tag me, don’t post snide comments about me or at me. Just stop now. You’ve made your point, you’ve got it off your chest. Let it go.

Thelittlemermaidphoto · 14/06/2019 01:33

I can’t get over the fact the ex buys him clothes!

mmmhazelnutchocolate · 14/06/2019 01:47

Perhaps you can respectfully stop passive aggressively nitpicking people over and over again, and then we can both win.