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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help with smacking?

270 replies

BeeLoverBe · 13/06/2019 12:38

I've name changed for this as I'm clearly going to get flamed but need advice as I cant discuss this with anyone in RL.

Background is, I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm. Not abusively but when I did something really naughty I would get a smack on the bum or across the back of the legs.

I smacked my two children when they were toddlers, again not excessively but I did do it. My youngest is now 6 and she is extremely trying with her poor attitude in particular answering me back, acting up and saying horrible things to me.

Yesterday she screamed in my face and for the first time in ages I smacked her. It clearly took her by surprise as she looked shocked and then cried. I felt guilty afterwards and have mixed emotions about it. I have been at the end of my tether with her recently and her behaviour. I have tried the usual naughty step, confiscating things, reward charts etc and nothing works as she doesnt care. I've spoken to her teachers and they say shes not like it at school. So the smacking was me losing my temper out of exhausting all other avenues, which I know I shouldn't have done.

Yesterday she said something really horrible to me and I very nearly smacked her again but didnt. Hence why I'm here to ask for advice and help. It's a taboo subject that no one discusses is RL so in the event that I will get blamed for being an awful mother, I've come here to ask for help

OP posts:
Benes · 13/06/2019 15:12

Yes I'm teaching them that violence is okay, because in my culture it is

So pinkyyy if violence is okay in your culture would you say it's okay for a man to hit his partner?

It's never okay to hit to hit a child and they shouldn't taught that violence is a solution to someone not behaving in a way they don't find acceptable. If a child is misbehaving there are dozens of ways of correcting that behaviour without resorting to violence.

PositiveVibez · 13/06/2019 15:12

I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm

I beg to differ. It taught you that you think violence towards someone smaller and weaker than you is a perfectly acceptable way to display your disapproval.

NKFell · 13/06/2019 15:13

I don't have a problem with a little smack, not hard enough to actually hurt and not used frequently.

maimainomai · 13/06/2019 15:13

I saw that you are not even a traveller as you have a house and don't travel...

Isn’t that about ethnicity (and cultural practices)?

Having a house doesn’t mean that pinkyy isn’t a traveller anymore (afaik). Unless you’re suggesting that sinti, roma, yenish etc aren’t cultural and ethnic groups but simply refer to a lifestyle (choice).

I do however agree, teaching yournchildren to fight is not the same as hitting them. It seems needlessly abusive. And i believe that they may not learn what’s needed for peaceful conflict resolution. (Which they will need if they ever want to venture outside of traveller society.)

MummyParanoia101 · 13/06/2019 15:14

@Pinkyyy So you're ok to generalise your Race but others aren't? You can use your 'race' to defend but nobody else can? Shame on you

BenjiB · 13/06/2019 15:15

I was smacked as a child with a wooden spoon usually. Whilst I don’t thunk it’s affected me too much I do remember it hurting and being afraid of my mum. I’ve never smacked my children. It’s jusr nit something I’ve ever felt I wanted to do. I do shout at them though which always makes me feel bad. I think there are better ways to discipline children.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/06/2019 15:16

In Pinkyy defence, if her DC didn't know how to fight, they'd be beaten regularly by their peers.
I agree it is not right, especially among the settled community, but it is very normal in the travelling community to fight and bite.

Treesthemovie · 13/06/2019 15:16

Agreed @TrixieFranklin she doesn't actually want to discuss, just wants a chance to tell everyone they are ignorant of her violent culture. Sorry for contributing to the derailing, OP

Treesthemovie · 13/06/2019 15:17

@EmeraldShamrock she is actually settled and doesn't travel.

pluckyfeathers · 13/06/2019 15:17

@BeeLoverBe when my parents used to slap me I used to go back and do the same stuff the next day. I think dc are hard wired to test the boundaries unfortunately.

worriedandannoyed · 13/06/2019 15:20

I was smacked as a child as were most of my peers. I didn't turn into a violent person, I never hurt my parents back so I don't understand the mentality that it teaches violence to children.

maimainomai · 13/06/2019 15:22

I also teach that hitting is okay for them too. If another child hits them, they can and do hit back. - Absolutely disgraceful parenting. All you're teaching them there is that violence is ok and that two wrongs make a right. They'll end up in prison if you carry on much longer with your lazy attitude to parenting*

I was taught the same. That I should defend from violence, >>Bad touches

mussolini9 · 13/06/2019 15:27

I was smacked as a child as were most of my peers. I didn't turn into a violent person, I never hurt my parents back so I don't understand the mentality that it teaches violence to children.

