To ask for help with smacking?

[BeeLoverBe]

I've name changed for this as I'm clearly going to get flamed but need advice as I cant discuss this with anyone in RL.

Background is, I was smacked as a child and to be honest I dont think it did me any harm. Not abusively but when I did something really naughty I would get a smack on the bum or across the back of the legs.

I smacked my two children when they were toddlers, again not excessively but I did do it. My youngest is now 6 and she is extremely trying with her poor attitude in particular answering me back, acting up and saying horrible things to me.

Yesterday she screamed in my face and for the first time in ages I smacked her. It clearly took her by surprise as she looked shocked and then cried. I felt guilty afterwards and have mixed emotions about it. I have been at the end of my tether with her recently and her behaviour. I have tried the usual naughty step, confiscating things, reward charts etc and nothing works as she doesnt care. I've spoken to her teachers and they say shes not like it at school. So the smacking was me losing my temper out of exhausting all other avenues, which I know I shouldn't have done.

Yesterday she said something really horrible to me and I very nearly smacked her again but didnt. Hence why I'm here to ask for advice and help. It's a taboo subject that no one discusses is RL so in the event that I will get blamed for being an awful mother, I've come here to ask for help

Oh do shut up @MummyParanoia101 you clearly know nothing about my way of life so stop making silly remarks about it. No, social services do not need to get involved.

"I don't agree with stealing, all it proves is that you can't afford things."

Ha! Try telling that to kids at my cousin's workpiece. They're at a school that costs £35000 a year, every one has iPhoneX, MacBook air, designer clothes, holiday homes all over the world, own yachts etc.

They steal.

They can pretty much afford anything they like, bit still steal

@banivani has put it well

children who behave badly are reacting to something and attempting to communicate something. It's worth making the effort to not take the behaviour personally but instead help them learn to communicate what they're feeling in a reasonable manner, while teaching them it's ok to feel things (but that all behaviours are not ok).

You've described the problem with smacking. You haven't in years but then after you did, you immediately wanted to do it again the next time dc was difficult. It very quickly becomes the default way of getting a child to comply

I also think @CheerfulMuddler has a good point about cultural norms, and puts it a lot better than I could.

Authoritative parenting works on many levels.
Not authoritarian
Smacking when/because you out of control is wrong.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.daynurseries.co.uk/news/amp/article/id/1609354/leeds-leading-the-way-to-tackle-obesity-in-under-fives-with-henry

Grabbing a chikd about to run into a toad or smacking a hand away from a hot stove...fine

Smacking because you as parent haven't learned to control or change your behaviour is wrong.
Go on some courses get some help.

My mum used to smack us as kids.
Although it didn't do me any lasting harm, it didn't do me any good either and I've never smacked my own children.

I always remember one occasion when I was about nine, my mum had smacked me across the shoulderblade (can't remember why) but it was just before my swimming lesson.
My shoulderblade was still smarting while I was sitting on the edge of the pool in my strappy swimming costume.
My mum was watching in the spectator balcony (and later told me she was mortified) when the instructor came up behind me and said "Gosh! You've got the perfect outline of a hand on your back!"
This was in the 1980's when no-one batted an eyelid but it must have been quite a slap!
I remember feeling secretly smug that my mother must have been embarrassed and still feel that way now to be honest!

www.verywellfamily.com/ways-to-become-a-more-authoritative-parent-4136329

No op you shouldn't be hitting you children.

@Pinkyyy - you keep banging on about people not understanding your culture...People are going to disagree with you hitting your kids and the laughable "fighting to keep your home" stuff. Maybe you love your violent culture but not everyone will. No one should be forced to agree with hitting kids because "culture".

My daughter went through a stage like this - I felt utterly powerless, as no consequences seemed to bother her. She was really volatile, screaming tantrums almost daily, violent - it was hard work! What helped me was looking at different parenting strategies - "The Explosive Child" is a good place to start. The more boundaries I place on my daughter, the worse her behaviour becomes. If I work on trying to reduce the things that can trigger her, her behaviour is infinitely better. The things that help her are: being given time to process transitions (even small ones like the TV being turned off or the iPad being out away are given a count down), clear plans and following through on events that she is expecting to happen, plus no sudden changes to routine.

The automatic reaction from some people when they hear about bad behaviour is that you should clamp down on it, and be consistent. However, that doesn't work for everyone. I choose my battles, and when my daughter is worked up, my first priority is to help her calm down. Then we can talk about finding another way to handle the same situation in the future. I understand the frustration though - I remember days when I would tell my daughter that we both needed to take time out, and we would both sit on the stairs, doing deep breathing together.

