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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

374 replies

Alaurable97 · 13/06/2019 18:53

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

OP posts:

Thuglife · 14/06/2019 12:12

I bought ExP a nasal hair trimmer “from DD” last Fathers Day. Now thats passive aggressive

JassyRadlett · 14/06/2019 15:10

Depressed by the number of people who go out of their way and spend money on gifts that will probably make another person feel bad about themselves rather than have an honest conversation about the thing that annoys you and then getting the fuck over it - or not giving a gift at all.

If you want to make yourself feel good, why not just buy yourself a gift with the cash and skip the bit where you’re trying to make the other person feel a bit shit or make a joke at their expense?

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 14/06/2019 17:25

@Thuglife that is one of the presents my dp has got this year.
He did ask for one though so not too bad.

MummasTheWord · 14/06/2019 17:30

Rise above it, highlights to him even more he had upgraded to a better wifey AND I am guessing you’d rather this than her presents outdoing your ones lol! He is a grown man and knows this is his ex being bitter/mean.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 14/06/2019 17:33

I see certain people are very happy to dish it out but can’t cope when it’s returned.

icedgem85 · 14/06/2019 17:37

Lighten up, it’s funny!!

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 14/06/2019 17:42

You are a real piece of work.

user1472151176 · 14/06/2019 17:46

I used to take my step daughter shopping to get her dad something or get something for her to give to him. His ex used to do bits but generally it was up to me and my in laws to organise. To be honest it sounds like a cheeky gift but he probably won't care, as long as he gets to spend time with her. I personally don't thi k you buying extra presents from your own child will make up for anything, it may just look as though you're trying to out do his ex. Everyone has their own set up so I wouldn't worry too much. Maybe draw a picture with her to give to him - he will probably appreciate the time you put in as well (I know - with an 11 week old it's easier said then done)

IceQueenCometh · 14/06/2019 17:54

Is his phone a Motorola? Mine does the same. Turns itself off randomly. Really bloody annoying and especially so when you miss something and people smirk and say "yeah, right"

Madmarchpear · 14/06/2019 17:59

I think its a joke. I bet he misses thosem

Mrskisses · 14/06/2019 18:03

I think it’s quite funny

Pinkmouse6 · 14/06/2019 18:04

I think it’s quite funny, I appreciate her humour . Your DH wouldn’t get a break from his children if he lived with them full time either... And I completely understand why she was pissed off at him that day when he made her late for work.

I’m on her side, sorry.

loveyou3000 · 14/06/2019 18:04

She may have felt she was being thoughtful...
And for some PPs-my DD's dad and I still get each other small gifts for fathers and mothers day, even Christmas, and my on/off OH's ex gets him fathers day gifts too. We all feel valued, and our co-parenting relationship is very strong. Lots of love going around.
FWIW, I adore my DD's step mum, she is incredible especially as she is so young. I'm glad she's in our lives, it was hard to accept at first but I'm glad I got over myself

DeniseRoyal · 14/06/2019 18:14

Sorry, but I think all the excessive gift giving is totally unreasonable. Ex gf giving an alarm clock is fine. Might be an idea to speak to your OH as to why he thinks its appropriate to buy his EX partner a pandora charm...I don't think I would be happy with it tbh.

Witchtower · 14/06/2019 18:14

None of your business
Is laugh it off
Usually when a relationship breaks down it’s a two way street. I’m sure the ex feels the same way as your partner
He should have been there to collect his child
‘His only two days off’ seriously?

Crazyunicornlady · 14/06/2019 18:17

11 gifts is ridiculous! I’m sorry but your child won’t be more special to your DP than his other DC no matter how many gifts he receives and your gifting is never going to make up for his ex’s choice of gift. He knows in any case that they are not chosen by his young children but by their mothers...

Lou12124 · 14/06/2019 18:18

Oh my life! All of you are just jumping on why 11 gifts have been bought? It's actually non of your business who's money it is or what account its come from. You have all just completely ignored what the post is about and decided to just attack op!

