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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

374 replies

Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 18:53

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

OP posts:
PatricksRum · 14/06/2019 03:58

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Beebeezed · 14/06/2019 04:33

Jesus. Some of these posters are like a pack of wolves tonight.
OP, I totally understand you want to put on a memorable first Father’s Day from your son. I am the same. It’s sentimental and important to you. Which is absolutely fine. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Give him your presents, put on the Father’s Day as you imagined it and then give the presents from his ex. He may see the funny side, he may not but hopefully he won’t let it affect his mood and let it override everything you’ve done for him. You sound like a caring partner and I’m glad you two have a lovely relationship where you adore him. (I’m sure he adores you too! Smile )
My DP has been amazing since the birth of my son, I understand this is expected from a dad and doesn’t need to be rewarded but I want to. So, on Sunday I am making him his breakfast in bed and (shock horror!) have bought him several gifts. People on MN would certainly hate this and be very vocal in telling me this may not like this, but guess what?! They won’t be there!
Please don’t let these comments upset you OP! Flowers also, to chamenanged how have you concluded that he’s controlling? And why does it matter if OP is 22/23? Does this affect her importance? Seems like an ageist comment to make to me Confused

chamenanged · 14/06/2019 06:05

I didn't conclude it, I said I could well imagine that being the story from the other perspective. No, being 22 wouldn't affect her 'importance', but it's likely to affect her attitude worldview. It really isn't ageist to not behave as if people's ages have absolutely no impact on a situation Hmm

chamenanged · 14/06/2019 06:05

*attitude/worldview

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 14/06/2019 06:56

I need to find this world where working parents get the weekends off! Dp is a SAHD to our children together and my daughter (not his) he doesn't get time away from the 3 children. I work full time in a stressful job and we

FancyAPint · 14/06/2019 07:12

@Alfiesmom15

People going on about how its parenting to have them over the weekend and how a single parent should get time off.... I disagree with this... I have a son, I work full time, we then have my partners daughter at the weekend, my partner works fri, sat and sun night (dj) but she has every right to have time off but apparently it's not my right because my partner happens to live in the same house

Yes you can, you can go out and leave the house anytime your partner is at home - you don't have to continuously have both of your there.

Likewise @Iputthescrewinthetuna

I need to find this world where working parents get the weekends off! Dp is a SAHD to our children together and my daughter (not his) he doesn't get time away from the 3 children. I work full time in a stressful job

Why on earth can't he go out when you get back from work in the evening? - doesn't need 2 of you there constantly!

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 14/06/2019 07:22

Sent too soon.

However @FancyAPint
I don't get home until 7pm, Dp isn't very social, his hobbies are home based. He may pop out to the pub for an hour on a Sunday.
My point was, parents are not necessarily entitled to breaks. We haven't had time together on our own for 2 years. So OP saying that her partner works all week and then spends all weekend with kids...isn't that normal parenting?

lasttimeround · 14/06/2019 07:27

I think the alarm clock is excellent.

mycatismeowican · 14/06/2019 07:28

You bought 11 other gifts to make up for an alarm clock Hmm why?
It sounds practical and much needed

Why does he buy her expensive gifts? Maybe he should get her something practical too. Tampons? Umbrella? Rolling pin? Etc

mycatismeowican · 14/06/2019 07:29

Lol the op has left the building!!!

Quartz2208 · 14/06/2019 07:29

There is a lot here which is odd

First off is he in retail or restaurant business as long hours are common

How if the house was hers before could she afford it then and not now
Is she with you every weekend?
How much of this has nothing to do with her and exactly was hoofer says

Villanellesproudmum · 14/06/2019 07:30

Alarm clock is great, I'd find it amusing!

00100001 · 14/06/2019 07:40
ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/06/2019 08:00

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Hollowvictory · 14/06/2019 08:34

Wonder what his next baby momma will think?

FuckeryOmbudsman · 14/06/2019 08:36

"There is a lot here which is odd"

Yes

CanILeavenowplease · 14/06/2019 09:09

everyone is saying it’s “normal parenting” to never have a rest. But in separated families it’s actually pretty usual for parents to get respite

Yeah, it's proper 'respite' sending your children off to an ex for a couple of days a whilst you work, isn't it?

Like most separated parents, I run myself ragged when my children are with me, what with having a full time job and a part-time one and a seasonal one as well. If I am lucky enough to have a day without either work or children, it is usually spent cleaning the house because I've had bugger all time to do it in the previous days/weeks leading up to the 'respite day'.

