To ask for help with smacking?

[BeeLoverBe]

I've name changed for this as I'm clearly going to get flamed but need advice as I cant discuss this with anyone in RL.

Background is, I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm. Not abusively but when I did something really naughty I would get a smack on the bum or across the back of the legs.

I smacked my two children when they were toddlers, again not excessively but I did do it. My youngest is now 6 and she is extremely trying with her poor attitude in particular answering me back, acting up and saying horrible things to me.

Yesterday she screamed in my face and for the first time in ages I smacked her. It clearly took her by surprise as she looked shocked and then cried. I felt guilty afterwards and have mixed emotions about it. I have been at the end of my tether with her recently and her behaviour. I have tried the usual naughty step, confiscating things, reward charts etc and nothing works as she doesnt care. I've spoken to her teachers and they say shes not like it at school. So the smacking was me losing my temper out of exhausting all other avenues, which I know I shouldn't have done.

Yesterday she said something really horrible to me and I very nearly smacked her again but didnt. Hence why I'm here to ask for advice and help. It's a taboo subject that no one discusses is RL so in the event that I will get blamed for being an awful mother, I've come here to ask for help

I was smacked as a kid, only when I was being a bad, and I am duties deserved it.

I don’t blame my parents, I don’t have any hang ups over it. It hasn’t effected my relationship with them in the slightest.

I really want to know how @Pinkyyy would deal with the situation if her child had been bare knuckle fighting and come out of it worse off?

What if your child was really badly injured and you had allowed that to happen?

I also think children have appalling attitudes these days and treat people and their parents far worse than 20 years ago

Children 20 years ago were sent out to play all day, and behaved through fear of being beat.

Children 20 years ago were sent out to play all day, and behaved through fear of being beat.

I behaved because of a combination of things: I didn’t want to be told off, I didn’t want to lose pocket money, I wasn’t naturally disruptive, etc. Although I was occasionally smacked, that was so rare that it didn’t enter my head when deciding whether to be naughty.

I behaved because of a combination of things: I didn’t want to be told off, I didn’t want to lose pocket money, I wasn’t naturally disruptive, etc. Although I was occasionally smacked, that was so rare that it didn’t enter my head when deciding whether to be naughty

I was never smacked. I behaved because my parents showed me the right way to behave with love not violence.

I think that’s so important.

JacquesHammer

We’re all different, though. I loved my parents and they showed me how to behave, but I would have been naughty if not for tellings off/punishments. That’s my character!

I am a child from 20 years ago and I certainly was not afraid of my parents in the slightest! I love them to bits. I also played outside all day by choice! Live in the countryside and spent most of the the summer outdoors. I had the best childhood and it’s the stating That smacking your kids occasionally is going to do serious damage that bothers me. I have not been affected in the slightest by the few smacks I received for doing horrible or dangerous things. Neither have I ever been violent towards anyone so it certainly didn’t teach me that violence is ok at all!

Children do not learn good behavior under the threat of violence, regardless of how hard you smack and where. All it teaches a child is fear.

Deal with your anger first, then deal with the difficulties you face and work to find out where they come from and why.

I've been smacked the once and only the once and I sure as hell deserved it, I was kicking the back of my dads seat going 70 on the motorway, I never did it again, never been scared of being smacked again and do believe that is the kind of situation that does warrant a smack

I have not been affected in the slightest by the few smacks I received for doing horrible or dangerous things

You have because you see it as a reasonable way to parent.

but I would have been naughty if not for tellings off/punishments

That’s my point. Telling off/punishments shouldn’t include physical discipline.

That’s my point. Telling off/punishments shouldn’t include physical discipline.

I don’t use that method myself but I honestly can’t say it scared me when I was smacked as a punishment.

1. It could result in a shit storm of trouble as if she reports this to school it will result in a referral to social services.
2. It will lead to resentment.
3. It shows you have lost control.
4. It won't change her behaviour but she may grow up thinking it is ok to lose your temper and hit people.

I understand kids are irritating and many people have lost their temper and regretted it later but it should not be acceptable to you.

*3. It shows you have lost control.

1. It won't change her behaviour but she may grow up thinking it is ok to lose your temper and hit people. *

It taught me the opposite. My parents never lost there temper, and were always in control of the situation.

I learned not to let my emotions rule me and it’s not worth loosing your temper.

I was smacked a couple of times as a young child - I don't remember it so it really didn't do me any harm but nor did it do me any good either.

The thing with smacking is that it's not a proper thought-out punishment for a child - it's a parent that loses control and therefore I don't think it can be justified. Parenting is hard and I don't think a parent should be vilified for struggling and losing their temper. However, you need to address it immediately and look at ways to correctly discipline your child that doesn't include physical violence. We supposedly live in a civilised society - no one should be using physical violence as a way of interacting with other people and no one should be allowed to teach any child that it is acceptable to be violent, no matter the circumstances.

Nearly every woman I know who's been/is in an abusive relationship was smacked or exposed to siblings being smacked as children. It normalises abuse in later life in my opinion.

I don't smack because I experienced it as a child and it made me resentful and fearful. I do think it's lazy parenting also.

I always try and think how the way I am reacting would be perceived by others. If you would be embarrassed or defensive about how you have dealt with your daughter you know that you haven't handled it well. I have two dc with asd and have dealt with lots of awful behaviour. Knowing that shouting and anger escalates the situation has helped me to react in a more measured way.

Knowing that shouting and anger escalates the situation has helped me to react in a more measured way.

This is what I've found with my DD1 (10), who I've spoken about on other threads. She has violent meltdowns, which sometimes involve lashing out at me, but mainly throwing whatever is to hand.

The best way to calm the situation is definitely not for me to get angry, though I admit I've shouted at her before.

It's illegal in Scotland
Sigh. No it isn’t. Why do people post such bullshit when they really don’t know what they are talking about.

@codemonkey I’m certain I’ve pulled you up on that one before.

@mussolini9

Yep I still stand by my original post and say in response to your reply - each to their own :)

smacking is now illegal and I'm not surprised she is shouting back. Would you sit there and live in fear of being hit or lash out. This is why violence breeds violence. It gives the impression hitting gets you what you want at the expense of others.

My uncles used to get a wooden spoon across the bum. Most loyal and loving sons, certaintly no resentment. They would do anything to protect their mum in particular.

I was smacked as a child and all it did was to breed resentment.

Cousin once squared up to his dad and shouted in his face
“What you going to do. Hit me? Go on then”

You wouldn’t hit someone of your own size so why would you hit a child?

You get what you sow.

I cannot understand how you could smack a toddler.
When mine misbehaved I would explain why they shouldn’t do something then give them a hug.

Actually am shocked in this day and age that parents still smack their children

Smacking is NOT illegal, as long as it doesn't leave a bruise. That's the reason for differentiating it from hitting. Because hitting includes punching with a fist, which is illegal and always has been.

I did think it was illegal in Scotland, bus one poster said it wasn't? Is it the case that the SNP are working towards making it illegal?

That obviously doesn't mean it's right. But it would be really hard to prove, if parents denied it, as it happens behind closed doors, precisely because it doesn't leave a bruise.