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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help with smacking?

270 replies

BeeLoverBe · 13/06/2019 12:38

I've name changed for this as I'm clearly going to get flamed but need advice as I cant discuss this with anyone in RL.

Background is, I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm. Not abusively but when I did something really naughty I would get a smack on the bum or across the back of the legs.

I smacked my two children when they were toddlers, again not excessively but I did do it. My youngest is now 6 and she is extremely trying with her poor attitude in particular answering me back, acting up and saying horrible things to me.

Yesterday she screamed in my face and for the first time in ages I smacked her. It clearly took her by surprise as she looked shocked and then cried. I felt guilty afterwards and have mixed emotions about it. I have been at the end of my tether with her recently and her behaviour. I have tried the usual naughty step, confiscating things, reward charts etc and nothing works as she doesnt care. I've spoken to her teachers and they say shes not like it at school. So the smacking was me losing my temper out of exhausting all other avenues, which I know I shouldn't have done.

Yesterday she said something really horrible to me and I very nearly smacked her again but didnt. Hence why I'm here to ask for advice and help. It's a taboo subject that no one discusses is RL so in the event that I will get blamed for being an awful mother, I've come here to ask for help

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 14/06/2019 09:04

Hitting your kids is fucked up.

There are lots of things we did in the past that decent people now recognise are completely wrong. Hitting children is one of them.

thedancingbear · 14/06/2019 09:07

And for what it's worth Pinkyyy I don't automatically think you're one of the bad guys. But I do disagree strongly that it's okay to whack your kids.

Roussette · 14/06/2019 09:12

I understand what you're saying. However in my way of life, if you don't prepare yourself for bare Knuckle fights etc, you're setting yourself up to fail. It's a very different way of life and we value different things

Thanks Pinkyy. I read your AMA and I couldn't believe it was the same person when you first posted on here! I suppose that's because hitting children was not covered on your AMA unless I missed something. Smile

I totally get that it's part of your culture etc but thinking of the Muslim faith again... so much has changed, inter faith marriages are more common, alcohol is not such a sin etc.

Change comes from within and I just wonder why the travelling community has to be so rigid. I just wonder what the fail is...

But like you, I don't want to derail this thread so I'll shut up now!

ppeatfruit · 14/06/2019 09:37

It is important to remember that children esp. 6s and under are NOT adults, punishing\hitting etc. them for being children is not the answer. It's like telling off a 1 and half year old for using a nappy.

Their brains are not developed enough to understand consequences. So just saying "don't run into the road" won't work unless you make sure you are there, holding their hand or whatever. Obviously there are some children who are more self controlled than others. BUT you still need to be aware of what they're up to. Not just let them get on doing something on their own. It's not their fault if they don't get dressed quickly, they don't have much concept of time.

LolaSmiles · 14/06/2019 09:44

The way is see it is:
Is your child old enough to link physical pain to a behaviour they've done and rationalise the link?
If so, talk to them and explain, don't smack.
If they are not old enough to rationalise the link then what's the point in smacking as as far as they're concerned it's a trusted adult hurting them.

I agree with other posters that smacking is for the emotional benefit of the adult, not the child.

Obvious exceptions if it's grabbing a child back out of the road/getting fingers away from danger etc.

mussolini9 · 14/06/2019 10:30

Undecided if I will discipline my own children this way, hopefully won’t need to.

Jesus Christ.

You "hope" not to "need" to hit your children, @Mommmytobe19?
What are you basing this potential "need" on? Are you expecting your children to be perfectly behaved, so that you won't "need" to
get violent?
And when they are not perfect, hey ho, you "need" to hit them, so it's not your fault?
Brilliant piece of victim blaming. If ONLY children were perfect, they wouldn't "need" to be hit.

Does it not occur to you for one single second that you can CHOOSE to never hit a child?
You just "hope" not to hit one?
Is it OK if an adult simply "hopes" not to hit you?
Is it OK if an adult decides thay now "need" to hit you?

Shame on you.

thedancingbear · 14/06/2019 11:14

Mommmytobe19, you could just threaten to batter your kids. If they're constantly shitting themselves, maybe that would have the same effect, and you wouldn't actually need to belt them? Food for thought.

dinopops · 14/06/2019 11:22

What the fuck am I actually reading that people learn respect from being beaten. Confused

Respect is earned, not beaten into you.

It's worrying how this is still taking place or minimised in 2019.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 13:06

Respect is earned, not beaten into you

I’ve never really understood this. Does it mean it’s fine for your children to behave without respect until they decide you have “earned” it? Mine can’t.

14onwards · 14/06/2019 13:25

I don't think you should ever hit, no matter what. The child can turn around and use it against you in the future and if the child slips up at school and announces to teachers or classmates 'my mum hit me' it will not be pretty. Social services will be at your door regardless of your views.

