About this petty father's Day gift from his ex?

[Alaurable97]

Hey so I'm really sorry if this is the wrong board, I kinda know I've been a bit naughty and I shouldn't have poked my nose in, but I did. My bad.

Anyway my partner's ex is not the nicest, I really don't like the way she treats my partner but hey I guess that's why they split up.

My partner bought her lovely mother's Day gifts, pandora charm, flowers and more (I'm not 100% sure, I didn't delve into asking him but was there with him when he bought the other two).

He works upwards of 60 hours a week, we have an 11 week old baby and on his only 2 days off we have his child from their relationship. She's only little bless her so of course she is very full on wanting to play (which is totally fine by us) but of course he doesn't get a break from work or the kids given the amount of hours he works to be able to support us and pay the huge amount of child maintenance he pays.

Anyways, I digress. A couple of mornings when he was supposed to get her, his alarm didn't go off because his phone did this weird thing all of a sudden where it turned itself off despite being charged.

I 100% understand her frustration because she had to get to work but I thought she'd be a little understanding given his situation. He was really apologetic to her and admitted to me that it was awful he wasn't there to collect her.

Anyways, for his birthday and Xmas she has bought him the same top x4 (2 each occasion) and I got a bit nosey and peeked in the gift bag she had given him to see if she'd done the same for father's Day and she has bought him an alarm clock!!!! I'm guessing this is relating to the two times his alarm didn't go off and he has now fixed the issue with his phone.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is petty and unkind? Despite the way she treats him he is always reasonable with her and I think that's just darnright spiteful of her.

Now I'm wondering, do I prewarn him? It's our sons first father's Day with him and I know he is going to be hurt and upset, I don't want his day to be ruined. I can really see that does his best for their child and in my mind nothing says 'you are a crap father' more than this gift!

I am dreading him opening his gift from her, I've gone and bought 11 gifts from our son to compensate but I don't think it's going to conceal the fact that his ex wants to upset him.

She is always doing things to belittle him and make him feel like crap but I think this is too far. What do you guys think?

Again, I know I was naughty to peek. Very nosey indeed.

She's a bit petty and if this were the other way around and it was on Mother's Day and the ex wife was receiving a passive aggressive alarm clock I suspect a lot of the people on this thread would change their tune.

YANBU but all you can do is make it a nice day for him, which it sounds like you are.

Instead of giving all 11 presents to him from your DC why don’t you consider showing one or more of them to DSD and asking her if she would like to give it (or them) as an extra gift to your DH - so she has one her mummy helped her choose and one you helped her choose. So long as you don’t do it in a nasty way by making your chosen gift obviously better than her DMs one then it might be a nice way of involving her even more in Father’s Day. I’m not a SM but my DD is and she and her partner’s ex - whilst they will never be friends - co-operate fully as far as the good of the children is concerned. Surely making sure no child in the family feels in any way lesser because they are a step child of one of you is the most important thing.

"I get the impression you're kind, thoughtful and incredibly supportive of your husband."

^ this

I think you need to untangle your thoughts about Father's Day.

Does he work such long hours because that's his job? Or is he doing extra overtime since you met him or since you went on maternity leave?

Do you think he should have had some of the capital from the house that his ex wife bought before they met, and can presumably afford without his maintenance?

Do you think he would be more available to your ds and you if he saw his dd less?

Why did you look at the present?

Why won't he see his dd on a Sunday because he will be working when he has his dd two days a week. At five years old she must be at school on the second day then.

Did he really just decide he didn't want to be with her anymore and move into his own place? And then you moved in with him?

The whole thing is really strange, apart from the alarm clock, which is quite funny.

Poor man must be shattered, but that does come with long hour jobs and children.

You sound jealous and quite judg-ey. Presumably at some point a court set what seemed a reasonable amount of maintenance for him to pay. It’s a bit of a cheap shot getting that as a present for child to give him yes. But perhaps they have always had quite a sarcastic relationship and he’ll think it’s funny? Who knows.

Rather than massively compensate with gifts from your son perhaps you could have helped his daughter buy something nicer for her to give him?

By the way I gave my kids money to buy their father nice presents for Sunday. Even though at this point in the divorce process I’d rather give him a steaming hot dog turd in an envelope. Because I’d never want my kids to feel awkward and they are too young to sort something on their own

TBH op I think you come across as a bit nuts.
M day and Fday should just be a token gift or homemade card and cake. Pandora trinkets and more for his ex is odd.
The weirdest thing is buying him 11 gifts.
The whole thing is just odd.