I think its lovely you've bought like you said little things for his first fathers day with his son. Regardless whether their big or small it has no relevance tbh.

With regards to you peeking in the present I would be truthful about it with DH. Just say it exactly how you have told us and how his ex makes you feel that's why you peeked. Because it's the truth?
Dont get caught up on how his ex is. You cant change her or the situation....all you can do is be the best mun/stepmum and partner. Your step daughter may go home and rub it in how she loves it at daddy's house and she has so much fun/new brother/ all exciting things....so this is probably hard for ex to hear and why she is resentful.

It shows how much you care about DH from the OP so dont listen too much to all the down putters!!

1forAll74 · 14/06/2019 18:18

This is all very strange,and over the top stuff. People can buy what they wish for others,but to get to the level of checking gifts and saying ,not too nice comments about them ,is not good. And the eleven compensation gifts, well the mind boggles. Eleven smarties,or 11 Maltesers is ok though !!

flyingspaghettimonster · 14/06/2019 18:24

Good grief. He is getting 12 gifts for fsthers day from 2 kids? That is the unreasonable thing. Maybe he would have preferred being able to work a little less rather than see all that money wasted.

And an alarm clock does sound useful as a back up.

Witchtower · 14/06/2019 18:26

The reason why everyone is jumping on the gifts is due to the fact that they were bought out of guilt and to overcompensate for the alarm clock. It’s not a competition. I’m sure one meaningful present is better than 11.
OP has come across bitter in her post.

Nearly47 · 14/06/2019 18:35

I would be concerned that he is buying her pandora bracelets And I think that an alarm clock is a great "pocket money" present for father's Day. That's something my kids would get their father. Do you want his ex. to buy him gifts?

CorBlimeyGovenor · 14/06/2019 18:44

I personally think that it is nice that, despite not being together, that they still help pick out presents from their child. They are putting their child first. I do think that the alarm clock is unkind though. Even if intended as a bit of a laugh, his young child was unlikely to chose it, therefore the gift giving (for the sake of the child) has been misused. There's no need for you to compensate though. You could have just got his young child to show their appreciation by making him a nice card or picture to make up for the lack of a personalized/chosen gift.

Ozziewozzie · 14/06/2019 18:48

I disagree with anyone who has responded on here by suggesting you are nuts.
I get the impression you're kind, thoughtful and incredibly supportive of your husband.
Some women would be complaining gifts being exchanged in the first place was an issue. But you are actually secure enough in your relationship to not take issue with it.
I don't know the ex obviously, but your chap sounds very 'pleasing'. If his ex is the opposite for example he will probably expect and accept the type of gifts she gives him. I guess moving forward in time, he may chose to put less effort in over time. Besides, the dc will be able to choose for herself making the gifts far more sentimental.
I understand she may have been frustrated as he was late twice, but generally this can happen to the best of us. It always comes across as far worse when regarding children (your late do you can't possibly care about our child)
We've all been late for work, or collecting kids from schools, gp appts. His ex will know if he's a 'can't be arsed dad or not.
Try not to worry. If your chap takes offence, he will quickly move on. The chances are though he may find it funny.
To me it's could be seen as a tad spiteful, so I see your point.

Nearly47 · 14/06/2019 18:57

I still find extremely sword that someone is buying jewellery and flowers for an ex. There are so many presents to buy that dint have romantic connotations as jellewry? Unless it was his daughter who chose it and he was only paying for it. Also I don't get why he would be upset because she's got him an alarm clock. And why you worry so much about it? Unless you are 17 years old I am really struggling to get this.

GPatz · 14/06/2019 18:58

It's petty, but rise above it. She seems to be more interested in being petty than giving consideration to her DC as the gift giver, as a child wouldn't understand why she is giving her father an alarm clock for Father's Day.

She's obviously an ex for a reason.

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