Babdoc · 14/06/2019 13:41

When DD1 was 3 years old, she smacked the arm of DD2, who was 2 at the time.
I smacked (lightly) DD1’s left arm in return and said “You see - it hurts when you smack people. You mustn’t hit DD2, it hurts her too.”
DD1 rolled up her right sleeve and offered me that arm.
When I asked why, she replied, sanctimoniously: “Jesus says we should turn the other cheek!”
I couldn’t find any answer to that, but I’m pleased to say nobody smacked anybody in our house from that point on, and the DDs are now pushing 30!

ppeatfruit · 14/06/2019 13:56

There are some people who seem to view children as ciphers, who have no feelings. So they can be treated as less than human eg hit, shouted at , commanded to do such and such. There are sadly teachers who are the same IMO and E very few of those parents and teachers are 'respected'. By anyone, including their children.

A person who has empathy is respected, if you treat children as human beings you get their respect. Not if you 'lose it' with them , then you only get their fear and lack of trust.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 14:11

A person who has empathy is respected, if you treat children as human beings you get their respect. Not if you 'lose it' with them , then you only get their fear and lack of trust.

I don’t think this really pins down respect at all. Respect is not love and it is not fear. It is a form of admiration and awareness of the other person’s capabilities. I agree that being unable to control yourself doesn’t inspire respect, but I don’t think empathy does either, particularly.

LolaSmiles · 14/06/2019 14:14

There is a misunderstanding on respect here.

Nobody earns basic respect. We treat others with respect because it is the right thing to do. Nobody has to earn the right to be spoken to politely and behaved towards with manners.
I don't treat people I don't know badly because they haven't earned my respect. Basic respect applies to all as a starting point.
There's additional respect that comes later as relationships develop.

ppeatfruit · 14/06/2019 14:39

But we're not talking about being polite or respectful to strangers (which would generally be the way we should all be treated). It

The English dictionary has 2 basic meanings of the word, the first applies to strangers, as above, the next says attention ,care and consideration.
Which is of course how we should treat our children. Hitting does not inspire respect.

LolaSmiles · 14/06/2019 14:50

I've never claimed hitting does inspire respect. In fact, I've said multiple times that it's pointless violence.

It's the issue of earning respect I have an issue with. Everyone, children and adults, is entitled to basic respect. It isn't something that has to be earned.

ppeatfruit · 14/06/2019 15:14

Yes exactly Lola

dinopops · 14/06/2019 15:16

It's the issue of earning respect I have an issue with. Everyone, children and adults, is entitled to basic respect.*

Confused well yes, that's fairly obvious isn't.

Respect is not love and it is not fear. It is a form of admiration and awareness

And what person, no matter what their age, will admire someone who physically hurts them when they're angry.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 15:17

dinopops

I didn’t say violence inspires respect. I said I don’t think what inspires respect is empathy. Empathy helps, but a person who never shows that they can be firm and even harsh at times - where needed - will not inspire respect either.

SushiTime · 14/06/2019 15:32

@Pinkyyy I haven't RTFT because I lost the will to live about half way through.

You would be ok with your child bare knuckle fighting? Genuine question.

ppeatfruit · 14/06/2019 15:38

Of course being firm is necessary sometimes, we all need boundaries, esp little ones. But they need to be sensible ones that can be understood when the child is old enough. I never smacked. I didn't need to be harsh either.

And before someone says my kids have probably grown up to be ill disciplined lazy yobs, they are 3 of the hardest working lovely people you could meet.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 15:42

ppeatfruit

I’d never hit either, but my model of parenting isn’t just “empathise” and I think it is misleading to suggest otherwise.

SunniDay · 14/06/2019 15:45

I initially had the same thoughts about smacking as you as I had been smacked now and then as a child. But having thought it through I decided it is not ok because we teach our young children that it is not ok to hit others (or bitethem, kick, scratch, whatever). We teach them (when little anyway) to never do this in any circumstance so the message becomes confused and hypocritical if it is then ok for us to smack them. We tell them they need to find other ways to deal with problems and we need to lead by example. Times have moved on.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/06/2019 16:03

Wouldn't hit a stranger. I wouldn't hit my husband. I wouldn't hit my parents. Why on earth would I then hit a child? Using the word smack is just semantics. Its hitting. It's wrong.

lyd4165 · 14/06/2019 16:16

I was smacked as a child. Rarely and only when I was incredibly naughty but when it happened I never repeated the behaviour. So I do believe it went some way to teaching me respectful nice behaviour. I love my mum and dad a great deal and don’t feel like they did me any harm. They are two of the nicest people I know and amazing with my children and I don’t resent them at all for giving the occasional smack on the bum. My younger sister feels exactly the same way. I think as long as it’s in a caring family and not all the time then it’s ok. I also think children have appalling attitudes these days and treat people and their parents far worse than 20 years ago when I was a young child and I wonder if this is the link. I don’t hit my children as I know how badly I will be criticised and I can honestly say they’re pretty unpleasant and disrespectful at times in a way I feel like they wouldn’t be if they were shown consequences that aren’t “sit on a step” “think about what you did” etc.