I love it that dad's are saints for having their children and mothers are supposed to feel grateful for the 'respite'.

Alfiesmom15 · 14/06/2019 10:20

No I cant just leave the house in the evening again ridiculous comment.... I get home and funnily enough I like to spend the evening with my son.... we also have sd one 2 nights in the week aswell so where would my time off come?.....
At no point am I disregarding a single parent being harder but for having a extra person in the house doeent make real life a walk in the park either.

pikapikachu · 14/06/2019 10:29

I know that the stereotype of respite is getting nails and hair done, getting drunk etc but I bet that most are catching up on housework, working, food shopping, diy and other dull tasks when their child is with their ex because there's 101 tasks that they are behind on. If you read enough MN then you'd know that lots of dads have contact at the mum's home and it's not unusual for contact to be very short periods like 2 hours (plus travel to and from contact!)

Full time workers who are out of the house 12 hours a day are hardly uncommon. I certainly didn't feel that I was especially hardworking being out of the house 60 hours a week. Perfectly common to work 10 hours plus an hour's commute each way 5 days a week- especially if you live in a city. There is little time in the evening with the kids but millions of parents up and down the country do this.

PookieDo · 14/06/2019 10:30

My ex partner bought his ex wife very expensive lovely mother’s day and birthday gifts ‘from the kids’ and for some reason it annoyed me a LOT.

Mothers and Father’s Day is just about a little card and a small token gift IMO. My DC make things and I am happy to give them money for a card or some chocolate for their dad and he does the same for me but that’s the limit

Perhaps this is now when the gift giving needs to just be something a child has chosen or made

mussolini9 · 14/06/2019 10:54

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined.

No. FFS, no.
You are coming over as controlling. Has it not occured to you that your partner is an adult, & will handle his own response to his gift in his own manner? Also that his relationship with his ex is HIS to manage, not you?

There seems to be a lot of gift-buying going on.
Why on earth is he buying gifts for his ex, or she him? It all sounds rather contrived & precious. And why do you feel you have to engage in competitive gift-purchasing (11 presents!)?

I think you are creating issues where none need to exist.
Focus on your own child, your own relationship with your partner, & butt out of trying to manage your partner's life.

SnakeRattleRoll · 14/06/2019 11:10

@ElizaPancakes in my experience, the work is the rest!

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 14/06/2019 11:15

alarm clock is tongue in cheek - I would find it funny.

Gift giving between exes is a personal choice, but they can’t get on that badly if there’s enough goodwill to do so IME.

Jewellery is a very odd choice as it’s so personal- I have some lovely stuff from my ex I don’t wear but keep for the kids for that reason.

Keep your jealousy/resentment about her house to yourself, it’s not a good look. He paid towards living in her house when he lived there and now pays towards maintaining his dd- the money for which goes to his ex and she may or may not use that money to pay for the house directly. Either way that’s got nothing to do with you.

Comparison is the thief of joy- don’t go looking or trying to get one up on his ex- you’ll only make yourself miserable.

whothedaddy · 14/06/2019 11:42

I find the alarm clock both hilarious and practical.

Flowers, jewellery to an ex partner is totally over the top and sounds like your partner is trying to make up for something/trying to be flash to 'buy' that he is a good dad.

You say that you have the little girl every weekend...yet she won't see him on Father's day (a Sunday) as he is working.

There is no such thing as too much maintenance. The ex is entitled to just as much financial support for her daughter as you are for your son. He absolutely does not 'allow' her to stay in a house you deem too big because he pays maintenance. Selling a home and downsizing is expensive. It is also his ex and their daughters home...if he is struggling financially shouldn't you downsize? or is that not fair??? Of course he contributed to her home when they lived together...was she supposed to keep him living there for free?

11 gifts from a baby that can't even hold their head up is crazy.

I get that blended and separated families are difficult to negotiate, I know I'm part of one, but stop competing with the ex. All this 'she does x,y,z' is only going to piss you off and is none of your business.

So she doesn't want to meet you, she is perfectly withing her right to be like that. It's one thing to have a relationship with the child but you and the ex mean nothing to each other. You don't have to play happy families.

Do your own thing and let her do hers and stop snooping on presents...you are a grown adult not a 5 year old at christmas.

all this drama over an alarm clock. flippin' ek

SVRT19674 · 14/06/2019 11:43

I know all this gift giving is a thing, why give your spouse something for father/mother day? It is the child who gifts his mother and father something. My husband is not my father.(thank god). We both got a hand made present from school and that is ample.