Im against smacking and I was smacked as a child. When my dc's wind me up to the point of anger my instinct is to smack them and I have to really think and stop myself. This makes me even more against smacking as being smacked has obviously ingrained in me that a natural reaction to anger is to inflict pain on a defenseless child. So far I have always stopped myself from smacking but if I ever did lose control and do it I know I would be so ashamed of myself and upset and I would arrange parenting classes.

OP sending her to her room isn't going to work overnight. Consistency is key. Make a set of rules, a set of consequences for breaking those rules and stick to them, every time. Its simple cause and effect and she will eventually see that there is no getting around the consequences for breaking the rules. When my dd started the toddler tantrums I never gave in, if I said no then I stuck to it. Even if I changed my mind, even if I thought it wouldn't actually be that bad to change to yes, even if I was tired and fed up and didn't want to deal with the tantrum I still stuck with no. I would just let the tantrum run its course. After a couple of weeks of trying she learned that when I said no it meant no and that was that.

We were in a similar 'we've tried everything' place as you. No magic bullet, but the thing that had most effect for us was quiet conversation at bedtime EVERY night about the good things DD had done that day. Trying not to mention all the other sh*t, which we'd dealt with as it happened. Some nights there wasn't a lot to say other than 'And tomorrow's another day and I bet there'll be lots of things to talk about tomorrow night.' But she started to feel more positive about her role in the family and things slowly got a bit better.

The thing I don’t understand about this is the claim that people smack their children and as a result the children are well behaved. So where does the smacking come from then? Surely you’re admitting the opposite, that your children are badly behaved and smacked as punishment. Which means aside from everything else, smacking doesn’t even work

@Treesthemovie I'm not expecting people to agree with me, but there's no need for them to be so insulting. I'm not sure what's laughable about someone losing their home but it happens.

OP, also, your comment about your mother disapproving of you hitting your dc even though she hit you - I think this is part to do with the wisdom of hindsight, if that helps.

Children need to learn how to behave - so yes it’s frustrating that they don’t listen to you the first/second/third time. But that’s them being children.

Smacking doesn’t help.

To be honest, I’d look at all of your parenting in the round. Smacking is at the top end of a spectrum of trying to be a strong disciplinarian and forcing your will onto a child.

I find myself getting incredibly wound up by my children and end up shouting. Because I’ve lost control - and my children shout because they’ve seen me do that. I’m working very hard on controlling my reactions to their normal childlike behaviour.

@BeeLoverBe - could there be an issue that has yet to be identified eg ADHD etc?

@pinkyyy the only person who is being insulting is you, when you attack others for daring to suggest hitting kids is wrong.
I said that the idea of having to fight to keep your home is laughable (which it is) not that a person losing their home is laughable. What sort of culture teaches people to fight others for their home. Lol.

I have no advice but I just want to say children’s behaviour doesn’t always change as a result of the parents’ behaviour changing. It’s not always on the parents. OP, I’d come up with potentially more effective consequences of actions. For example if there is a party coming up, DD doesn’t go as a result of her behaviour, same goes for other fun days out. Make weekends boring etc until she realises her behaviour is not okay.

@Pinkyyy but then it's you that unquestioningly admires violence. I saw that you are not even a traveller as you have a house and don't travel...

@Treesthemovie I've been defending myself.

@Treesthemovie you clearly don't know what a traveller is.

@pinkyyy you clearly don't know what you're talking about.

I read a biography once of a gypsy, who as a child was forced by his father to fight his brother every day. He hated it, he wasn’t a violent person, he ended up leaving home.

I think we need to outlaw the use of the word 'smack' and use the word hit. Smacking sounds acceptable but hit sounds awful. And so it should- it is dreadful to hit kids.
I was hit regularly as a kid including when I was small -bare bum with a wooden spoon hours after the alleged offence. The hitting continued well into my teens. I was a quiet, conscientious, well behaved kid. It fucked me up for years.
My mother won't even have it mentioned- she says 'Oh you were only smacked once or twice'. I am still the dutiful daughter but I don't love my parents and don't remember ever doing so.

I can't even imagine doing that to my son.

I really wouldn't engage with @Pinkyyy, I've had the misfortune on here before and you'll get no where past being called ignorant. Back to the conversation at hand.. smacking is wrong.