If I was him I’d get her sweet FA and she should do the same - but weird how they buy for the other anyway hmmmm

I think, peeking is neither here nor there. We've all peeked at a gift at some point in our lives.
I'm a SM and my DPs ex is both batshit crazy and hasn't gotten him anything (not even let the children make him a card) ... the only thing that strikes me in your OP is that the gifts you've bought him are only from your son.
I've bought my DP two small personalised gifts from all the children, because regardless of where they came from they are all part of the family and he is a dad to both his two and my LG.
I understand why you're upset about her gift as it's not as thoughtful as what he got her. I wouldn't say you are being unreasonable though. You certainly don't deserve the stick you've received on here.

@FudgeBrownie2019
What a lovely thing to do! You have got it right!!!

If my other half bought his ex a gift like a pandora bracelet from ‘their child’ I’d be so mad!!! I mean - wtf!

Given the phone problems I'd say that A he needs and alarm clock and B she's probaby just poking fun at him. Give your head a wobble OP. You sound a bit OTT.

This is genuinely one of the most depressing threads. Some of the responses are downright awful! What happened to just being kind and civil?? You can express your opinion without insulting someone or making assumptions. A lot of the respondents are just concerned with putting the OP or other posters down in a 'superior tit for tat' way; ceasing upon any minutiae gaps, twisting words and jumping to their own conclusions. It's not edifying and it's certainly not kind! I am truly sorry OP that you have been on the receiving end of this and grateful to all those others who have spoken up for kindness, or demonstrated that you can disagree with someone else's opinion, in a civilized and considerate way.

The alarm clock gift is a standard fathers day gift and practical. They probably have a laugh about it. "Silly daddy slept in" sort of thing.
If you are correct and shes "not over him" Just imagine you weren't together and you had to watch him with a new partner/baby when you still loved and wanted to be with him. How would you feel? Lets hope you dont find out.
With every comment, you sound more and more naive and materialistic. You came on here to be validated. You are basically annoyed that your partner will not feel special about a gift bought by his ex.

Your feelings are real to you and i get that. Nobody should make you feel bad about that but look at the bigger picture and get smart. I would suggest also that you make 1 gift from your son and the other 10 from both his children that he obviously works hard for. THAT will ensure he is not disheartened at all.

Also she gets maintenance and over and above the usual as you say so get him told!! Flowers and a card is plenty !!

The OP has gone, she appears to have been scared away by some of the unkind posts on here. They accuse the OP on here but really pot and kettle spring to mind. I mean, one of the posters speaking about 'trembling with dislike'! I don't understand how it can become as personal as that.

Lizzie48

Thank you! If only more people would highlight such unkindness and stick up for people being picked on.

I meant to say, 'they accuse the OP of being OTT', I hadn't noticed the autocorrect!

I agree with others that the pandora gifts are ott. My ex and I do get each other gifts from our children for mother’s day, Father’s Day, birthday and Christmas. He’s not single and has a gf and child with her so he’s always get something anyway but I’m on my own and my children are too young to go shopping and would be mortified if they didn’t have a gift for me. One year I got my gift late (after my birthday) due to being on holiday for my birthday and the kids were concerned they didn’t have a gift for me so my mum took them to buy something. Think she has extra gifts for me now as a standby option from the kids just in case. I digress though. The gifts we exchange via our kids aren’t massively expensive but keep things amicable between us. I don’t buy gifts for his gf from my kids. He chooses to get her ‘step mother’ gifts from my kids even though they aren’t married but I’ve got used to this now. When we go on holiday they like to buy them both and their sibling a small gift with their pocket money.

As for the alarm clock. Kudos to the ex. It’s a sarcastic present to say the least but nothing to be devestated over.

I think the alarm clock is funny.

If I were you I’d be more concerned that your partner is buying flowers and jewellery for his ex.

I think it’s a fab idea. His phone obviously isn’t working properly so problem solved ☺️

I think it's a good present.

Plus, she shouldn't really be buying gifts at all. You should be taking DSD to pick it out. Never heard of the exes buying each other's unless there's no partner

Ex's buying each other gift is stupid unless less by the dc.
You Op sound like an over excited first time mum and need to chill out. I think it's quite funny, not everything has to turned in to drama.

But if you want to be technically, you both have an 11 week old baby so one of you would of woken up near to the time he had to get up plus if his phone is playing up why didn't you set yours. Every early my dp is on I set my alarm it my be inconvenient for me at times but being late it worse.

Lead not less

I'm sorry but all of you seem like you have some boundary issues, infact his ex sounds the most sane. 11 presents?