@worriedandannoyed it's not a mentality - it's fact.
It's great that it didn't happen to you, but that doesn't negate the outcome - children who are hit grow up to perpetuate aggression.

theconversation.com/research-shows-smacking-makes-children-more-aggressive-and-at-risk-of-mental-health-problems-83394

EmeraldShamrock · 13/06/2019 15:28

EmeraldShamrock she is actually settled and doesn't travel
Not travelling doesn't change the culture, most travellers live in house these days, they still have all the markers of a traveller.
The travellers near us live in houses, they still bare knuckle fight in the street, use weapons, normal rules do not apply in the culture.
They're not really allowed to travel anymore, always moved on within days.

MadamMMA · 13/06/2019 15:31

I was smacked as a child sporadically and whilst I’m definitely not traumatised by it at all I struggle to hold my own temper and it scares me that I’ve wanted to slap my children. I could be because I was smacked or I might just be this way but if mine are acting up I run away and scream in to a pillow so I won’t hurt them as it would ruin me to think I’d hurt them. Don’t beat yourself up OP, if you were a bad mum you wouldn’t even be asking the question Flowers I agree with PP that suggested trying to ignore the bad behaviour or give a different consequence and really praise the good. We’re all trying our best

Pinkyyy · 13/06/2019 15:41

@Treesthemovie you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. @EmeraldShamrock is absolutely right.

KnittingForMittens · 13/06/2019 15:51

I personally don't see the problem. It's no wonder children do not understand discipline! They are getting away with murder because their parents are either too busy on their phones or they can't be bothered to teach them right from wrong. My siblings and I were all smacked when we was children and it never did us any harm. It taught us a lesson to behave and not act like spoilt little shits. But that's just what our attitude towards it was like. Everybody else might have a different experience.

JacquesHammer · 13/06/2019 15:52

They are getting away with murder because their parents are either too busy on their phones or they can't be bothered to teach them right from wrong

If you think the only way to teach a child right from wrong is smacking, it’s a poor show for you.

Benes · 13/06/2019 15:53

knitting my child understands discipline. I don't need to hit him to get that message across.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 13/06/2019 15:59

My oldest has been smacked once, when I lost my temper (which is poor parenting really). She's pretty compliant. DS on the other hand has probably been smacked about 5 times and each time I hated myself for it. He's in nursery now and he started hitting me and I couldn't say 'don't hit' as I'd smacked him before.

Seeking better ways of dealing with his behaviour, we now do 1-2-3 Magic to give clear instructions on what isn't acceptable and what will happen as a consequence. It makes me stop and think of what's the most helpful consequence and gives DS three chances to change his behaviour. He then has a time out. I then do rapid return back to the step for as long as it takes. I have also done it on my 9yo DD, she was not impressed to sit on the step for 9 minutes but she hasn't done it since.

I also try to reward good behaviour. DD is older and has a marble jar, she earns marbles and then 'spends' them on TV or device time. They don't get taken away but obviously take longer to earn. It's all up to her, so despite getting cross, it's within her power. We use the Amazon Parent Dashboard to restrict the time on her Kindle so it's not actually me turning it off. I don't need the device, it is done remotely. I find earning positive things is less fraught than taking away for bad behaviour, especially if you run out of stuff to take away. Our TV is fully password protected so they can't watch stuff without us putting the code in (it's a pain for DH and I, but it works), same for my iPad. There's no getting around earning TV time Grin.

DizzySue · 13/06/2019 16:01

If you take your anger out on your children with violence then they will take their anger out on you, no wonder she screamed in your face. This is such poor parenting.

RickJames · 13/06/2019 16:03

I smacked my son once. He was 3 and had run up behind me and sunk his teeth into my lower back when I was sitting down talking to my mum. I turned round and without thinking slapped his face. I don't know who was more shocked, my son, my mum or me.
I immediately picked him up and cuddled him and said sorry. He didnt actually cry, he was really shocked Sad. Then we showed him my bleeding (only a little) back and we talked about biting. He had been biting me hard for about 6 months when this happened.
He never bit again. I tell this story just to illustrate that hitting a child is a loss of control on the part of a parent, not a method of discipline. I'll never forget it. I just reacted - completely out of character. Awful.

maimainomai · 13/06/2019 16:19

RickJames

Not sure you’re achieving what you’re trying to achieve. Because you seem to be claiming that the smacking worked...?

Seems like it was instinctual in your case (a reaction to pain tbh). Really not the same as hitting a child in anger (=loss of control).

WhiteRedRose · 13/06/2019 16:23

If you want her to stop acting up OP, ignore or deflect her behaviour when she does.

It's really not much more difficult than that unless sen is involved.

Lizzie48 · 13/06/2019 16:44

We were all smacked A LOT when we were growing up. It's important to say how much it damaged us as there was far worse abuse going on as well. My DM admits that my F in particular smacked us too hard (so did she in all honesty), and that she didn't approve, but she didn't stop him.

The result was that we weren't able to approach her to tell us the other things that our F was doing to us. She didn't stop him from smacking us too hard, so why would we believe that she would protect us from the other stuff?

Your DC might be obedient as a result of being smacked, but they won't trust you to protect them from harm.